Crackpot (or not) theories you think are so nuts, they actually piss you off.

[ZacharyB]

5. Theon and Jeyne will end up in a relationship

I've never heard this one before. You mean Poole right, not Westerling? That's so strange.

One of my pet peeves is the whole "Bran did X because of warging/warged to X location since he's a superhero." Like, I see people thinking Bran was the hooded man in Winterfell? Wut?

[Alexia]

I've never heard this one before. You mean Poole right, not Westerling? That's so strange.

Yes, I mean Poole. I'm surprised you haven't seen it yet; it makes my skin crawl.

[ZacharyB]

Yes, I mean Poole. I'm surprised you haven't seen it yet; it makes my skin crawl.

First read I thought you meant Westerling and I was like "Why does that bother her so much that makes absolutely no sense in the first place" then I realized...oh. :lol:

But yeah, there are so many reasons why that shouldn't, couldn't, and wouldn't work. Plus there's the whole Theon having no...

Why would anyone want that? :ack:

[Hound's She-wolf]

Yes, I mean Poole. I'm surprised you haven't seen it yet; it makes my skin crawl.

I agree, makes my skin crawl.

[LadyoftheNorth72]

Oddly, the Theon/Jeyne P. thing does not bug me, although I am not sure I see it happening. But I would say both of them have been more or less ruined for conventional relationships due to the mutual and similar separate suffering they have had to endure, so they might be each other's best option. And as for Theon being, um, altered...that would probably be his most attractive feature to Jeyne. I doubt she ever wants anything to do with sex again.

[Hellebore]

This may have been mentioned but as soon as I saw this topic I had to post first and read others opinions on theories they hate or that pissed them off later..

I was reading a thread and somewhere it came up that there is a whole other thread on Jon Snow and Sansa hooking up.. and that there was a supposed thread of Jon/Sansa shippers .. :ack: is this really something anyone wants to see or thinks would really happen.. If in some alternate reality I was reading one of the upcoming 2 books and Jon got with Sansa ..I'm not sure what I would do first; puke, cry or throw the book across the room!!! I would stop reading and maybe not ever finish the series if this happened.. it's :bs:

[Buckwheat]

I agree with most of the things posted. Behind every cabbage leaf, you'll find a secret Targ, haha.

Oh, but you do! Remember when Gendry said to Arya when she said that her fother only ever loved her mother: "Then he must have founnd that bastard behind a cabbage leaf, right?" (paraphrasing).

[Howlin' Howland Reed]

Right, the notion that Targs grow on trees is ridiculous! You have to produce them!

[Sand Snake No. 9]

AA (smoke and salt) is a red herring

When I first read this, I thought Gillio really was referring to preserved fish. Sometimes my reading comprehension goes right out the window.

When I hear people say that maybe Sandor will be Ahor Ahai. Or Brienne.

I'm a proponent of the Brienne as AA theory, mostly because the theory amuses me (and she's got one flashy damn sword). I also think it would be a waste to introduce a Joan of Arc character (who's a descendant of Ser Duncan the Tall) only to have her aimlessly wander the countryside. She's also the only character in asoiaf who's truly in luuuurve, and if she plunges Oathkeeper into Jaime's heart, she'll get a twofer -- lion AND Nissa Nissa. (Although the AA prophecy doesn't require that Lightbringer be reforged, only that it be pull from a fire by the reborn hero.) I will, however, admit that this theory is crackpot from word one, but, dammit, it's MY crackpot.

Jeyne isn't jeyne and robb has a secret kid. Its just wish fulfillment.

This one takes the cheese. Like Sybelle Spicer wouldn't recognize her own daughter, or Sybelle would be willing to double cross Tywin Lannister after she's milked every possible favor out of the deal. Twyin Lannister. If he wants a Westerwoman to trick her daughter into drinking moon tea, what Westerwoman would refuse? They've all heard that damn song.

One pet peeve of mine: That under Petyr Baelish's careful tutelage, Sansa is going to turn into a second Littlefinger, become Queen of [fill in the blank] or Lady of Winterfell, marry Aegon or Harry, and still find time to have teh hot sex with Sandor. I think it's clear from the text that, by AFFC, all Sansa wants is to be left the hell alone, which makes her the most sensible character in the series, if not the most interesting one. It's obvious what Littlefinger wants from Sansa, and it's not competition for the title of evil genius.

Hate the Tyrion is a Targ theory, hate the Tyrion is a dragon rider theory more. Like these particular dragons are going to let someone strap a special saddle on them.

Even so, I believe there are a lot of (irrelevant) Targs in Westeros. Take this passage from The Mystery Knight:

Dunk had heard such talk before. Aegon the Unworthy had bedded half the maidens in the realm and fathered bastards on the lot of them, supposedly. Worse, the old king had legitimized them all upon his deathbed; the baseborn ones born of tavern wenches, whores, and shepherd girls, and the Great Bastards whose mothers had been highborn. "We'd all be bastard sons of old King Aegon if half these tales were true."

"And who's to say we're not?" Ser Maynard quipped.

Ser Maynard is Brynden Rivers, aka Bloodraven, one of the Great Bastards, wearing a glamour.

[Bastard Walder]

I just thought of something. What if the Miller's Wife's kids were actually Theon's instead of this enigmatic miller we're always hearing about.

[Sand Snake No. 9]

I just thought of something. What if the Miller's Wife's kids were actually Theon's instead of this enigmatic miller we're always hearing about.

For one terrible minute I wondered if the miller's wife could be Ramsay's mother -- but no, wrong fief. I hope.

[corbon]

By the way, is anyone reading through this thread and kind of cringing at the theories that you agree with that for some reason make people so furious? :lol:

Yes.

The Tyrion = Targ theory. I personally give it 30% or less odds, so its not like I agree with it as being likely. But people hating it and complaining about 'wish-fulfillment'? Well, they are having issues with their own 'not-wish-fulfillment'. There is a significant amount of evidence setting up the possibility of Tyrion=Targ. And the 'it destroys the relationships' people are neglecting that it just changes the relationship dynamics entirely. The relationship is still exactly what it was, just the implications, both during and after, are what change.

For me, the two that piss me off is the "Crastor's sons are the others" theory and the 'no fight at ToJ/Arthur Dayne is alive' theory.

Really, its clearly just ignorance and fear speaking when the wife screams out the sons are coming. No way the others raise or transform little human babies into something else entirely. The others are the others and don't have symbiotic relationship with humanity.

And ToJ is a beautifully set up classic storybook confrontation, reversed. The three brave heroes defending their baby king despite all hope being lost when the not-really-evil uncle and his henchmen ride up outnumbering them better than 2-1. Then the magnificent last stand, but they actually lose, just. Then the beautiful young queen dies in her beloved brother's arms, leaving the newborn king to be raised in secret, his heritage lost. In other stories they'd have won, and the babe would have been raised in secret away from his family and come back in 16-20 years at the head of an army (ala Aegon), or in secret to confront and destroy the evil Usurper.

Edit:

Also, i hateeeee the whole syrio-jaqen theory, is there any evidence at all?

Ahh, forgot this one, so that's three that irritate me.

No, none. It doesn't work on facts, timing, or literary principles. But Syrio was cool, and that is enough.

Four if you count the 'Rhaegar-the-douche is to blame for everything'.

[Brandon Baratheon.]

I'm not gonna lie but at first i kinda thought tyrion was a targ but now ive read ive changed my mind.

Also, i hateeeee the whole syrio-jaqen theory, is there any evidence at all?

[Skeksi]

Everyone is a secret Targaryen! Every. Last. One. Seriously- we have Dany, we have Aegon, and possibly Jon, if R+L=J turns out to be true. Surely there doesn't need to be more?

Jon is the true heir to the throne. There are several issues I have with this. Let's start with the pedantic:

- The Targs were risen against, killed/ exiled and stripped of power in Westeros. Robert Baratheon became King, and Tommen is currently the king. Any Targs after the throne are going to have to rebel like all the others, or have someone rise up in their name. As it stands, Myrcella is the true heir to the Iron Throne, being Tommen's closest living relative. If you agree that his throne is based on the assumption that he is Baratheon, and if this was universally acknowledged as untrue, then the heir is Stannis (as he claims), followed by his children.

- Putting that pendantry aside, assume that one or more Targaryens lay claim to the throne, and base it on the actual line of succession, rather than, oh, I don't know, one of them having dragons? Assume also that R+L=J is true. Most probably, this would make Jon a bastard, meaning he's not technically in line for anything, and even if "He's got Targ blood, he'll have to do" comes into play, he'll still come after Aegon and Dany in the line of succession. There's loads of people assuming that R+L were married, which puzzles me- OK, so Rhaegar stole away with this woman, and found a septon who didn't mind a bit of polygamy? Or one who had never heard of the royal family to know that Rhaegar was married? Yeah. OK. Fine. Let's work with this for just a minute: Even if this is true, is Aegon not still the elder of the two, and thus before Jon in line, anyway?

- Jon has been turning down offers of lordships and/or sexy women for a while now, because of his vows. If he survives the stabbing attempt, he will still be bound by them, and he's shown already that he's not planning on abandoning his post. If he dies and comes back somehow, then yes, maybe that would absolve him of his vows, but how is that going to happen, exactly?

I don't know, it just kind of seems like some people are pushing it so that Jon ends up being "the rightful heir to the throne from humble roots", which is a massive fantasy cliche.

Sandor/Sansa- not really a crackpot theory, I can see where the evidence comes from, I get why people see it as a realistic outcome, and, if I squint really, really, REALLY hard, I guess I can see why people like it, given that it's Sansa. But I just really, really don't like the idea.

Large scale shipping in general. I don't object to a bit of romance here or there, but sometimes it goes to extremes. Not every character needs to be paired off by the end of the books. Nor do we need an epilogue telling us how the characters we know all got together with other characters that we know and made babies and were happy. A relationship is not the only way to a happy ending.

[Ororo727 Jon Snow Fangirl]

Let's see...there are so many.

Ned is still alive

Everyone is a warg/skin-changer

Everyone is a secret Targaryen

Everyone is a secret Targaryen warg

Sandor and Sansa, The Love Story.

Jon and Arya or Jon and Sansa as a couple.

Jon must be Rhaegar and Lyanna's child because Maester Aemon gave Jon the Targaryen steel sword Longclaw.

Last but not least, the most stupid crackpot theory that I have ever read: Melisandre is Jon's mother.

[St. Pelagius]

I think its the number of theories that piss me off more than any specific theory.  There are times when I browsing the forums, and all I can picture is the Scrotty McBoogerballs episode of South Park.  

I'm a big fan of a cigar just being a cigar. ETA shipping baffles the shit out of me, regardless of who's being shipped.

[Dragonfish]

- Putting that pendantry aside, assume that one or more Targaryens lay claim to the throne, and base it on the actual line of succession, rather than, oh, I don't know, one of them having dragons? Assume also that R+L=J is true. Most probably, this would make Jon a bastard, meaning he's not technically in line for anything, and even if "He's got Targ blood, he'll have to do" comes into play, he'll still come after Aegon and Dany in the line of succession. There's loads of people assuming that R+L were married, which puzzles me- OK, so Rhaegar stole away with this woman, and found a septon who didn't mind a bit of polygamy? Or one who had never heard of the royal family to know that Rhaegar was married? Yeah. OK. Fine. Let's work with this for just a minute: Even if this is true, is Aegon not still the elder of the two, and thus before Jon in line, anyway?

A couple points:

1) Rhaegar and Lyanna didn't need a septon, if they opted for a northern gods ceremony. All they needed was a heart tree, and maybe a witness (who could have been someone Rhaegar trusted, like Ser Arthur Dayne).

2) If Aegon is the real deal, then yes, he'd still be ahead of Jon in the line of succession, regardless of whether or not he was born legitimate. However, if Aegon is not the real deal, and Jon is legitimate, then he would technically be first in line for the throne, according to the Targaryen succession rules.

There are also other arguments in favor of the theory that Jon was born legitimate, but I just wanted to respond to a couple of your "issues" that I felt were simple to be addressed.

I don't know, it just kind of seems like some people are pushing it so that Jon ends up being "the rightful heir to the throne from humble roots", which is a massive fantasy cliche.

Some might support the theory because of this, but not all do. Personally, I don't really care who ends up on the Iron Throne. I just think that the evidence is pretty good that Jon was born legitimate.

[Queen Cersei I]

I pretty much love all crackpot theories... especially those involving Darkstar and/ or Varys's true identity.

I enjoy all crackpot theories... the worse, the better, honestly.

[Bastard Walder]

Jon Snow is Melisandre's mother.

[brashcandy]

Jon Snow is Melisandre's mother.

That doesn't piss me off. It scares the living daylights out of me. :eek: