Thongor! Brak! Lankar! Kothar!

[MinDonner]

You can, but with the constraint that they have to start with "From" or end with "said".

If we knew the other options for the Invision 3.0 quote tag, we might be able to find one without constraints. I wonder if Ran knows...

Ooh, thanks!

*wonders if I can be arsed to go back and fix all the earlier quotes in the thread that have been screwed up by stray apostrophes etc*

(probably not)

[MinDonner]

Onto Chapter 4! And we are just about halfway through the book.

A mutter rose and swelled behind him as the peasants saw that pile of stone and rock and the armed men who were mere winks of sunlight on steel caps as they patrolled the sidewalks. Their feet began to drag and their murmurs of sullen dismay broke out into cries of fear.

A pile of stone AND rock? Well I never. Kothar sweeps the peasants with his glare and tries to scare them into acting more bravely, even asking Lupalina to set her wolves on them if they flinch. Yeah, that'll work. I don't blame the peasants at all, though; inside the fortress are apparently at least a hundred fighting men, and there are only thirty in Kothar's amateur invasion squad (oh, and an indeterminate number of wailing women in chains, who are mentioned briefly in passing and then never referred to again).

Still, they get inside that always-barred gate with no trouble, and the peasants set about slaying some unarmed men who are getting changed beside the armoury. Then it's Kothar's turn!

Kothar was flinging open the armory door. A dozen men inside the dirt-floored room, polishing armor and sharpening their swords and daggers, gaped at him with bulging eyes. He was across that space that separated them, his sword cleaving the air an instant before burying itself in warm flesh. He ravened like a madman, for of all of those who had ridden into Raven Garde he alone was battle-wise enough to understand that not one of this small army of brigands must be left alive to carry on their grim trade.

His peasants aren't doing too badly either; apparently they are fighting like "men paid to bring death to other men". "Professional killers" clearly had too many syllables for Fox's target readership.

Then, Torkal Moh appears! He is, of course, astounded to see Kothar, who should have had his bones picked clean by now - he doesn't call him by name, though, so I guess that other robber (with the jar of slops) must have been called Kothar after all.

Like all good boss battles, Torkal Moh first summons 8 brawny men-at-arms that Kothar has to get through before the main event. They reminded him of fighting a polar bear back home - the mighty Nanaak. Nanaak was as lightning with his massive paws, but Kothar had been faster (well, obviously). This reminds Kothar to start growling like a bear, which apparently scares the shit out of the brawny men.

And then Torkal Moh leaped.

His blade was high, coming downward, when Kothar heard his footfall. Not like the ears of ordinary men were the ears of the barbarian. His hearing was a weapon that he used in hunting and in the savage battles of his barbaric world. He heard that sandal slap the flooring and he threw himself downward, flat upon the ground; in the middle of his fall, he swung the axe behind him.

The edge of the war-axe caught the robber baron just above each knee as it swept through the air. It slashed his legs in half.

That's one hell of a sharp axe!

Torkal Moh expires before he can tell Kothar where girl, amulet and sword are*, and his remaining henchmen all run off to get slaughtered by peasants, so K has to go and terrorise a servant woman to get the information. Turns out that the sword and amulet are hanging on the "gifting tree" (where they put sacrifices to the foul god Pthassiass) and the girl is in the dungeon! He quickly unchains her from the wall (she is conveniently unconscious so just gets slung over his shoulder) and then goes forth to reclaim his treasure from Pthassiass!

*not in that order. Obviously the sword is his first priority.

[mashiara]

Not like the ears of ordinary men were the ears of the barbarian.

You gotta love how this guy writes. No? I mean, the words just... flow.

I had no doubts that Kothar the mighty would prevail, no matter what. I'm a bit sad to hear we're already halfway through the book. What will we do without him?

[Lord O' Bones]

I can't think of a more worthy cause for positive rec's than Min taking book after awful book on the chin for our amusement. Get on it, people.

[Antonius Pius]

Nanaak was as lightning with his massive paws, but Kothar had been faster (well, obviously). This reminds Kothar to start growling like a bear, which apparently scares the shit out of the brawny men.

What brawny man wouldn't be scared shitless by barbarians with ears unlike ordinary men and growling like bears?

A bit belated perhaps, but thanks for sharing Min. This thread is quite wonderful, though I do miss the thews.

How many pages has Kothar? If chapter 4 is already at the midway point of the book, it probably isn't a doorstopper...

[MinDonner]

I'm a bit sad to hear we're already halfway through the book. What will we do without him?

Don't worry, there's still Brak to get through once Kothar finishes his exciting adventures...

I can't think of a more worthy cause for positive rec's than Min taking book after awful book on the chin for our amusement. Get on it, people.

How many pages has Kothar? If chapter 4 is already at the midway point of the book, it probably isn't a doorstopper...

Not a doorstopper at all; Kothar clocks in at a less-than-impressive 156 pages. At least Fox hasn't done Carter's trick of pretending to break it up into three or four "books"...

Before we head out to meet Pthassiass, I would just like to ponder a moment longer on this "assault" on Raven Garde. What we have, basically, is a bunch of armed strangers just blithely walking into this supposedly impregnable fortress. I'll skip back a few pages just to show you how they did it:

The men pacing guard duty on the sidewalks paid no attention to these dusty travellers. They saw the armor of the riders, the weary walking of the men-at-arms. They heard the keening of the women who were chained together. There was no reason to be suspicious.

That's it. They just walked in! Not even any need for Lupalina to pull some "these aren't the droids you're looking for" mojo, or even a lame "hi, we're new" excuse... I guess there's a reason why Torkal Moh's open-door policy was not generally followed among the robber baron community.

ANYWAY. Back to the dread god Pthassiass, whose garden is in a bit of a state:

Kothar stared at a gravelled pathway that wound between strange trees and curious plants and flowers, upward along a hill. The petals of these plants and flowers were lumpy, appearing half rotten, and the stalks on which they nodded were scabrous and covered with bloated white fungi.

The barbarian snorted. "It has the look of a garden of the dead," he muttered, "where the roots are sunk deep into the corpses of men and women."

The whole garden is pretty eerie, and the plants all seem weirdly carnivorous in an unspecified way - in Fox's clumsy way, he actually makes this scene quite creepy, so props to him for that. And then we come to the gifting tree, which is festooned with the treasure of the ages!

"Torkal Moh and his father and his father before him made a covenant with Pthassiass, who dwells in the silver lake. They agreed to heap this tree high with their most precious possessions and send human sacrifices to the garden on which Pthassiass feeds in some strange manner, if that beast-god would guard that treasure.

"In such a way, Torkal Moh and his robber baron ancestors knew that no matter where they rode, their treasures would be safe from attack."

Hm. It all seems a lot of effort compared to, say, hiring some competent gate guards. Just a thought. At least you'd expect Pthassiass to have some super powers beyond eating potential thieves? He sounds like a crap god.

[MinDonner]

Kothar grabs his sword Frostfire off the gifting tree (phew!), as ominous ripples in the lake indicate the probable approach of Pthassiass. He lets his eyes run over the tree and then grabs the amulet; for a laugh he also takes some treasure and starts dressing Stefanya up in it (she's still unconscious); this is, apparently, to "taunt and mock a dangerous opponent", something barbarians are wont to do fairly often. And at last Pthassiass makes an appearance!

Upward form the unplumbed depths of the silver lake rose a head almost as big as a house. One glittering eye stared balefully at the man and the two women on the shore. A forked tongue ran from gaping lips where great fangs gleamed, outward into the air. From its huge snout dangled thick tendrils of flesh, tinted purple, and down the long neck fluttered a crest of the same purplish tissue.

Seemingly without movement, the thing moved towards the shore.

Kothar dumps Stefanya on the ground and the other woman faints too, so he does not have to worry about them for the moment. Good job too, as Pthassiass turns out to be about the same size as the entire fortress!

It seems that the nasty plants around the lake are also trying to eat Pthassiass, so you'd think that would be the basis for a cunning plan, but instead Kothar takes the Headless Chicken approach to monster-battlin'. He chucks his spare sword into Pthsssss's eye, then runs off down the path with a chick under each arm, then drops them on the ground and hides in a doorway, then realises that they're about to get eaten so he does some flailing about with his sword (thus:)

Pthassiass was writhing upward with its neck, attempting to pull it out of reach of the sword that nibbled at its throat, beside the edge of the silver lake where Kothar swung Frostfire like a man demented. Around and about, as if he wove a figure eight with steel, he slashed and stabbed until his body was almost covered with the purple ichor that passed for demon-blood.

Eventually, Pthss gets so wounded that it falls prey to the ichor-sucking plants, which drag it down for a feast. So yay! Stefanya also resumes consciousness, but she's a little bit more subdued now after being tortured by Torkal Moh.

They walk back through the fortress where the peasants are joyfully raping the remaining women (yes ) to meet up with Lupalina and continue on to Alkarion. But when Stefaya sees Lupalina, she recognises her as the woman who gave her up for adoption!!

[Maia]

At least you'd expect Pthassiass to have some super powers beyond eating potential thieves? He sounds like a crap god.

Well, names may not be destiny, but... And yea, I thought that peasants and women were people from the same settlement? Also, nice how Lupalina is totally unmoved by all the rapin'.

[Asha—Not Yara!]

I thought they were too, Maia, unless the robbers had their own women, but either way it's just awful that the "good guys" wouldn't stop it. Though Kothar did joke about raping Stefanya earlier, so I guess he just considered it all good fun and Stefanya and Lupalina are too self absorbed to care.

Oh, what happened to that wizard's body that Stefanya needed in order to stay alive because her life was bound to his for some weird reason?

[Erik of Hazelfield]

Kothar once saved a girl, but only because not doing so would be a waste of wenchhood.

When Kothar is staked out for humiliation, they must let him keep his loincloth. Otherwise the his capturers would be humiliated themselves.

Kothar isn't bothered by rats. He stares them down until they do what he wants.

Kothar was once attacked by a pack of wolves. He choked the first two to death, but before he could kill the third a woman appeared and ordered him to stop. Kothar doesn't take orders from women, but made an exception because he wanted a hot meal and his last cook woman got captured a few pages earlier.

Kothar doesn't thank his lucky star when he finds food and shelter in the middle of nowhere. His lucky star thanks itself because it doesn't have to deal with a pissed-off Kothar.

Kothar doesn't turn around if he's attacked from behind. He cuts your legs off with a backward axe swing.

Kothar once stole a treasure from a demon-god. The only reason he didn't kill it was because he had one unconscious chick under each arm. Then he killed it anyway.

[Nerdanel]

For some reason that last quote brings a (demented) figure skater to my mind, weaving figure eights on the ice with the steel of his skates. The evil demon god doesn't quite fit in the picture though...

Do we know anything about Frostfire beyond that it's a magic sword? I'm imagining here a sword that somehow does additional 1d6 points of fire damage and 1d6 points of cold damage at the same time, but I might be entirely wrong about that.

I wonder what was the point of the creepy plants in the shrine. If the evil, bloodsucking plants hadn't been put there, the demon god probably would have lived, like, a minute longer. What's it with villains and hazardous decorations they themselves fall into?

[MinDonner]

Hm, I should probably have explained, but it never seemed entirely relevant to the plot. From what I've gleaned from hints in the text, Frostfire is a slightly magic sword (possibly +10 strength or somesuch) that Kothar got from some wizard in a previous book, and it carries the associated curse that whoever wields it cannot amass any treasure. Pthss's garden was also planted by a wizard who wanted to keep Pthsss in his place; it was designed to stop him from leaving his lake and wreaking havoc. "A wizard did it" seems to be the standard explanation in Kothar Country, I suspect we'll be seeing plenty more of that in subsequent chapters.

[Maithanet]

I love it when I can move seemingly without movement! That is the best.

Was anyone else pretty unsatisfied with this monster battle? It's head is as big as a house, its body as big as the entire fortress, and yet it is unable to sweep Kothar aside? He can keep it at bay with his brilliant strategy of flailing about?

Crap god is right.

At first I was happy with Kothar being a bit more of a dick/a little less Mary Sue meets Terminator (Thongor, I'm looking at you here. Not you Lankar, stay over there.) However, I was wrong.

I need my barbarians to be ridiculously unstoppable, unable to flee, and unwilling to try. Thongor's mighty thews would have killed the monster himself, and the carnivorous plants to boot. He probably would have stopped the raping going on too, or at least had the decency not to mention it.

[Asha—Not Yara!]

Heh, someone told me that the excuse "A wizard did it" is what Lucy Lawless started telling her fans whenever someone asked her about some details that didn't make sense in her Xena: Warrior Princess series.

[thx4allthefish]

this thread is a bad, bad influence ... i had to put down 'The Claw Of The Conciliator' (Book Of The New Sun) after reading the main character described as 'all thew'

[MinDonner]

Oh, what happened to that wizard's body that Stefanya needed in order to stay alive because her life was bound to his for some weird reason?

This is a very good question; the body of Zoqqanor seems to have vanished from the plot without trace. But who cares about the past! Barbarians only live in the present, and right now we are witnessing the joyful reunion between Lupalina and Stefanya, who seems to be the daughter of someone called Chryasala.

Now, what is the first thing you'd do when reacquainting yourself with an old friend's daughter? Would you, perhaps, rip her clothes off? Cos that's exactly what Lupalina does (ostensibly to see the famous birthmark). Stefanya is pretty pissed off about this, but Kothar stops her from clawing Lupe's eyes out while we hear the story of her Mysterious Past...

*screen goes all wobbly*

Lupalina said dreamily, "Long and long ago, I was tire-woman to Chryasala, Queen of Phalkar." At Stefanya's gasp, the wolf woman nodded. "Aye, that is the Chryasala I mean, a little spitfire of a thing out of little-known Sybaros that King Thormond fell in love with and wed. In her land, Chryasala was a princess of royal blood.

"They were very much in love, Chryasala and Thormond, so much so that the king neglected his duties. When a man named Themas Herklar, a general of the army of Phalkar, gradually assumed the controls of government, King Thormond paid no attention. He was content to be alone with his Chryasala and make love to her."

Yep, and our Stefanya is the product of this rather distracting union, as evinced by her convenient birthmark. Wow!

Lupalina is not entirely blameless in this affair, however. As an impoverished sorceress (by the real name of Samandra - guess she must have picked Lupalina for herself then), she had been roped in by Elviriom and Thalkalides to help assassinate King Thormond and his wife, for the princely sum of fifty thousand gold dinars, on behalf of this Herklar. This wasn't even any kind of moral dilemma for her, she just agreed straight away! The reason they needed an extra wizard for the assassination was because Merdoramon had cast a protective spell over the king and queen and it took three of them to break it.

Er. All a bit complicated here. King and Queen die in a rockslide, but Elviriom has cast baby Stefanya's horoscope and can't see any death in it; Samandra offers to kill the baby for him so he brings it to her (why didn't he just kill it himself? It can't be that hard) and she sneakily swaps it for a baby corpse that she prepared earlier. Then, she takes baby Stefanya to Zoqqanor and gets him to look after her.

So, Themas Herklar is a good ruler for years until Elviriom brings him a dusky beauty called Ayilla, who turns him into a tax-raising sex-obsessed tyrant; Elviriom and Thalkalides then take up the reins of government while he's off with his sex slaves. Samandra tried to talk him out of his obsession, but failed, and had to go and live with wolves instead for some reason - but! she kept an eye on him by magic, and found out that Herklar had written to Merdoramon requesting some kind of protective spell - like an amulet! Now Kothar has to get the amulet to Herklar, defeat the wizards and help Stefanya ascend the throne!

Um. If Merdoramon was so friendly with King and Queen, why was he so eager to send an amulet to the guy that murdered them? And does no-one think it's unlikely that the Regent will hand over power to a royal scion when he already paid 150000 dinars to have her parents murdered? This background makes about as much sense as the rest of the book.

[TerraPrime]

Kothar grabs his sword Frostfire off the gifting tree (phew!)

That is <Phallic Imagery>^2

I believe this symbolizes the emasculation of all of Kothar's male opponents, as he takes his manhood-substitute from another phallic symbol, harkening to the Greek mythology of Zeus's predecessors biting off their fathers' genitals.

Or it could just be horrid writing.

as ominous ripples in the lake indicate the probable approach of Pthassiass.

Ripples are ominous in this world?

Yep, and our Stefanya is the product of this rather distracting union, as evinced by her convenient birthmark. Wow!

Yes, boys and girls, don't forget that kingdoms have fallen when their kings are given over to loving their wives too much. Either that's euphemism for the king is boinking his wife all day, every day, or it's meant to say that he is weak for showing caring and love to his wife. I'm going to guess it is the second, given the rape that has been going around in his fortress/camp. So, the answer is clear: rape, not love. Or your kingdom falls.

[Nerdanel]

The moral of the story: kings (or anyone with any responsibility) should marry only ugly women, because beautiful women are far too distracting. It sounds like Fox hadn't had nearly enough, if any...

I suppose if the beautiful queen was also more intelligent than the king, good things could happen if he started to listen to her advice, but of course that never happens in the Kothar land.

[Insert Edit]

Ripples are ominous in this world?

Pfft. Two things are always ominous. Ripples and clowns.

[beniowa]

This is a very good question; the body of Zoqqanor seems to have vanished from the plot without trace.

It's hard enough keeping track of the number of people in fight scene. How can any author possibly be expected to keep track of a dead wizard? I mean, seriously! It's far more important to channel his repressed adolescent male urges by having a wolf sorceress ripe off a young woman's clothes!