Daedalus V2.0 Posted March 5, 2008 Author Share Posted March 5, 2008 Edit: Also, #29 was intially referenced as #28. Was that a typo or did the Duke change slaves or something? Er, sorry about that. 28 was the guy next to 29, and there were two of them described in the course of the chapters, both of whom died. Their deaths, and 29's reaction to them, is really what makes him a good character. In fact, his interactions with others in comparison to his inner monologue are really one of the few cases of intentional irony present in the novels. Of course, in a world where the main characters are all endowed, and can therefore throw character development and realistic motivation to the wind due to the new "Your genetics makes you good or evil!" approach, it's obvious that the bit characters are going to be so much better. I find Tristan absolutely deplorable, while 29 is intruiging because of his flaws. In fact, some day I think I might send an Email to the Duke, asking him to kill off all the main cast and have Geldon and 29 star in a new series of novels. Except that that would be encouraging the man to write, and... Well, whatever. New summary coming in a few hours, when I finish up with my lazying and pick up the book to use as a reference. Oh, and, SPOILER: Hah, this one's not a real spoiler. Go ahead, read it. Actually, this book is much better than the previous two. I find myself actually reading ahead of where I am in the summaries, which is quite unique. It's true that the book is absolutely absurd, and there are frequent wallbanger moments, but it's just good enough to entertain me, even if I do feel disgusted with the whole thing. To use a metaphor, if this series was a group of diseases, it would look like this: The Fifth Sorceress: Gonorrhea. Very unpleasant, but it'll leave you with time. Essentially forgettable, but really unpleasant to actually read. The Gates of Dawn: AIDS. Seriously, this is just like AIDS. It was absolutely horrid, a literary abortion that should have been burned at the first reading and never been discussed again. I will never, ever forgive Del Rey for publishing this. It's absolutely among the worst books ever written, bar none. The impact of this novel will never leave me. It is a permanent stain of the sould of any who read it, and realize that if you do read it you are commiting an unspeakable atrocity on yourself. The Scrolls of the Ancients: Stomach flu. Pretty unpleasant all told, but it does have a positive aspect or two, and compared to an STD it's absolutely nothing. Of course, those periods you spend over the toilet vomiting your guts out make you doubt this on occasion, but hey, it won't last for too long. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beniowa Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Oh that's just precious Daedalus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daedalus V2.0 Posted March 5, 2008 Author Share Posted March 5, 2008 Chapter 10: Witches Are Cool, Honey is Not. This chapter is back in the forest, this time with Abbey, the herbmistress Wigg and Celeste went to visit. She was out gathering herbs to replace the ones that were stolen and destroyed by the bad guys, and she's done fairly well if she does say so herself. She arrives home to find that someone is in her house! Oh no, it must be the evil people, come back to kill her! Well, she'd better investigate. She quietly enters the house and... Well, it was actually Wigg and Celeste. Wigg comments on how he hated banishing her, and makes note of the fact that he gave her a time enchantment (immortality magic, for those of you who aren't quite as immersed in this as me) as a parting gift. Oh, and they had lots of sex, too. Yep, picture Dumbledore. Having sex with an old, witch-like lady. Oh yeah. Anyways, things are a bit cool between them, due to the banishing and all, but Abbey decides to help with Celeste anyways. After a cursory examination, she come to a startling (and stupid) realization: it's not the magic's fault! It was the honey. You see, it turns out that the honey Celeste ate wasn't normal honey. Oh dear no. It was demon-poison honey, and is terribly toxic. Of course, the activation of the Forestallment made her faint, but it's the honey that's doing the real damage. They have to flush it out of her body right away. So, she grabs her Chart of Natural Opposites, Letters H-I, to find out what is the natural opposite of honey, which can then be used to destroy the honey infesting her body. Well, she needs "powdered tetturess" and "oil of hibernium: Leaf Only". Whatever those are. Ah, luckily she has some left in her depleted stores. So, they prepare to heal Celeste, but she's going to be very stronly effected. Wigg will need to use his powers to stabilize her and restrain her. They apply the natural opposites to the honey, and Wigg prepares his magic. Suddenly, Celeste wakes up. Wigg uses his powers, but her new magic is too strong and she reacts too fast- she manages to blow away half of the cottage before anyone can blink, before Wigg finally gets her under control. She appologizes for scattering the ashes of the front of Abbey's home across a three-mile area before falling into a more natural sleep. Well, since Abbey now no longer has a home, it makes a perfect excuse to recruit her to the Good Team. Luckily, her all-important books survived too! Joy! Oh, that's the end of part 1 of the book, which was Recollection. How on to part 2, Revelation! Be excited about this arbitrary designation of book sections! I command you! Chapter 11: Is Pretend-Rape Better or Worse Than Almost-Rape? This one is back on the demonslaver home base, in the POV of Wulfgar (doesn't his name make him sound like a viking? Wulfgar smash! Rar!), who is being held captive in Krassus' chambers. He has the obligatory background-showing flashback. What you need to know is that he was a smith who specialized in dealing with horses. I'm not sure exactly what he does, but the author states right out: specialized horse smith. So there you go. Anyways, Wulfgar's been living pretty comfortably here in the Citadel (the fortess on the home base island), with "sumptuous" meals, in a "sumptuously appointed room" and... oh hell, the Duke uses the word sumptuous 6 times in this chapter. Anyways, he's sitting in bed brooding about how horrible life is when Janus shows up and tosses some woman into the room. He encourages Wulfgar to sexually assault her, preferrably in the most evil way that he can think of. Wulfgar, being essentially a good person, declines to do so, but does gain her trust by feeding her half of the "sumptuous" meal he had waiting for him and consoling her while they sit out on his balcony looking in the direction that Eutracia supposedly is. Then, when they realize Janus is about to come back, he rips up her clothes a bit, has her scratch him badly, and pretends to be raping her when Janus shows up. He acts very evil, and then requests that she be given better food and clothing, as that would please him. Janus, completely buying the evil act, agrees. That's it for tonight. Regardless, I encourage you to debate the merits of almost-rape vs. pretend-rape while I'm gone. It should give me something interesting to read, at least. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danro Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Oh right, people literally die because their heart explodes. I don't mean a heart attack, I mean their hearts explode so thouroughly that blood sprays out of the gaping cavity in their chest. Is it an unfortunate side effect of loving everybody and their dog "more than life itself"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinDonner Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Ohhhh... kayyy. 1) Tristan fights a pirate king? 2) (still laughing about #1) 3) Oil of Hibernium - that's just shamrock juice, right? This is proving to be a sumptuous feast of tripe all right. Keep up the good work! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
diabloblanco18 Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Yep, picture Dumbledore. Having sex with an old, witch-like lady. Reading Goodkind has already inured me to this sort of horror. Zedd/Adie, anyone? So, she grabs her Chart of Natural Opposites, Letters H-I, to find out what is the natural opposite of honey, which can then be used to destroy the honey infesting her body. I'm now imagining honey as part of an elemental magic system. Then, when they realize Janus is about to come back, he rips up her clothes a bit, has her scratch him badly, and pretends to be raping her when Janus shows up. ... Um. Er. Is this the same thing as where you pretend to stab someone with a knife, only it's one of those plastic ones that gets pushed back into the hilt? 'Cause I can't think of any other explanation for this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Pita Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 lol. Extendo-erection diablo, you make me into a sick man. Good job. I'm normally a sick teen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daedalus V2.0 Posted March 6, 2008 Author Share Posted March 6, 2008 Um. Er. Is this the same thing as where you pretend to stab someone with a knife, only it's one of those plastic ones that gets pushed back into the hilt? 'Cause I can't think of any other explanation for this. Ever seen a soft-core porn movie? It's pretty much like that. Except from the way it's described, she still has most of her clothes on. He makes some sort of lie about how he's just getting started again with her. It's all pretty silly, of course, since there was no reason it was necessary for him to rape her in the first place. The only way something bad would happen to her is if he actually asked Janus to do it. Really, it was just an excuse to get her mostly naked and have her kiss him. Oh, woops. That was actually two of Wulfgar's chapters rolled into one. I'll just tell you when I get to the one I accidentally included there. Chapter 12: Grizelda, Wicked Witch of the North Apparently, the evil partial adept with Krassus is named Grizelda. Also, she's not really evil, she's just being coerced into working for the evil team. Except that she really seems to enjoy working for the evil team, and acts really evil. Well, this is all just going around in circles. Whay you need to know is that Tristan is captured aboard Krassus' ship, and is being held in a magical sleep, just in case of of his doomtastic Forestallments kicks in and causes him to wipe the slavers off the face of the earth. Looks like the bad guys anticipated the author's Deus Ex Machina reserves and countered them. Or did they... Chapter 13: More Death-Rays? This chapter is back at the Palace, with Wigg training Celeste in how to use her death-beam attacks. She blows up a few boulders (smashing them into pebbles and a few dust-sized chunks), before Wigg teaches her to control the bolts. Then she uses them like lasers, to chop a few rocks into pieces. Basically, her new powers make her rediculously effective in military engagements, what with the whole atomization and laser-shooting-fingers things. I can't wait until Tristan gets his even more effective and numerous powers... Abbey has been set up in the Palace, and the good team decides to get her to use her blaze-gazing abilities to find Tristan. The heroes all go to visit her, and find out if they can do it. Unfortunately, she lacks the herbs necessary to get the flame working, and so the heroes will need to find some way to find these herbs. Oh, and Faegan and Abbey get along very poorly, because Faegan seems to think that Abbey's abilities should be different or something. Their argument makes little sense. At this point, they have a discussion about what was going on at the docks in Far Point (we already know, and the two-page description just serves to make me think the Duke believes all of his readers to be incredibly dim-witted and uncomprehending. Hmm...). Blah blah blah, more useless exposition covering things we already know, gah. Anyways, everyone decides that Shailiha and Celeste will go to Shadowood via one of Faegan's portals to gather the herbs and such Abbey needs from Faegan's excellent collection. Chapter 14: Pretend Rape, for real this time Yeah, this is the chapter that I accidentally lumped in with chapter 11. Sorry folks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myshkin Posted March 6, 2008 Share Posted March 6, 2008 Anyways, everyone decides that Shailiha and Celeste will go to Shadowood via one of Faegan's portals to gather the herbs and such Abbey needs from Faegan's excellent collection. Aren't these people like the Royal family or something? Shouldn't they have servants for this kind of stuff? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Pita Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 Myshkin, Myshkin, Myshkin. You poor stupid David Bowie Avatar Lemming. This is Newcomb. Internal Logic isn't important to the plot, so why keep it there? Seriously. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daedalus V2.0 Posted March 8, 2008 Author Share Posted March 8, 2008 Aren't these people like the Royal family or something? Shouldn't they have servants for this kind of stuff? You want reasons? You really, really want reasons for what females want to do from the duke. Very well, I will supply you with your "reasons". "We want to go help Tristan! Send us over to the Minion armada so we can take over and look for Tristan!" "No! That's way too dangerous!" "But we love Tristan more than life itself and sitting here doing nothing to save him makes us feel bad. Pleeaase." "No, you are not going to the Minion fleet" "Fine, but since we feel so bad about Tristan being captured because we both love him more than life itself, can we do something at least?" "Sure, go visit Shadowood. We'll teleport you there. Give this list to Lionel the Little, so you can get herbs for Abbey." "Yay, we're doing something to help find Tristan, who we both love more than life itself, and felt terrible about not doing anything to help. Lets go visit Lionel the Little, so that we can help Tristan." Yes, that's pretty much how it's presented. Chapter 15: More Boats, Bigbad Gloats. We're back on the ship with Krassus. For no reason he decides to wake Tristan up from his magically-induced coma, completely ignoring all the good reasons not to. Tristan and Krassus get into an argument (no surprise there...), and Krassus decides to send him over to another ship, where he will be forced to row along with the slaves. Also, for the first time in the history of Tristan being captured, they don't let him keep his weapons. Oh my god, the bad guy is being sort of somewhat smartish. Well, not really, because he woke Tristan up and gave him access to his Deus Ex Machina reserves again. Chapter 16: OhmygodgnomesareunderattackandShailihaandCelestehavetohelpthem! Shailiha and Celeste show up at Tree Town (Gnomy city in Shadowood), with their list of herbs and stuff to give to Lionel the Little, who will find said herbs from Faegan's stores. Now they can help Tristan, who tey both love more than life itself and Celeste wants to have sex with. But, damn if Tree Town isn't under attack by demonslavers. Well, Shailiha and Celeste both recently took a couple of levels in badass, and proceed to charge and brutally murder the couple dozen demonslavers attacking the city, with Celeste providing fire support with her death-rays while Shailiha moves in and kills a couple of them with her sword. Then, one who survived the initial attack is captured. The duo try to question it, but it doesn't want to say anything. So, Shailiha goes and cuts the thing's head off with one swing of her short sword. (Now, forgive me if I'm wrong, but I though it was damned hard to cut something's head off. Like, so hard that people abandoned the headsman because even with an axe being swung by a rediculously muscular man it could take a couple of tries. Never, ever did I think it was possible for a 120 pound woman with no real experience with a sword who hasn't used one in years could do it with a freaking shortsword. Seriously, I am really annoyed at this.) So, the women go to find Lionel the Little, who tells them that the demonslavers already took all of Faegan's herbs and jumbled them together in a bunch of big bags. It might well take the rest of his life to unsort them, so there's really no hope of getting the herbs that Abbey needs. Well damn. Lionel, in a typical display of gnomes-are-only-here-for-comic-relief, manages to blow up half of the lab by burning a tiny bit of a randomly selected herb. Okay, that's the end of that chapter. Chapter 16: Wigg Has Sex With Abbey Yeah, basically nothing of importance happens in this chapter. Except, of course, for what I wrote in the title. Yep, sex between Wigg and the rediculouslt old witch. Gah. Chapter 18: Row, Row, Row Your Boat Whump!... Whump!... Whump!... Italicized whumping this time! Oh, I love the whumping! I love it so much... :sick: Tristan is on a ship. He's being forced to row, and he's very unhappy. Anyways, Tristan rows for a bit before... Well, something happens and he gets a chance to check in his boot. His trusty brain-hook is still there, as is some sort of parchment. Hmm... Well, anyways, the slavers notice this and get pissed off at him. Tristan acts very cocky, saying how he already killed like 5 of them, so the slaver whips him on the back a couple of times. Then the chapter ends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myshkin Posted March 8, 2008 Share Posted March 8, 2008 What the hell is a brain-hook? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gabriele Posted March 9, 2008 Share Posted March 9, 2008 Between this and the Goodkind thread I've killed too many braincells. I go back to drinking wine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daedalus V2.0 Posted March 9, 2008 Author Share Posted March 9, 2008 What the hell is a brain-hook? It's a little knifey hook which you insert into your own (or someone else's) ear, through the eardrum and use to hook onto and pull at the brain, killing yourself (or the other person) instantly. It was one of the Duke's mostest brilliantest ideas ever... est. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Pita Posted March 9, 2008 Share Posted March 9, 2008 This is becoming more like Dumb and Dumber and Dumberer and Dumbererer and etcetera. But I need a brainhook. I think it'll help me overcome the troubles of reading about the Duke umm... what excuse can I have... Oo! I know! It'll help me overcome the troubles of being a teen. Yep. teenagers are angsty and depressed. Newcomb has nothing to do with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Norseman Posted March 9, 2008 Share Posted March 9, 2008 I have to make a small correction here; headsmen were not ridiculously muscular, they generally had an average build, and their axes weren't that big either. If the axe was properly sharpened, and the headsman was qualified, and had some training, the head would come off with a single chop. It's really no different from someone chopping the head of a pigs carcass, if you got training and the right tools it goes quite well. If you look at the headsmen of the 19th Century, when it was a secure job done by trained professionals, you see very few botched executions. Indeed states that insisted on beheading by axe (such as Denmark and Norway) had far fewer problems than states that tried hanging or other more "humane" methods. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daedalus V2.0 Posted March 9, 2008 Author Share Posted March 9, 2008 I have to make a small correction here; headsmen were not ridiculously muscular, they generally had an average build, and their axes weren't that big either. If the axe was properly sharpened, and the headsman was qualified, and had some training, the head would come off with a single chop. It's really no different from someone chopping the head of a pigs carcass, if you got training and the right tools it goes quite well. If you look at the headsmen of the 19th Century, when it was a secure job done by trained professionals, you see very few botched executions. Indeed states that insisted on beheading by axe (such as Denmark and Norway) had far fewer problems than states that tried hanging or other more "humane" methods. Strange. I had always thought that there were many problems with beheading via axe or sword, problems which led to the development of the Guillotine. I remember my history teacher said that the Guillotine was developed as a more humane mothod of decapitation, because all other methods of execution up to that point were quite capable of either failing to kill the person or were cruel and painful. I suppose I just transposed that to mean that chopping someone's head off with an axe was fairly difficult. That said, do you really think "Princess Shailiha", with her "fencing training", petite build and extreme lack of experience with removing heads (or fighting with a sword at all, despite her ability to take on multiple highly-skilled opponents at once) could really do it with a shortsword, in one swing, with little to no effort? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Norseman Posted March 9, 2008 Share Posted March 9, 2008 Strange. I had always thought that there were many problems with beheading via axe or sword, problems which led to the development of the Guillotine. I remember my history teacher said that the Guillotine was developed as a more humane mothod of decapitation, because all other methods of execution up to that point were quite capable of either failing to kill the person or were cruel and painful. I suppose I just transposed that to mean that chopping someone's head off with an axe was fairly difficult. Note I didn't say that it wasn't difficult, I said you didn't need extreme amounts of physical force, though you should be a fully grown man. What you do need is good equipment and the right technique, when those are present the beheadings generally went quite well. The accounts of Danish and Norwegian executions (which are easiest for me to find) indicate that the wast majority were completed with one stroke. On the occasions that more than one stroke was necessary there were generally external circumstances; the headsman was drunk and/or lacked good footing. It should be noted that execution by axe remained in both Denmark and Norway untill the death penalty was abolished there. This despite both states being very humane. The guillotine is not the panacea that many people claim it is, if its not handled and set up properly the blade may jam, or be dulled, thus leading to a botched execution. What the guillotine does is ensure that if you have to execute a lot of people at once, or you can't find qualified headsmen, then you can still see the job through. So for a small number of executions the trained artisan, the headsman, is perfectly adequate. That said, do you really think "Princess Shailiha", with her "fencing training", petite build and extreme lack of experience with removing heads (or fighting with a sword at all, despite her ability to take on multiple highly-skilled opponents at once) could really do it with a shortsword, in one swing, with little to no effort? Of course not, it's just the pedant in me speaking That said a shortsword can be a fairly nasty chopping weapon, look at the gladius for instance, it's the stereotypical shortsword and yet it has a nasty chop. Indeed the 1830s French replica was nicknamed the cabbage chopper. That too is the pedant in me For that matter given that this world still uses armour why is she even trained to fence? I mean what's the purpose of fencing weapons if you don't have effective gunpowder weapons? The reason armour fell out of common use was precisely the rise of gunpowder weapons, and to some degree the increased level of urbanisation. Or is it bad form to try to make sense of this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gabriele Posted March 9, 2008 Share Posted March 9, 2008 Or is it bad form to try to make sense of this? It's not bad form, but it will get your brain tied in a knot sooner or later. You have some good points about skilled executioners with axe or sword. Sources from other countries show the same result - decapitation, if done by someone who knew his job, was more humane than hanging (which takes several minutes at least), garroting and whatever other means people came up with. Of course, sometimes a punishment was supposed to cause the victim pain, like crucifixation, drawing and quartering, or disembowelment. But a Keira Knightley sort of heroine couldn't lift a sword, let alone wield it. It takes muscles to do that, not skin and bones. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Pita Posted March 9, 2008 Share Posted March 9, 2008 Keira Knightley can do anything. *drool* Umm, Daedalus, my brain cells aren't getting dumber by themselves! I need a Duke fix! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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