So You're Having an Unexpected Drug Trip: A Guide

[Wise Fool]

So, for reasons unknown and functionally irrelevant, you are presently under the influence of mind-altering substances? Oh, and that you will now be having a wacky eight, ten, twelve, or 24 hours? Oh, and that while unexpected, unpleasant, and undesirable, this journey you're taking doesn't require medical help because if it does, you'd put down this guide right now and dial 9-1-1, right? Good.

 

Glad we've gotten that out of the way. Glad we're on the same page here.

 

It's really unfortunate you've decided to take just all the drugs. There are going to be mental effects which will be predictable, depending on the drugs in question. But there will also be unpredictable mental events.

 

Here. Hold my hand. Not for comfort, but because we're going into a bad neighborhood and we need to show strength through unity.

 

That bad neighborhood is your mind.

 

1. Breathe

 

I can't stress this part enough. Breathing is awesome, and I think everyone should do it.

 

"Okay," a hypothetical heckler says sarcastically, "I'm breathing, now what?"

 

Good question, hypothetical heckler! I am going to rename you hypothetical good student, because you're asking good questions instead of heckling like we originally thought.

 

The answer is to continue to keep breathing! It's very, very simple, and also very, very, VERY effective at 100% of things except for not-breathing.

 

Notice that your heart will beat as long as your breathing happens. It'll start freaking out if you hold your breathe, though. Why is this? Because the heart is stupid and panicky, like... a goat?

 

SPACE GOAT?

 

No. But because the hearts movements are really governed by the nervous system, which is not to say the brain although the brain is also a part. And this nervous system can be altered by itself. Which is to say, you are capable of breathing faster or slower, and therefore regulating your own physical and emotional state. It runs on autopilot, you see, but you can use your manual override whenever you like.

 

Pretty interesting thing, this whole "being alive" business. Which is good, because we have hours and hours more of it! (Many, many hours, hopefully!)

 

2. Be At One With Everything

 

Look, no one is expecting you to be Jesus. No one. Seriously. Up until this moment, no one in the world has ever even thought about your naked body hanging on a crucifix. And now you're thinking about it. Gross. Loincloth, or no loincloth? How big are your pecs and how well-defined are your abs, Jesus?

 

Anyway, on a more serious note, that Jesus guy did have a few things to say. "I am the way," quoth he. "I am the truth." Well what the fuck does THAT mean?

 

Perhaps it means what a lot of people think it means: that Jesus is, like, super awesome special. He's King and Lord and God and we, as obedient children and slaves and subjects, ought to bow down in worship. If we bow hard enough, maybe Jesus will sprinkle blessings upon our meek hearts. And those who don't bow, well... they're the enemy, obviously. They have some OTHER master, wink wink.

 

Or maybe, just maybe, it means that what Jesus is doing, what Jesus is being, that is what God is. And furthermore, that Jesus is not the only one who can be God. That in fact, everyone everywhere is just God being God, in disguise. That God is, in fact, a Way of Being, not a person: and that you are God right now - can you see it?

 

Well, maybe you can't. But Jesus could, which is why he went insane and spent his declining years babbling to himself in a lunatic asylum about space robots. A tragic story, and well known, of course.

 

Look: a thing happens. Now you can either fight against that thing somehow, or accept that thing. Think of it like this: you're moving a pallet down an aisle and someone else is moving a pallet down an aisle that intersects yours and you both reach the same point at the same time. It's much better if you accept that this happened. Then you can figure out how to deal with this most efficiently. In fact, there are unwritten rules framing this situation already in place. BUT, you have the option of resisting, crying, and wishing things weren't the way they are. Even though it won't make room for two pallets in the same space, it's a thing you can do.

 

It's simply that it's much easier to accept rather than resist. This goes for All Things. Everything Is As It Should Be Already. Don't fight it. Don't fight for it. Don't fight. Just relax. Although there is some turbulence in some areas, overall the Universe is pretty calm. And so it is with you.

 

3. Be Patient

 

Time is going to keep happening. There's no stopping it. Time is the wheel of a saw and you are the raw wood which is shaped over time by the saw.

 

How many more hours? What drugs did you take again? That was a weird decision of yours. Let's not think about that. It's OK, hey - we all do drugs sometimes. I'm not sure that anyone else has ever been as high as you are about to be, though.

 

4. Don't Order a Pizza

 

Look, I know you think a pizza is a good idea. It sounds good to me too. But you can't do it. You have to resist. Don't pick up that phone. Don't dial that number. Don't use your magic powers to conjure hot, cheap, tasty food right to your living room like we're living in some utopian sci fi reality.

 

No! Delicious.. awesome.... must... resist.....

 

5. Try to Avoid People

 

Oh, you took THAT drug? Yeah, I'd avoid people right about now. Your eyes look a bit weird. You look kind of crazy right now. Normal people would not understand. How could they? They are inferior.

 

Weak.

 

They don't know the Truth.  They would only know that you're On Something, because you very obviously are, remember? Silly. We were talking about drugs this whole time. Drugs: you are on them.

 

The thing about drugs, you see, is this: they are portals to insanity. Even alcohol or cigarettes. Any recreational, mind- or mood-altering substance is a window with a view of the disturbed, rotting core of the human psyche. Some windows are bigger, clearer than others, of course. Others are boarded-up with just a bit of light peeking through. CRAZY light!

 

So keep that in mind next time you see someone having a drink. Or drinking a coffee. Think to yourself: "This person is a drug user. They are using drugs right now." How will it effect their behavior? It's all quite interesting stuff to study, if you have a mind to. In this case, of course, you're the one using drugs.

 

All the drugs, if I heard you right. All of them? Geez.

 

6. Water Never Hurts

 

Water can't hurt, unless you drown in it, or drink toxic levels of it, or have bladder or urination issues, or it's bad water, with parasites or bacteria or fungus or chemicals or salt.

 

So water hurts sometimes. But you drink it anyway, don't you? Filthy pervert!

 

7. What? Why am I a filthy pervert?

 

I am glad you asked, because I've been meaning to bring this up. How come every time you eat, you put food matter into your mouth and chew and then let the slimy stuff slide into your belly for processing? That's disgusting and I can't believe you do that every day.

 

And don't even start with that "actually, literally every organism ingests sustenance" bit, because people are no longer buying that excuse. No excuses!

 

8. What to do about Fear?

 

Fear is the trip-killer. Fear is the trip. Fear is the God. FEAR IS GOD!

 

Of course everything is God, so that's not saying much. It's a lot of nonsense is what it is. So let me be more specific: fear will be your end. If you fear anything, you fear your own end, and so you fear death. But only life can know fear: death is, if anything, the end of fear. So what is fear?

 

Fear is life, Fear is God! Does even thinking about fear make you afraid? It should. That is how Fear is. It's this Thing that Exists. Fear.

 

Fear exists just as much as You exist! Both of you are persons. Fear is a person, named Fear, whose main quality is to fear things. This person is bodiless, so really a spirit or demon. And fear gets inside of you. It possesses you. It takes over. That's what fear is! Demonic!! EXORCISM!

 

Enough of that nonsense.

 

There's no easy answer. Find one that's to your liking. Fear: what to do? Something? Nothing? I like the strategy of "allowing it to slowly die," because that appeals to my inherent tendency towards murder and death, but, ha ha, that's just me.

 

 

9. You May Be on More Drugs Than Me

 

I may indeed be on more drugs than you ever have or ever will. I may in fact be flying so high and so far and for so long that I might have difficulties with atmospheric re-entry. Non-violent, non-emergency difficulties, I remind you! But yes, we are peaking right now. Things are definitely happening inside of this brain. Fear? We're over that shit, baby.

 

10. However I Can Relate To Your Insanity Because I am Also Insane

 

That is comforting to know, even though rationally it ought not to be.

 

Consider this: what if the universe WAS stupid? Blind? Unintelligent, unspiritual, mundane, concrete, mechanistic, Newtonian?

 

In such a case, feeling like you're one with the universe would be just irrelevant data being processed by a biological computer situated in a meat motion machine.

 

In other words a world with God would look exactly the same as a world without God. However, it would look different if there was half of a God.

 

That's silly. Half a God? But then, "half of infinity" is a thing, apparently, so why not God too? Mathematically, though, God is... problematic.

 

BA-DUM *CRSH*

 

God is either everything or nothing! All or none! One for all and all for one! Wait, that last idiom might be inappropriate. Regardless, in the spirit of Godly all-inclusiveness, we will keep it.

 

I posit that yes *sigh* God IS everything. All of reality, all that is. That's just what I call the set that includes all sets: God. It's a silly word, I admit, but not inherently better or worse than shrugging and saying "uh, I dunno" or mentioning something about rabbits and unicorns.

 

But let's not get into that. God maybe frightens you. God-talk is usually kind of inappropriate, for mature audiences only. Let us talk rather of poop.

 

If God is everything, does that mean that when I eat some food and later, my body transforms that food into poop, and I use my butt muscles to make poop nuggets in the toilet, that what is actually happening is HOLY SHIT?

 

Yes. Yes is the answer.

 

11. Holy Shit!

 

See it's funny because these seem to be two opposites. There's poop, and then there's what we think of as holy, which is definitely not-poop. The juxtaposition of opposing concepts can be either humorous or offensive or insane.

 

Arguably, humor is a form of mental illness in which one's body rejects the stupid shit produced by the brain. Physically reacts, by laughing, for example. But let's not go there.

 

So having poop and holiness on the same plate is like having toothpaste with your orange juice.

 

And yet, on its own, toothpaste is useful and desirable. So is orange juice.

 

So what do I mean by holy shit? An irreconcilable duo? A contradiction? Or.... a unification of opposites!

 

12. Congratulations. You are now halfway through the time you spend reading this.

 

13. Congratulations. You are now approaching the end of this piece.

It is said that a mind is a terrible thing to waste. I agree: the mind is a terrible thing. It's always playing tricks, the mind. Even now the mind is tricking you. It's tricking me too. What a trickster-devil, mind.

 

That said, we should also be aware that nobody's mind is actually being wasted here. That is, in fact, just a figure of speech. Actually, the mind is being well used. This kind of insipid shit is just what the mind does best. No, that's a bit harsh. It's not really insipid. And what the mind does best is, well...

 

What it does best is rest. It just sits there, being a mind. Acting like a reflecting jelly which absorbs all information and just reflects it. Calm. Collected. Inert. Kind of dead-looking. But very, very alive. That's what the mind does best - that and count up to five.

 

Argument: everything we experience, we experience as a mind. Not even as a brain. A mind. Mind is all we can ever experience, because we can never actually go out of our mind (try as we might). And so all we can ever know or experience is ourselves, because we are (presumably) our minds. Our minds infer the existence of the body and brain, we agree that these are included within us, but they are not the same as us and we needn't identify ourselves with our meat wagons.

 

I don't meant to be argumentative. Let's go back to how things were when we first met, so many years ago.

 

Don't waste your time, is the lesson. Not that you are wasting your mind. You ARE your mind, so how can you waste yourself? Who is doing the wasting? You see the problems here. Do you?

 

Time is the wheel whose movement cannot be stopped or slowed or counteracted. Not mind. Mind is more like water. The water mind. The brain grind. The mill. These are words.

 

 

Come down! the people, the little people so tiny like ants down below, that's what they're saying. But they don't know. Come up here! you might reply. It's way more awesome up here, dude.

 

They wouldn't be able to hear, not with those ant sized ears.

 

14. Why Are We Numbering Things?

 

It's the Internet. That's how things are said on teh internet. LISTS GODDAMMIT!

 

15. Break the format then!

 

Why? No one's reading this anyway.

 

16. Even more reason!

 

Even less!

 

17. In Conclusion

 

You are still high. However, you have reached the end of the guide. I recommend a follow-up guide.

[Manhole Eunuchsbane]

Primus-Frizzle Fry

 

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Va1x8cJt9U

 

 

 Hello all you boys and girls, I'd like to take you to the inside world

 

 It's a quite irregular place to be, but never fear you're safe with me

 

 

 Well maybe

[Larry of the Lawn]

Ha! I once listened to Frizzle Fry!

[Wise Fool]

Primus-Frizzle Fry

 

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Va1x8cJt9U

 

 

 Hello all you boys and girls, I'd like to take you to the inside world

 

 It's a quite irregular place to be, but never fear you're safe with me

 

 

 Well maybe

Perfect. This is all going precisely as planned all along. Soon, SOON!

[Theda Baratheon]

Are you okay?

[Wise Fool]

Are you okay?

Of course we're okay. Everything is okay, down here. No need to send any stormtroopers or look at the security cameras or anything, really, it's just lovely weather too, did you know they could do that? I didn't, this death star is pretty amazing.

[IamMe90]

Well, I know what I'm doing this weekend.

[all swedes are racist]

10/10, would do again, and request Wise Fool as spirit guide

[Manhole Eunuchsbane]

 Just a couple of quick take-aways that struck me.

 

1) Sometimes the bad neighborhood is not your mind. It very well could be that you wandered into a bad neighborhood. It is not beyond the realm of possibilities.

 

2) Order the fucking pizza. Or Chinese. Or whatever. You might not be all that hungry, but what you do eat will be amazing, and the interaction with the delivery person is likely to be interesting. Just make sure you have an acceptable method of payment, as we most certainly do not want to get the police involved. 

[Wise Fool]

 Just a couple of quick take-aways that struck me.

 

1) Sometimes the bad neighborhood is not your mind. It very well could be that you wandered into a bad neighborhood. It is not beyond the realm of possibilities.

 

2) Order the fucking pizza. Or Chinese. Or whatever. You might not be all that hungry, but what you do eat will be amazing, and the interaction with the delivery person is likely to be interesting. Just make sure you have an acceptable method of payment, as we most certainly do not want to get the police involved. 

You raise an interesting question, Rabbit Who Is Talking Inside My Lungs. Do we have enough for pizza? Because if so, then we're go, but if no, then no-go.

 

What we REALLY do not want is the THOUGHT Police. Oh, you thought they didn't exist? Buckle up, sonny, of course the thought police exist. And they're walking their beat even as we think together right now.  Just a-lookin' for perps to book, criminal deals to bust, crimes to prevent.

 

Thought crimes. Are your thoughts criminal? Good question: let me see. Hmm. Well, they skate the line in a few places but no, generally, you're OK. I mean, you could still use a good 3-4 in a Thought Crime Penitentiary, right? But you have to earn your sentencing, dawg.

 

Are MY thoughts criminal? Well nevermind that now, you're thinking criminally by even asking me a question like that. Of course I am not a criminal. My thoughts are good and pure, officer.

 

I thought so, sonny.

[Westerosi Coast Gangster]

Stay out of the bathroom. Once entered you will not leave.

[Larry of the Lawn]

Stay out of the bathroom. Once entered you will not leave.

That's a myth.

[The Mance]

That's a myth.

Or maybe he's thinking of your basement?

[Larry of the Lawn]

Or maybe he's thinking of your basement?

Touche.

[Wise Fool]

Don't go in there. [the bathroom]

 

Don't.

 

On the other hand, maybe you have to. Look, we can all agree that it is better that you brave the wilderness of the bathroom than poop or pee in your pants and on the carpet or wherever. I mean that'd be super gross, right? So the bathroom is the better option.

 

So sometimes you have to. HAVE. TO.

 

IN which case you must accept this as fact. It's no use denying the reality here. That's a bathroom and you, as a human being, must utilize that toilet machine for reasons. Pretending otherwise won't help.

 

It'll be okay. It'll be okay. You just have to open the door and take a few steps and then close the door behind you and then do your thing. You've done this, like, actual millions of times. No big deal. No need to think about it too much. Are we thinking about it too much? We might be thinking about this way, way too much. Oh well, there it is, here's what we do.

 

Stand up, walk. Whoa - it is weird to walk. But it's harder still when we're talking to ourselves in our head. Stop that, it's distracting the driver of this vehicle. We have a load we need to deliver, okay? Here we go, over the boundary. No one is there, no one is looking at you, no one knows. You're taking too long. They know. Of course they know. Everyone knows exactly where you are and what you are doing right now. Oh well. We still have to do it. Here we go. Into the bathroom, just like normal people. Why was that so hard? Shh! They're listening. Okay, let's just - oh, holy shit, the mirror.

 

FUCK. THE MIRROR.

 

OH NO. OH SHIT OH SHIT LOOK AWAY.

Yeah, but you saw. You saw yourself. Oh my god, something is weird and something is happening!

 

PISS!

 

Quick, Before we get trapped. Fumble for your penis. That's right, you have one, it's okay. Everyone has one. Well, everyone male. Mostly everyone male. I don't know, it doesn't matter, the important thing is that it's this tiny little bit of flesh we need to get out and aim correctly. Hair is everywhere. I'm pretty sure that a jungle of vicious hair-vines is strangling the life out of my penis. I should probably cut it free! Wait. Wait. That is NOT a good idea.

 

Wait. Wait. How long have we been in the bathroom? Doesn't matter, doesn't matter. Let's just take a piss and get out of here. That's all we have to do, right? Right? Yeah, pretty sure. Right now. Oh, there's some farting going on though. Maybe later we will have to poop. That might be a thing to put on the schedule. Thankfully we don't have to deal with all that. Just a quick piss. Is this piss taking too long? Everyone can obviously hear it. They know. They know you're on drugs and you're pissing, you drug user! THEY ARE JUDGING YOUR PISS.

 

Wait, calm down. We're okay. We're done. No more pissing needs to occur for a while. Success. Flush the toilet. Turn the faucet on. Rinse hands. Rinse face OH GOD FUCK THERE IT IS AGAIN

 

ITS ME!

 

I AM IT!

 

WE ARE THE SAME!

 

How long have we been trapped in this bathroom? Did we die here? A lot of people, statistically, die in bathrooms. Statistically, if I'm dead and in the house, I am probably in the bathroom. And I'm in the bathroom. No, we're definitely alive. This is all very real. Right?

 

Wait, what color is the wall of the house next door? How is it I can see this when I am not even looking?

 

Nevermind that, now, nevermind that. We have to leave. This was a bad place to go. We shouldn't have come here. This is a bad place. Why is it bad? It's not bad. Look at this fucking place. Oh my god. The shit that goes on here. THE SHIT THAT HAPPENS HERE.

 

WHERE IS THE DOOR

[MercenaryChef]

This is well and fucking cute.

But I can recall in 1997 high on mushrooms having gone into the kitchen to grab some Gatorade only to find the black tiles an infinite depth of darkness while the white tiles were a height completely unattainable. I think I was stuck in a black tile at least until Ren and Stimpy was over and my then girlfriend was able to rescue me.

We sorted skittles before trying to find reality in a pile of laundry.

[Manhole Eunuchsbane]

This is well and fucking cute.

But I can recall in 1997 high on mushrooms having gone into the kitchen to grab some Gatorade only to find the black tiles an infinite depth of darkness while the white tiles were a height completely unattainable. I think I was stuck in a black tile at least until Ren and Stimpy was over and my then girlfriend was able to rescue me.

We sorted skittles before trying to find reality in a pile of laundry.

 

 Excellent choice of cartoon for tripping by the by. Can hardly do better.

[Guest]

10/10, would do again, and request Wise Fool as spirit guide

 

The 10/10 is not to be busted out casually, of course, but it feels entirely appropriate here.  Bravo to all involved. 

[Murgle]

This thread tripped me out!! It's like the anti D.A.R.E. Now I want to do drugs and read it again :D

[Wise Fool]

You see, there is a fine line between drug-induced psychosis, and psychosis. When does the trip end and the mental disorder start? That is a fine subject to ponder while on lengthy drug trips. 

 

This thread tripped me out!! It's like the anti D.A.R.E. Now I want to do drugs and read it again :D

Don't do drugs. Here's why:

 

Just because something may or may not be the result of mind altering substances which may or may not be entirely legal does not mean that the best means of generating that something is the use of mind altering substances which may or may not be entirely legal.