Daedalus V2.0 Posted March 10, 2008 Author Share Posted March 10, 2008 Keira Knightley can do anything. *drool* Umm, Daedalus, my brain cells aren't getting dumber by themselves! I need a Duke fix! Sorry, you'll have to do without tonight. I promise you guys 4 chapters tomorrow to make up for my lapses, though. I am a bit behind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Pita Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 But make it with extra stupid. Like Tristan doing something. And something happens. And then the Duke makes money off of writing this crap. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real Will Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 I can't believe where all of this ended up going. While I am thankful, in so many ways, that I bailed out when I did, I have this sad little feeling--like I've missed out on an experience which would have not so much enriched my life, as... not enriched my life. I miss the good old days, the splitting headaches, the blinding rage, the faint taste of vomit at the back of my throat, and the overwhelming sense that, yes, there really was someone in the world that I was superior to in every way imaginable. I miss you Duke, and I will never forget you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Wolf Maid Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Nice to see you around again, Will! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real Will Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Nice to see you around again, Will! And it's nice to be around as well, Miss Maid. You think your clean, but every now and again you've just got to let yourself sink back into the muck. Remember folks, if anyone ever catches you wallowing in pig shit and giggling like a little girl, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Degradation is a perfectly normal part of the human experience and I choose to get mine from the likes of Goodkind and the Duke. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daedalus V2.0 Posted March 11, 2008 Author Share Posted March 11, 2008 Chapter 19: The Importance of Unimportance Yeah, nothing happens here. Shailiha and Celeste head back to the Redoubt. Lionel the Little= YET MORE GNOME COMEDY! I hate you, Duke. You made a whole race for comedic impact? Raagh! Chapter 20: Ohmygod, Orphans Have the Scroll! Yeah, the title says it all. These characters are so steriotypical they make me want to puke. Why the hell is Tammerland still anarchic (you remember, lines for prostitutes, but things have stabilized to the point that shopkeepers don't need hired thugs. ) Chapter 21: The Return of Deus Ex Machina! Tristan is on the slave ship, rowing when all of a sudden... It gets attacked by a group of ships. Tristan kills the slavers on the deck he's on using his brain hook (he uses it as intended- in through the ear, poke at the brain. The sword-equipped slaver fails miserably at defending against this.) Krassus and krew sacrifice two of the ships so that they can get away, but forget that Prince (Mr.) T is on one of those ships. Tristan grabs the slaver's sword and runs up the stairs to help the people attacking the slave ship. Remember guys, this is Deus Ex Machina working, so the people attacking are certainly nice and friendly. Chapter 22: Everything is Sumptuous! RAAGH! Serena, the woman Wulfgar spent some time pretend-raping a while back, is eating a Sumptuous meal in front of the other slaves, who get nothing. She thinks about how horrible it feels to be doing it, and how evil Janus is for forcing her to do it. After she finishes, Janus does something really, really evil (just in case we forgot he was on the Bad Team...), and Serena goes to visit Wulfgar. Wulfgar agrees that Janus isn;t a nice person, and Wulfgar and Serena act all in love and stuff. It's very wooden. Then they have sex, in Wulfgar's Sumptuous room, and Serena's Sumptuous Dress is removed. No description of the sex itself, as always. Oh, yes. I want to give you an idea of what the Duke's writing is like. Sumptuous, Sumptuous, Azure, Whump!... Whump!... Whump!... Sumptuous, Azure, The Craft, Tristan, Sumptuous, Azure, cubiculum, Blazegazer, The Tome, Azure, The Craft, Endowed. I hate this so much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gabriele Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 Reading this feels like someone's trying to poke my brain out with a hook. How does such brainwreck get published? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daedalus V2.0 Posted March 12, 2008 Author Share Posted March 12, 2008 Reading this feels like someone's trying to poke my brain out with a hook. How does such brainwreck get published? Simple. The author submits it to Del Rey, who realize the greatness of such novels and create huge marketing campaigns to sell them. See: The Sword of Truth. I've been meaning to say this for a while: I will post one more update tomorrow morning, after which I leave on a great journey, from which I will be able to post only intermittently. I understand that this may leave some of you feeling bereft, and believe me when I say that depriving you of your daily fix of brain-damage is not my intent, but the World waits for Noone, and I fear that I am not he. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord O' Bones Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 Sometimes a period of detox is a good thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Pita Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 I'D RATHER DIE THAN NOT HAVE DUKE COMB DUMBEN ME DOWN! *Tries stabbing self with brain hook* Umm... It doesn't fit through my ear, damnit. I guess I'll have to live and only choose death via Lemminghood. *sigh* Have fun on your journey, second version of a robot named Daedalus! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shryke Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 Reading this feels like someone's trying to poke my brain out with a hook. How does such brainwreck get published? They bought his first book for a HUGE sum and signed him to a many book contract. I believe 5th Sorceress sold ... ok. And all the others sold like crap AFAIK. Basically, they've already paid him, so their just trying to turn a profit on his shit. At least, AFAIK. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinDonner Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 Ah, the Duke is in the details. Cos brain-hooks aren't just a tool used by undertakers to pull the brain out (though the nose, IIRC, not the ear), they're an AWESOME WEAPON and you can pull out the brain of an attacker while he's trying to hit you with a sword!! Also, FWIW, execution by axe wasn't necessarily slow and painful so much as *inaccurate* - swinging a huge heavy weapon towards a small neck-shaped target is an inexact science, and often it took several hacks to hit the right spot, resulting in a brutal and painful death. For this reason, executed royals were often allowed to be executed by sword instead, as at least the blade is longer and less likely to miss. Hanging is extremely quick if you get the length of drop right, cos it snaps the neck rather than strangles. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danro Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 How does such brainwreck get published? I blame Tairy for conclusively proving that this kind of claptrap can be sold by the boatload. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Pita Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 Tairy didn't conclusively prove it. Paolini did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daedalus V2.0 Posted March 12, 2008 Author Share Posted March 12, 2008 Tairy didn't conclusively prove it. Paolini did. Erm, Paolini's first book (Eragon) was leaps and bounds ahead of anything the Yeard or the Duke wrote. Sure, Eldest was a steaming pile of self-insetion Mary-Sueism, random occurances and outright ripping off of better novels, but compared to TFS both of them are excellent literature, and compared to The Gates of Dawn... well, lets not compare anything to The Gates of Dawn. It is quite incomparable. (Okay, just for fun, compared to TGoD, ASoS is like something that God himself would write, descending from the heavens to show us the way.) A couple of summaries coming later today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
diabloblanco18 Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 Nor is Eragon as downright offensive as Tairy and the Duke often are. It's a childish book by a childish author, but at least there are no namble cocks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shryke Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 Nor is Eragon as downright offensive as Tairy and the Duke often are. It's a childish book by a childish author, but at least there are no namble cocks. Exactly. There's nothing horribly offensive about Paolini. It's just that all his books read like they were written by an 8th grader for a Creative Writing assignment. Banal, boring, and highly derivative. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gabriele Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 I blame Tairy for conclusively proving that this kind of claptrap can be sold by the boatload. So why do I take the time and try to write good books? I could have finished some crap long ago. But I don't want to see my name on books that result in topics like this and the Tairy threads. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serious Callers Only Posted March 12, 2008 Share Posted March 12, 2008 Standfast on your ethical pledge Gabriele! Let us stoically resist making money off the bad taste of others! *Must .... resist temptation to publish...* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Pita Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 You think if I titled a book The Experiences of Terret's Syndrome and make it just the word FUCK written 3 times, the word SHIT written once, and repeat those last two phases a couple of million times, I'll make a lot of money? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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