The 'If ASoIaF Characters were sensible' thread (spoilers, naturally)

[Buckwheat]

(from the show)

Jon: So, Ygritte, can I am not gonna kill you 'cause I can't, and your blabbering annoys the hell out of me, and I have really no idea where we're heading, so I suppose I should just let you free, call my wolf and have him help me find Qhorin and the others.

Ygritte: Okay, bye. Had a nice time with you.

[Toccs]

Anybody at all - Hey Roose, sorry to interrupt, but could you speak up a bit.

[The Butler of Tarth]

Robert: Let me tell you a secret, Ned. More than once, I have dreamed of giving up the crown. Take ship for the Free Cities with my horse and my hammer, spend my time warring and whoring, that’s what I was made for. The sellsword king, how the singers would love me. What do you say, Ned? Just you and me, two vagabond knights on the road, our swords at our sides and the gods know what in front of us, and maybe a farmer’s daughter or a tavern wench to warm our beds

Eddard: Bob, you've had a lot of dumb ideas in your life but this one is FREAKING AWESOME!

Robert: I know, right? Let me just disown that little shit Joff.

Eddard: I'll go pack my stuff.

*A month later in the Golden Company recruitment office*

Griff: Well met guys! Welcome aboard! What did you say your names were?

[Eternally_Theirs]

Petyr: So, Sansa, these are my plans.

Sansa: *smiles and nods* Okay.

*Next morning*

Petyr: What the? They're gone! They're both gone!

*somewhere in the wild*

Sansa: So, cousin, we escaped the death that was around us, we saved our necks. So where do we go next? To the Wall, of course!

Roberth Arryn: You betcha. I knew there was something wrong with all of them!

*they arrive at the wall and remain there till ripe old age*

[Sir Cortnay Penrose]

Have we had this one yet?

Lyanna: Promise me, Ned...

Ned: All right, but I'll tell Catelyn the truth; I owe her that. And the child when he's old enough.

Or

Embarrassed Northman: Terribly sorry to intrude, Your Grace, but there's a raven from Winterfell.

Robb: More bad news, I suppose. (Reads letter). Hey! Maester Luwin says the bodies are almost certainly not Bran and Rickon! My brothers are alive! Get me some paper, I need to write to my mother, and Jon, and Ser Rodrik. (To Jeyne) Forgive me, my lady, I was carried away. I will always remember that kiss, but I am betrothed elsewhere. I would never have forgiven myself if we had gone too far, and endangered your honour, or my own.

[Stannis Eats No Peaches]

Hodor: Hodor hodor HODOR!

Ned: You think that I shouldn't go south and that I should tell Jon and Cat about Jon's parents? You're a genius! Why didn't I think of that?

Howland Reed: I told y-

Ned: SHUT UP FROGMAN!

[Ser Sweets]

Stannis: Hold on, what? Melisandre, are you genuinely suggesting that I sacrifice my brother's bastard son, an innocent child, for the sake of killing my enemies? I mean, even if that would work, which goes against my beliefs, and even if I could live with myself for it, which I couldn't, do you really think the realm would be loyal to a King who won the throne via sorcery and the slaying of innocents?

Melisandre: There is power in King's blood--.

Stannis: Fuck that. The booty ain't worth it. You're obviously evil.

[The Last Martell]

Cersei: Joff, send that traitor Ned Stark to the Wall. He's an awful shit.

Joffrey: Mom, you idiot. How dare you talk about my father's best friend like that. The dude was obviously drugged and coerced by Littlefinger. I think I'll forgive him and let him return to Winterfell as long as he lets me keep my throne.

Cersei: And what the hell will stop him from revealing...uh - I mean, um...

Joffrey: Idk what you're talking about, but you do realize my betrothed will kept here and Ned knows that if he does anything stupid that we have his daughter.

Cersei: ...

Sansa: Oh my kind, merciful prince, thank you! You should also know that Grand Maester Pycelle was feeding my father excess Milk of the Poppy to try and drug and/or kill him.

Joffrey: F**k that old fool. Ser Ilyn, bring me Pycelle's head!

Sansa: Don't forget about Littlefinger! God knows what he might do to you if we don't stop him now.

Joffrey: Yeah, I want his head too.

Somwhere in the dungeons...

Ned: Omg, I'm going to get out of here untouched. I'm going to remain the Lord of Winterfell, Warden of the North, etc, AND on top of that I'm going to be grandfather to a king! YAY!

[Ser Sweets]

Cersei: Joff, send that traitor Ned Stark to the Wall. He's an awful shit.

Joffrey: Mom, you idiot. How dare you talk about my father's best friend like that. The dude was obviously drugged and coerced by Littlefinger. I think I'll forgive him and let him return to Winterfell as long as he lets me keep my throne.

Cersei: And what the hell will stop him from revealing...uh - I mean, um...

Joffrey: Idk what you're talking about, but you do realize my betrothed will kept here and Ned knows that if he does anything stupid that we have his daughter.

Cersei: ...

Sansa: Oh my kind, merciful prince, thank you! You should also know that Grand Maester Pycelle was feeding my father excess Milk of the Poppy to try and drug and/or kill him.

Joffrey: F**k that old fool. Ser Ilyn, bring me Pycelle's head!

Sansa: Don't forget about Littlefinger! God knows what he might do to you if we don't stop him now.

Joffrey: Yeah, I want his head too.

Somwhere in the dungeons...

Ned: Omg, I'm going to get out of here untouched. I'm going to remain the Lord of Winterfell, Warden of the North, etc, AND on top of that I'm going to be grandfather to a king! YAY!

Oh. ): If only Joffrey were Tommen. ):

[Dacie]

Renly and Eddard in Kings Landing:

Renly: Ned, Bob's as good as dead. Let's take off before these Lannsiter assholes kill us all.

Ned: Good plan. I'll call Stan and have him meet us on Dragonstone. Then we can work out the whole succession thing.

Renly: Cool. I'd never usurp my bro. He's the only family I've got left.

[Chirios]

Balon: We'll sail and attack the North

Theon: How??

Balon: Eh?

Theon: Wasn't our fleet destroyed really recently? Also, where are we getting the manpower to do this?

Balon: Err... We rule in the Old Way!

Theon: Yeah but we still have to follow the conservation of energy, so we can't just blink things into existence. Seriously, how do we have the ships and people to launch a full scale invasion of a landmass equivalent in size to Scandinavia? Also, where are we getting the money to do this from? Basic medieval economics combined with the size of our islands means that we should be having trouble feeding ourselves, let alone equipping a large invasion force.

Balon: ...

Theon: Also, even presuming we can magic the money, the men, and the ships into existence somehow, how in the name of all that is good and holy is attacking the North a good idea? Robb has Tywin on the defensive; Renly has an army larger than all of ours put together. Even if we are planning on betraying the Starks, surely reaving the Westerlands would be better, at which point Renly can take Kings Landing, we can kneel to him and combine our forces against the Starks.

Balon: ...

Theon: You haven't really thought this through have you?

[Eternally_Theirs]

*during Theon's takeover of Winterfell*

Bran: Come down with you? How? I am a cripple. Just find someone else. For all I care, you can leave Winterfell and find some other place to conquer, I suggest the Twins, there's weak old man ruling over there. He killed my family and your brothers by adoption. There, right there, is your prey, uncle Theon.

Theon: Yeah, you're right. how come I didn't think of that? *turns around* men, we conquer the Twins!

*two weeks later*

Walder: Please, have mercy.....

Theon: Mercy, old man? The same mercy you did show to Robb and Catelyn Stark? Okay. *pierces his chest* Bran Stark sends his regards. There. You had your mercy. And I avoided terrible fate of myself getting flayed. Guess it's all good.

[Natalie_S]

Oh. ): If only Joffrey were Tommen. ):

PYCELLE: Ned Stark should be allowed to take the black.

TOMMEN: Yes, take the black. And a kitten to keep you company.

[Toccs]

Balon - No man gives me a crown, I pay the iron price.

Theon - You do realize that Robb is not "giving" you a crown, you would be winning your crown and independence from the Iron Throne so you would be paying the iron price just like Robb.

Balon - You know what, you're absolutely right. Plus the Wetserlands are going to provide much more plunder then anywhere in the North, boy I don't know what I was thinking when I came up with that plan. Any other suggestions . . .son?

Theon - Well my life was flashing before my eyes when I was crossing that rickety old bridge to get here, maybe we should get those replaced asap, before someone falls to their death.

Balon - Consider it done. You know son, this could be the start of a new era for the Ironborn.

[Ramsay Gimp]

Ser Jorah: Khaleesi, leave this city to the slavers. Your place is in Westeros. Demand some tribute and then let's hop on some ships and go

Dany: OK!

[Stag's Fury]

PYCELLE: Ned Stark should be allowed to take the black. TOMMEN: Yes, take the black. And a kitten to keep you company.

No not Ser Pounce! He deserves better than that!

[Natalie_S]

He can have Boots, it's the only kitten who was not knighted or a noble.

[sungsta]

1) Rhaegar, after winning the tourney at Harrenhal

Rhaegar: This crown rightly belongs to you, Elia my wife

2) Rhaegar & Lyanna

Rhaegar: Come with me, my love

Lyanna: Sure, but at least let me leave a message for my family. They should know why I'm leaving with you.

3) Brandon Stark, on hearing about Lyanna's abduction

Brandon: I'm gonna kill Rhaegar!

Elbert Arryn: You saw what happened at Harrenhal. We should at least entertain the possibility that Lyanna might have left of her own accord.

4) Brandon Stark, at the gates of King's Landing

Brandon: I would like to request an audience with Prince Rhaegar

Guard: He's not here, Milord.

5) Robert Baratheon, wedding night, whilst in bed with Cersei

Robert "Oh Cersei"

6) Jaime & Cersei, Winterfell, inside the tower

Jaime: I need to have you now!

Cersei: We better close the shutters first. Wouldn't want anyone to see!

[Orrin Storm]

Kings Landing, A Game of Thrones

Ned: Good thing I thought to send this raven to Jon about his mother before I execute my coup. Wouldn't want to leave him hanging or anything like that should this all go south.

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Winterfell, A Game of Thrones

Catelyn: It should have been you.

Jon: Why because I'm the one that climbs all the time around here?

Catelyn: I'm sorry, I'm just taking out my lack of sleep and frustration on you. You're actually not that bad, Snow.

Jon: Gee, thanks Mrs. Stark.

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Riverrun, A Clash of Kings

Rob: Theon, I love you like a brother. Please bring us your fathers ships. The Iron Islands can be free, I just want the cold hard North my family has ruled for thousands of years

Theon: Ok, Stark

time passes...

Theon: So he's cool with backing up our own kingdom. He just wants the lands his mother and father come from, the rest is ours!

Balon: Damn, he left out the Westerlands? Gold must not be his color. Sounds good, where does he want our ships?

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The Wall, A Dance with Dragons

Mel: Hey Jon, people are going to want to do you harm soon...

Jon: Oh, I figured. That's why I have Dolorous Ed, Grenn, and a few other trusted friends as my personal guard until winter blows over.

[Jolene Brown]

Jaime is sitting on the Iron Throne. Ned Stark rides up to him. Jaime: "Hey, you must be wondering why I killed the king, despite my oath. It was just that he was planning to blow up the entire city with wildfire to leave Robert nothing but ashes and since I knew from his previous actions that he was a psycho who would really do it, I felt like I didn't have any choice but to kill him to stop it." Ned: "Oh, I was hoping you'd explain yourself."

Jaime and Brynden Tully are treating outside Riverrun. Brynden: "Do you have my nieces." Jaime: "No, unfortunately I was captured by a group of psychopaths who cut off my hand and threatened to rape my protector and by the time I recovered from almost dying enough to be returned to King's Landing by Roose Bolton for some nefarious reason fo his own, they were gone. I have sent the most loyal and trustworthy woman I've ever met to look for Sansa to try to keep her safe and protect her from my psycho sister though. Hey, what a bitch! How did I never notice that before?" Brynden, "I still hate your guts, but thanks for at least trying to come up with a good excuse instead of making dumb quips."