Barbarian Snark Thread, Part the Third

[Antonius Pius]

I just wanted to say I love these threads Min. It seems like Ted Rockson is another piece of gold. Please, do keep 'em coming!

If Rona is an exact copy of Eva Braun, does that mean that Rock has the same tastes as Hilter? Or better yet is Rock Hilter reborn?

That would detract from his Ultimate Americanness now, wouldn't it? Unless Hitler was secretely an Ultimate American too.

[MinDonner]

Eventually, even Rock tires of describing festering corpses, and goes back to admiring that mysterious redheaded chick from afar; somehow she can perceive the energy he directs at her even though hundreds of feet separated them. And finally confirmation that this is indeed Rona:

"Von Reisling crawls at her feet," the slave continued. "He licks her shoes. So one of the servants there told me. I believe it. They are all perverted down to the marrow of their black bones. But don't look at her. She is a Nazi goddess. If they even catch you looking - there are worse things than hauling the dead - one can be dead."

But Rockson's attention is still drawn to this woman, though it gives him strange disturbing thoughts which hurt his brain - not only this, but he is still getting weird telepathy shit from the swamps, and almost thinks he can see strange shapesmoving under the muck, as he continues to shovel corpses in.

No gruel tonight, so basically a whole day without food, but this inconveniences Rock not one jot, and he still finds plenty of energy to be angry with the other wussy slaves for their non-Doomsday-Hero-ness.

Suddenly he felt his entire being filled with a revulsion beyond words. That men, his own fellow Americans, should be living in such filth, such stench, that even the lowest animal on earth would not allow itself to sink to! His brain felt like it was going to explode with accumulated rage. He tried to control himself as he felt an erupting explosion of fury rising in his guts and climbing into his chest. But there was no holding back.

"Noooo!!" he screamed out at the top of his lungs, instantly waking every one in the barracks, the slaves bolted up, their eyes wide with fear.

"Noooo!!" Rockson screamed again, his eyes almost brimming with tears.

NOOOOOOOOOO!

At this point, he resorts to beating up a load of slaves, kicking them and spitting at them and chucking them about the room, trying to make them say "I am a man!", like a human tornado (cos that's what tornadoes do). Then it's time for a few more insults:

"You are pigs. You hear me? All of you are worse than the slimiest animal, the lowliest bug that walks the face of this planet. Do you not know what species you are? What have you allowed to be done to yourselves?"

He held the candle to his face.

"This is a man. Not a pig, not a worm. You hear me fools? An American citizen. See? I have two eyes, and arms, and a brain. I do not allow rats to run on my body or roaches to kiss my lips, nor do I shit in my own bed and lie in it. And you won't either. From now, we live like men, all of us, or leave this place."

Like our dear friend Richard Rahl, it looks like Rock is the only guy in the entire country with an ounce of Truth about him; all the rest are just pathetic brainless slobs waiting for a Leader to show them the ways of basic hygiene and (of course) Manhood. Though Foster is still plotting his coup, Rock declares himself the Boss ("Do you got that?" he asks :lmao:), and then makes all the slaves spend the night sluicing out the cabin and having baths, beating up anyone who refuses.

One guy is slightly less faceless than the others, and rather sensibly enquires as to why they should bother, given that they will all be dead soon anyway. Rock approves of this slightly deferential line of questioning, as the moon-rays drop down like burning pins into a voodoo doll (???). The questioner turns out to be a one John Lyons, who may yet turn out to be significant later in the narrative, and is the one slave who sounds halfway civilised. Rock gives some wishy-washy justification about how, er, being Men is important because then the invader only has your body, which may explode at any moment, or some crap.

The other slaves, predictably, dispute this, suggesting that (blasphemy!) it is better NOT to be men, because only Ted Rockson could save them...

But who, WHO is this Ted Rockson, Rockson wonders??? Time for a bit more authorial wanking over the awesomeness of the Doomsday Warrior...

"Rockson is the one man the Russians, and the Nazis, fear," the man said with some pride as if sharing in the Doomsday Warrior's strength just by speaking of him. "He is a Freefighter and has done incredible damage to their armies. He's the most wanted man in America. The Russians have his name and picture, only no-one really knows what he looks like, anyway. They have his description up in every military base in the country. Reward of 100,000 rubles for any man, Red or slave, who finds him and turns him in. He could save us," the man said almost prayerfully, as he looked out the window through narrow tearful eyes at the burning moon above.

There have even been rumours that Rockson has freed slaves and prisoners before, and all the slaves go reverentially silent at the very thought... but they all know that they are so worthless that the Doomsday Warrior would not bother to rescue them......

(.....nah, he'll just come round and beat them up in the middle of the night)

[Voland]

Wow, this is so awesome! Might be the best cheese yet! And to think that there are numerous more books in the same series is almost too much! :bowdown:

Also love that Rona is the reincarnation of an over-idealized Eva Braun. She even mentions that the portrait looks nothing like the mousy Eva Braun she had seen pictures of. :laugh:

I'm just waiting for DickTed to start building a statue!

[MinDonner]

Chapter Eleven, which opens with a bad pornographic dream sequence...

She was kissing him. She was all over him, her naked long-limbed body squirming hard against his as she frantically sought for his manhood. Then he was in her. Her face was so familiar as he looked down at her ecstatic beauty. How incredible she looked, like a goddess. He stroked into her harder and harder. He searched for her name. What was her name? Damnit, why couldn't he remember?

Suddenly he gets a telepathic warning from the Glowers (you may remember these from the opening chapter, these are the telepathic monsters that made all the Nazis get literally consumed by their own nightmares), but not in time to stop him being hit on the head with a hammer. Yes, it's Foster 236, attempting his coup at last.

Apparently the pain of the first blow is as if his spinal cord had been severed (so, no pain at all then?), but Rock wakes up in time to avoid the second strike from the 15-inch-long, 3-inch-wide heavy industrial crafting hammer (Stacy really does love his overly specific descriptions). Not only this, but the hammer blow has done the time-honoured trick of restoring his memory!! (even though it missed his skull and only hit him in his muscly neck, hence the lack of being dead). He remembers that he is the Rockson! Yes, THE Rockson, not just any old Rockson.

Well, it's time for the old hand-push/leg-kick manouvre again, which this time finishes old Foster right off.

His face ripped into the ground, smashing instantly into a pulp, as if he had fallen headfirst from a six story building. His teeth and nose ground back into the face. The cheekbones followed. The eyes were slapped back into their sockets as the bone containers around them cracked into pieces. The body twitched violently, shaking and jerking around the floor like a beached whale. Then, it was still, as the brain's nervous system stopped and the heart and lungs ceased functioning. The bloody dead thing lay in the center of the floor wet with thin stabbing streaks of blood.

Bear in mind that this is merely from being tripped up by Rock. Who knew falling on your face was so dangerous??

Rockson now lets the slaves know who he really is, and decides that right now is the time for a slave uprising. Who's with me??

Lyons is, of course, the first one to step forward (he's just a teenager though), then some other guy who gets misty eyed about the time he was a farmer. Eventually Rock gets 75 out of the 150 slaves (from that particular barracks) on his side; the rest of them prefer the ways of the animal living in its own filth. Of the remaining 5000-odd slaves, not a word is spoken; Rock's plan now is to rescue Rona and then run away.

Luckily all the Nazi guards are really stupid, and don't notice 75 slaves roaming through the compound and taking out the occasional machine-gun tower (Rock hits them with a fist of human steel, pancakes a few noses, that sorta thing). The slaves grab guns, becoming more like men by the second (yes, that's a direct quote :lol:)

Rockson easily makes it up to the 10th floor of Rona's tower before he meets any serious resistance (ie. anyone at all apart from one guard who instantly got his head kicked in). He manages to distract the next batch of guards for a second or two...

But a second or two is the difference between life and death in 2089 A.D. Rockson moved like a streak of lightning, diving right into the midst of them. As he landed, his right foot came up under the groin of the man in front of him, while his fists made contact with two faces. The men dropped to the ground stunned, as the Doomsday Warrior turned in a flash and shot out a kick to the stomach of the fourth who was just raising his sub in a slow arc. The gun exploded as he fell backward vomiting. Rockson pulled himself out of the way, spinning backward in the opposite direction. The shrieking hail of .9 mm slugs bit into the wall across the room and raced up the side, catching the fifth guard, slicing him right up the centre. From his balls up his stomach and chest to the top of his head. A sludge of his innards slopped out like a bloody tidal wave onto the carpeted floor.

Those of you that know guns, is ".9mm" correct? Cos that sounds like some awfully tiny ammo to me...

Anyway, in the next room, there (of course) is Rona, lying naked under some silk sheets, though her boobs pop out when she sits up. :lmao: She leaps up and straddles him, and they give each other a paragraph of infodump before she grabs a convenient Nazi work uniform that has been cleaned and perfumed and had the insignia ripped off, then they're off again.

But outside, the newly-freed slave army is in dismay. Because, approaching them, are five tanks and 100 armed Nazis! What is the Rockson going to do???

[Maltaran]

NOOOOOOOOOO!

Nooooooooooooooo

[Galactus]

Nooooooooooooooo

I was going for

[MinDonner]

Nazis to the left of us, Commies to the right, and here we are, stuck in the middle with Rock. With his loyal slave troops about to get gunned down, will he have a cunning escape plan, or was his "Right, let's have a revolt!" plan as half-arsed as it appeared to be?

Chapter Twelve

Well, Rock is stumped. But! Luckily Rona had heard some Nazis gossipping about a secret escape tunnel in the basement of the tower, so they head back indoors to investigate, finding the secret switch in less than a paragraph. Phew!

The hidden door leads to a shiny tunnel, with some kind of vehicle in it. Rona slips on some oil and falls in, and of course the hatch closes and the vehicle starts moving; Rock manages to grab onto the luggage rack (??) and then cling on (with his hands) as it speeds away down the tunnel.

Oh no! says Rock to himself. All those noble slaves will get killed think I'm a coward for using them as disposable cannon fodder in the rescue-my-girlfriend plan running away like this!

The vehicle covers about 2 miles in 25 seconds, Rock clinging on all the way, but then Rock can't get it to go back where it came from, so he can't go and help his men (damn!). But where are they? Of course, it is the garbage dump by the edge of the swamp, cos that's exactly where a sensible Nazi would build an escape tunnel leading to. And the Nazi troops are already on their way!

Rock takes a brief moment to berate himself for not thinking out this plan a bit more carefully, which is a welcome bit of introspection, but it doesn't last long. There being no time to fight an entire Nazi battallion, he grabs an inflatable raft from the depot, says "Come on Sugar Pie" to Rona, then off they go towards the swamps, "jumping right and left every second or two" to confuse their pursuers. :lol: Then it's time to get into the raft:

"Are we really going out into this stuff?" she asked, looking quite unhappy about the idea. The rising sun was now a red pearl on the tongue of a far off mountain, illuminating the thick rippling green slime with a ghastly pinkish colour. She had never seen anything so uninviting in her entire life.

"Oh Rock" Rona said as she stepped gingerly into the inflated six-foot by four-foot raft. "If I end up drowning in this green mud I'll kill you."

Ha ha!

The Germans start firing randomly into the swamp, but for reasons of general bad-guy incompetence they clearly can't hit a cow's arse with a banjo, and also drive a couple of their cars into the swamp, which sink instantly without trace. Then Rock and Rona are gone into the mists and out of range; Von Reisling shakes his fist and shouts "Damn you!" :lmao: He will get hold of Rock if it's the last thing he does! Because not only did he cause a slave insurrection, he also stole Eva Braun!

Anyway, eventually the raft gets far enough away from the shore for them to be safe... from the Nazis at least. :devil: But there are some things lurking in the swamp! (Rona's face goes even paler than its usual ivory tone) Rock can feel them with his telepathy! They have minds filled with violence! And here they come! (they're kinda drippy)

Rona screamed, and even Rockson's face blanched. He had seen many ugly things in his time - mutations, creatures that shouldn't have existed. But these were beyond anything he could imagine. They were vaguely humanoid, but nearly ten feet tall, and they seemed to be created from the swamp itself, dripping, green figures of pure rot and decay. Their heads, as large as auto tires, seemed featureless, just big mounds of the dripping slime. Their immense arms reached out, towards the raft, the green rot of their being dripped down from them. Their chests were as wide across as the raft itself. They must have possessed enormous strength as they surrounded the raft, effortlessly gliding through the thick mud. They seemed like living trees made of foul mud and excrement. The creatures dripped their own substance back into the swamp, green dankness falling from their faces, arms, sides, dripping down like little waterfalls of decay.

Another cliffhanger! How will Rock get out of this one? There don't seem to be any convenient escape hatches this time.....

[Voland]

I predict a "Graaaatch luuuug Rach arrg"-moment!

[Maithanet]

These Nazi's are really showing the German efficiency that helped them conquer...the world? Or...just large swaths of America? Whatever.

The prisoners are escaping by raft! Do we:

A- Follow them using one of the many remaining rafts.

B- Shoot wildly into the swamp.

C- Drive our non-amphibious vehicles into the swamp.

D- Shake your fists and assume they will be killed by the swamp monsters.

[Lummel]

Another cliffhanger! How will Rock get out of this one? There don't seem to be any convenient escape hatches this time.....

Meh, there is no problem that a writer writes themselves into that they can't write themselves out of, even if, as seems highly probable in this case, they had to go down the shops to get some spiritual uplift first.

He's always got Rona's white nipples to fall back on if needs be.

[MinDonner]

Chapter Thirteen

Unlucky for some? Probably for all of us. But not for Rock! Cos he has super telepathy powers!

"Stop!" The Doomsday Warrior screamed out with all his telepathy powers, his eyes tightly shut, his entire brain focusing on the command.

The dripping piles of filth stopped dead in their tracks, frozen in confusion. None had been able to speak with them before.

His ENTIRE BRAIN? Wow.

The slime-monsters are astonished that a mere human can speak with them telepathically, though most of them still want to eat him. However, the leader would rather have a chat with Rock than eat him, though he does refer to him as "puny human" a few too many times. But what do you talk to green slime creatures about?

"I came to escape from the Nazis," Rock said, searching through his mind for just the right words. He had no idea what they believed or their loyalties, if any, but now was the time, to say the least. All he needed was a political argument and it would be chow time. "We were captured and made into slaves by them. We fight on the side of America. We are Freefighters."

And it turns out that.... the monsters (they are called the Narga) hate Nazis too! Because, about a year ago, they were human slaves who, er, had to work in the swamp and found themselves getting mutated by, er, poisonous swamp stuff, and all turned into cannibal monsters!

Rock continues chatting to the leader, cos apparently he's learned that this is the best way to ingratiate oneself with hordes of barbarians or monsters or whatnot. From this I gather that a very similar sequence to this has taken place in every one of the previous books, just with different monsters every time (at least this saves us the trouble of having to read them). And now the Narga want to be on first-name terms, and all introduce themselves. Their names include... wait for it......

NITROGEN CARNIVORE!

METHANE DEATH!

MONOXIDE BLOOD!

SULPHURIC DEATH!

Pleased to meet you, Mr Carnivore!

Carnivore is the leader, but the others are still feeling peckish, and they really really want to eat Rockson. It's time for him to introduce himself properly...

"I'm Ted Rockson," he telepathed out, once again using all his mental power, sending out a burst that burned like streaking fire through the invisible air-waves. "The Doomsday Warrior."

Phew! He is sooo famous that even the monsters have heard of him! Nitrogen Carnivore orders all the other Narga not to eat them; Rockson notes Carnivore's control over his minions and files it away in his brain marked "Important". (yes, he literally does this).

During all this, Rona has been cowering in the raft, but now she gets to hide against the strength of Rock's chest. Stacy takes pains to assure us that she is actually quite badass, and can fight humans with no trouble, it's just that she gets grossed out by these icky mutants. And soon, as their raft is dragged through the swamp and the Narga all muck about and show off their tree-smashing skills, she starts to feel a deep maternal tenderness towards them. "They're nothing but a bunch of overgrown green teddybears," she says. :lol: Chicks, eh?

Eventually they get to the Nargas' home, which is an island in the middle of the swamp; the Narga there are praying to the god Megapoison, who created them, asking him to let them die. Oh, the pathos!

[Sophelia]

You know, this is the one thread I most missed when the board went down. MG and I were having a bit of fan-gushing over it* in google wave while we were waiting for it to return.

* the appositeness of this book for rolling eyes over, and your dedication and humour in posting these threads.

Very much enjoying this.

Sophie

[Spastic Plastic]

Wow. This book sounds like a real work of art.

[MinDonner]

Chapter Fourteen

...in which some Nazis meet a sticky end

Von Reisling is really pissed off that Rock and Rona Eva Braun have escaped, and dispatches no less than 800 Nazis to try and retrieve them from the swamps. They don't have any rafts, of course, just "webbed footgear" that sounds less than 100% ideal for traversing a swamp of unknown but probably vast depth. We follow two platoons of these Nazis, led by Major Heimlich (who doubtless has some special manouvres*) and Lt. Himmler.

Heimlich has super body-armour and a gas-powered stengun, but still gets nervous at the strange swamp noises; Himmler isn't keen on the parasitic orange blossoms that smell like "fresh sewerage". He also hears strange swamp noises, and worries that it might be some kind of super megapede.

"Just an echo," Himmler explained to his men. "A sound reflection off the mists." But slowly, without any of them noticing, giant green hands ripped out of the fog, pulling stragglers back with them. A quick crunching sound, and nothing. One by one they were taken. Until there was just Himmler left. He felt strange - silence suddenly all around him. He turned. No-one. He ran backward for yards, nearly falling over in the muck. Something around his ankle - he couldn't run. It was tightening and pulling him down. "Oh God no," he screamed out in German, the shrill words echoing out into the brownish grey mist. But nothing heard him die - nothing human anyway.

I am particularly in awe of the sentence structures in that passage, as if the author can ramp up the tension simply by adding in a load of full stops. Sadly not. And really, echoing mist?

Major Heimlich has been similarly careless with his men, whose names rather suggest that Stacy didn't bother to research actual German names before writing this (they include Messrs. Bitsel, Megele, Braunwitz and Bergen-Belson) - only two of them answer when he finally remembers to check up on them. Then something comes towards him out of the mist...

It was a uniform - one of his own men. Why didn't he say something...

Then the commander saw. He didn't say anything because he had no head and the rest of his body had chunks of flesh ripped from it as if a shark had been munching on him. Then he saw it - coming for him from out of the green stalks - looming, reaching for him with its body from hell. He saw its face, its blood red eyes, its open jaw dripping with swamp slime. He screamed as it bit into his shoulder and tore a six-inch section of meat and bone right off him. He fired a clip right into the thing's stomach but it merely made what appeared to be a twisted foaming smile and reached down for him, lifting the Nazi up in a muddy bearhug. This time it took a chunk of meat out of his neck, severing the arteries. A torrent of blood poured out which the swamp monster tried to lick up with dark burning tongue. Somehow it took Heimlich nearly 20 seconds to die. Just enough time to fully experience being eaten alive.

I... I have no words. I can sort of imagine the authors illustrating this themselves as they go along, making the "pyow! pyow! a-a-a-a-a-a!" noises of the gunfire, and then adding in all the blood in red crayon afterwards.

*sorry, couldn't resist :blushing:

[Erik of Hazelfield]

I... I have no words. I can sort of imagine the authors illustrating this themselves as they go along, making the "pyow! pyow! a-a-a-a-a-a!" noises of the gunfire, and then adding in all the blood in red crayon afterwards.

This is the image that keeps popping up in my head.

Edit: Hosting it on my own server instead.

[Sophelia]

I'm more seeing this one.

[Nerdanel]

Behold! The great American cultural hero, Swamp Thing, has come to avenge his own murder like in the comic book origin story, but since this is a Ted Rockson story, everything is TO THE MAX with bigger crowds of murderers and swamp creatures!

The moral of the story: swamps, mysterious chemicals, and dead bodies are a great force for justice that villains should avoid putting together.

[Lord O' Bones]

Dear readers,

You may wonder, while MinDonner is in the magical land of Wales, clearing brush and helping nature and most certainly not reading about Viking Navy SEALS, will there be no Ted Rockson update on this, the day of the most glorious of nation's day of independence from caring who Prince Charles is fucking?

OH YE OF LITTLE FAITH!

Through the power of awesomeness and the indomitable American Spirit, I bring you:

(the following is a product of MinDonner, LLC. In no way is LOB Enterprises responsible or even capable of this level of snark/tolerance for pain)

Chapter Fifteen

Nitrogen Carnivore took off the head of the German soldier he was holding in one hand with a single bite. He crunched the fleshy peanut around in his swampy mouth, cracking it, and then swallowed. Something approximating a smile crossed his green mud face.

...

"These Nazis are the best thing I've eaten in months," Carnivore went on as he chewed off an arm which disappeared down the cauldronous throat, hand last, waving goodbye.

The Nargas' island home is now full of dead Germans, hanging from trees and being cooked over fires, that sort of thing. But merely eating 300 crack Nazi commandos is not enough for Rock - he wants the Narga to come and help him overthrow the fortress and rescue all his slave buddies, because of course they wouldn't have all been gunned down by the guards in the meantime.

Nitrogen Carnivore agrees to help, because his soul is twisted and inside him are forces that wish to destroy, to kill everything, but he can't speak for the rest of the Narga, who are lazily sitting around digesting bits of Nazi and worshipping Megapoison. Eventually, after their various telepathic rituals have shot like a thunderstorm through Rock's mind (?), they agree to go along with him, if only so that they can get more Nazis to eat (they've grown to like the taste of fresh German).

They go in the back way via the garbage dump, where a bunch of idealistic Nazi guards are sitting about, dreaming of Teutonic valour and bewailing the fact that they are stuck guarding a swamp. When the hell would they get to see some action?

His face suddenly changed from animated and firm to a look of the sheerest horror in the space of a second. His mouth dropped open as his eyes focused on the horrors he was seeing coming up the road. The others turned with a start and caught the same frozen expression as if it was a disease. A disease of terror.

Excuse me :lmao:

What does a man do when an army of dead, hideous giants, made out of the foulest mould and slime is coming to kill him? They sat paralyzed in a frieze of blind terror, their heartbeats nearly tripling in seconds, their faces draining of blood. They were about to get their wish to die for the Fatherland - but not in a very heroic way.

The expected carnage happens with Stacy's usual eye for hilariously gruesome yet anatomically suspect detail - the Germans get squeezed until their heart and lungs condense into bloody putty, and spray out of their eyes; they are chomped up by black teeth made of fungus (??); one guy has his stomach sucked out with delight... it's all enormous fun. :shocked: Rockson approves, anyway:

"Carnivore," (Rockson) said, stopping just before the electrified main defense gate, "If I never see you again, thank you. Your name will be known to the descendents of this - someday free America - that you and your people were one of the groups that contributed to our freedom - fought to free others. We are keeping new history records in my city and well, it's not for nothing, I promise you that."

The Narga get through the electric fence with ease, and set off into Goerringgrad bent on nothing less than annihilation! Guards are dismembered and eaten left and right, fingers and eyeballs floating out on a stream of blood; the Nazis end up crying out for their Maters and Paters, which suggests that they are actually posh Englishmen rather than Germans at all. While the monsters are busy snacking, Rock and Rona head off to the slave quarters...

Rock didn't even know what the slaves would do. Most of them were already gone - their brains and hearts little more than withered nonfunctioning organs. But he'd have to try. And so would they. Because they weren't going to have any choice about it.

He tore into the first of the barracks and let loose a volley from his sub which ripped like metal teeth into the soft rotting concrete ceiling.

"Time to go boys. Name's Ted Rockson, you may have heard of me. But I'm here to free your fucking asses whether you want to or not. You, to put it bluntly, no longer have a master. The Nazis are retiring from the slave business as of tonight. Get out of here. Run, into the hills, the mountains. You're on your own now. It's up to you, live or die - as men or beasts."

Back in his old barracks, he is worried that all the slaves would have been killed, but - phew! - the Nazis needed them alive for some reason, so they are all still there. Except for Lyons! He has been taken to be tortured to death over the PA system, and has somehow been holding out for 3 days, even though barely one night seems to have passed since the revolt.

Rona takes out more guards with a grenade, then our two heroes leap over the splattered bits of skull and other dismembered heaps and rushed to rescue Lyons. He's in a pretty bad way, and makes with the "No no, I'm finished, go on without me!" speech, but Rock is having none of this emo bullshit (the kid is just a bit beaten and bruised after all), and gets him back on his feet.

Rockson pulled a Luger from his belt and handed it to Lyons, who took it in trembling hands. It seemed symbolic of his emancipation - a material object that marked a metaphysical transition from savage to human.

"From this day forward," Rock said, as they headed down the corridor to the stairs, "you are no longer a slave, Lyons, but a man. And as a man you'll have to kill the enemies of freedom or be killed. Don't hesitate. They won't." Rock looked the newly liberated man square in the eyes. Freedom was one thing, but keeping it for very long - that was another.

But at the end of the corridor, who should they meet but... Von Reisling! His one good eye is bloodshot and wide as if it were about to burst from its socket.

The two groups - adversaries at the opposite ends of the spectrum of good and evil - stood stock still, frozen in a limbo of hesitation, each side facing down the other. Gunfight at the OK Corral, 2089 AD.

Wait. There's a spectrum of good and evil now? Not just two boxes marked "good" and "evil", and if you're not with us then you're against us? What kind of commie-loving moral-relativistic hippy bullshit is this??

Von Reisling berates Rona for refusing her destiny as a Nazi goddess, then she calls him dickless and effeminate and blows him up with a grenade. But there are more Nazis coming! They are cut off and about to get killed!

"Oh Rock, I want to die holding you!" Rona cried out, and rolled across the hallway floor, slamming into the only man she had ever loved, half pinning him to the wall. Rona glued her lips to Rock's as the Doomsday Warrior half gasped in surprise, a stab of pain going through his shoulder as she pulled him tight, wrapping herself around him like a starfish around an anemone.

Then the Narga turn up and eat all the Nazis. Yay!

*waves star-spangled banner*

Lord O' Bones again: Happy 4th of July! USA! USA! USA!

[kuroishi]

Wow, that chapter really is something :lol:.

It was clearly essential to let the world know about it today, thanks Min and Lord o' Bones!

[Seventh Pup]

I have no words. I am just so fucking proud to be an American. I'm naming my first son Ted Rockson in honor of this most beautiferous celebration of the American Spirit. These colors don't run.