dezebel Posted December 17, 2009 Share Posted December 17, 2009 omg. I just discovered this thread and it is my new favorite. chock full of lolz. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thx4allthefish Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 omg. I just discovered this thread and it is my new favorite. welcome to the club Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lupigis Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 It was a masterpiece of architecture, with its many leaded windows shaped in the manner of a male or a female organ The entrence aside, isn't the above quote a bit of a contradiction in terms? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinDonner Posted December 19, 2009 Author Share Posted December 19, 2009 Last chapter! Fox has 9 pages to bring his tightly-plotted epic to its awesome conclusion! So here we are with Kothar and Stef galloping away on their horses... Stef is watching Kothar's muscular bulk and craggy good looks with more than an idle interest; she's decided that she's in love with him and would like to make him King once she becomes Queen. Craggy good looks? That's how one describes old (yet still hot) guys, surely? Maybe Kothar (the "youthful giant") looks more like Harrison Ford than Orlando Bloom, then? If Harrison Ford had long golden hair, anyway. No, I can't picture that either. But, where on earth can they be going? Stef is puzzled, but Kothar has the answer: "Have you forgotten Zoqqanor in a deep coma somewhere in the gorges of Gyrolois? Do you remember when Torkal Moh attacked us, staking me out and robbing me, and carrying you off with him? The comatose body of the magician was on a spare horse. They pitched it into a gorge, didn't they?" Well! This was like three days ago, so it seems a little odd for Kothar to be reminding her about it in such great detail... but on the other hand, Kothar even gets the details wrong, as Zoq was on a travois, not a spare horse! Not even Fox can be bothered to read back his own book and check for consistency. But then we'd already pretty much figured that out anyway. They need to find Zoq before Unus does! Cos Unus, apparently, will have already used his necromantic arts to find out that a) Stef was apprenticed to Zoq and b ) Zoq put that death-spell on her and c) his body is in a gorge somewhere, so obviously his next task after killing the wizards will be to come and destroy Stef by taking out Zoq! The fact that this makes zero sense is irrelevant (of course); Fox has control of this story in defiance of all logic, and sure enough, Kothar senses that they are being followed. Despite the gorge being 100 miles from Alkarion, they get there really quickly - Stef's random brown horse must be just as badass as Kothar's Greyling, as they manage to gallop the whole way. Kothar then leaps from rock to rock, searching for Zoq's body, which is still seeming dead and frozen as if by long immersion in the ice of a northland glacier. Good job those rats never got to him, then. Or the hobgobs or living statues or whateverthefuck else was trying to kill him through the first few chapters. Kothar heaves the body out onto the road, and then comes Unus on a Horse from Hell! King Unus came as does the gale, sweeping along the road without pause, without halt, a blaze of whiteness that was horse and rider. With fantastic strides the animal came on, blurring with motion, but there was a motionless quality about it so that it seemed he glided rather than ran. Yet, his hoofbeats made a thunder that crashed and rocked about the ears of the man and girl who stood staring downward. Then the horse was coming along the road right at them. They could see the red eyes of the king in his dead-white face as he stared from them to the body of the magician, and back again. White hands reined in that strange animal that took the appearance of a gigantic horse, and then the king swung down to stand beside it. Unus uses his laser eyes on Kothar, but it doesn't work! Kothar jumps forwards and cuts Unus's arm off (at this, Unus mouths imprecations dreamed in hellfires. Is this just bad-barbarian-fic code for "swears like a trooper"?) But, laser eyes are not Unus's only power; he now uses the Force to chuck stones at Kothar and open a great fissure in the road; he also steals Frostfire with the same Force powers and summons some kind of tentacle-demon to attack Kothar. Then he zaps Zoq with his laser eyes and Stefanya screams! "Dwallka - aid me," Kothar growls, and tears himself free from the tentacles and grabs Unus in a mighty bear-hug, which kills him instantly! But how could this be? Yep, it's the AMULET, which finally comes into play! It saved him from the laser-vision and also killed Unus with one touch; now Kothar hangs it round Stef's neck and she stops dying. Hurray! Stef decides to hire Kothar as her Prime Minister now that she's Queen, and they ride back to Alkarion, where Sam is still alive and well (it's OK, she used a spell - and that is literally as much explanation as we get), and Stef gives her permission to be the only legal black-magic user in the kingdom. Kothar, though, is troubled; he doesn't really want to be Prime Minister, so Sam advises him to sneak out of town when Stef's not looking. And so he does! He sang as he passed through the Dragon Gate and trotted along the road to Makkadonia. Frostfire swung at his side. He was no king, doomed to rot upon a throne, despite the fact that he might have a beautiful woman at his side. There were not enough treasures in the Phalkarian strongrooms to tempt him to give up his sword. Ever since Afgorkon, the long-dead mage, had given him the sword - with a choice of keeping the sword and riding penniless through life, or foregoing Frostfire and accepting wealth - it had been this way. It satisfied Kothar the barbarian. His hand touched the red jewel set in the swordhilt and wrapped long fingers about the braided hilt. It was a caress, that gesture, as though he stroked the smooth flesh of a beautiful woman. ------ Hmmmm. I'm pretty sure it's not a beautiful woman he's thinking about at this point. For all his casual rape-jokes and bum-slapping, Kothar does not seem much of a fan of the laydeez. Perhaps we can add him into the literary canon as the spiritual ancestor of Cnaiur? Anyway, that's all there is of Kothar. Next up is Brak! 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Nerdanel Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 And so the books ends. Fox must have remembered at the last moment that he still had important hanging plot threads that he had to tie up, whether it made sense or not. I get the feeling that the book was plotted while drunk and never proofread other than to fix spelling and grammar. Lin Carter was hackneyed and predictable, but Fox can't even manage predictable with his inability to write a logical story without a million huge plot holes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lummel Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 I get the feeling that the book was plotted while drunk and never proofread other than to fix spelling and grammar. Yes! I can believe that. Particularly as my brain hurts now because it flatly refused to abandon logic. Bad brain. As our paragon of wenchhood said: The fact that this makes zero sense is irrelevant (of course); Fox has control of this story in defiance of all logic, and sure enough, Kothar senses that they are being followed I've got to admire the way Lin Carter and the slightly less than fantastic Mr Fox have so many ideas, not all of them terrible (nicely spotted architectural impossibility Lupigis), and never allow them to develop to their full potential. On second thoughts, maybe I should be glad about that. Anyhow they have really inspired me to believe that one day I too could write a truely terrible little novel. Roll on Brak! Resolution of all plot loose ends in nine pages to beat! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erik of Hazelfield Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 Awesome! He finally remembered Zoq. I had almost given up at that point. Also, bonus points for the not-at-all-awkward way of reintroducing the plot. "Do you remember that old wizard who we left in the gorge three days ago and who your life depends on?" 'Cause it's like totally easy to forget about such things. Anyway, cheers to you, Min! Another milestone for our little barbarian fiction club. Awaiting Brak eagerly! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinDonner Posted December 19, 2009 Author Share Posted December 19, 2009 I forgot to mention, there were no further appearances by Unus's parents, either. They were so keen to protect him from the wizards, but obviously had no particular problem with him getting killed by Kothar... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mashiara Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 Not even Fox can be bothered to read back his own book and check for consistency. But then we'd already pretty much figured that out anyway. You can say that again! I can believe he actually tried to tie off loose ends with only 9 pages left. No, forget that, I can't believe that books like that actually get published. Thank you Min, for going through this and for providing us with lots of laugh with your brilliant commentary. You rule! Bring on Brak! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beniowa Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 Awesome as always, Min! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Asha—Not Yara! Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Oh man, my head ached trying futilely to follow that so-called "plot". Thanks for doing this MinDonner! I am looking forward to seeing how Brak compares to Thongar and Kothar. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Antonius Pius Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Ouch, that was a _bad_ book... Thanks for taking one for the team Min. Love your reports. Let's see if Brak is as bad as Kothar... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maia Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 So, I guess that despondent Stef will now succumb to fleshly pleasures, raise taxes and become a tyrant? Or will the absence of great passion keep her on the straight and the narrow? In any case, Min's recap was hilariously funny. Out lives were lengthened and health improved, for sure . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinDonner Posted December 21, 2009 Author Share Posted December 21, 2009 Brak time! But, before we start on with the text, I'd just like to take a moment to consider the cover. Is it the badly-painted cheesetastic artwork, with our snarling barbarian hero striding forth (he either has misshapen legs or a stride approx 2 metres long), the buxom blonde behind him dressed in some kind of 80's halter-neck trouser-suit, the sinister Arabs on the horizon? In fact, it is not; I would instead consider the price label, which sports the name of "Two Way Books". But what's this? Two Way Books appears to have the same address as Dave's Comics, formerly Dave's Bargain Bookshop, formerly David's Book Exchange, which name it bore when I first moved to Brighton in 1994. So Brak has been sitting, unpurchased and forlorn, on the shelf of that shop for a minumum of fifteen years, probably considerably longer. I feel honoured - nay, privileged - to be bringing this forgotten classic back beneath the eyes of the world. I bring you: Brak the Barbarian - The Mark of the Demon - John Jakes Brak's third adventure. Let's see how he measures up! ----- 1. The Twins Well then. We meet Brak in pretty much the same circumstances in which we met Kothar - he is struggling through a desert, though pursued only by a nasty wind instead of some demons. Anger glared in his eyes. He wanted to strike the wind and kill it. On hands and knees, he resembled some primitive animals snarling at a hostile world. Not a typo (or not by me, anyway); he does, in fact, resemble some animals. Perhaps it is his lionskin loincloth (complete with tail)? Unlike the overdressed Kothar, that is all he's wearing apart from a raggy cloak, some of which he has wrapped round his feet to protect them from the harsh ground. Warboots are for pussies. He also has a thickly muscled wrist and a blonde braid of hair. The wind, apparently, is the one he was warned about by some toothless old men - what was its name? The Skulwind. Skulwind of Logol. It slew the unwary, they said. It had been known to strip the flesh from a man's face. The big barbarian had laughed at that. On reflection now, he recalled that the toothless fathers had specifically told him that the Skulwind blew on Logol's desert. That lay beyond the barrier plateau. Still, this wind was bad enough. OK, I love that bit. The ominous intonation of Skulwind of Logol! followed by "oh yeah, but it's not that wind anyway"... He struggles along through some boulders for a bit, then all at once he plants his feet wide and listens. Really listens. And he hears a man and a woman crying for their lives! Yep, it's monster-battlin' time! Brak's first monster is neither a larth, a vastodon nor a living statue, but some kind of giant bird (or "bird-thing", to be more precise), with a beak as long as his leg and a three-forked tongue. It is attacking a couple of sparkly, presumably the twins of the title. Brak's keen barbarian senses figure out from clues what has happened - there's a rockslide, a dead pony and some squashed giant eggs in a damaged nest (so, duh). However, his fightin skillz are less impressive than his powers of deduction. He manages to 1) not damage the bird very much with his first stroke, 2) fall over, 3) get knackered after half a page, 4) fall over again and 5) get skewered with a talon. He finally manages to skewer the bird in the eye before falling over a third time and giving himself concussion. But, the bird-thing dispatched, it is time to take stock of these sparkly twins. Like enchanted things they radiated multicoloured brilliance. Brak wiped his eyes and clambered down. For an eerie moment he'd imagined himself in the presence of two of the unfamiliar gods that inhabited these so-called civilised countries. But then he realised the man and woman shone because their dusty travelling clothes - the man's boots, doublet, cloak lining; the woman's pantaloons, jacket, cape lining too - were crusted with hundreds of tiny gems. Whoever they were, they wore treasure on their backs. Arms around one another's waists, they watched him. Creepy sparkly twins, with a slight hint of twincest! Can we really have met the bad guys already? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sophelia Posted December 21, 2009 Share Posted December 21, 2009 Oh, this one seems priceless! *settles down happily with sherry and popcorn* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lupigis Posted December 21, 2009 Share Posted December 21, 2009 Min, you're on fire! A new book already! Shouldn't the Skulwind be the skull wind, since it "had been known to strip the flesh from a man's face"? Or I am I just not being linguistically imaginative enough? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beniowa Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 Excellent start there, Min! *grabs some of Soph's popcorn* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mashiara Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 This sounds very promising, Min! Brak's keen barbarian senses figure out from clues what has happened - there's a rockslide, a dead pony and some squashed giant eggs in a damaged nest (so, duh). However, his fightin skillz are less impressive than his powers of deduction. He manages to 1) not damage the bird very much with his first stroke, 2) fall over, 3) get knackered after half a page, 4) fall over again and 5) get skewered with a talon. He finally manages to skewer the bird in the eye before falling over a third time and giving himself concussion. He's not much of a fighter, our new barbarian hero, is he? Maybe he's a lover instead... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thx4allthefish Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 Superb! I like this Brak better than Kothar - at least he has enough sense to wear lion- instead of bearskin in the desert. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nerdanel Posted December 22, 2009 Share Posted December 22, 2009 My guess is that the weird twins are innocents that were raised in luxury. Possibly their backstory is something to the effect that they were worshipped as gods by some weird (evil) religion that demands that the eternally young twin gods are sacrificed on their own altar on their eighteenth birthday and replaced by new twin babies, which is why they ran away. At the moment Brak seems to be a bit higher in quality than Thongor and Kothar, but we'll see... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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