TED ROCKSON: ULTIMATE AMERICAN (Barbarian Snark #6)

[lacuna]

Michael Jackson?

[MisterOJ]

Dan Quayle. Has to be Dan Quayle.

[MinDonner]

Keep the guesses coming, but we won't get to either of them for another four chapters or so, so in the meantime I'll press on, because that sky is not gonna describe itself.

As the stars winked out like dying lightbulbs and the sun rose from its nightbed throwing its red cape off onto the snows of the Colorado peaks, the team descended into the wood valley.

You know what? That might be the least shit sky-description we've had to date. Could Stacy be... improving? I dread to think.

Anyway, we are again informed that this is November, but I've totally lost track of what time of year it was beforehand; I guess in the world of 2089 AD then all months got jumbled up by the nukes somehow. The days are pretty short now apparently (gogo Stacy getting a detail right!) and they will be even shorter if Rock'n'co end up at the Arctic Circle! The Science, it keeps on comin'.

Rock is back on good ol' Snorter, but Stacy now seems to have used up all his creativity for this chapter, as the description of the 'brids seems somewhat... familiar...

Their massive sinewy legs churned away like steam engines, as their mouths, gaping wide, sucked in oxygen to fuel their bodies.

From 2012:

Their thick powerful legs churned away like locomotive wheels, as their mouths opened wide, sucking in oxygen to fuel their bodies.

Yyyeeeahhh.

Anyway, there are some warm desert winds coming up from Arizona, but then the wind shifts and it gets cold again, and "a light frost" falls on the dark green grass, because Stacy, unlike the Eskimo of legend, apparently doesn't even have ONE word for snow, much less fifty.

Archer sees some moose. Archer wants to hunt some moose but is not allowed to, and is crestfallen. And now a quick biology lesson about the mutated moose of the future, which are now nocturnal and have slit pupils like a cat's, and taste delicious. What the hell is going on? Why don't these moose have a taste for blood and technicolour fur and mutant fangs?? Why aren't they trying to attack the Rock Squad with their majestic antlers? I am disappoint. :crying:

Yeah, that's the entirety of chapter 4. But the moose adventures are not quite over yet!

[Maithanet]

Keep the guesses coming, but we won't get to either of them for another four chapters or so

Bob Ross? Is he considered a great painter in the 21st Century?

Glad Snorter is back! I wonder if his breath is still whale shaped? Perhaps we'll find out next chapter.

[lacuna]

Norman Rockwell, has to be. Mostly because he's the only American painter I know the name of offhand apart from the two three Maithanet mentioned.

[Maithanet]

I have not been reading these closely enough as I'd missed that there was a character named Snorter with whale-shaped breath. Of course there is.

Well, I refer you to page 18 of thread 2, where we got this gem about Eisenhower the hybrid horse:

Gathering its strength, the 'brid snorted a whale-like puff of smoke through its steaming nostrils

[MinDonner]

Trisk, so far, is closest with Kinkade, but as yet no cigar. Yes, that's the calibre of "artist" we're talking about.

[lacuna]

The Artist Formerly Known As Prince?

[MinDonner]

:lol: Well, we might get some purple rain I suppose

[Larry of the Lawn]

Frederic Remington? And whatever happened to the pony-express subplot?

[MinDonner]

The Pony Express, I fear, has been forgotten as swiftly as every other plot device that Stacy doesn't need any more, from Australians to Mindbreakers to the Black Beam Weaponry (which I'm guessing has been retired without fanfare once the authors realised that the use of superweapons would cut short a potentially-lucrative 23-book series somewhat prematurely). But fear not! I am certain that whatever replaces it will be equally stupid.

Chapter Five, in any case, opens with the sighting of yet another moose. But what's this? Immediately the moose EXPLODES! (it was hit by a rocket).

"Russians!" Rock yelled, knowing that no American would do such a thing - waste an animal like that for fun.

<_< - actually I'm choosing to believe in this case that Stacy is a closet animal-rights activist, casting veiled aspersions on how UnAmerican his countrymen are for these barbaric practices. And now I'm probably on some kind of government watchlist for googling "grenade launchers for sale" :lol:

Anyways, a truck full of drunken Russians turns up, they're roaming through the Rockies with vodka bottles in their hands or in their mouths (?), blowing the crap out of moose for fun. KGB Blackshirts! There are also a bunch on bikes and some more in armoured half-tracks, and for some reason they all get out of their vehicles and try and grab bits of exploded moose "as souvenirs to take back to Mother Russia".

"Look, Nivski," the leader smiled, a major by his insignia. "I will mount this eight-prong horn over my fireplace in Murmansk."

Yes, I'm sure there are no moose in the Murmansk region, so that would be impressive and exotic indeed. The lieutenant, however, despite having "a half-empty bottle glued to his lips", still manages to inform us that probably no-one's going back to Murmansk, cos they have "grown used to lax discipline now that Killov is gone", so they might as well have some fun here in the USSA before the radiation or the Red Army kills them. Wait, hasn't Killov only been gone for a few weeks? If that?

I feel almost sympathetic towards the Russians here; like the orchestra on the Titanic, they know they are going to die pretty soon so are just going out and having some nihilistic fun before the end, all laughing and joking with their comrades. So of course, it's at this point that the Rock Squad decide to attack. Usual battle ensues, full of the same old weaponry, hilarious grue and baffling similes that we've come to know and love. Some excerpts:

Many of the Reds choked on their own blood before they even stopped laughing.

...Chen unleashed his weapons. They spun through the air one after another like homing pigeons of death.

Bullets chipped away at the rotten wood, threatening to bury themselves in his flesh, but he lay flat as a pancake.

The arrow, a good four feet of steel with a serrated tip, sliced through the belly of one, and, since his comrade was right behind him, it entered him too - skewering the two of them as they fell forward together.

Interspersed among this are more examples of Rock's ambiguous command of the Russian language and Stacy's ambiguous attitude towards military hierarchy. The presence of the major is apparently a cause for concern, as it means the unruly mob of drunken Reds now has a competent commander which will make them harder to kill - this in stark contrast with most other portrayals of the top brass, who are usually pompous and useless. Major speaks in "quick colloquial Russian with a Ukrainian inflection", which Rock is able to understand and appreciate, and yet when Major tries to surrender, Rock only knows this because he recognises the word "Mir". CAN YOU SPEAK RUSSIAN OR NOT, ROCKSON? FFS! Also, the Lieutenant is described as "insubordinate", cos he talks with great familiarity to the major (ZOMG!), which is extra stupid considering whatever the hell passes for hierarchy back in CC.

"Mir", anyway, and Rock captures the major and the few remaining commies, then takes their weapons and food away and leaves them to try and survive in the wilderness. This is intended as a punishment more cruel than just shooting them outright; I invite you to compare this to Rock's (identical) treatment of all the freed starving slaves in the slave camps. I'm actually more and more shocked about that the further I get through these books, especially considering all that we now know about CC and everywhere else; I mean I guess it fits in with the theme of "all you need is FREEDUMZ" but damn, that's no way to liberate a country, by rescuing your countrymen and then just leaving them to go forage in the snow while you head home for some nice hydroponic lobster.

McCaughlin gathers the best moose-steaks from the butchered moose (I'm hoping he wiped off all the bits of dead commie that would have gotten all mixed up during the battle), then Rock sneakily sprinkles the rest of the meat with "arovalis juice" which will give the Major'n'friends violent nightmares if they try to eat it. Fuck, um, yeah?

[Rorshach]

CAN YOU SPEAK RUSSIAN OR NOT, ROCKSON? FFS!

I think the solution here is really simple. He had this language expert tagging along, no? So he has a telepathic link to him during the fight, getting translations live. However, towards the end, there was a mix-up in the telepatic lines, probably owing to some maintnance back in CC (Rath's doing, no doubt) and Rockson has to fall back on his somewhat more limited knowledge.

Of course, none of this should be described on-page, that would just be bad writing.

[Lord_Baelish]

Where can I buy a homing pigeon of death?

[SkynJay]

Where can I buy a homing pigeon of death?

PM me and have small gemstones under thevststue in the park by midnight.

[Edda van Heefmstra Ruston]

OH MY GOD. There are audio productions. Did you know this? I didn't know this.

http://ga.dev.schawelcoles.com/doomsday-warrior-8-american-glory.html Listen to the sample. LISTEN TO IT. (It's the vine scene from book 8. The scene from book 9 is even more ridiculous - it is the moose scene Min mentions above. Do moose even have paws??)

ETA: AP - it really is appalling, isn't it?

[Antonius Pius]

It's also a bit sad (and dicsconcerting) to hear Stacy's parody of literature read out so seriously. And even more offensive towards all the stereotypes affected.

[MinDonner]

Oh god. I actually can't wait to get home so I can give those a try. See? I'm not just making this shit up, it is real! SEE?!

[Edda van Heefmstra Ruston]

Oh god. I actually can't wait to get home so I can give those a try. See? I'm not just making this shit up, it is real! SEE?!

Not that I ever doubted you, but now I appreciate even more the hardships you endure for us.

BTW, I snuck-read ahead and found out who the artist is. I can only hope that Stacy was inspired by this particular quote (names and titles redacted).

Note that Alloway here is the curator at the Guggenheim Museum in New York. This quote is from

Life, 27 Aug 1965.

"[The art] is in heroic bad taste," Alloway says. "It's incredibly vulgar, it's weird, but it's still gorgeous. Bad-taste entertainment is the best entertainment. What I really love about [Artist] is that [they are] so commercial.

Can I do nested spoilers? More about the artist - still no name.

There's a movie being released soon about this artist, too. It's fate!

[Maithanet]

"Russians!" Rock yelled, knowing that no American would do such a thing - waste an animal like that for fun.

Honestly Stacy, have you BEEN to America? Killing animals for fun replaced baseball as the national pastime in the mid-80s.

And now I'm probably on some kind of government watchlist for googling "grenade launchers for sale" :lol:

Maybe you Brits have to worry about this kind of thing. Here in America, it is considered suspicious not to order assorted small arms through the internet.

armoured half-tracks

So, did the Rock Squad bring along some sort of anti-tank cannon and they just failed to mention it? Or should I assume that by "armored" they mean "combustible"?

McCaughlin gathers the best moose-steaks from the butchered moose (I'm hoping he wiped off all the bits of dead commie that would have gotten all mixed up during the battle), then Rock sneakily sprinkles the rest of the meat with "arovalis juice" which will give the Major'n'friends violent nightmares if they try to eat it. Fuck, um, yeah?

:ack: Quick rundown of war crimes committed in this chapter:

Rock Squad:

- Mistreatment of Prisoners of War.

- Complete failure to medically treat the wounded (or should we seriously assume there are no wounded? Come on.)

- Chemical warfare for the purposes of torture. Or for no purpose at all? Not really clear.

Soviets:

* cricket cricket *

[MinDonner]

Hey, they blew up an AMERICAN MOOSE. That's practically genocide!