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MinDonner

GOODKIND IX - Killer Queen

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Sssh, Man, women always have orgasms in TG's world. First time out and all.

This is true. One of the signs of a great hero in TG's (BBNC) world is being possessed of great sexual prowess, to the point the Kahlan nearly orgasms right in her travelling pants at the mere sight of Richard in his black war wizards outfit.

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Mad Moose

First off, thanks for bringing joy to my workdays with your QOTD quest. Secondly – please accept my sincere admiration for having endured these scriptures of mental malignancy; you must either be stark raving mad or possess a willpower rivalled only the fine individuals of the waste disposal community. Finally; I dare say I speak for countless people here when I suggest you being responsible for shortening our life spans with at least a decade – you have caused me and my loved ones much grief.

Now to my question. I can’t remember if it was ever mentioned how Richard and Kahlan met? I started following these threads somewhere in GOODKIND III, and have yet to summon the strength required to tread the pastures of Moral Celery in which the first two lay. Where they already a couple in the first book, or was there a touching moment when they first laid eyes and things upon each other?

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It's my sad duty to confirm to you all, that indeed, Phantom tops the NYT bestseller's list this week :uhoh:

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--Baeraad

Now, if you excuse me, I'm going to go and take a shower. A long one. I just made excuses for Goodkind; I will never feel clean again.

Go for it. I'm sure we all feel soiled by your post. Well done though.

--Algiz

You're welcome. My insanity is matched only by my intestinal fortitude. As for shortening your life, well, if the QotD takes a decade off, its probably the last decade, which is a mad rambling shitting in your adult diapers decade. So you're welcome again.

As for your question about Richard and Kahlan:

They met in book one, Richard is roaming around the woods trying to find clues about his fathers murder when he comes across Kahlan who is being persued by a "Quad", which is four D'Haran soldiers set out to rape and kill Confessors. This is the first time Kahlan escapes being raped, and the first time Richard kills anyone. Its a big day.

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Ser Viktor ... the notion of having unbridled sex in a confessional with a leather bound redhead, who knows)

Oh, now you have me intrigued. I've never been in a confessional; is that what goes on there? I like redheads. Time to become Catholic.

This is the basis for all complaints about Goodkind's characters being one-dimensional. They are one-dimensional, but only in the same way as the characters in a fable - none of them are actually people, but rather incarnations of specific traits in people. Compare Stephen Donaldson's The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant the Unbeliever, and you'll see what I mean.

B: you do a good job of building an argument, and it almost works. In fact, it makes GK (BBHN) sound vaguely more compelling than I know he really is.

But it falls down because GK (BBHN) is so insistent that he has developed true, deep characters -- and that other fantasy writers don't do that. That's essentially the opposite of your argument.

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Goodkind keeps dissing fantasy, but he hasn't read any :rolleyes: What would he know?

Bazzlebane, catholics have more fun, it is known. :P

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As for your question about Richard and Kahlan:

They met in book one, Richard is roaming around the woods trying to find clues about his fathers murder when he comes across Kahlan who is being persued by a "Quad", which is four D'Haran soldiers set out to rape and kill Confessors. This is the first time Kahlan escapes being raped, and the first time Richard kills anyone. Its a big day.

Wasn't this subject of the very first QOTD written by the now elusive MME?

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Missed out a lot today, so playing catch-up.

Maid Sansa has achieved a state of legend on the board for the creation of the Queen Victoria/Terry Goodkind mash-up. It borders on perfection, with MinDonner's snapping right on its heels.

Goodkind's map is pretty legendary for being poor, but I've seen worse. What is lame is the way some guy was treated on one of the GK message boards after saying he was making his own map based on the books (since apparently some stuff takes place in the Old World off the border of the map) and was immediately flamed into the ground for his insolence.

I think MME is in rehab for a while. Wouldn't be surprised if we didn't hear from him (?) for a while whilst he de-Goodkindizes himself.

Baeraad, good effort. I've seen some defences like this in the past but, as has been said, it is let down by the fact that 'true' GK fans do not support the initial suppositions (that Richard and Kahlan are sub-dimensional archetypes, that the worldbuilding is poor etc), meaning that attempts to critically assess the series with all sides joining in are doomed from the start. It's like trying to fairly talk about WoT with someone who thinks CoT is a great piece of literature. It just isn't going to work.

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I think MME is in rehab for a while. Wouldn't be surprised if we didn't hear from him (?) for a while whilst he de-Goodkindizes himself.

Umm, MME is all over General Chatter today. Note that he has a different name, in order to celebrate Italian victory in the World Cup.

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Yes, dammit, I'm working, and these threads are moving at breakneck speed. With my full-time work and other chores, I have no chance of keeping up, and have an obsessive need to read every single post. Like Steven Tyler, I don't want to miss a thing.

I feel ready for more bouts of Goodkind sporking, though. Going away tomorrow to the summer cabin, no internet connection, but I'll take with me the SoT and take advantage of any summer squalls.

Bitches, be true this day.

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...He spent 150 hours on the map's border? The map itself needed more work on it!

It's my sad duty to confirm to you all, that indeed, Phantom tops the NYT bestseller's list this week

This is sad news indeed.

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But it falls down because GK (BBHN) is so insistent that he has developed true, deep characters -- and that other fantasy writers don't do that. That's essentially the opposite of your argument.

Dear lord. The man is actually resisting attempts to defend his work.

Oh, well, back to the drawing board to try to work out some kind of rhetoric to prove that Goodkind's characters are not in fact one-dimensional, propaganda-spewing sock puppets. Hoo boy...

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Things have started to slow down in the thread, the night shift should be coming in soon, and I just happened to think about a bit from Pillars of Creation that Niamh (?) reminded me of a while back. We haven’t had any QotD’s from Pillars, the book is pointless other than to introduce the pristinely ungifted, but it does have some comedy value. So there’s this guy named Oba, he’s a bastard son of Darken Rahl, and kind of an idiot. His mom is a nasty bitch and, to make things more interesting, he also hears voices in his head. This scene picks up with Oba working in his mom’s barn the night after murdering a local sorceress to whom his mother had sent him to get a tonic for her. What will Oba do when his mom gets really bitchy at him? Let’s find out in today’s Terry Goodkind Quote of the Day Double Whammy! (I gotta say, I find this bit pretty funny)

“Oba the oaf,†said his mother as she strode into the barn. “Standing around, doing nothing, thinking nothing, worth nothing. That’s you, isn’t it? Oba the oaf?â€

She glided to a stop, her mean little mouth all puckered up as she peered down her nose at him.

<snip>

With her critical gaze locked on him, his mother held out a coin. She held it between her thumb and first finger, not simply to convey the coin itself, but its importance.

“Look at it,†she commanded, dropping the coin into his hand.

Oba held it out to the light of the doorway, scrutinizing it with care. He knew she expected him to find something – what, he didn’t know. He turned it over as he cautiously stole a glance at her. He carefully inspected the other side, but still saw nothing out of the ordinary.

“Yes, Mama?â€

“Notice anything unusual about it, Oba?â€

“No, Mama.â€

“It doesn’t have a scratch along the edge.â€

Oba puzzled that over for a moment, then looked again at the coin, this time carefully inspecting the edge.

“No, Mama.â€

“That’s the coin you gave back to me.â€

Oba nodded, having no reason to doubt her. “Yes, Mama. The coin you gave me for Lathea. But I told you, Lathea died in the fire, so I couldn’t buy your medicine. That’s why I gave you your coin back.â€

Her hot glare was murderous, but her voice was arrestingly cool and collected. “It isn’t the same coin, Oba.â€

Oba grinned. “Sure it is, Mama.â€

“The coin I gave you had a mark on the edge. A mark I put there.â€

<snip, Oba’s mind races>

“But, Mama…are you sure/ Maybe you only thought you marked the coin. Maybe you forgot.â€

She slowly shook her head. “No. I marked it so that if you spent it on drinking or on women I would know because I could go look for it if I had to, and see what you had done.â€

The conniving bitch. She didn’t even trust her own son. What kind of mother was she, anyway?

What proof did she have other than a missing, tiny scratch on the edge of a coin? None. The woman was a lunatic.

“But, Mama, you must be wrong. I don’t have any money – you know I don’t. Where would I get a different coin?â€

“That’s what I’d like to know.†Her eyes were frightening. He could hardly breathe under their blistering scrutiny. Her voice, though, remained composed. “I told you to buy medicine with that money.â€

“How could I? Lathea died. I gave you your coin back.â€

She looked so broad and powerful standing there before him, like an avenging spirit in the flesh come to speak for the dead. Maybe Lathea’s spirit had returned to tell on him. He hadn’t considered that possibility. That would be just like the troublesome sorceress. She was sneaky. This might be just what she had done, intent on denying him his importance, his due prestige.

“Do you know why I named you ‘Oba’?â€

“No, Mama.â€

“It’s an ancient D’Haran name. Did you know that, Oba?â€

“No, Mama.†His curiosity got the best of him. “What does it mean?â€

“It means two things. Servant, and king. I named you ‘Oba’, hoping you might someday be a king, and if not, then you would at least be a servant of the Creator. Fools are rarely made kings. You will never be a king. That was just a silly dream of a new mother. That leaves ‘servant’. Who do you serve, Oba?â€

Oba knew very well who he served. In so doing, he had become invincible. <he serves the voices in his head FYI>

“Where did you get this coin, Oba?â€

<snip, this goes on and on. Suffice to say, Mama catches Oba in his little fib>

“Well, I…â€

“Well I what, Oba? Well I what, you filthy bastard boy? You worthless lazy lying bastard boy. You wretched, scheming, vile bastard boy, Oba Schalk.â€

Oba’s eyes turned up. He was right, she had him fixed in her deadly glare.

But he had become invincible.

“Oba Rahl.†He said.

She didn’t flinch. He realized then that she had been goading him into admitting he knew. It was all part of her scheme. That name, Rahl, screamed out how he had come to know it, betraying everything to his mother. Oba stood frozen, his mind in a wild state of turmoil, like a rat with a foot on his tail.

“The spirits curse me,’ she said under her breath, “I should have done what Lathea always told me. I should have spared us all. You killed her. You loathsome bastard. You contemptible lying-“

Quick as a fox, Oba whipped the shovel around, putting all his weight and strength behind the swing. The steel shovel rang like a bell against her skull.

She dropped like a sack of grain pushed out of the loft – whump.

Oba rapidly retreated a step,, fearful she might skitter toward him, spiderlike, and with her mean little mouth bit him on the ankle. He was positive that she was fully capable of it. The conniving bitch.

Lightning quick, he darted forward and whacked her again with the shovel, right on the same place on her broad forehead, then retreated out of range of her teeth, before she could bit him like a spider. He often thought of her as a spider. A black widow.

The ring of steel on skull hung in the otherwise still air of the barn, slowly, slowly, slowly dying away. Silence, like a heavy shroud, settled around him.

Oba stood poised, shovel cocked back over his shoulder, ready to swing again. He watched her carefully. Nearly clear, pinkish fluid leaked from both her ears, out across the frozen muck.

In a frenzy of fear and rage, he ran forward and swung the shovel at her head, over and over. The ringing blows of steel on bone echoed around the barn, creating one long clangorous din. The rats, watching with their little black rat eyes, scurried for their holes.

Oba staggered back, gasping for air after the violent effort of silencing her. He panted as he watched her still form sprawled atop the mound of frozen muck. Her arms were spread out wide to each side, as if asking for a hug. The sneaky bitch. She might be up to something. Trying to make amends, probably. Offering a hug, as if that could make up for the times he’d spent in the pen.

Her face looked different. She had an odd expression. He tiptoed closer for a look. Her skull was all misshapen, like a ripe melon broken on the ground.

This was so new that he couldn’t gather his thoughts.

Mama, her melon head, all broke open.

For good measure, he whacked her three more times, quick as he could, then retreated to a safe distance, shovel at the ready, should she suddenly spring up to start yelling at him. That would be just like her. Sneaky. The woman was a lunatic.

The barn remained silent. He saw his breath puffing out in the cold air. No breath came from his mother. Her chest was still. The crimson pool around her head oozed down the muck mound. Some of the holes he’d chopped filled with the runny contents of her curious melon head all broken open on the ground.

Oba began to feel more confident, then, that his mother was not going to say hateful things to him anymore. His mother, not being too smart, had probably gone along with Lathea’s nagging, and had been talked into hating him, her only son. The two women had ruled his life. He had been nothing but the helpless servant of the two harpies.

Fortunately, he had finally become invincible and had rescued himself from them both.

“Do you want to know who I serve, Mama? I serve the voice that made me invincible. The voice that rid me of you!â€

His mother had nothing more to say. At long last, she had nothing more to say.

Then, Oba grinned.

He pulled out his knife. He was a new man. A man who pursued intellectual interests when they arose. He thought he should have a look at what other odd and curious things might be found inside his lunatic mother.

Oba like to learn new things.

~Terry Goodkind, The Pillars Of Creation

Oba was the most interesting character this series has produced, sadly, he doesn’t last too long.

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Just a question, there is something I don't understand.

She gives his son a coin with a mark, the coin has to be used to buy something from Lathea who is witch. The mother marks the coin to know if Oba has spend it in drinks or whoring. Wouldn't it be more practical just to ask Lathea if Oba had bought what she had send him to buy? Because the alternative would be:

“No. I marked it so that if you spent it on drinking or on women I would know because I could go look for it if I had to, and see what you had done.â€

She would have to go to the tavern and ask them to show all the coins they have and then repeat the process in the brothel.

It doesn't make much sense to me, it must be my lack of moral celery.

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Oh for fuck sake -- TG (BBHN) uses " - whump" in an action scene? And Oba is off to "pursue intellectual interests"?

And for his name -- so Oba can mean either "king" or "servant" in ancient Terryspeak. What kind of language would have one single word mean both KING and SERVANT? Smurf? Maybe if the two meanings were from two different languages...but this borders on retarded.

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Oh for fuck sake -- TG (BBHN) uses " - whump" in an action scene? And Oba is off to "pursue intellectual interests"?

Well, the chapter is written from Oba's POV, so it's Oba who is claiming to be pursuing intellectual interests. Oba is full of himself in a funny and whacky way. I think that's why I find him so amusing. He hears voices in his head that tell him he's invincible, but he keeps claiming that its his mother who is the lunatic. His descriptions of the "melon head" crack me up.

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And for his name -- so Oba can mean either "king" or "servant" in ancient Terryspeak. What kind of language would have one single word mean both KING and SERVANT? Smurf? Maybe if the two meanings were from two different languages...but this borders on retarded.

Maybe it's a formal word and the D'Harans had other words for 'king' and 'servant' as well, or that it means that the king also serves the realm, or something.

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A true king should serve. That's probably one of the very few sensible things in the whole of that bloody book.

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A true king should serve. That's probably one of the very few sensible things in the whole of that bloody book.

Oba also teaches us that its good to learn new things.

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The conniving bitch. She didn’t even trust her own son. What kind of mother was she, anyway?

What proof did she have other than a missing, tiny scratch on the edge of a coin? None. The woman was a lunatic.

:lol: I have a feeling if Goodkind wrote an entire novel from the perspective of a mentally ill dullard it would make alot more sense.

Quick as a fox, Oba whipped the shovel around, putting all his weight and strength behind the swing. The steel shovel rang like a bell against her skull.

She dropped like a sack of grain pushed out of the loft – whump.

Oba rapidly retreated a step,, fearful she might skitter toward him, spiderlike, and with her mean little mouth bit him on the ankle. He was positive that she was fully capable of it. The conniving bitch.

Lightning quick, he darted forward and whacked her again with the shovel, right on the same place on her broad forehead, then retreated out of range of her teeth, before she could bit him like a spider. He often thought of her as a spider. A black widow.

Alright, maybe not. Dude just can't write. Go easy on the animal metaphors, Terry.

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