Barbarian snark DOOMSDAY WARRIOR: American Glory!

[Jon AS]

Best guess as to what happens next?

I assume this is the end for Rockson, as Stacy delivers the ultimate plot twist in killing off the "hero", then revealing how he was in fact a deluded, psychopathic terrorist and the noble Russians were perfectly justified in trying to kill him with neutron bombs, collateral damage be damned. Then everyone celebrates that the fiend is dead and America finally turns into the communist paradise it was meant to be.

[Lummel]

several things could happen...

Rockson could use his telepathic powers to destroy the mindbreaker or severe beer deprivation causes one of the australians to explode allowing all the good guys to escape or most likely some new mutant emerges, like the glowers or the swamp things, to save the good guys and squelch all the baddies.

[Maithanet]

Looks like it's time for the negro porters to do what they do best - die for the sake of the plot. I'm sure their heroism will warrant two lines of thoughtful reflection on sacrifice from Rockson before they are forgotten forever.

[jagilki]

The five card playing guards start fighting, Rockson gets a hold of a card and throws it in one of their eyes, somehow decapitating him, then proceeds to kill the other four with his toes?

[MinDonner]

Well, all these guesses are valuable and I suspect equally likely. But in this case, what happens next is a thing we've been missing for the entire book so far - a BAD SEX SCENE.

Yes. Brain-bleach at the ready, ladies and gents, for here we go again.

For no reason at all, Kim is flung into the cell, nearly smashing into the wall, but Rockson catches her in his strong arms!

But weren't they tied behind his back just a second ago, you may be asking yourself? In which case you have been paying far more attention to the continuity than the actual author, who didn't even bother to write in a casual "Rock twisted free from his bonds" or anything. He just forgot about them.

The guards immediately get bored of watching Kim crying, and resume their totally enthralling card game, which will keep them inexplicably preoccupied throughout the entire scene. Free live sex show just on the other side of the bars, between the two most valuable prisoners you've ever captured, who you're supposed to be watching? Nah, must concentrate on cards! I only need Comrade Bun the Baker to win! You'd think at least one of them would have glanced over at some point, but apparently not.

Luckily nobody thought to add Kim's dad to the mix, cos that would have been awkward. Unluckily, this is because he's been strapped to the Mindbreaker for a few days and might be dead. These happy thoughts have the effect of making Kim horny as hell, and she demands that Rock fuck her just one last time.

Without even waiting for an answer, she immediately strips off (her "pear-shaped breasts"(?) are like ripe fruit waiting to be plucked) and goes straight in for the nosh.

Her tongue slid over the swollen shaft as moans of the purest pleasure came softly through her lips, and Rock could smell the perfume of her aroused sex.

The guards make a commotion, but actually they're still just playing cards, so Rock picks her up and goes for the main event. Blah, jackhammer of sensation, blah, dripping with the juices of her ecstatic passion, blah, life-giving fluid rises up and shoots through the huge organ, volcanic eruption of burning lava...

"What the hell is going on here?" a voice screamed out from behind them.

Whoops. It's Killov. Card-playing guards are immediately dragged off to be shot, and now Killov has the evil plan to make Kim watch as Rock is tortured on the Mindbreaker. Also, he is thin, and takes some drugs.

Kim looks on "with adoring glances" as Rock is strapped to the machine and the laser probes are put into place. Then the technician pulls the lever!

[Jon AS]

Okay, I honestly did not expect a sex scene here. Any chance that Rock just proves too badass for the Mindbreaker to break and instead maybe gains some new superpowers he uses to free himself?

[Lord O' Bones]

You know it occurs to me, maybe I'm Ted Rockson and strapped to the mindbreaker right now.

That would totally explain this thread.

[Lummel]

...Whoops. It's Killov. Card-playing guards are immediately dragged off to be shot, and now Killov has the evil plan to make Kim watch as Rock is tortured on the Mindbreaker. Also, he is thin, and takes some drugs. Kim looks on "with adoring glances" as Rock is strapped to the machine and the laser probes are put into place. Then the technician pulls the lever!

Truly fantastic, there's nothing like sex to leave you full of adoration as your sweetheart is strapped into a mind torture machine. Anyhow how how come his obviously superor super sperm hasn't made either of these two young ladies (one with white nipples, the other in a surprise move apparently with long, thin, woody, brown nipples) pregnant?

[Maithanet]

For no reason at all, Kim is flung into the cell, nearly smashing into the wall, but Rockson catches her in his strong arms! But weren't they tied behind his back just a second ago, you may be asking yourself? In which case you have been paying far more attention to the continuity than the actual author, who didn't even bother to write in a casual "Rock twisted free from his bonds" or anything. He just forgot about them.

My theory for this is that Rockson is actually the Green Lantern. His power is that anything that he believes will come true. Think about it (not too hard):

- He refuses to believe or even remember that his bonds exist, and therefore they do not

- A sidearm can take down an attack helicopter

- A flare gun will vanquish a 100 foot sea monster

- When the freefighters are about to be overrun the "Glowers" save them

- Both his girlfriends are caricatures of porn stars, and have no problem that he is a polygamous, racist, violent, useless, idiot

[Rorshach]

Oh, dear me. The tension is truly mindbreaking! Will Ted get out alive???

I'm on the edge of my seat, here!

[KAH]

Kim looks on "with adoring glances" as Rock is strapped to the machine and the laser probes are put into place. Then the technician pulls the lever!

I think Rock will have a Barbarella-and-the-Excessive-Machine moment and just overload the Mindbreaker with his postcoital bliss.

[Antonius Pius]

A Barbarella move to undo the mindbreaker (too much Americanism for a poor old Soviet torture device) would be brilliantly bad.

Truly fantastic, there's nothing like sex to leave you full of adoration as your sweetheart is strapped into a mind torture machine. Anyhow how how come his obviously superor super sperm hasn't made either of these two young ladies (one with white nipples, the other in a surprise move apparently with long, thin, woody, brown nipples) pregnant?

I'm guessing there's a relevant Chuck Norris quote to be cannibalized here, like "Chuck Norris Ted Rockson's semen only impregnates women when he wants it to" or something like that.

[MinDonner]

Much as I would love it if these Barbarella speculations were true - they'd be much more awesome than what's actually written - Chapter Twenty instead confirms one of our guesses from earlier:

Looks like it's time for the negro porters to do what they do best - die for the sake of the plot.

BAM!

The first explosion knocked the Mindbreaking headglobe from atop Rock's skull, sending it flying to the white linoleum where it smashed to pieces. The second explosion pushed the heavy chair he was strapped into over onto the floor, as Killov and his henchmen were likewise thrown down flat on their faces.

All the porters charge in, this time dressed in black and heavily armed, moving "with the speed of trained fighters". Yes, somehow, in between portering shifts, they've managed to sekritly train themselves in the use of submachine guns and conveniently directional explosives, enough to infiltrate the main Russian military HQ with apparently no trouble whatsoever. Who needs giant octopoids anyway?

Rufus quickly cuts Rock free, then dashes off to help his men lay more explosives all around the building to blow it up, leaving Killov to be dealt with by Rockson himself, in the four minutes thirty seven seconds remaining before Octagon go boom.

"Believe me, and I speak for all of us, Mr Rockson. It's an honour to work alongside a man like you. You give us all hope in these dark, dark times." He released Rock's hand and looked over at the dozen or so KGB'ers cowering on the floor and their master Killov trying to squirm behind a table.

C'mon Rock. Are you going to kill Killov once and for all? Evil wants-to-destroy-the-world guy who enslaves your countrymen and (worse!) tortures your girlfriend? Or are you going to...

He reached down, grabbed Killov by the collar, and lifted him up like a rag doll. With the KGB leader frantically struggling like some trapped rodent, Rockson carried him over to one of the Mindbreakers that still seemed to be in working condition and threw the man down in the seat, immediately pulling the headpiece down.

It's not torture if we do it! But in any case, the electricity doesn't work cos of all the explosions, and Rock only has 3 minutes left - no time to play around with this fool. Killov tells him that the Prez is being held four doors down the corridor, and he hasn't yet been Mindbroken, but they'll have to hurry... NOW will you kill the guy, Ted? (even Kim demands this)

...the Doomsday Warrior extracted one of the little packets of plastique from the backpack Rufus had given him and set the timer for five seconds.

"Bye-bye, boys," he said, throwing it through the doorway and slamming the thick metal door behind him.

:bang:

Both he and Kim have guns! They couldn't have taken just a couple of seconds to shoot their arch enemy? But nooooo. Of course there's an outside chance that this half-arsed bomb-chucking may have successfully dispatched the main villain off-camera..... :lmao: ...yeah.

Anyway, they find Charles Langford, but - shock! - Killov was lying about the lack of Mindbreaking, and he's now a drooling vegetable. Still, they carry him out, while Kim chucks plastique around like grenades and blows up various DeathShirts as they go. Now, I'm no explosives expert, so this might be a valid use of plastic explosives; maybe it really does come in handy anti-personnel-sized chunks with timers you can quickly set for 2 seconds before throwing at people. But I suspect that this may not be quite how it works.

Rock and Kim and what's left of Langford make it outside, when the whole building blows up - clearly the porters were well trained in demolition as well as haute cuisine, and managed to successfully lay all charges while being attacked by countless Russians. BOOM! Then Freefighters and porters get into a truck and drive away into the night.

But wait...

Like the opening of a horror movie of the days before the Great War, a hand wriggled up through a covering of black ash, the fingers moving slowly as if trying to grab hold of something. Then the arm broke free. Like a corpse rising from its grave, digging itself free of its own resting place, a body covered in thick gray ash clawed its way out of the earth.

In the least surprising twist ever, it's Killov, who somehow managed to escape out the back way before getting blown up at any point. His leg is broken but he is alive! ALIVE! And still able to - seriously - shake a fist at the sky and swear a vow of obedience to Death the Destroyer. This actually happens. That's where Communism gets you, kids. Just say no!

[Datepalm]

Mindbreaking headglobe

Custom title, anyone?

[Lummel]

...and he's now a drooling vegetable...

ah...the perfect President.

[MinDonner]

Chapter Twenty-one. Last chapter alert! But before we begin, I'd just like to share with you the back cover blurb:

FREEDOM'S FIGHT

America lies in ruins, the victim of a Russian thermonuclear first strike. Invaded and occupied by the Soviets, the US has become a slave state repeatedly raped and plundered by its Red overlords.

But there are those who refuse to knuckle under to Russia's rule - those who will fight, and die, for freedom. Led by Ted Rockson, the ultimate soldier of survival, these FreeFighters have vowed to drive these hated Russians into the sea. And with the vicious KGB and Soviet Army locked in a power struggle, Rockson and his FreeFighters are about to strike - at the very heart of the Red empire: Washington DC. In a perilous trek across a shattered nation, Rockson leads a daring raid that signals the bloody start of the second War of Independence:

Some interesting things here - I love the fact that even the publishers have so little respect for the "continuity" that they are almost pretending this is a standalone and summarising the whole backstory yet again. And that stray colon right at the end is pretty special too (no, it doesn't lead to anything else below!). But best of all is the dubious abridgement of the plot. It's like this is the story they were hoping Stacy would write - bad guy factions at war! Heroic military leader launches deadly surgical strike against enemy HQ! - and completely ignoring what they actually got, ie. gung-ho moron spends half the book attacking the wrong fortress with some giant octopuses and a pack of drunken Aussies, then hops on a train to rescue his girlfriend, is promptly captured, then gets rescued by some slaves he forgot to free. Oh yeah, and the enemy-vs-enemy war consisted of two pages of red dots turning blue. <_<

ANYWAYS. Despite having just blown up the entire Russian military headquarters in the middle of the occupied capital, everyone makes it back to the Silver Bullet express undetected. Rock humbly thanks Rufus for saving everybody and incidentally being a far more effective military commander than Rock himself; Rufus's response is so appalling that I just have to present the whole thing:

"Forget it, Rockson," Rufus said, standing inches taller than he had when acting out his "nigger" role as servant on the train. "Man's gotta make decisions about his life - and we all decided there wasn't many more important things than saving the President of the United States - and Ted Rockson. If the Reds had killed both of you - well, there wouldn't have been a hell of a lot of hope left in this land. And hope - that's what a man needs, even more than food and water."

Oh yeah. Despite being highly trained fighters and infiltrators, the only thing worth risking their lives for was when some important white dudes were in trouble. Or, in fact, one important white dude, cos no-one bothered to rescue poor Langford before he got his brain wiped. Must make sure Incompetent Ted stays alive though!

Detroit expresses concern that Rufus n co will no longer be able to work as porters, what with their disguise being blown and all, but Rufus assures him that, because the Russians think all black guys look alike, they won't be recognised, so they can carry on spying. Yep, cos that's how it works. As opposed to everyone being rounded up and shot on suspicion of looking like the terrorists.

Rufus heads off "to read some Dostoevsky", then the Silver Bullet shoots out of town like a snake with its ass on fire (yes). Kim is banished to the sleeping car to look after President Vegetable, because now Rock has to find a way to fight off the pursuing Russians.

But what's this? In one of the carriages, one of the Aussies finds a load of anti-aircraft missiles! Well there's a stroke of luck. Reston has just spotted a bunch of somethings coming on the radar, so Detroit and McCaughlin try to figure out how to use this convenient weaponry while the Aussies finish off the Russian beer.

Blah, brief firefight, one of the carriages gets hit taking out "Ashton and Douglas" and some nameless Aussies... *flips back* ...ah, our two unfortunates were the "Mindbreaker experts" who turned out to have no other purpose in the book. Then, all enemy helicopters get blown up, with a half-arsed mention of all the predators emerging from the woods to feast on their bloody remains, but the train is too buggered to continue, so it's back on the horses and camels.

The Aussies, however, have had enough of being in this story, so it's time for them all to part ways - they make some excuses about having run out of beer, but I suspect they're just heading home, where it's safer.

Rock watches them go, gives Kim a hug, then ponders for a brief moment about a future where America is free once again.

THE END.

[KAH]

In one of the carriages, one of the Aussies finds a load of anti-aircraft missiles!

Typical Soviet incompetence - always preparing to fight the last war.

No doubt next time Rock will find a load of anti-Octopus missiles, to fight off the Mind-controlled Soviet mutant beasts coming in hot pursuit...

[MinDonner]

Well, chaps and chapesses, now that this book is done with, is there any interest in moving on to book 8? I mean we pretty much know what's gonna be in it, but I'm quite happy to continue if there's demand.

[Lummel]

I felt this one was a bit short, but then they all are I suppose. Does the next one come before or was the last one the most recent? I'm totally adrift in the timeline of the doomsday world.

Somehow I don't think a mere barbarian novel would be quite the same after this.

[MinDonner]

Somehow I don't think a mere barbarian novel would be quite the same after this.

This was my thinking. I do have another Thongor kicking around somewhere, courtesy of the magnificent Bookbuyers of Mountain View, as well as the few pulpy SF paperbacks that got voted down on the shortlists before Rockson came along, so if people would rather a break from this nonsense there are many options, but I do suspect that nothing else will quite match up after the works of Ryder Stacy.

Regarding chronology, the only out-of-sequence book we had was the very first outing (Eva Braun! Memory loss! Swamp monsters!), which was actually book 6. So the series so far has been:

6 - American Rebellion (as above)

2 - Red America (Barbarahs, storming the Mindbreaker fortress, Rock meets Kim)

3 - The Last American (the ReConstitutional Convention! Megapedes, Charlie Whiskers and hiding from a bomb behind a rock)

4 - Bloody America (jazz power in the Moskva sewers)

5 - America's Last Declaration (French panther women and Nazi attack)

7 - American Defiance (Aussies, Octopoids and super porters).

8 would be AMERICAN GLORY, though the back cover gives no real hint of what horrors may lie within, as it's the usual crap about "America was conquered by the Commies! Ted Rockson is a supersoldier! Oh and btw the KGB and Red Army are fighting each other so it's time to strike".