Newcomb, Episode 3

[The Pita]

The Comb must do some strange lovin'.

GAH MENTAL IMAGE WHUMP WHUMP

We need some more of 29.

[MinDonner]

Hold on, hold on. What's all this "Comb" business? Give The Duke his proper title, he's earned it!

Otherwise, :bow: @ Daedelus. Keep up the good work sir!

[The Pita]

He is both a duke and a comb.

It can't be one without the other.

The Dukes of Combzard.

[The Greatjon]

The scene in the harbour reminds me of the Druchii from Warhammer, perhaps the Duke is trying to combine the Dark Eldar and the Druchii to create some kind of super-evil pirates, who will doubtless turn out to be an evil offshoot of another race.

[The Man Who]

I agree with 29 being the Duke's Dalton Campbell. I think it may be a corollary of the lots of orang utans = shakespeare role, but he is a marginally interesting character at this point.

Another corollary to pop up is that we share a very chequered reading history.

[The Pita]

If I knew what that meant I'd probably burst out laughing.

It's probably for the better.

In Soviet Russia, Newcomb mocks YOU.

[The Man Who]

That's a scary thought - what if everything Newcomb has done is a big joke at the expense of the paying public.

I can just imagine him cackliing as he puts stuff about blood deciding importance and other abhorrent ideas, as well as some strange politics and physics and characters which are blatantly cribbed from other books, and here's the best bit, not only has it got past his editors, people are actually buying this stuff.

[diabloblanco18]

people are actually buying this stuff.

I'm not so sure about that.

[Morcant]

I think 'The Dook' would be a more appropriate title than 'The Duke'. Thanks for reading this crap so that we don't have to. You deserve a pat on the back.

[Daedalus V2.0]

Sorry for the wait folks. Anyways, I'm back and have a few more chapters ready to go.

Chapter 8: Honeybees and Magical Death Rays

Wigg and Celeste are walking through the forest, on their way to visit the enigmatic herbmistress who Wigg refused to talk about earlier. He decided to do this both because he wanted to recruit the herbmistress to aid in the battle against Krassus, as well as the fact that he wanted some father-daughter time with Celeste, who he loves more than life itself. You know what, it's been a while, so maybe you've forgotten. Wigg loves Tristan, Shailiha and Celeste more than life itself. Celeste loves Tristan, Shailiha and Wigg more than life itself. Tristan loves... well, you get the picture. Everyone on the good team loves everybody else on the good team more than life itself. It's eternally annoying that these people all get along so well, and being reminded of it every few chapters just rubs salt in the wounds. Hmm... Back to the chapter. The Duke seems to have developed a bit of Jordan syndrome; he spends most of a page describing Celeste's clothing before anything actually happens. Anyways, at this point Wigg reveals that the Partial Adepts were banished (and banned) by the Directorate after the Sorceress' War, 300 years before, for no discernable reason. Wigg disagreed with the banishment, but wend ahead with it anyways. At this point, the duo notices that there is a bee hive nearby. Since Celeste has no idea what bees are and has never tasted honey before, Wigg decides to give her a bit of a lesson and proceeds to use magic to contain the bees, show her what the hive looks like, and then take a few big gobs of honey and feeds them to her. She thinks the honey is the most marvelous thing she's tasted in her entire life (oh, so those "sumptuous" meals you got every day at the Palace don't come close to comparing, eh?).

At this point, all hell breaks loose. Well, not really. A pair of bears show up on opposite ends of the clearing the travellers are in, at which point they proceed to attack. Normally, the bears would have no chance, but these are no normal bears- they're sabre-toothed bears, and they're here for the honey! Wigg manages to blow one in half with a wizardly fireball and turns- too late! The bear is just a few steps away, and he'll never get it in time! At this point, a powerful magical death ray shows up out of nowhere and disintegrates the bear. But who could have done it? Faegan's an unspecified significant distance away, and nobody else who can use magic would help the good guys... But lo and behold, it was Celeste! The deus ex machina button kicked in, and she activated her magical-death-ray-forestallment just in time to reduce a sabre-toothed bear to it's composite ions. At this point she blacks out, and Wigg grabs her body and begins running for the person he came to find in the first place.

Chapter 9: It's That Time Again, Folks!

Back with Tristan and friends at the city/town of Far Point, the group is trying to decide just how to get closer to the docks without being seen, so they can observe just what the "bleeders" (which are now revealed to be called demoslavers (yes, that is exactly how it's written in the book)) are doing. The group walks into an inn, and asks for three rooms for the night. The innkeeper, a seedy lout (note- in Eutracia all inkeepers are just like Thenardier from Les Miserables. Seriously, all of them are crooks at best!) horribly overcharges them for the rooms, and they head up. But Faegan never planned to use the rooms, and he has an infinite supply of gold, so what does it matter... Anyways, they head up to the roof of the inn, where they set up to observe the docks. There they see Krassus and his herbmistress overseeing an operation much like that which took place at the docks on the slavers' home base. Recently captured slaves are lined up and being tested to see if they are endowed or not. At this point, the heroes notice something odd... All of the slaves are young, between the age of 30 and 40, and most under the age of 35 (when did that become young? Eh, whatever...). No wonder the people around here have been acting so strangely around the twins! The slavers must be looking for Wulfgar and the Chosen Ones.

Well, time for the heroes to go back down and ride out of here on their horses. Unfortunately, at this point a group of demonslavers, led by that nasty inkeeper, jump out of the hatch onto the roof and charge at the heroes. Tristan kills the inkeep with a throwing knife before the group jumps off the roof and Faegan magically levitates them to ground level, where they mount up on the horses. Faegan's chair is smashed in the process. (I have one thing to say here. Faegan is crippled- he has no control of his legs. How the hell is he supposed to ride a normal horse using a normal saddle? Seriously, the Duke has stolen from enough books that actually acknowledged this problem, he should have no trouble realizing it himself. Bah...) Anyways, the heroes are about to escape using a magical bridge created by Faegan when Tristan's horse slips and breaks it's legs, throwing him. Faegan and Shailiha escape, but- say it with me- Tristan is captured! Again! Must have been that time of the book again...

That's it for this installment, friends. Join me again tomorrow for more fun-filled Dukey goodness.

[Shryke]

So, wait, is Tristan no longer in control of ANY of his country?

Also, can we get a quick recap of who everyone is?

I remember Wigg, Tristan and Shailia, who are the others?

[Morcant]

The deus ex machina button kicked in, and she activated her magical-death-ray-forestallment just in time to reduce a sabre-toothed bear to it's composite ions. At this point she blacks out,

They ALWAYS black out. Every fantasy book ever written where the character uses powerful magic involves blacking out of some kind. What is the deal with that?

[Daedalus V2.0]

So, wait, is Tristan no longer in control of ANY of his country?

Also, can we get a quick recap of who everyone is?

I remember Wigg, Tristan and Shailia, who are the others?

I refer thee to the previous threads, considering that thou hast forgotton several important characters. For ease of reading, here's a link to part 2.

As to the blacking out: Well, actually, it turns out that it has nothing to do with the magic. Or at least, not so much to do. It actually turns out that:

SPOILER: Read this only if you don't mind missing HUGE comedic impact in a future summary

The honey is totally demonic poison honey. No joke.

[The Pita]

GAH DAMMIT I RUINED COMEDY GOLD FOR MYSELF GAH.

SPOILER: What the fuck

What the fuck?

[MinDonner]

OK, I know this is a minor point compared to all the Duke's other "gems", but... sabre toothed bears, eating honey? Cos of course animals don't have diets related to their type of teeth, or anything. Maybe those bees are just REALLY VICIOUS.

[The Wolf Maid]

Hahahaha. Is that original, the spoiler tagged-item, I mean?

[Maid Sansa]

OK, I know this is a minor point compared to all the Duke's other "gems", but... sabre toothed bears, eating honey? Cos of course animals don't have diets related to their type of teeth, or anything. Maybe those bees are just REALLY VICIOUS.

But everyone knows that bears only eat honey! It's in every nursery rhyme FFS!

[Myshkin]

Wait, isn't Tristan like the Most Powerful Wizard To Ever Live? If so, how is it that a small group of non magical chumps can still kick his ass? And why is he still using knives to kill people?

[Daedalus V2.0]

Wait, isn't Tristan like the Most Powerful Wizard To Ever Live? If so, how is it that a small group of non magical chumps can still kick his ass? And why is he still using knives to kill people?

Why, it's simple. Nobody's gotten around to teaching him magic yet, and his bajillions of Forestallments have yet to kick in (se far as we know), so he makes due with his trusty knives and extendo-blade.

SPOILER: About the spoiler before

I bet you thought this was going to be a summary. Nope. Oh and,

Yes, the thing about the honey is absolutely how it goes in the book. You all expect it to be a result of the magic, but nope. It was the freaking demon-poison honey. It was among the biggest wallbanger moments I've felt since... well, since book 2.

Oh, and on a completely unrelated note,

SPOILER: I have to get this out, but it's kind of important to the plot

Tristan becomes a pirate later in the book, and developes a semi-romantic relationship with the captain of the pirate ship he's on. Seriously. Also, there's a pirate island, and he gets into a fight with the pirate king. I am so serious. It's like the Duke developed ADD when writing this book, it's just so weird. Oh right, people literally die because their heart explodes. I don't mean a heart attack, I mean their hearts explode so thouroughly that blood sprays out of the gaping cavity in their chest.

[Lord O' Bones]

Drizzt>Raistlin

It is known.

Well that's just silly. Maybe if Drizzt had some demon-poison-honey.

(who I am being told is Carmon, but it's probably different in the not god awful english version)>Wulfgar

I don't know. They're virtually the same guy, but Caramon is fairly simple.

Good gods DV2.0, how can you read this stuff? I mean like do you have to drink a Pepto Bismol and bourbon shake or something? My azure eyes are melting just reading your summaries.

Edit: Also, #29 was intially referenced as #28. Was that a typo or did the Duke change slaves or something?