The King in Black Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 A horse walks into a bar.The bartender says, "You come here a lot; are you an alcoholic?" The horse ponders this for a moment and says, "I don't think I am." POOF! The horse disappears. At this point, a psychology student would begin to snicker because he knows about the Descartes postulate, "I think therefore I am." I could have told you about that at the beginning of the joke, but that would have been putting Descartes before the horse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The King in Black Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 I crossed the road, walked into a bar and changed a light bulb. My life is a joke Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The King in Black Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 A woman was in court charged with beating her husband to death with his guitar. "First offender?", asked the judge. "Well, first a Gibson then a Fender", she replied This joke really struck a cord with me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eyron Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 Is this our punishment? Thanks Abama. I agree with Farscape being underrated. That ending was worth all the meandering weirdness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eyron Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 Also, this: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The BlackBear Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 Just started Arrested Development. If you don't see me for a few days, don't worry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Kingmaker Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 6 minutes ago, The BlackBear said: Just started Arrested Development. If you don't see me for a few days, don't worry. JUST GIVE US THE FIFTH SEASON ALREADY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocksniffer Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 4 hours ago, The King In Black said: As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace," the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years." ... ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buckwheat Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 Ahoy, punny humans! I like your new hat, BB. Although, is it not a bit too warm for it now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocksniffer Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 just for you my former queen... http://imgur.com/6JNNF8R Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocksniffer Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 oh well my pic won't show... but wild flower was just punny.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buckwheat Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 Oh, I can see her! She is indeed very punny, thank you, Stonesniffer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Kingmaker Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living. He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine. Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed. Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas. "You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless. The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
First of My Name Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 I am eternally grateful for this this new trend. If we manage to keep this up for 48 more pages this shall be a historical thread indeed. Does anyone have any animal puns? They quack me up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HexMachina Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 Go away, unnatural heat. You are not wanted here. Temperatures of 20+...cannot be dealing with this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Kingmaker Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 25 minutes ago, First of My Name said: I am eternally grateful for this this new trend. If we manage to keep this up for 48 more pages this shall be a historical thread indeed. Does anyone have any animal puns? They quack me up. I've got a few, but you'll have to bear with me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The BlackBear Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 37 minutes ago, First of My Name said: Does anyone have any animal puns? They quack me up. Well you're out of duck then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eyron Posted May 8, 2016 Share Posted May 8, 2016 You just have to duck it up, FoMN. WHY am I awake at this hour, bleh? I'm going to try to get some more sleep, but it's incredibly annoying so not sure how I can mentally gloss over the fact and actually fall asleep again. I've also been thinking about how we should deal with the meanies that hang out at the playground near my house, but it turns out they were birds. What a racket. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buckwheat Posted May 8, 2016 Share Posted May 8, 2016 12 hours ago, First of My Name said: Does anyone have any animal puns? They quack me up. I lark the way you think. 12 hours ago, HelenaExMachina said: Go away, unnatural heat. You are not wanted here. Temperatures of 20+...cannot be dealing with this. But but but ... summer! I like that it is warm now. So today I saw a most curious person on the road. He was driving a big fancy red motorbike with a big built-in loudspeaker. He was playing Abba really loud from his ipod and "dancing" around with his hands while standing at the red light. He was wearing a jacket that had a sign GRANDPA and plenty of signs of various police departments. He was also wearing red and white striped socks (his trousers were a bit short, so you could see the socks) and crocs. Quite a sight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ab aeterno Posted May 8, 2016 Author Share Posted May 8, 2016 12 hours ago, HelenaExMachina said: Go away, unnatural heat. You are not wanted here. Temperatures of 20+...cannot be dealing with this. 8 minutes ago, Buckwheat said: But but but ... summer! I like that it is warm now. So today I saw a most curious person on the road. He was driving a big fancy red motorbike with a big built-in loudspeaker. He was playing Abba really loud from his ipod and "dancing" around with his hands while standing at the red light. He was wearing a jacket that had a sign GRANDPA and plenty of signs of various police departments. He was also wearing red and white striped socks (his trousers were a bit short, so you could see the socks) and crocs. Quite a sight. Sorry to rain on your parade, Helena, but I'm with Buck. 20C is lukewarm at best, bring on 26-28! I'd go hotter, but we neglect A/C in this country. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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