Goodkind XII

[Elrostar]

Now now... that's not a chicken at all. I mean... wait... I mean, it doesn't even look like a chicken.

You clearly have too much time on your hands

[Sad King Billy]

Now now... that's not a chicken at all. I mean... wait... I mean, it doesn't even look like a chicken.

You clearly have too much time on your hands

you give me too much credit. The only change on my part is changing the label to "evil incarnate" rather than the darkness that stood before and uploading it to photobucket.

[Ryne]

Why doesn't Richard just build another statue to show people that life is worth living? Sure, the first one got destroyed, but it sure was effective. It turned Nicci to the side of "good" (using this term very loosely) which brings me to my next point. It seems redemption is possible in these books.

A quote from Phantom:

' "But there must be some way to redeem these people," Jebra said at last. "Isn't there a way to bring them to their senses and get them to cast off the teachings of the order?"

Nicci looked away from Jebra to stare off into the distance. "I was brought up from birth under the Order's teachings and I came to my senses."

Still staring off into a dark storm of memories, she fell silent for a moment, as if she were reliving her seemingly endless struggle to grasp at life, to escape the haunting clutches of the Order.

"But you cannot imagine how profoundly difficult it was for me to emerge from that realm of dark beliefs. I doubt anyone who has not been lost in the suffocating world of the Order's teachings can begin to grasp what it's like to believe that your life is worthless and of no value, or grasp the shadow of terror that falls over you every time you try to turn away from what you have been taught is your only means of salvation."

Her watery gaze hesitantly drifted to Richard. He knew. He had been there. He knew what it was like.

"I was redeemed," she whispered in a broken voice, "but it was far from easy."

Jebra looked encouraged by what Richard knew was no real encouragement. "But it worked for you," she said, "so maybe it will work for others."

"She is different from most of those under the spell of the Order," '

Nicci is just so gosh darned special and better than everyone else in the Order and that's why she was able to come over to the side of Richard good. Yet another lame attempt from Goodkind(BBHN) to try and dispel the endless amount of hypocrisy riddled throughout his books.

[Moosicus]

MORAL CLARITY FTW

And it goes on...

Kahlan’s military expertise and high moral celery content never cease to amaze. It is for this reason that one of her wonderful chapters gets to be today’s Terry Goodkind Quote of the Day. This scene follows after Richard’s capture by Nicci the chesty sorceress. Kahlan returns to the D’Haran army after they had just had their asses handed to them by the Order. Kahlan decides to lead a night cavalry raid consisting of the D’Haran soldiers who had just been fighting all day. To make things even better, they all smear themselves with some kind of glow-in-the-dark powder to make sure the enemy can see them. How this makes sense in a night raid is beyond me, but I’m not the commander that the Mother Confessor is. So let’s take a look at her plan, and a bit of the raid itself, shall we?

“What about Richard’s admonition not to directly attack the Order?†Verna asked.

“I remember well what Richard said. I’m not going to directly attack their main force.â€

Zed supposed she did remember it well. She had been there with Richard – they hadn’t. Zedd brought up a touchy issue.

“The main force will be in the center, well protected. At their edges, where you attack, will be defenses, of course, but mostly the camp followers will be at the tail end of the Order’s camp – the fringe to the south, mostly.â€

“I don’t really care,†she said with cold fury. “If they’re with the Order, then they are the enemy. There will be no mercy.†She was looking at her new general as she spoke her orders. “I don’t care if we kill their whores or their generals. I want every baker and cook dead as much as I want every officer and archer dead. Every camp follower we kill will deprive them of the comforts they enjoy. I want to strip them of everything, including their lives. Is that understood?â€

General Meiffert gave his nod. “No mercy. You’ll get no argument from us, Mother Confessor; that is the D’Haran code of warfare.â€

<Snip>

Before they could get far, Zedd halted Kahlan with a softly spoken question.

“Kahlan, do you have any idea how we can get Richard back?â€

She gazed boldly into his eyes. “Yes. I have a plan.â€

“Would you mind sharing it with me?â€

“It’s simple. I plan on killing every Imperial Order man, woman, and child until I get to the very last one left alive, and then if she doesn’t give him back, I’m going to kill her, too.â€

<That oughta get him back. Snip. Most of the details of the battle are tedious, so I’ll stick with the better parts displaying Kahlan’s valor.>

The couple, arm in arm – undoubtedly at a price – was close. The man was on the far side of the woman as Kahlan raced up behind them, so with a mighty swing she took off the woman’s head, instead. The stupefied man clutched the headless body as it began to fall. […]

A soldier with a pike stood with his legs spread in a stance of sudden alarm. On her way past, Kahlan snatched the pike from his grip, stabbed it into a small tent, twisting it, getting the canvas tangled up on its barbs, and then backed her horse, hauling the tent of a man and woman. Her men following behind stabbed the exposed couple as Kahlan pulled the remnants of the tent through a fire[…]

Kahlan wheeled her mount, stabbing anyone within reach. Many were not soldiers. Her sword felled leatherworkers and wagon masters, whores and soldiers. High-stepping at her command, her horse trampled down a line of big tents where wounded were being cared for. Beside a lamp, Kahlan spotted a surgeon with needle and thread working on a man’s leg. She drove her horse around to trample the surgeon and the man he was sewing up. The surgeon held his arms up before his face, but his arms were no good at warding the weight of a huge warhorse.

Kahlan signaled her men in. Army surgeons were valuable. The D’Harans killed every one they saw. She knew that killing each was as good as killing untold numbers of enemy soldiers. Kahlan and her men wreaked havoc through the whores’ tents, toppled cook wagons, cut down soldiers and civilians alike.

~Terry Goodkind, Faith of the Fallen

[theMountainGoat]

Such a noble woman. I am literally moved to tears by her awesome moral clarity and sense of righteousness. :cry:

In fact I am going to kick a surgeon in the jaw right now.

[Moosicus]

Agreed, surgeons suck and must die. But first the whores. How dare these women allow themselves to be captured by the Order, brutalized and repeatedly gang raped and forced be be whores for the soldiers, a quick death is too good for them.

[theMountainGoat]

I agree MM. If only Tyrion possessed the high levels of moral celery our Richard has he would never have got into all that trouble over a whore. Though this obviously would have come at the expense of a lot of great sex. Mind you Tyrion still got to express his righteousness by strangling the bitch in the end anyway.

Bless you for your hard work Mad Moose. I wish you well for your wedding next week too - good luck!

[Moosicus]

Bless you for your hard work Mad Moose. I wish you well for your wedding next week too - good luck!

Thanks MG. Family from out of town starts arriving tonight, so today may be the last QotD for a couple weeks. I'll see if I can squeeze one more out tomorrow morning, but I make no promises.

[Perin Stone]

I am amazed at the physical strength that Kahlan posseses. She is able to decapitate a woman with one hand, grab a pike from a soldier and wield it one handed on horse back. That's pretty impressive....

[whelp]

I am just plain stunned by Kahlan's awesome tactical abilities, her superhuman strength, and of course her moral celery...

:sick: :sick: :sick: :sick:

@MM:

All the best for your wedding!

Btw, it will be a SoT-themed one, right?

[Moosicus]

@MM:

All the best for your wedding!

Btw, it will be a SoT-themed one, right?

I'm having my war wizard outfit pressed as we speak. Most of the guests have refused to dress as Mud People unfortunately. They lack celery.

[Zadok]

Kahlan wheeled her mount, stabbing anyone within reach. Many were not soldiers. Her sword felled leatherworkers and wagon masters, whores and soldiers. High-stepping at her command, her horse trampled down a line of big tents where wounded were being cared for. Beside a lamp, Kahlan spotted a surgeon with needle and thread working on a man’s leg. She drove her horse around to trample the surgeon and the man he was sewing up. The surgeon held his arms up before his face, but his arms were no good at warding the weight of a huge warhorse.

Kahlan signaled her men in. Army surgeons were valuable. The D’Harans killed every one they saw. She knew that killing each was as good as killing untold numbers of enemy soldiers. Kahlan and her men wreaked havoc through the whores’ tents, toppled cook wagons, cut down soldiers and civilians alike.

Go! Trample the wounded! You can do it Kahlan! Neither seems to be particularly effective, but I wonder if your arms or a hatred for moral clarity provide a better shield against righteousness. Shouldn't the IO be running short on civilians with the wholesale slaughter that Richard and Kahlan inflict on them?

[Elrostar]

Does TG have any idea of the typical number of casualties in a battle relative to the number of combatants? The idea of making your enemy fight to the last man is absolutely the worst strategy I may have ever heard of.

I knew that people had said that TG didn't seem to know much about warfare, but I didn't think it was this bad. I guess doing any amount of research about how these sorts of things actually work would go against his personal mantra or something?

And yes, Kahlan is really really strong, apparently. I'm filled with admiration for her. Go kill those doctors. And the camp followers. Show your moral celery.

[Zap Rowsdower]

I am amazed at the physical strength that Kahlan posseses. She is able to decapitate a woman with one hand, grab a pike from a soldier and wield it one handed on horse back. That's pretty impressive....

For me, Kahlan's prodigeous strength has never been a problem. I have always visualized Kahlan as looking exactly like Divine. You should try it sometime- it is incredibly easy to imagine Harris Glen Milstead decapitating with one hand and grabbing a pike with the other while on horseback.

As for my mental image of Richard, I always seem to return to Steven Seagal or perhaps Robert Z'Dar.

[Moosicus]

Just to let you guys all know, the Terry Goodkind Quote of the Day is over. It's drawing to much negative attention to the board. We had a good run, but all good(kind) things must come to an end.

[MinDonner]

Nooooo! That's a damn shame. Maybe just as well though, cos the summer slack period is over and I have to actually start doing some work again...

[Elrostar]

Damn... now I'm going to have to actually read the books in order to get these stunning gems of literary genius? I'm not sure I'm cut out for that. I don't think I really have the fortitude required to make it through a SoT novel, let alone the entire series... I'll fall back on listening to the WoT on audiobook before I subject myself to that torment, I think. True, it will lack some of the comedic value, but there will also be less anguish, I think.

MinDonner, I know what you mean. I'm being productive with work as well, and it might well boost my productivity to not always be reading and posting in these threads

[Moosicus]

Ran has suggested trimming it down to two or three quotes per book, so what we need to do is perhaps have a vote? A Terry Goodkind Greatest Hits, those will be saved for posterity, the rest will probably be a) either trimmed down a great deal, or more likely deleted. Cast your votes when you are able.

[Errant Bard]

Before anything, on the top of my head, I vote for:

The chicken

The goat

The hatred for moral celery

The barbed namble cock

The "grrrratch luuug Raaach aaaarg"

The violet jaw-kick

These quotes define the serie

[Shaun Snow]

Before the threads end I'd just like to thank you guys for all the laughs you've given. I haven't contributed to the run before this but I've been lurking throughout. Hilarious shit, great job all; and Goodkind is one seriously fucked up dude.