Newcomb: Episode Two

[Atreides]

Hmm I agree-now why didn't I see that before? Maybe cause the rest was so ridiculous to begin with..

[Nerdanel]

Dried fluid? Wouldn't that be like powdered milk except evil?

I've never read Newcomb, but lurking on these threads has been a great source of amusement.

[Daedalus V2.0]

Well then, I would give another chapter, but I haven't read one yet, so it's time for something a little bit different. Yes, it's time to explain the magic system.

As you no doubt feel bludgeoned with, a character's maximum magical potential is determined by the quality of their blood, which is presumably determined by how pure the bloodline to the first few mages is. This, of course, has no meaning with Tristan and Shailiha's blood, since their parents were both mediocre at best in terms of quality. Anyways, through training and other important, unmentioned methods, it is possible for someone of slightly lesser blood quality to surpass somebody with slightly purer blood, but only to a minor degree.

When a person learns to use magic, their blood becomes "active". What this means is that it gains a life of it's own, in addition to locomotion and presumably some other things. While this may seem stup and pointless and just a wee bit unpleasant, it surely has some significance. In addition, people with activated blood or extremely potent dormant blood can be detected easily by other mages unless "masked". This seems to be a universal ability, and will no doubt cause Wigg to continuously be of little to no use to Tristan in his quests.

Now then, on to the actual magic. This has been explained very poorly, likely due to Newcomb's idea that magic should act purely as a combination of Deus Ex Machina and plot device, and limitations would cause severe problems with this use. Magic is used without saying any words or making significant gestures and does not seem to tire or otherwise effect the user beyond the tiny strain caused by concentration. It apparently requires months or years of study to learn a new "spell", but as far as I can tell magic is simply willed into being, which makes that idea rather strange. Magic can be used for a great number of things, and indeed no difference has been desplayed between the Vigours and the Vagaries. Both are seemingly capable of anything that the author wants or needs them to do for the plot, which is sometimes a little bit hard to swallow. If it takes Wigg, using the good healy magic about a day to heal a cut on Tristan unaided, how is it that Failee, using evil destructo-magic managed to heal Shailiha in about 5 minutes of extensive wounds? Indeed, both good and evil magic is used to accomplish all of the same things, with the only distinction that the vigours are "good" and the vagaries "Evil!" given by the author near the beginning of the series.

So overall, the magic system is... interesting... to say the least. Compared to systems created by Hobb and Sanderson, it looks downright archaic, what one would expect from somebody who thinks Goodkind is the epitome of Fantasy writers and who has never read anything other than Goodkind. Indeed, when one looks at the books in the light that Newcomb is writing with no prior knowledge of the Genre, the copying of plot points (especially from movies) and the pathetic attempt of a magic system, as well as the terrible cliche underlaying the entire series, becomes quite understandable. Not, of course, that being understandable makes these failures into something else. Or the books readable.

[The Pita]

And to use the Vagaries they use dry fluid?

I need an explanation for Dry Fluid.

Is it WonderClean? Magic? Super-Candy-Man-Thing?

...

Duke is putting the "fun" in "illiterate"

[Daedalus V2.0]

This book is getting harder and harder to read. Why? I think I'll show you.

As was sometimes his habit, he pulled his knees up to his chin, holding them there.

When the spell in enacted, the Tome's pages shrink but the writing upon the pages does not. As the pages compress the words written upon them are therefore forced into and over the top of one another. So much that all of the white space is covered over, creating a completely black page.

And, worst of all,

As the book shrinks, the pages also become rearranged, or 'repaginated', if you will, in a completely random order. Pages from one Volume may even appear in another.

Repaginated. I state again, repaginated.

What the hell was he thinking? What was his editor thinking? Why has his butchering of the english language not earned him the death penalty? Why am I still reading this Drivel? All this and more, to be revealed never.

Seriously, this book is horrible. It keeps getting worse and worse, beyond the threshold of what my mind can take. I read through all of Terry Brooks' work up to the Voyage of the Jerle Shannara (which as a terrible, terrible trilogy), but this is just insane. I had no idea that anything outside of trashy Nora Roberts romance could be this bad. But this is worse. Nora "I can reuse a plot device 300 times and nobody will care!" Roberts is a better writer. My head feels like it wants to explode.

Is this important to anybody anymore? Do enough of you care for me to keep reading? If nobody cares how the rest goes, I'm going to stop reading this right now, because I can see no reason to keep going for myself. It's become too bad even to laugh at, and that was the entire point of me doing this...

[Lord O' Bones]

Step back from the ledge brother. See if someone else can pick up the burden for a while.* You're not Frodo Baggins and it's not the One Ring of Power after all.

*123 not it!!!

[Myshkin]

No quiting now. You must at least finish this book. Hopefully (for you) I will be able to find a replacement to finish book 3, but if I don't you will have to read that book as well.

[MinDonner]

Be strong, fellow lemming. The end must be in sight. Though we do seem to have lost Will on the way; obviously having to pay close attention to the actual words in order to quote them is more than he could take.

*casts Duke-repellent protection spell*

[The Real Will]

Though we do seem to have lost Will on the way; obviously having to pay close attention to the actual words in order to quote them is more than he could take.

Sorry. I guess I should have stepped in and explained myself earlier. I suppose that I am now officially out. I've got to admit that I was finding it harder and harder to write each post. Finding stuff to quote was difficult. Oh, there were some gems in there, but they were buried under mounds and mounds of just plain blah. And sometimes the things that I really wanted to share with everyone just wouldn't reduce to a decent, short quote. There is a general air of dreadfulness to these books that no number of isolated and specific examples can accurately capture. They are just bad. Bad, bad, bad.

I think the summaries of the chapters are great, and if it doesn't hurt Daedalus too much to continue then they are wonderful entertainment. The idiocy, however, is pervasive and refuses to be limited to user friendly sound bites like quotes.

My apologies, Daedalus, but I must humbly tender my resignation.

[The Pita]

Daedalus, noone can hold the amounts of insanity you have. Please stay with us! We love like don't hate you!

We need your rapist wisdom!

[Larry.]

*wonders if he needs to read/review the upcoming Rise of the Blood Royal as a "favor" for people here*

[Myshkin]

*wonders if he needs to read/review the upcoming Rise of the Blood Royal as a "favor" for people here*

Yes. In fact, I comand you to do just that.

[Max the Mostly Mediocre]

*wonders if he needs to read/review the upcoming Rise of the Blood Royal as a "favor" for people here*

Take one for the team, Larry! We believe in you!

[Larry.]

Not until the new year has begun. I have some last-minute 2007 reads to complete before then.

[The Pita]

Like "How to kill yourself in 10 new and original ways"? Just to make sure you don't read The Duke? (I'm considering buying my friend these books for his birthday. I'll borrow from him and report the third book, maybe.)

[Daedalus V2.0]

Like "How to kill yourself in 10 new and original ways"? Just to make sure you don't read The Duke? (I'm considering buying my friend these books for his birthday. I'll borrow from him and report the third book, maybe.)

Ouch.

So, I've renewed the book at the library. My slog through the realms of the Comb continue unabated.

I'm going to do 2 chapters here, so here we go.

The first chapter in this duology begins with Tristan and Wigg waking up on the side of a road in a pre-prepared campsite. Wigg affirms that he is, in fact, permanently blind for ever and ever. He declares that they must make all haste to the Redoubt, to ensure that action on Tristan's poisoning can begin post-haste. Before heading out, however, Tristan decides to take a peek at the Tome and make sure it's the real deal. Well, if you recall what I said before, that's pretty much wat happens. Anyways, the heroes decide to set off for the Redoubt. On the way, they run into the woman Tristan ran into in the cemetary and again in their chat with Ragnar. Her name is Celeste, her blood quality is second only to that of the Chosen Ones and she wants to go with them. She has been held captive by Ragnar since before the end of the Sorceress' War, hates him immensely, and just happens to be the daughter of Wigg and Failee. The two decide to take her with them, and set off for the Redoubt. Eventually, they run into the giant butterfies led by Shailiha's animal companion Caprice (which is, for those of you who do not know, the root of the word capriscious, or untrustworthy. No doubt the Duke looked in the dictionary, saw "flighty" as an alternate word for Capriscious and decided that Caprice meant flight), which lead them toward the Redoubt. End of chapter.

And the second chapter. This one takes place in a small castle known as Fedgeling House. There are a number of young girls here who happen to be the daughters of all of the Consuls, as well as a single consul and his wife, who seem to be the girls' caretaker. It is strongly hinted that the girls are either being taught or specifically prevented from learning magic. Anyways, a bunch of the sword-equipped flying lizards show up, kill the Consul and take everyone else prisoner. Scrounge shows up, gives the Consul's wife a message for Tristan and instructs a birdamalizard to carry her to the Redoubt. He then takes all of the girls away before making some vague threats. The chapter ends.

[The Pita]

Doesn't SEEM to be as bad as usual...

Although I AM annoyed at the lack of the evil dried fluid

[Daedalus V2.0]

Doesn't SEEM to be as bad as usual...

Although I AM annoyed at the lack of the evil dried fluid

You seem to have forgotten the use of words such as "repaginated". His grammar and sentance structure have fallen immensely, which is rather sad considering how bad it was in the first place.

The next chapter is a 30 page infodump (remember those? From the last book? Well here it comes. Oh, and the Duke has found yet another Deus Ex Machina method to play around with )

[Daedalus V2.0]

All right, infodump time. Our heroes arrive at the Redoubt, upon which they immediately go to the Blood Archives. At this point, we learn about Blood Signatures. Basically, all thay you need to know (distilled down from 8 or so pages) is that Blood Signatures are made up of two parts, one from the mother and one from the father, along with a small unique bit of their own. They can, as such, be considered to be DNA without the millenia of study necessary to understand (yes, the Duke was not content to simply add in a magical computer, he decided that magical DNA was necessary too). "Well, what is a Blood Signature?" you ask? It's simple. You remember when in the first book when an endowed person lost blood, it would move around? Well, it apparently always makes the same pattern and this pattern is the Blood Signature. All you need is a bit of Water of the Paragon and you're good to go for your DNA test. Anyways, in the Blood Archives, the signatures of every endowed person born in Eutracia is stored. You know, like the FBI database. Anyways, they do a BS (the new abbreviation ) test on Cerena, and sure enough she happens to be the daughter of Wigg and Failee. Well, a touchy feely moment passes. Now then, for no discernable purpose it's time to do one on Shailiha.

After the BS test on Shai is completed, Faegan makes a remarkable statement: he has just categorically proved that Forestallments exist. I'll spare you his reasoning, but you can be sure it's hackneyed at best. Anyways, apparently Forestallments are now proven to be immediately visible in a person's blood signature. "But what is a Forestallment?" you ask? Well, it is explained to us in the most roundabout way I've ever seen, over the course of about 12 pages. Anyways, a Forestallment is an ability placed into an Endowed person's blood, which that person can make use of without any training in the Craft. Forestallments are dormant until activated, and this happens either after a certain event or after a set period of time, dependant on how the spell was cast. After activated, it either remains usable forever or disappears after a short period of time. Apparently, Failee was a master of Forestallments (the wizards decide this with no evidence and using some of the most idiotic logic I've ever seen), and she was tossing Forestallments willy-nilly into everything known to man. Indeed, they believe that Shailiha must have about a million of them, and Tristan probably has some too. They also unilaterally decide that Forestallments pass from parent to child.

So, what do we need to know about Forestallments? They can pop up at any time, nobody knows if they have any, they can be any power under the sun and they require no effort to use. Or, in other words, "Look mom, Deus Ex Machina!". Anyways, after all of this, the group decides that they have to figure out what to do about the hatchling threat (the hatchlings are the evil, laser-eyed bewinged lizards of doom with swords we've been seeing a lot of). Tristan decides he'll bring over the Minion Army and wipe the floor with them, but Wigg and Faegan decide it's best to wait and see when Josh and Geldon get back. At this point, what's-her-name from the Fledgeling house shows up and gives the heroes her message, which is essentially just a personal attack on Tristan. It is explained that Fledgeling House was, indeed, a place where young, talented girls were being trained to service men use magic. Wigg had decided to flout his own laws and establish this place clandestinely. (Also, may I add that Shannon is here, and universally and rediculously drunk. You remember Gimli in the third LotR movie? Well, Shannon is that, but stupider and unable to kill things.) So, that's it. I think. Maybe Tristan and Wigg decided to go on a quest to some place, but if so I forgot about it.

As a ranty aside: Remember in the last book when we were told that the Paragon cannot be removed forcibly from it's host, powers them up rediculously and makes them immortal to anything but aging? Well, for some reason the characters have all forgotten this and decided that Tristan should not be allowed to wear it at this point in time. Stupid wizards, why try to cure the poison when you can make Tristan both immune to it and stupidly powerful at the same time?

[Daedalus V2.0]

Okay, more. This chapter is... well, just a continuation of the last chapter. What a stupid place to take a break. Anyways, we learn that the Fledgeling House is in fact over 20 years old and there's a whole generation of magic-using women out there. These women, known as the acolites of the Fledgeling House (such a cumbersome name...) are rather mediocre in terms of magical ability and are incapable of using the Vagaries, so a bunch of talking takes place about them. It serves no point, but meh. After this, it's time for more BS tests. First up is Shailiha's daughter, Morganna. She only has half of a BS, but it's clearly because her daddy was unendowed and therefore had no BS. She also has all of her mother's Forestallments, which proves Wigg's idea that they can be passed down from parent to child. After this is done, it's time for Tristan's BS reading. Well, everything is okay until they look closely and realize that Tristan has about a gazillion Forestallments (I see it coming, the Deus Ex Machina. It's like a light at the end of the tunnel, except that the tunnel has train tracks in the middle and you realize that the light is coming closer...). Well, everyone is quite understandably puzzled about this for all of three seconds before coming to the conclusion that, due to their plan to use Tristan for nothing other than a breeding tool, they gave him all of these Forestallments to pass them on to his children, Failee's "Master Race". They were granted to him during the rape performed by Sucky.

Oh yes, there's more. Tristan, being angry about everything and just plain annoying, decides that no matter what he's going to head over to Parthalon and browbeat the Minions into coming to kick some hatchling ass in his own country. He gets angry about a few other things and has a short internal monologue before the gang realizes that Ragnar could at any time remove the Time Enchantment from Celeste, reducing her to a pile of ash in mere seconds. Wigg sticks another one on her to ensure her safety, and a touching father-son daugher moment takes place. A bunch of unnecessary instructions are given to the woman who's name escapes my grasp, and the chapter ends.