Radioactive mutants vs. Nazi Communists

[MinDonner]

Chapter Seven has the helicopters returning to their base near Chicago. Considering they apprehended our heroes somewhere over Montana, that's some impressive range they have. Of course, Chicago was flattened (and full of "cancer-ridden rats") so they had to build their base just outside. The fortress is called Fort Dobrynin (aww, a tribute to the guy who was the actual Soviet ambassador to the US at the time of publication), and its commander is General Pushkin. Literacy win, diplomacy fail?

These Chicago commies are less stupid than Killov, and keep Rock tightly shackled, as they've heard of his miraculous AMERICAN powers of escaping. He's worth a lot to them, in prestige and also money (which all Communists crave):

"So it is you, after all," the top commander of the fortress, General Pushkin said. "We weren't really sure they had captured you." He held a large wanted poster up next to Rockson's face with the words Wanted Dead Or Alive, 500,000 Rubles Reward written on it below a sketched drawing of Ted Rockson, and then looked again at the Doomsday Warrior. "Unmistakeable - the white streak down the middle of the head - the mismatched eyes - only one man could look like that."

"If I'd known I was so famous I'd have given an autograph party long ago," Rock said, spitting the words in the general's face.

Ha. He knows damn well how famous he is. I bet he's just pissed he didn't think of the autograph party sooner.

Ryder Stacy's stock of actual Russian names now being exhausted, the next guy we meet is Colonel Pastrok, whose job it is to interrogate Rock. This he assays by asking a couple of bland questions, making vague noises about how much he loves torture and then ordering the guards to take Rock away and lock him up for a while. Sadly this is not even the least competent interrogation we've seen so far, as no naked chicks are involved.

A short while later, Rock is dragged back off for some actual torture, which is described almost as lasciviously as the naked chicks would be. Of course, there's the gleeful sadist in the stained white smock who rubs his hands with joy at the thought of another victim, and says things like this:

"Now, what kind of pain would you like to begin with? An appetizer as it were or the main course?" the pale technician asked in a low voice. "Somehow I feel that tonight we should give you a demonstration of the full range of our - accessories."

Muahaha! Rock, however, is meditating himself into some kind of out-of-body experience, and besides, his mutant skin is unaffected by these pathetic puny devices:

The cuts had not reached his protected arterial and nervous system set inside the skin nearly half an inch deeper than the average Homo Sapien's.

But the pain is still intense! For some reason! Eventually the torturer gets bored with the whip, and brings out the "prod".

No, he doesn't do that with it. Rock just gets a few electric shocks and mutters "Mary had a little lamb" to himself, before taunting the torturer a bit (CUZ HE SO BADASS). Then the torturer nearly kills him by putting electricity right into his brain!

A Red Army officer puts a stop to this, belatedly remembering that actually they need to get some info out of Rock, rather than just torturing him for fun. They never even asked him any questions! And to this end, it would make rather more sense to just bring in the Mindbreaker from Book 2. Luckily this also doubles as a torture device:

"First they vaporise the skull bone itself, Mr Rockson. Then they rip into the brain tissue erasing all memories of loyalty - of friend or enemy. We know just the right sections to burn out. And it hurts. It hurts horribly. Or so I've been told." He laughed loudly and looked around at his two assistants who quickly joined in shrill, cackling sounds.

Nameless Torturer is about to switch the machine on... when the phone rings! Pastrok answers it angrily (don't you know we're in the middle of something here?) but! It's President Zhabnov! He has ordered that Rock be transferred to Washington immediately, and unharmed!

Well, didn't see that one coming. :wideeyed:

[Lord O' Bones]

They never even asked him any questions!

They don't want Ted, they're after some guy called... Skywalker.

[MinDonner]

Another update already? Well, the sooner I get this book finished, the sooner I can take a break and let Bones pick up the baton with some Mission: Earth snark (woohoo!)... but for now, brace up brace up, for Chapter Eight is another Zhabnov chapter. But short, and Rock is in it too.

Surprisingly, this time Zhabnov is not in bed with any young American virgins, he's actually at his desk and doing some work. Not in the Oval Office, just in the White House (the narration, at one point, refers to "the White House table", like there's only one). There is a portrait of JFK on the wall, clearly the commies have not yet bothered to redecorate. Zhabnov is trying to interrogate Rockson, with about as much success as everyone else who's tried so far.

Anyway, after about 2 questions, the phone rings, and it's Vassily. He wants Rock (and Archer, for some reason) flown over to Moscow RIGHT NOW. He wants to arrange a truce of some sort so the Red Army in America can be sent elsewhere to put down trouble in other parts of the world (as, in fact, we were pointlessly told in that earlier chapter).

Rock's "keen mutant ears" catch much of the conversation - either his Russian has improved greatly over the last couple of months, or the two Russians were speaking English in front of their enemy captive, or Ryder Stacy just forgot about the existence of other languages. And now for some reason he is intrigued by the possibilities of being sent to Russia, and starts enjoying himself tremendously.

Four pages, end of chapter. Phew!

[Lummel]

Another update already? Well, the sooner I get this book finished, the sooner I can take a break and let Bones pick up the baton with some Mission: Earth snark (woohoo!)...

Pah! M' Lord O' Bones is a self-declared fake pirate, HA! At the very thought that you could trust him to keep to his word...

Rock's "keen mutant ears" catch much of the conversation - either his Russian has improved greatly over the last couple of months, or the two Russians were speaking English in front of their enemy captive, or Ryder Stacy just forgot about the existence of other languages. And now for some reason he is intrigued by the possibilities of being sent to Russia, and starts enjoying himself tremendously.

(1) As everybody knows there is no such thing as the (so called) 'Russian' language - it's just an accent used by baddies on film and TV therefore Rock can obviously understand it perfectly. Plus he's a mutant.

(2) They used to make good ice cream in Russia, also they have Kvass and Kefir which are intriguing and tasty drinks and would cause Rock to enjoy himself tremendously - just as he would at a picnic with lashings of ginger beer.

[MinDonner]

Woe. For awesome as Rockson is, I fear he will never live up to the heights depths set by John Ringo. But, I soldier on. And believe me, there's some FABULOUS stupid yet to come.

Chapter Nine I may skip through, as it is subtitled "A day in the life of Ivan Kresky" and we all know how those go. Let's see...

Ivan lives an oppressed life in Petrograd, after a miserable childhood in Siberia that was curtailed when his vodka-sodden father kicked him out to go join the "migrating hordes" who roamed up and down the Volga. Again, this Volga, not only does it apparently run through Moscow, it also seems to straddle the whole of Siberia. Ivan spends some time musing on how unfair it is that 97% of the world's population live in poverty just to supply the top 3% of Russians with luxuries. Yeah, damn that communism and the vast wealth inequality it creates!

Suddenly Ivan joins up with a bunch of other poor people who are hungry and start demanding food. They start to angrily march on the city, overwhelming a car full of rich officers as they go! More and more oppressed workers join them! They storm the city and massacre the oppressors! Then some Red Army helicopters come over and kill them all.

...........erm. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that looked... rather like a commie uprising to me. If this isn't satire - and sadly I don't believe for a second that it is - this has probably been the clearest indication so far that Ryder Stacy has NOT THE SLIGHTEST IDEA what communism actually means. It's just the name for Team Evil!

But for now... yay popular uprisings by the underclass! :commie: It's not communism if the good guys do it! :commie: Strike down the undeserving rich until the streets run red with their blood! :commie:

[Jon AS]

...........erm. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that looked... rather like a commie uprising to me.

Yeah, at least Goodkind was consistent with his crazyness. You either follow the Dick or you're evil. Easy. Stacy on the other hand is grappling with a much more nuanced world, albeit one he clearly doesn't understand himself. At all.

What's up with Charlie Whiskers?

Didn't he die?

[Maithanet]

Suddenly Ivan joins up with a bunch of other poor people who are hungry and start demanding food. They start to angrily march on the city, overwhelming a car full of rich officers as they go! More and more oppressed workers join them! They storm the city and massacre the oppressors! Then some Red Army helicopters come over and kill them all.

...........erm. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that looked... rather like a commie uprising to me. If this isn't satire - and sadly I don't believe for a second that it is - this has probably been the clearest indication so far that Ryder Stacy has NOT THE SLIGHTEST IDEA what communism actually means. It's just the name for Team Evil!

Does this chapter clarify the date? Perhaps that was just a historical chapter set in 1917. If you look really carefully, you can probably notice the hints that Random Rioter #2 is actually Lenin, based on the subtle but clear descriptions of the man's appearance.

What's that you say? There were no Red Army helicopters in 1917? Cleary you have never been to Moscow-on-the-Volga.

[MinDonner]

Sorry Trisk, Charlie Whiskers is long gone, one of the Rock Squad took him out briefly (but messily) just before the bombs landed. But I'm sure there are plenty of equally thrilling Russian spies just waiting to be introduced.

But for now, Chapter Ten takes us on an exciting transatlantic plane ride. Rock, Archer and their guards are the only passengers, which suggests this should be some kind of military plane, but apparently there are still stewardesses - alas, all "bulky Russian women in drab gray suits and low black shoes with their stern potatolike faces."

The two freefighters are plied with tasty caviar spreads, sandwiches with the crusts cut off, and strong black coffee, so commie air travel does have some advantages over the capitalist variety. Archer soon dozes off on Rock's shoulder (aww!), leaving Our Hero free to ponder his predicament.

Apropos of nothing, Rock suddenly realises that the purpose of his capture is to help Vassily defeat Killov.

But two could play at that game, and Rockson was ace at no-rules poker.

Shortly he looks out of the window, and realises that they are in "goddamned space itself!" Nearly twenty miles up, he guesses, with his usual amazing powers of measurement - though in this case he is way off, as the guard confirms that it's closer to twenty eight. Yes. This is a plane that apparently does not need air density to fly in nor oxygen to burn its jet fuel, not to mention the matter of, you know, breathing. Archer now needs to go for a piss, so the guards issue him with magnetic shoes so he can get to the toilet in this zero-gravity environment... um yeah. Rockson "hears the toilet flush" but makes no mention of the globules of piss that are likely now floating round the cubicle.

The plane is also travelling at 7000 miles per hour, however, so the fact that the crew and passengers have yet to be pulped into a bloody soup by the g-forces should be enough to trump all the rest of this dubious physics.

Stacy does make one brief nod to reality by telling us that Rock is not afraid of the Russians' guns, because of the danger a bullet might go through the hull and kill them all from explosive decompression, but then goes on with a few pages of shite about how awesome Rock is at exercising in zero-g. Even the guards are impressed! :bang: And then half a page about how it's all the government's fault, and how he wished all governments would just disappear and leave "the people" behind.

Dodgy physics, dodgy politics... now it's time for some dodgy metaphysics. Rock suddenly remembers that the Glowers gave him psychic powers, and sits back to become one with the cosmos for a bit. He feels the gravitational pull of the planet "like a billion arms grabbing, pulling all solid objects into itself". Also the miserable ragged people of Europe and the soil which is (yes) actively trying to suck all the radioactive poison down into the core and neutralise it. Then he gets a warm glow from the nobility of humanity (except commies. And governments, presumably) and returns from his out-of-body experience, just in time to have a good laugh at the fact that Archer is hungry and stupid.

[MinDonner]

My keen mutant senses detect that interest may be waning in the continued adventures of Ted. BUT! Never fear! Just in time to revive everyone's flagging eyeballs, Chapter Eleven contains a hefty dose of both gratuitous commie wickedness and everyone's favourite, the bad porn. Let's get the wickedness out of the way first.

Rock and Archer are driven from Moscow airport into the city, along the banks of the mighty Volga, which is full of sewage and other garbage. Eww! Commies are filthy! And not only this - all along the bank are also CRUCIFIXES. But who is on them?

The guard leered. "Dissidents - you know, social revisionists, artists, hooligans, gypsies." He glanced out the window at the spread-eagled corpses. "No Americans today. That's unusual - for often the women brought from your country for breeding revolt and kill their masters. Then they are - well. There are none now, for this is a special occasion. You are the Premier's special guest. You and your foul friend - and there will be no executions of American women until after you leave."

Those commie bastards! Are they not satisfied with their own potato-faced women in their sensible shoes?

Anyway, they pass a mysterious "futuristic" dome structure whose purpose is "classified", according to the driver, who then also hints not-so-obliquely that it contains some top-secret hi-tech weaponry that enabled Russia to beat the Americans in the first place. Given that this was a hundred years ago, you'd think that maybe it's more of a historical site than one still of relevance, but Rock cunningly files the info away in his memory just in case. Secrecy FAIL. The driver should just have said it was the Commieball Stadium or something.

Through Red Square, past St Basil's with its "bizarre domed towers" and into the Kremlin, where Rahallah gives them vintage champagne and introduces them to Vassily. Vassily says they have important business to discuss, but first, hospitality!

What this means, of course, is CHICKS. Archer and Rock enjoy a sumptuous feast, then four young ladies ("none older than twenty") stroll in past the guards, wearing shimmering gossamer gowns, and say things like "We are here for your pleasure". "Why not?" says Rock to himself with a sly smile, conveniently ignoring everything he heard on the previous page about sex slavery, and the likely implications of women provided by Global Dictator to guests as part of the "hospitality". :bang: Nope, it's all good, cos "a man needs a woman as the lungs need air, the stomach food". And he's sure Kim would understand, and if not, she never needs to find out.

Rock picks the brunette, name of Svetlanya, and the other three go off with Archer. Svet, to her credit, puts on a good show of being well up for it:

"Oh - you are so - so much of a man." The touch of his organ seemed to drive her into a frenzy. She slid down his now unclothed flesh and took the rock-hard staff into her ruby lips. ... She moved up and down the spear of flesh, letting it go deep into her moist throat, writhing against him in shivers of uncontrollable passion.

Yes, sucking cock is really that exciting! Eventually Rock is moved to start doing some of the work himself, and there is much euphemistic nonsense about "wet treasures" and the plunging of manhoods. Meanwhile, the three other teenagers are administering to an excited Archer, who apparently has the largest male organ they had ever seen; once over their astonishment, they take turns "riding the steel-hard spear". Yay teenage prostitution!

Next day, however, brings us back to the tedious business of negotiations, though Rock does take a minute to remind us that actually he's not an elected official so is in no position to sign any treaties - these Russians can't comprehend that the strongest man is not necessarily the leader etc etc - cut back to Vassily, old and wheezing, yet not a hint of irony to be seen. I guess Stacy is as bored with the deliberations as we are, cos he skips over this in half a page and gets straight to the list of final terms, which are as follows:

1) Killov to be arrested

2) Zhabnov becomes Vice Prez, real Prez to be elected

3) No nukes or chemical weapons allowed anywhere in the world; biological weapons that attack humans only are still OK

4) America will be governed by an American police force (??)

5) Rock hands over the black-beam tech to the Russians, but they can't use them in the USSA

6) Food shipments to Russia will double

7) No attacks on Russians in America

8) Rockson to help negotiate with the Muslim fanatics

They all shake hands over these weird agreements, but then Vassily produces Secret Clause 9 - if the Americans fail at terms 1-8, then Russia can nuke the shit out of them if they like. Those dastardly commies!

Rock signs anyway, cos he has no intention of keeping the treaty anyway. And then more feasting and cossack dancing and roast boar and the like. Oy!

[Lummel]

My keen mutant senses detect that interest may be waning in the continued adventures of Ted. BUT! Never fear! Just in time to revive everyone's flagging eyeballs, Chapter Eleven contains a hefty dose of both gratuitous commie wickedness and everyone's favourite, the bad porn. Let's get the wickedness out of the way first.

Au contraire Madame Min! Although I confess because of the order we've been enjoying them in I'm a bit unsure what's happened to Rock and what's in his future, but on the other hand that really doesn't seem to matter very much.

• They drive the weirdest way to the Kremlin. You'd either go St Basils - Red Square - Kremlin (either over the Moscow river or along the road where the Hotel Rossiya stands) or directly to the Kremlin without passing go. Stacey's way you'd have to go in a loop past the Kremlin, through Red Square, down to St Basil's, turn round, go back through Red Square and then to the Kremlin.
• Am I alone in wondering if Rock has a mutant penis? And possibly mutantly flavoursome? Although obviously he is so much more awesome than us standard men that no doubt the girl's enjoyment was inevitable I suppose.
• Love the tour guide: yes on the right is our top secret base containing our most powerful weapons, the front door is heavily guarded, but the back door isn't, the back door key is kept under the doormat and the secret code to launch the self destruct sequence for the base is 1, 2, 3, 4 if this was any other writer I'd assume this was some kind of cunning trap...

Heh, heh. More wickedness.

[Jon AS]

My keen mutant senses detect that interest may be waning in the continued adventures of Ted. BUT! Never fear! Just in time to revive everyone's flagging eyeballs, Chapter Eleven contains a hefty dose of both gratuitous commie wickedness and everyone's favourite, the bad porn. Let's get the wickedness out of the way first.

Nonono, I'm still immensely interested, but I have to confess that I've lost track of the plot. It's almost as if the author is just stringing random scenes together, without plan or purpose.

[Darzin]

My keen mutant senses detect that interest may be waning in the continued adventures of Ted.

My interest is a;ways waxing for the Doomsday warrior its just there's only so many was to say Holy shit this sucks, or Stacy is a moron. Which are pretty much the only reactions I come up with. Though if we see the mutant cannibals that were hinted about I may post a smiley face.

[MinDonner]

Nonono, I'm still immensely interested, but I have to confess that I've lost track of the plot. It's almost as if the author is just stringing random scenes together, without plan or purpose.

Pfft, philistine. Take your staid notions of "plot" and "linear progression" and "character development" elsewhere, ser. This post-modern classic of avant-garde literature needs no such mundane trappings, instead choosing to deconstruct both politics and traditional narrative conventions, using a post-ironic "macho guy kicks commie ass and has lots of sex" motif.

Anyway, to the extent that there is a plot, it's basically "Rock gets into trouble, escapes, rinse, repeat". And Chapter Twelve brings us to the next exciting "escape" scenario.

"It's time, buddy," Rock said, tapping Archer on the shoulder. The big freefighter slowly awoke, looking up with a startled expression at Rockson. "We're going to, as they used to say, break out of this joint."

They quietly sneak through the corridors, quietly kicking down a door or two and quietly blowing up the plexiglass case in which Archer's crossbow had been locked. Why did the commies bring that all the way to Moscow anyway? Probably for the same reason that they pointed out the top-secret weapons installation and forgot to post any guards.

Now, how to get out of the building? They are very high up, and Rock briefly considers "making some sort of glider" (out of what??) but decides that Archer is too heavy for that to work. They will somehow have to get over to a different window, and there is no ledge!

Luckily, Archer manages to shoot some kind of electrical cable ("Made in USA", it says, so obviously it's quality workmanship) over to a gargoyle, and they are somehow able to climb along this and get back in through a different window, briefly pausing to beat up some guards and nick their clothes in the time-honoured fashion. Then they hide in a dustbin under some rubbish and wait for the garbage trucks to collect them, then jump out when the truck slows down at a corner. Easy peasy!

But what now?

Rock wanted to find the Satellite and Missile Control Center. He had an idea born of desperation and dependent on luck and surprise. Balls were the key to the whole thing.

Balls indeed. And once that's destroyed, he doubts that the Reds will have the know-how to put humpty-dumpty together again. (note: the building is shaped like an egg, so this is a particularly clever play on words. Suck it, haters!)

Suddenly and for some reason the streets are full of Reds hunting them down, even though the escape so far has been ridiculously easy and they could be anywhere in the city. Staying just a few blocks ahead of the pursuing troops, they find themselves in a dead end... but then some guy in robes and wraparound shades appears from a manhole and tells them to come in and hide!

They find themselves in some sewer lair with a bunch of small white-haired fellows in black robes, all holding strange instruments. And they all speak English and love America! But who are they?

"I be Yuri Goodman Chekhov and this," he continued, sweeping his hand over the men behind him, "be my proud people. The dissidents, they call us. We live down here, not too bright, and cool. These be the old subway system of this big bad city. We like America," he said animatedly. "You know any jazz musicians in your country? They still play in nightclubs over there? Do you like Coltrane? Do you have a sax?"

Yuri then demonstrates the power of the jazz clarinet, which can kill a mouse in its tracks at fifty paces, and apparently can do the same to Reds. Then there's another page or so of him talking about "groovy jam sessions" and generally how much they all dig jazz, while Rock gets more and more frustrated. He just wants to blow up some commies! But eventually he decides to let these strange jazz guys in on his cunning scheme, and luckily it turns out that they have loads of explosives that they will let him use!

Well, that was a stroke of luck.

[Jon AS]

Balls indeed. And once that's destroyed, he doubts that the Reds will have the know-how to put humpty-dumpty together again.

I can't quite figure out why they wouldn't be able to rebuild it. They did it once already, after all. Or is it like Sauron forging the One Ring, all the know-how of the Soviet Union now rests inside this building, either literally because it houses all the books, computers and microfilm capsules (this was written in the 80s, right?) as well as all the scientists of the country or in some weird metaphysical way that only Rock could hope to understand in one of his out-of-body experiences?

[MinDonner]

The Commies, I am led to believe, are more like the fallen Numenoreans of Gondor, whose glory days lie behind them, and who are more concerned with building monuments to past magnificence than inventing new stuff. Obviously the demands of running a rebellious global empire in no way inspires them to improve or maintain their hundred-year-old weapons tech. Apart from mindbreakers and Viagra and helicopters that can fly thousands of miles without refuelling and all the other new tech we've seen. Either way, Rock blowing up the egg-shaped building will be an AWESOME BLOW FOR FREEDOM. If he does indeed manage to do so, and Stacy doesn't get distracted by some boobs en route and forget all about it.

[MinDonner]

For an extra Sunday treat, I've turned part of the Rockson-Yuri dialogue into an Xtranormal movie - the setting is actually pretty accurate, as the Moscow Jazz Dissidents have turned their subway station into something resembling a candlelit 60s beat cafe. There's even a finger-snapping waitress in a black leotard who brings them coffee!

[MinDonner]

The dialogue in the video is transcribed exactly as written (apart from the bit where Rock explains his plan). Yes.

[Edda van Heefmstra Ruston]

Because they are too COMMUNIST to enjoy the glory of a red hot omelette.

[MinDonner]

Now, for those of you curious about the fate of Kim, I have an update. Finally got back my copy of American Rebellion from a mate who'd borrowed it (this was Book 6, if you recall, and our first outing with Rock - we're on Book 4 now) so was able to go and check if she got the slightest mention, which I may have missed first time round due to her non-appearance as an onscreen character.

Nope. Nada. Aside from one passing mention in a paragraph where Amnesiac Rock vaguely remembers a chick with blonde hair. I'd blame the amnesia on the whole thing, but he doesn't even seem to remember her when they get back to Century City either and find it nuked to shit. Not even with passing concern for an ex, or bittersweet memory of dead girlfriend - and not the slightest of hints that Rona is just the consolation prize. It's like Kim never even existed.

Now, a bit of meta-information may shed light on this. The other day we were looking up Ryder Stacy's alter egos, Ryder Syvertsen and Jan Stacy, and it turns out that Jan was only involved in books 1-4, then Syvertsen went it alone from book 5 onwards. My guess is that Jan was responsible for all the sex scenes (remember, all we really get in Book 6 is some Eva Braun shoe-licking), and Syvertsen just preferred redheads anyway so wrote Kim out altogether.

But Book 5 will, I'm sure, hold the key. As and when we eventually get there.....

[Lummel]

I imagined that Stacey and Ryder wrote in turns, trying to end on impossible cliffhangers that the other would have to write their way out of. Hmmm.

But then I also guess that Rock will return to America by riding on the shock waves of the explosion that destroys the secret communist base in central Moscow.