Barbarian snark DOOMSDAY WARRIOR: American Glory!

[Antonius Pius]

In the Domesday future the journey to the corner shop for a pint of milk and something for lunch will become an epic adventure...

A coke and a piece if applepie, surely? Not that it really matters. Anyone but Rock and the postmen will be dead within an hour of leaving Century City.

(Century of what, I'm frankly dying to know. Well, figuratively speaking anyway.)

[MinDonner]

We have, in fact, been given an explanation for CC's name. Apparently, when constructing it, the troglodytic builders vowed that they would defeat the commies, even if it took a century (no, I didn't say that this explanation made any sense whatsoever). I like to speculate that it was originally called "Decade City" and then gradually got renamed as the years went on and the inhabitants realised that their cunning plan of constructing meeting chambers and museums and panoramic restaurants was perhaps not the most efficient means of removing evil Russian overlords.

But back to Jed and Eisenhower. Galloping along beneath the silvery moon, Jed thinks Freedomtastic thoughts about how grand it is to be just him and a horse riding with the wind in his hair and the tumbleweeds a-blowin and suchlike, for a good page or so, until Eisenhower gets thirsty and they have to stop. Now, these post-apocalyptic horses have always been referred to as "'brids", with no explanation given as to what they are hybrids of, but now I suspect there may be some dog in the mix, as Eisenhower starts licking Jed's face to indicate how hungry he is.

Ooh, also some stats! They have been galloping for "hours", at a steady 35mph, so let's say that this halfway water-break comes in at around 100 miles from CC. This suggests that, rather than the regular 3-mile runs that we thought Jed was taking, and which would be slightly more plausible from a horse-endurance perspective, actually he only needs to work 5 times a year to clock up his 10k. And possibly that Stacy knows considerably less about the actual Pony Express than he thinks he does, if he's trying to posit a system where one fat guy on the same horse can cover hundreds of miles in a single day.

But onwards, for there be monsters. Jed hears a growl, and then we meet our Ridiculous Monster of the Day, in the flesh:

He'd seen everything in his years of riding the Express - saber-toothed mountain lions as big as bears, snakes with wings, packs of rats that stretched off to the horizon. But he'd never seen a mutation like this. It had no face - or rather, it was all mouth. A row of jagged spiked teeth stretched from just below the ears, all the way across the bottom of the head. Hundreds of teeth in a set of jaws that looked like they could chomp a watermelon in half. Humanoid in shape, the thing's body was at least seven feet tall with legs the size of tree stumps, dark purple in colour, and with arms as long and strong as a gorilla's with curving claws at the ends.

Tree stumps. Not tree trunks, tree stumps. So is this thing waddling around on short stubby legs, or did Stacy just have a vocabulary fail? My money's on B.

Haha, yeah, apparently it moves quickly with long strides. Good job there with the description. So Jed shoots at it a lot, OH WAIT it has hard leather skin that seems impenetrable to bullets... do bullets work on anything any more? It seems like every monster is immune. I guess there's always the cannibals and the Russians though. Eventually he manages to kill it anyway, but then... TWELVE MORE appear!!

Time for Eisenhower to put on some speed. Jed promises him "a whole bushel of applemelons" if they escape, which makes the horse accelerate like a missile while Jed fires a rifle with each hand.

Jed fires a rifle with each hand. People who know about guns, is this a thing? Cos it seems...somewhat unlikely to me. But anyway. They get past the monsters with Jed just taking a wound to the thigh, and then it's back on the road again.

With much of the protection of the atmosphere gone now, burned away by radioactive acids, the nights were much colder in America. It was as if the dark seas of space itself fell onto the earth at night, chilling it to the very granite marrow of its bones.

It looks like Stacy has given up telling us which season it is (and which year), which is sensible as it had gotten entirely ludicrous, but disappointing for the same reason. At least we still have Science! though. And at least one more bit of brilliant sky-description before the chapter is out:

The stars moved like weary travellers searching for but never finding a home to rest in among the lonely reaches of the galactic highways. The moon sank to its bed, tired, ready to curl into a fetal ball in the black blankets of Mother Earth. And then the sun inched into the sky, bright and ruddy, promising the world the warmth of a new day.

Are they home yet? Nope. Jed realises he is poisoned. And the chapter still has 7 pages to run. Good lord.

[Jon AS]

Tree stumps. Not tree trunks, tree stumps. So is this thing waddling around on short stubby legs, or did Stacy just have a vocabulary fail? My money's on B.

I find it oddly reassuring that clearly these books did not go through anything resembling a normal editing process.

Haha, yeah, apparently it moves quickly with long strides. Good job there with the description. So Jed shoots at it a lot, OH WAIT it has hard leather skin that seems impenetrable to bullets... do bullets work on anything any more? It seems like every monster is immune. I guess there's always the cannibals and the Russians though. Eventually he manages to kill it anyway, but then... TWELVE MORE appear!!

Stuff like this usually mostly happens in video games. But once Jed has levelled up a little, those twelve monsters probably won't be as difficult as the single one earlier proved itself to be. Alternatively he can maybe get help from our American Hero, who surely must be an epic level character at this point.

They get past the monsters with Jed just taking a wound to the thigh, and then it's back on the road again.

[...]

Are they home yet? Nope. Jed realises he is poisoned.

Yeah, hands up who saw that coming...

[Winter's Knight]

*raises hand*

I'm guessing that he'll crawl into CC, collapse in Rock's arms, give a totally non-homoerotic speech about how proud he is to be able to die in the Ultimate American's embrace, deliver his message and breathe his last while gazing into Rock's magnificent eyes, one blue as the sky on mid-summer morn, the other violet like the twilight just before fireworks on the fourth of July, both eyes shining like the twin star system of FREEDOM.

[Lummel]

secretariat ran the Kentucky Derby at a speed of circa 37.5 mph. But then he was only running for two minutes. Makes you wonder what else "Biscuit"'s noble steed has been crossed with (in addition to dog) :uhoh:

still at least I can look forward to a "kiss me, Rockson" moment

[Winter's Knight]

Heavens, how do y'all bear the suspense in between chapter breaks? I am beginning to wish I had not rushed through the previous installments so quickly. :(

[Antonius Pius]

Makes you wonder what else "Biscuit"'s noble steed has been crossed with (in addition to dog) :uhoh:

I'm worried it could be human, since it seems the promise of a particular meal is enough to make it speed up. No animal I've ever seen is so adroit in English.

Heavens, how do y'all bear the suspense in between chapter breaks? I am beginning to wish I had not rushed through the previous installments so quickly. :(

Yes, that's something we all have to live with... ;)

Lucky for us, Min is suffering through all these magnificent writings so we don't have to. Best not look the gift 'brid in the mouth. :)

[MinDonner]

Must point out, for those expecting a poignant collapse into the arms of the Doomsday Warrior, that Jed is actually heading away from CC, carrying Rock's Call to Arms to the scattered masses. Having said this, I can't guarantee that Stacy has remembered, so it could still happen.

So, with Jed unconscious from the poison, the only POV character we have left is Eisenhower the Horse. After several hours, Eisenhower notices that Master is not moving, preciouss, so he slows down (yes, Jed is still in the saddle) and walks carefully to make sure the guy doesn't fall off. Horse is so smrt that he knows the way home, even through the bit with the earthquake chasms and the quicksand, and eventually they get to a "rambling trout-filled cascade" where he can have a proper drink, uninterrupted by monsters (no mutant trout then?). At no point does Jed wake up or fall off; Eisenhower is like Shadowfax or something.

Two hours later (yes, this journey has lost all possible resemblance to a Pony Express relay route), they get to the "heavyweight atomic crater of the world", where a 20-megaton blast has thrown up a 2-mile wide volcano shaped thing. Not really sure what strategic nuclear targets would lie around 150 miles from Denver that would have merited such a big bomb... is Glenwood Springs particularly hated by commies or something? (this is a guess based on a quick look at Google Maps - Stacy hasn't even told us which direction Jed was going in. It could just as easily be Laramie, or... no, those are the only actual towns that would fit the distance). Eisenhower has a happy memory as he climbs of how he nearly fell off the crater rim once but Master saved him.

Jed picks this moment to wake up, and has just enough consciousness to strap himself into the saddle. Y U no trust Eisenhower? :crying: Then he passes out again.

Night time again. Yes, this single leg of the Pony Express has taken 24 hours with no stops for food, and now there's still twenty miles of Dark Woods to get through. Eisenhower is scared! There may be wolves and he can't fire a gun like Master can!

In its primitive heart the hybrid felt the urge to panic, to thrash its forelegs wildly, to buck and stomp. But in its mind, a mind honed and taught by the Master, it knew better. To stay was to die. To fight was to die. There was only one way. Gathering its strength, the 'brid snorted a whale-like puff of smoke through its steaming nostrils, clapped its front right hoof against the ground three times, and then started forward.

Yep, it's galloping time again, cos that's totally plausible after already running for hundreds of miles with no food. Also, smoking whales now?

Blah, Eisenhower charges down at the wolves "like exploding shells going off" (??) and then jumps over them and carries on running at top speed for three more miles. But now it has to pace itself! (yeah, Stacy never calls it "he", poor Eisenhower is genderless).

But the Master was still not moving. Now it was the master.

Muahahahaha! But no, Eisenhower's moment of megalomania is sadly glossed over as it is drawn like iron filings to a magnet towards the nearby Pony Express station (at last!). Some nameless guy rushes out and passes Jed's message bag to the next riders, as the post must be delivered! And thus passes "Biscuit" from our tale, still unconscious, while four riders head off to the north, south, east and west. Surely... surely Jed must have come from one of those directions? So they're just going back the same way? Bah, never mind. The chapter is over!

[Hereward]

I...I...I...have no words.

[Antonius Pius]

After several hours, Eisenhower notices that Master is not moving, preciouss, so he slows down (yes, Jed is still in the saddle) and walks carefully to make sure the guy doesn't fall off. Horse is so smrt that he knows the way home, even through the bit with the earthquake chasms and the quicksand, and eventually they get to a "rambling trout-filled cascade" where he can have a proper drink, uninterrupted by monsters (no mutant trout then?). At no point does Jed wake up or fall off; Eisenhower is like Shadowfax or something.

Or a crossbread humand/horse hybrid. I'm telling you, it (Eisenhorn Eisenhower) is human smart.

And thus passes "Biscuit" from our tale, still unconscious, while four riders head off to the north, south, east and west. Surely... surely Jed must have come from one of those directions? So they're just going back the same way?

A perfect example of Stacian Logic. Did the other pony riders simply know where to go, or did they read the call to arms first? I wouldn't put it past Stacy to have the Free Americans go to war on the appearance of a genderless horse with "Biscuit".

Bah, never mind. The chapter is over!

Thank God!

[Maithanet]

he 'brid snorted a whale-like puff of smoke through its steaming nostrils

Yeah....so many things wrong with just one portion of one sentence.

Is it snorting a puff of smoke or steam or both? Is Eisenhower a hybrid horse and robot? A cyborg horse would actually explain a lot of things. It would even make a nice twist, but alas, missed opportunities are nothing new in this series.

Whale-like puff of smoke? Is the smoke whale shaped? Or is it a puff of smoke like a whale makes? Because I'm not familiar with whales that smoke. Unless someone is burning the whale oil from the inside. Which I do NOT recommend. I assume he actually means the horse snorted steam like a puff of smoke like a whale makes with water and CO2. It's perfectly clear really.

[Datepalm]

I'm still trying to bend my mind around the fact we're actually down to the unHorse's pov.

And the whale-puff thing...

[Antonius Pius]

Would it be fair to say Stacy is 'metaphorically challenged'?

[Rorshach]

Would it be fair to say Stacy is 'metaphorically challenged'?

..but they are metaphors for FREEDOM!!!!1!

..or so I'm told

[Lummel]

Yes, I want to hear more from Eisenhower the nuclear horse!

[Antonius Pius]

..but they are metaphors for FREEDOM!!!!1!

..or so I'm told

Could be, but in Stacy's hands they would be "violent yet manly metaphors supporting American Freedom wherever they go", or something like that. "The force of Rockson's Ultimate Americanissimo punched "Crackers" in the gut and left him doubled over" is another something Stacy wouldn't bat a freedom loving eye at.

Yes, I want to hear more from Eisenhower the nuclear horse!

Who wouldn't? He's got more gumption than fuckin' "Biscuit", that's for sure.

[Antonius Pius]

That sounds eminently reasonable, especially in the eighties, so that's probably not what Stacy was thinking.

[KAH]

Two hours later (yes, this journey has lost all possible resemblance to a Pony Express relay route), they get to the "heavyweight atomic crater of the world", where a 20-megaton blast has thrown up a 2-mile wide volcano shaped thing. Not really sure what strategic nuclear targets would lie around 150 miles from Denver that would have merited such a big bomb... is Glenwood Springs particularly hated by commies or something?

I ventured to find out.

from Wiki;

The City of Glenwood Springs is a Home Rule Municipality that is the county seat and the most populous city of Garfield County, Colorado, United States.^[5] The U.S. Census Bureau stated that the city population was 9,614 in 2010 census.^[6] Glenwood Springs is home to one of the campuses and the administrative offices of the Colorado Mountain College system.

Glenwood Springs was originally known as "Defiance". Defiance was established in 1883, a camp of tents, saloons, and brothels with an increasing amount of cabins and lodging establishments. It was populated with the expected crowd of gamblers, gunslingers, and prostitutes. Town Founder Isaac Cooper's wife Sarah was having a hard time adjusting to the frontier life and in an attempt to make her environment somewhat more comfortable, persuaded the founders to change the name to Glenwood Springs, Colorado, after her beloved hometown of Glenwood, Iowa.^[7]

Its location at the confluence of the Colorado River and the Roaring Fork River as well as gaining a stop on the railroad historically made it a center of commerce in the area. The city has seen famous visitors including President Teddy Roosevelt who spent an entire summer vacation living out of the historic Hotel Colorado. Doc Holliday, a wild west legend from the O.K. Corral gunfight, spent the final months of his life in Glenwood Springs and is buried in the town's original Pioneer Cemetery above Bennett Avenue. Infamous serial killer Ted Bundy was imprisoned in the Glenwood Springs jail until he escaped on the night of December 30, 1977, an escape which went undetected for 17 hours.

Hm.

Glenwood Springs was originally known as "Defiance". Defiance was established in 1883, a camp of tents, saloons, and brothels with an increasing amount of cabins and lodging establishments. It was populated with the expected crowd of gamblers, gunslingers, and prostitutes.

]"Defiance"

Yeah, I think we've got our answer.

[MinDonner]

:lol: All becomes clear! And more than justifies the use of 2 kilotons of explosive per inhabitant. Best to be sure!

[Hereward]

It's a worrying indication that I have far too much time on my hands, but I've spent the last couple of days vaguely wondering if there has ever been another mutant horse POV in the history of literature. Do you think we should raise this with the Board?