Thongor! Brak! Lankar! Kothar!

[Erik of Hazelfield]

You have to give him though, that even if he's just pulled a complete quest scenario out of his ass, lets a character simply tell it to the protagonists and totally forgets about an earlier plot attempt, he did manage some foreshadowing with the birthmark thing. So that the readers can feel smart when they remember it. "Ha, the birthmark! I KNEW there was something fishy about that!"

[Maithanet]

You have to give him though, that even if he's just pulled a complete quest scenario out of his ass, lets a character simply tell it to the protagonists and totally forgets about an earlier plot attempt, he did manage some foreshadowing with the birthmark thing. So that the readers can feel smart when they remember it. "Ha, the birthmark! I KNEW there was something fishy about that!"

It's like an encyclopedia brown story. Look for the one extraneous detail in the whole story, and you know something is up.

[MinDonner]

That is <Phallic Imagery>^2

You don't know the half of it. I need to start quoting more of the passages where Kothar lovingly caresses the smooth hilt of his sword... oh, gods, now THAT's going to make the battle scenes harder to read from now on...

Anyway, the infodump dispensed with, our "heroes" leave the peasants to crucify the remaining robbers, then head off towards Alkarion; Lupalina lets her wolves go free, but decides to stick with the wolfy name for disguise purposes. Kothar is content; he has his sword back, as well as all his clothes (obviously the robbers took them as booty when they stripped him down for the rats - cos who wouldn't want a used bearskin kilt as a prize, amirite?) - his armour has reverted back to its original chainmail, for those who are keeping track.

They make the hundred-mile journey to Alkarion by sunset (yeah - who else thinks Fox forgot how far away it was supposed to be?), and then Lupe whispers that they should start calling her Samandra again. That name-disguise thing must have come in really useful while they were riding along those deserted forest paths. Stefanya, on the other hand, is having fun:

There was laughter on her lips and a sense of exultation in her shapely young body. From time to time her eyes would dwell on the wide mailed back and fur-clad shoulders of the barbarian, her protector, and a tender mood would come upon her spirits. She sighed often and her wide red mouth would smile to secret thoughts.

Samandra is shocked, shocked I tell you, at the state of her house when she gets there (yes, the house she abandoned several years ago to go and live with wolves). The neighbourhood is full of riffraff! The garden is full of weeds! The kitchen is full of cobwebs! Stefanya offers to clean up, which shocks Samandra even more. The princess of Phalkar - a cleaning woman? I just loooove the consistency of characterisation here. From cold-blooded clothes-ripping wolf-shaman to prissy society lady in less than a day!

Eventually, though, they get the place clean enough for Sam to use her crystal ball - and now we get a vision of the throne room, and three people who are probably important enough to describe here:

"Gods of Thuum!" breathed the barbarian.

"Who is that?" asked Samandra softly.

It was a tall youth, very pale of skin, yet handsome in a sepulchral manner, with large red eyes and a blood-red mouth. He sat stiffly, his black hair holding the golden crown of Phalkar, set with magnificent gems, his arms outstretched upon the twin-serpented arms.

To his left stood a tall, gaunt man with dark spade beard and black eyes that brooded upon mysteries from under bushy black brows. He was clad from shoulders to slippers in dull black on which was etched in scarlet threads the dread fangs of Belthamquar, father of demons. He never moved. He stared downward at something out of sight of the watchers in the crystal ball.

On the other side of the throne was the mage Thalkalides, a shorter man than Elviriom, and somewhat more fleshy. His shoulders were wide, his greying hair was curled upon a massive head that went well with the thick, muscular arms he showed on a short-sleeved tunic on which was emblazoned the sigils of fearsome Azthamur. Kothar drew a deep breath, his heart thudding wildly. Well, he finally knew that demon-god!

Oh, Kothar, no! You can't be getting scared at the picture of a demon on someone's T-shirt?! Also, the designs are etched? I do not think that word means what Fox thinks it means.

Obviously we know the two wizards, but the youth has an air of supernatural power about him. He is currently berating General Jarken Wat for refusing to attack Makkadonia; Jarken Wat says he will only do so on the orders of Themas Herklar. But! Muahahaha! It turns out that Herklar has been imprisoned, and now this kid is calling himself King Unus of Phalkar!

[Lupigis]

this kid is calling himself King Unus of Phalkar!

Unus?! Can we have some better names here, please!

[TerraPrime]

"Kothar lovingly caresses the smooth hilt of his sword.."

So, Kothor is an ant-eater, not a Darth Vader, eh?

a sense of exultation in her shapely young body

What does that even mean? Exultation in a body? What?

Also, if she's that hot and bothered by the view of Kothor's back....

On the other part:

So, there's an emo goth wearing a crown and a Hot Topic t-shirt in a series about barbarians. Although, you have to give him points for having mages with muscular arms and "a head that goes well with" those arms.

[Lummel]

Yes, it's hard work developing a muscular head, but well worth it.

Any ideas why the crystal ball won't work while the cottage is untidy?

At least they will be able to gain easy access to the throne room by posing as peddlers with conjunctivitus remedies...

[MinDonner]

So, Kothor is an ant-eater, not a Darth Vader, eh?

I'd google these, but I am at work, and I have a strong suspicion that the results would not be appropriate...

Although, you have to give him points for having mages with muscular arms and "a head that goes well with" those arms.

Imagine if they didn't, though! What a fashion faux pas!

Now that we've got to this point in the story, it's time to remind everyone of what we were promised in the back-cover blurb that I quoted when I bought the last batch of books:

Kothar rescued the beautiful gypsy girl Stefanya, helper to the wizard Elvirom, and carried her off on a journey filled with danger and mystery. His mission was to deliver a magic amulet to Herakon, the Regent of Phalkar. But Herakon was held prisoner in his own dungeon. When Kothar found him, he learned the secret of the true ruler of Phalkar...

Sounds oddly... unfamiliar? Yeah, you know a book is full of QUALITY when not even the blurb-writer can be bothered to read it or even get the names right...

[MinDonner]

Now it's time for Emo King to show off his powers:

Out of view of the crystal ball, men came dragging a naked man in chains, for the staring trio could see in its clear depths the figure of that man who struggled against the arms of the guards who held him. The guards dragged the wretched man to the foot of the dais.

Wait. Could they see him through the crystal ball or not??

Elviriom went on softly, "Observe this criminal, General. He has been doomed to be burned alive for his many crimes. But King Unus is merciful. Himself, he shall grant everlasting peace to such an unfortunate.

"Beware, Jarken Wat, that his fate is not your fate!"

On this note, Emo King turns out to have LASER EYES! He disintegrates the unfortunate prisoner with one look!

"Dwallka!" says Kothar. "What in the name of his war-hammer was that?"

Jarken Wat, however, has no such questions, and agrees to invade Makkadonia on the morrow.

On the other side of the crystal ball, Stefanya whimpers at the thought that she'll have to wrest her throne from such a fellow. And Kothar's eyes stab at Samandra (??) as he wonders what kind of creature this King Unus really is. He still needs to deliver that amulet to Themas Herklar, remember?

Herklar also gets a viewing through the crystal ball, and he is rotting in a dungeon. Kothar decides to rescue him, though Stefanya is not so keen on the idea:

Stefanya whispered, "Tell him that I live, Kothar! Let him die with that in his head." When they stared on her, she clenched her fists and cried, "He killed my mother and my father! Do you think I pity him? I curse his name! Just let him know I am alive and that I shall burn incense before the crypts of Karnol so that the death god may torture his soul in his ovens forever!"

Well, it's good that at least one of our protagonists has remembered that Herklar is perhaps not the nicest of gentlemen... but Sam's role in this double murder has been conveniently forgotten, even by Stef...

Kothar goes to kiss Stef chastely on the cheek on his way out, but she sneakily turns it into a proper snog, then off he goes to rescue Herklar from prison. Luckily the prison turns out to be about as well-guarded as Torkal Moh's fort:

The barbarian was like a wild animal in his silence. His warboots were of the finest Vandacian leather. They made no sound upon the stone. Down five stories he went like a shadow, hearing only the moaning of tortured prisoners and the snoring of men and women who slept.

A dozing man was on guard at the door that led into the dungeons. Kothar took him by the neck, holding him until his kickings ceased and his eyes glazed over. Propping him up in the chair as if he slept, removing the key ring at his belt, the Cumberian stepped past him through the doorway.

Herklar is in a sorry state, weeping over his past crimes and regretting his fleshly indulgences. He tells Kothar to keep the amulet as it will be no good to him any more, then gives a bit of infodump about King Unus (he's some kind of artificial being created by the two wizards, with life breathed into him by demons) before expiring mid-sentence, typically as he's just about to tell Kothar about Unus's special powers.

"I do not know whether anything can kill Unus. He is unique in all our world. Created by wizards, given life by demons! Who can predict about such as that?" Themas Herklar jabbed a finger at the Cumberian. But one thing I can tell you - before I die. Beware his..."

Kothar rasped a curse. The old man was gagging, eyes bulging. His gaunt body shook spasmodically so that the barbarian extended an arm to hold him. And then he heard the dry rattle in the wrinkled, old throat and knew that he would hear nothing more.

[TerraPrime]

RE: Min

PM me if you want to know what those terms mean

Kothar goes to kiss Stef chastely on the cheek on his way out, but she sneakily turns it into a proper snog,

But wait, Kothar is not married!! How can he be snogged when he's not married! Crafty, devious woman! *raises fist*

The barbarian was like a wild animal in his silence. His warboots were of the finest Vandacian leather. They made no sound upon the stone. Down five stories he went like a shadow,

So... Kothar is like a shadowy wild animal who wears leather?

hearing only the moaning of tortured prisoners and the snoring of men and women who slept.

As opposed to, I surmise, snoring of men and women who are awake.

"I do not know whether anything can kill Unus. He is unique in all our world. Created by wizards, given life by demons! Who can predict about such as that?" Themas Herklar jabbed a finger at the Cumberian. But one thing I can tell you - before I die. Beware his..."

Okay, this part? It requires no further comment.

[Nerdanel]

The blurb has to be some kind of record of inaccuracy.

Kothar rescued the beautiful gypsy

Not said anywhere to be a gypsy, but obviously the Lost Heir.

girl Stefanya, helper to the wizard Elvirom,

Zoqqanor. If it was really Elviriom (who should be written with an i) under an alias, it was one complicated and dubious plot.

and carried her off on a journey filled with danger and mystery. His mission was to deliver a magic amulet to Herakon,

Themas Herklar

the Regent

King

of Phalkar. But Herakon

Themas Herklar, again

was held prisoner in his own dungeon. When Kothar found him, he learned the secret

Well, more like half a secret.

of the true ruler

Not the true ruler since Stefanya wasn't mentioned. Oh, it probably means the evil wizards who are the power behind the throne except that there's two of them so that doesn't fit. Unus the emo boy with the laser eyes? Did he even bother to get himself officially crowned? Some demon lord controlling the wizards that we haven't heard of yet?

of Phalkar...

I nominate that we call the country Failkar.

[Maithanet]

The barbarian was like a wild animal in his silence.

Is this one of those silent wild animals or a loud one? Perhaps the next sentence will help:

His warboots were of the finest Vandacian leather.

Like leather from imaginaryland? That's not useful at all. In my experience people who are stealthy do not wear leather, as it makes that crinkly sound.

They made no sound upon the stone.

Finally he stops speaking in riddles and plainly tells me that Kothar is being quiet.

Perhaps next Kothar will be hungry enough to eat a fish, and wear armor to make him protected as an insect.

[Lummel]

A recent thread announced the death of Milorad Pavic, author of "Dictionary of the Khazars" and "Landscape painted with Tea".

These are post modern novels. Dictionary, for example is written as an encyclopedia and you can read it it from cover to cover or you can read from cross reference to cross reference or from back to front. The reader constructs the novel in their imagination.

Kothar manages to achieve the opposite effect.

You have to read the novel in a fixed and pre-determined manner while it deconstructs, or melts like ice, in the imagination becoming less coherent and more confused as the pages pass. Which is a pretty major achievement in it's own right.

Who knows what new craziness the remaining pages will bring us? I think the birthmark will counteract the laser eyes of the semi-demon king or maybe Ursula the bear woman will save them all yet and what about the amulet, is it too much to hope for that it will have some purpose in the story - wait I know the answer to this one - probably, yes it is far too much to hope for!

[Erik of Hazelfield]

Nice insight, Lammel.

This book is bad for somewhat different reasons than Carter's work. His plots might have been silly, but at least they were followed to their (predictable) end. Fox, on the other hand, manages to write a completely nonsensical story where new plots are introduced halfway through the book and old ones seemingly discarded. Seriously, WTF happened to that dead wizard's body?

[MinDonner]

Well, with Herklar dead, what does Kothar plan to do now?

The youthful giant shrugged. "Put Stefanya on her throne. My task for Merdoramon has been fulfilled - and I seek employment for my sword."

"Then do as I say," the woman said, filling his platter with food. "You shall carry a three-eyed golden poll to the Audience Hall of King Unus this day, in a silver cage."

"A poll? What kind of thing is that?"

Samandra gurgled laughter. "A bird I invented, Kothar - which shall be myself! Ah, I am anxious to see the faces of the two mages when they see what this golden poll has to say."

Yep, it's another plan that makes no sense! Kothar barges into Emo King's court where he's busy passing judgement on some peasants, and shouts out that he's brought the king a gift. Unus is less thrilled by this than you'd perhaps expect, and offers to have Kothar flayed alive if the gift turns out to be crap. I bet he was great fun at Christmas.

Still, at the sight of this magnificent golden bird Unus at least laughed, a cold unemotional laugh that went into the bones of a man and chilled them. The bird claims to see the past, present and future, and then predicts that Stefanya will soon be sitting on the throne! She lives! At this, cries and murmurs of fear and wonder went about the Audience Hall like a sonic tidal wave. The wizards are not best pleased, and especially not when the bird also accuses them of killing Thormond and Chryasala!

The sorceror reeled back, stunned. His normally pale face became as white as the snows on the Great Glacier between Cumberia and Thuum. His hand lifted, pointing at Kothar, quivering.

"Destroy that man!"

Kothar shouted and ripped Frostfire free of its scabbard. In a single bound he was before the throne, the point of his blade touching the throat of the king.

"Before I die - Unus the usurper dies!" he bellowed.

"Fool!" snarled Thalkalides. "The king will destroy you for your sacrilege! Unus, great lord - wash this barbarian with the scarlet stare of your glorious eyes, that he may pay the penalty for his crime!"

Unus said softly, "Nay! It comes to me that this man has brought me a rare gift, indeed. He has shown me that our throne harbours traitors. If you did, indeed, slay the king and queen before me, what proof have I that you might not someday conspire to slay me as well?"

I like Fox's take on the "white as snow" simile - not just ANY snow, it is as white as this SPECIFIC snow! Accuracy is everything.

So, now Unus is technically on Kothar's side against the evil wizards despite being a laser-eyed demon-spawn, so he lets Kothar leave the hall with his talking bird, and Kothar doesn't even get to kill anyone... there are only thirty pages left, how the hell is this all going to be sorted out in time?

[MinDonner]

Abandoned by chatters on a Sunday morning, there is nothing else for it but to get back to the barbarians.

So, Kothar and Sam-disguised-as-a-bird stroll out of the hall without killing anyone, but now they are being followed by "two tall fellows with murder in their eyes and dagger-hilts in their hands, half-hidden under their cloaks." It's the wizards' helpers, who have been sent to dispatch our heroes before they can talk to Unus. Cos obviously, talking to Unus while they were in the same room as him just a paragraph ago would have made no sense!

Kothar has a "plan", though; he trots off into the slums until he finds a disreputable tavern, then orders himself a beer and waits for the men to attack him, which they duly do.

The two men lunged with daggers.

And the barbarian reached out, stabbing with his hands and catching their wrists. Like iron bands were his mighty fingers as they turned those wrists to drive the daggerpoints deep into the wooden tabletop. For an instant the man stared at him with surprised eyes. Then they whirled and would have fled, but the hands of Kothar were on their heads, grasping their hair and yanking them back upon the table.

They lay helpless, staring up at him. "Listen, carrion birds," the barbarian rasped. "I could slay you as easily as not. You know this. I spare your lives on the condition that you return to Elviriom and Thalkalides who sent you. Say this to them: that their days in Alkarion are numbered, and that by the Hour of the Bird, doom shall come upon them."

He let them go, and watched them wrench themselves up off the tabletop and gather their cloaks about them. One of the two rasped, "Those wizards will fasten a cage to your head, barbarian - with a starving rat inside it!"

Now Kothar and Sam have a bit of an argument about how crap each other's plan was; Sam's plan, with the poll, was apparently supposed to stir up the populace into a revolution to overthrow the usurper, and she chastises Kothar for threatening the wizards (um, cos otherwise they'd have been really friendly?). Kothar's plan, however, depends on getting King Unus onside, cos he now knows that the emo boy wants to do away with the wizards as well, so shut up woman and let me finish my ale!

Sure enough, Unus turns up a bit later at Sam's house, ostensibly to claim the bird-present that Kothar offered him and then just rudely walked off with. But! They tell him that the only way he could get to keep this bird is if he first destroys El and Thal. Unus would love to kill them, but they are too strong for him - but Sam has a plan! She will get Unus's demonic parents to come and protect their child by killing the wizards!

Kothar and Stef leave them to it, and ride off somewhere else on a Mysterious Mission...

-----

Now, wait. Demonic parents? Belthamquar (Father of Demons) and his lovely mate Thelonia, apparently. In... *counts* 4 pages Unus has gone from being an artificial wizard-forged zombie-robot thing to becoming the actual offspring of the Demon King? This tale twists and turns like a twisty-turny thing, and not in a good way!

[Nerdanel]

It's becoming obvious that Fox and Carter have radically different approaches to the writing process in that Carter is the outlining type as his reveal-the-plot chapter titles show while Fox writes whatever pops into his head at the moment.

I wonder if we'll get to the end without a single further mention of Zoqqanor?

[MinDonner]

Sam and Unus are in her conjuring chamber for a spot of demon-summoning. After some mucking about with human-blood pentagrams, horned altars, demonic fires and suchlike (not to mention a touch of flirting with Emo Boy - Sam turns out to be quite the cougar!), strange things start to happen.

A coldness came into the room, creeping past the iron tripods flaring scarlet with their burning powders, avoiding the coffers that held the necessaries of the magical trade, tiptoeing along the floor that was marked with zodiacal and other mystical sigils. It was a cosmic cold, unearthly and terrifying. Its thin tendrils reached out over the pentagram so that Unus and Samandra shivered in unison.

In a far corner of the room, a darkness grew. From a spot of ebon entity it enlarged, quivering with sentience, with life, and with a malignancy that was stupefying. A blackness pulsed.

Don't know about you, but I'm certainly terrified AND stupefied by just the description!

Belthamquar and Thelonia show up (she is gorgeous and naked, he is... *examines book closely* ...entirely unworthy of any description. Possibly the intangible blackness in the corner?) - they are less like an awesome pair of demons than a married couple out of a soap opera. Unus hams it up a bit, begging them theatrically to save him from the mighty wizards (even a tear rolls down his cheek), and his parents proceed to bicker about it.

"Can we permit our son to be a puppet?" asked the sweet voice of Thelonia.

"Woman-demon, listen to me! There are restraints upon our appearance on this land of men. We can be summoned up, yes. But an unwarranted intrusion... I don't like it."

"Our names will be a laughing stock," cajoled Thelonia.

"No men shall mock me! Nor will they."

"Only if we teach those sorcerors a dread lesson."

"To do that - well, I'm not averse to the idea. After all, Elviriom and Thalkalides got their will of us - without so much payment as the lost soul of a slave girl to take back to our abodes to amuse us."

"Take their souls instead," suggested Unus.

"Quiet, boy!"

Eventually they agree to help out, just this once, and the ladies recite an incantation (though Thelonia makes Unus cover his ears, she doesn't want him hearing such language). It's basically a teleportation spell that gets them into the royal palace, but for some reason there's also a paragraph about demons being released from a million hells and charging through the city, fingering toothsome wenches and ridiculing fat merchants. You'd think an invasion of a million demons would make for an important part of the plot, but they are never mentioned again.

The palace itself is... well, sumptuous, but in a hilariously rude way:

Marble benches and erotic statues had been carved and placed in little grottos to tempt all who came in pursuit of fleshly pleasures. The love goddess herself might have planned this park, for there were depictions of the sterile and illicit caresses sacred to Hastarth in bronze and marble, everywhere the eye might look.

The palace was of porphyry and marble, of ebony and ivory. It was a masterpiece of architecture, with its many leaded windows shaped in the manner of a male or a female organ, and the entrance itself was...

Samandra gulped. She heard Thelonia laugh and turned towards her. The demon woman cried, "Which of the two planned that doorway, Samandra? I think he is a very naughty man!"

Thal and El are forcibly summoned from fleshly pleasures of their own, and Unus harangues them in a screechy voice for a paragraph or two. Then, Belthamquar turns into a load of tentacles and flays the skin off Thal at great length; Thelonia manually rearranges El into the shape of a giant toad (by putting her hands inside his flesh and snapping bones and the like) - it's all pretty gruesome stuff from a guy who was too coy to even say what the rude doorway looked like.

Then the demons vanish, taking the remains of the wizards with them... and Unus turns to Sam and stabs her in the stomach!

[Maltaran]

Curse you and your sudden but inevitable betrayal!

[TerraPrime]

This book is too much for me.

My mockery-writing skill is both terrified and stupefied.

My only question is, how much was he paid to do this? And where can I get a contract like that?

[Lummel]

My only question is, how much was he paid to do this? And where can I get a contract like that?

Hmmm, boozy lunch with publisher?