Dating - Love Potion #9

[Maithanet]

Continuing the discussion from the previous thread.

Littlefinger in the Air: That was some pretty personal stuff. Here are my reactions to a couple things there.

I kid you not when I tell you the lady begged me not to do it once I told her it was over. I felt bad inside but I, at least for the duration of the phone call, stuck by my guns. Once we got off the phone, though, I couldn't deal with the thought of not being with her anymore so I told her that I couldn't go through with it, so our "break up" lasted a half hour, if we're being quite liberal.

Did you get back together because you really couldn't stand not to be with her? Or because you couldn't stand being the kind of person that would hurt her this way? This is a really really important question, because you cannot have a relationship where the goal is not hurting the other persons feelings.

Last night she told me the reason for her question was because she wanted to let me know "she won't put up with anything and everything just to be with me." When I asked her where that was even coming from, she cited the whole begging thing from months ago. And now here we are at square one.

All couples fight. The true test of a good relationship is how you solve problems together. If you are the kind of match that mostly doesn't have problems, then you might not be well prepared when they inevitably do come up. If it seems like you are having the same fight over and over again, then you need to address that, and talk about how you can come to a better solution than you have been. Things like: What is making her so insecure? Are these concerns warranted? What can you do to reassure her? Is the reassurance she is hoping for reasonable?

I obviously do not know the answer to these questions, I've never met you. But you need to work these kinds of questions out, and if the solutions you come up with do not solve the problem then the whole relationship might not work.

I feel like to be with her, I'm gonna have to accept the fact that no amount of love is going to undo her massive amount of insecurity and all I can do is love her the best I can. I can do this and I will because I want to be with her, but I would be a liar if I said she doesn't piss me off at times.

Two or three times a month she asks me if I'm with her because I pity her. Then I get hit with the "never being able to get over my insecurities" shit. This relationship is a true test of my will, that's for damn sure.

That sounds really bad. I can only hope that you don't really mean that, and that you are just going through a difficult time right now. Relationships aren't a test of will. If you feel like you are holding things together for the both of you, that means the relationship is actually breaking apart. Counseling is a good idea.

Edit: Grammer

[deleted01]

I'd say that counselling would help her to work through her own problems, but I'm not sure relationship counselling is a great idea for you. You're pretty young, around the same age as me I believe, and you've been together for what, a year? You really shouldn't need relationship counselling at this stage. (But I also believe that we Brits take a different view of counselling to those across the pond, so my opinion may be invalid here.)

I have some similar insecurities to your girlfriend, but I understand that they're my issues and why I have them. That'd be a good place to start with her. Sometimes I don't feel supported by my boyfriend, but that feeling is pretty unfounded, because either I haven't told him the full story, or he just doesn't know how to act, and comes across as insensitive or whatever. For example, on firework night we went out with my housemate to watch the fireworks. We sat on a wall, and after helping short ol' me up, he got up and sat next to her instead of me. I don't know why that bothered me so much, but it really did. When I finally mentioned it to him, he was confused. He said he'd just sat down, he wasn't thinking about it. Long story short, it may only take a seemingly tiny thing to set off someone's insecurities, but at the same time, if you're unaware of the problem(s) then you can't really deal with it.

Are you sure you want to stay in this relationship? I would advise against staying with someone (especially, if I remember correctly, your situation will involve marriage in the near future) just because you don't want to hurt them. Bearing in mind that you haven't lived together, I think you may still have a lot to learn about each other.

Look at me preaching :blushing:

[Theda Baratheon]

Mandy, I think it sounds like it's at the point now where it's socially okay to tell him to ''fuck off'' :P Hah.

Also, LF; I obviously don't know you personally, but from the sounds of it, I really don't think you and your lady are anywhere near to even thinking about marriage yet.

I feel like such massive hypocrite saying it as I still haven't gone to see anyone about my crap, but maybe a counselor would help her work through her insecurities. You really shouldn't be feeling so pissed off, or tired or like you have to keep everything together.

[Darth Visenya]

Mandy, if you're not comfortable with the sexting thing, don't give in no matter how tempting it may be, go for a relationship on your terms not his :).

I've not been for therapy, I would be too worried what they would find :lol:.

[Buckwheat]

I would wish you, LFB, all the best in his relationship, but also advise you to not rush into the marriage and carefully think things through. If you are not prepared to support her that way all her life right now, you might want to postpone things for as long as you need to figure things out.

I hope this is not a too pushy comment, of course I do not know you and do not know how you really feel about it. Thank you for sharing all the details with us - and good luck with whatever you end up doing in this issue. :grouphug:

[Darth Visenya]

Get yourself a premium rate number :D.

[jongtu]

Yea Mandy. Your best bet there is to not reply or just tell him to fuck off. Im not sure about other guys. But most of us can get the not interested vibe. I sometimes take that as a challenge. But if you ignore for long enough they will stop. Worst casw scenario after that is the send you a drunk text or two.

[White Walker Texas Ranger]

Does anyone know how common law marriage works in Texas?

[Lily Valley]

I am definitely not AGAINST sexting, but I am against it being the only means of contact between me and someone else. I'm not a phonesex operator and I don't appreciate being treated like one and not getting paid for it.

Maybe I should request money. LOL

DO IT!! There's only three outcomes that I can see from this, all awesome.

1. It makes the point clear and he'll leave you alone, thus removing temptation.

2. He might pay you and it IS fun.

3. He'll blab in indignation. You'll get an awesome reputation as a professional phone sexter. I see this as a win. It might be counterproductive to your endgame.

[Littlefingers In The Air]

I appreciate the hugs from Buckwheat and the advice from everyone. Can't quote, so I'll answer every question by scrolling up to remember it.

I first saw your OP for this new thread on break from work around 3 hours ago, Maithanet, and I've thought about it ever since. I can honestly say I got back with her because the thought of not being with her and giving up on such a good woman before I exhausted all possible options didn't sit well with me. I do genuinely love her.

@ Dracarya : I am sure I want to be in the relationship but I have learned the somewhat difficult way that proposing after a year isn't feasible in my situation. I feel like it's a step I want to take but there is no rush. So the new plan is to see where we're at when the two year mark hits, if we can get there. By that time, we would both have been living in the same city for 6 months or so, because she's going to go for her masters at Kent and I plan to transfer back there.

I feel like the chance to spend more time together than just 2 or 3 times a month will teach me a lot more about who she is and will help us learn more about each other and what it takes to have a healthy relationship. (What a shock, I know.)

I would say a massive part of her insecurity in terms of our relationship is the 45 minute distance. I'm a pretty decent looking guy with a pretty decent personality and she has said that she isn't the only one who knows that. I think when we're both at Kent and we're spending our nights together or we're both at work in the same city, it'll give her the peace if mind to know nothing is going on and that I'm faithful. I don't even feel

like it should take all of that to prove I'm faithful but alas, in will in this case.

Marrying her is not at all off the cards. It's just I'm not prideful enough to stick with the decision to propose after a year just because I've been pretty public. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong and that's that.

[deleted01]

45 minute distance, and she's worried you'll cheat? I think you should address that, rather than think that being in the same town and her knowing your every move will fix that, because it won't. And it'll get fucking annoying. My boyfriend lives about 5 hours away by train, back in my hometown. If someone's going to cheat, they'll cheat, and it doesn't matter how near or far away you live from each other.

Edit: I'm not saying you definitely will, cheat. I'm just saying that being together a lot won't solve her insecurities.

[Arkhangel]

45 minutes apart but you only see her 2 or 3 times a month - why? I used to drive further than that to see an animal every second day.

[Maithanet]

I first saw your OP for this new thread on break from work around 3 hours ago, Maithanet, and I've thought about it ever since. I can honestly say I got back with her because the thought of not being with her and giving up on such a good woman before I exhausted all possible options didn't sit well with me. I do genuinely love her.

Great. Love is very important, but it's not the only thing. I had to break up with my gf after college because it wasn't working anymore. I knew I still loved her, and that made breaking up very hard. Anyways, I have no idea if that is your situation. I just remember for months more or less knowing that we ought to break up but convincing myself not to because I didn't want to hurt her and I wasn't ABSOLUTELY sure that we couldn't work it out. In retrospect I was just making excuses and being immature, putting off a hard breakup because it was easier in the short term.

45 minute distance, and she's worried you'll cheat? I think you should address that, rather than think that being in the same town and her knowing your every move will fix that, because it won't. And it'll get fucking annoying. My boyfriend lives about 5 hours away by train, back in my hometown. If someone's going to cheat, they'll cheat, and it doesn't matter how near or far away you live from each other.

Edit: I'm not saying you definitely will, cheat. I'm just saying that being together a lot won't solve her insecurities.

Yeah, that's how far I drive to and from work every day, and I don't even have a "long" commute by DC standards. Seems weird that you wouldn't be seeing each other at least every week. Regardless, I agree with Drac that if she is insecure about you cheating, being closer isn't going to help much. Unless you two are attached at the hip, she is going to have to trust you, whether it is 6 days between seeing each other or 6 hours.

[Littlefingers In The Air]

It's school and work schedules that make it so hard..she has to drive from Bedford to Cleveland every weekday at 8:00 AM. Depending on the school day, she's there until 2:50 PM or 7:00 PM. On the days she is there until 2:50 PM, she is right back in the car to head back to Bedford for work, from 4:00 to-11.

Saturdays she has a lab she has to go to in Bedford from 1-4. So she has so little free time and that's without factoring in my schedule. In my current situation, I'm not driving. Won't be until February or March.

So we end up alternating who goes to see who, which is now even further impacted by the shift I'm working now. On Thursdays, I had to take the 5:50 PM bus up to Kent from my current city and stay up there for the night. The next morning, I had to be at the bus stop by 6:10 to catch the one bus available to me that could take me to where she is. $5.00 both ways.

If it sounds like a hassle, you can bet the house it absolutely was, but it was the option I had available to me and I took it with a smile on my face. She drives down to Akron on weekends when gas permits and I give her some gas money.

I really hadn't considered that living close by won't change things from her end, long term. It's something else to think about.

[Prince Alexander]

LITA - you seem to put up with alot. Is it really worth it?

I've had a problem with hurting others' feeling when dating just a year ago or so. Since then I've realized that it's a dog eat dog game. I'm not saying specifically go and hurt someone, but take care of yourself first. Don't ever settle - there are so many other potential partners.

[Inigima]

Be meaner. Tell him to fuck off. He is not seeing that his attempts are making you like him less, and he needs to.

[Inigima]

No. Stop being flattered. He's an asshole. Tell him to get bent.

[brook]

Mandy I agree with Ini here. Tell him to fuck off, he's making it clear that what you want means nothing to him, you don't need to put up with that.

[Lily Valley]

I'm with the crew. He's not listening.

[andrew_]

I had this major crush on a girl a couple of years ago, when I found out that she didn't feel the same way I quickly moved past it and we became good friends instead. I've always enjoyed her company and we've been spending a lot of one on one time recently over these summer holidays.

Sadly though after a couple years of being more than happy as just friends and not even thinking about her in a romantic way, I've started to develop feelings for her again. The worst thing about it all is that I'm "that guy" that she talks to about all her personal and relationship issues. I've been avoiding her lately because it pains me to spend time with her knowing that she's dating major douchebags that treat her like shit (I won't elaborate but yeh they suck, she's always ends up disappointed or in tears) and having to hear about it every-time we see each-other. As a result she's started to notice my odd behavior, thinking its something she's done or said. The one thing I don't want to do is make her feel uncomfortable, I'm at my wits end :dunce: