Andrew Gilfellon Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Just for fun, a blunt explanation of authors books. There's one for Malazan in the don't understand the love thread. Feel free to add. The Prince of Nothing by R SCOTT BAKKER. There was an Apocalypse 2000 years ago caused by a coffin in a tornado that destroyed the world. There's a prophecy about the chosen one who will return to save the world. There is an ancient order of wizards whose sole purpose is to watch for the return and spy on the evil guys. The bad guys have massive penises that shoot black semen. If you hate that women have equal rights you're going to love the professions the women have in this book. The chosen one is an ass who makes the world his womb. It has Cnaiur. THE FIRST LAW by JOE ABERCROMBIE.Remember David Eddings? This is like that but better. There are two nations that don't like each other. Gandalf has attitude and Saroman is quite reasonable. The torturer will happily cut your nipples off but draws the line at kicking puppies. Dusty cannibals. A feisty women who doesn't need the love of a strong man to show her the way. The barbarians have soul. Jezel's chin really is quite magnificent. The Demon Cycle by PETER V BRETTIt has demons and half naked women. Arab counterparts where rape is a rite of passage. I feel like we're supposed to like the female protagonists but I could be wrong. SWORD OF TRUTH by TERRY GOODKIND.If this was an animated series it would have been hentai porn. You're not a hero until you kick a child in the face. Chickens are evil. Despite being in a made up world with magic and made up names this is most definitely not fantasy. Or, if you're not the author and not deluded, it most definitely is fantasy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sologdin Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 LotR - setting-dispositive numinous object very reasonably entrusted to the care of bucolic virgin.WoT - bucolic virgins very reasonably selected to lead world war against satan.foundation - bucolic virgin engineers very reasonably expect to save galaxy from millennium of civil war.ender's game - one bucolic virgin very reasonably tasked to defeat alien invasion whereas another takes over internet from parents' basement.hunger games - bucolic virgin leads revolution on reality television.thunderdome - wasteland drifter defeats evil bucolic virgin and thereby saves entire town. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richard Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 yeah, what is it with those fucking bucolic virgins.............? First time I'd ever noticed (though I think you're stretching it with Thunderdome :-).) Thanks for the insight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EruditeFool Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 SWORD OF TRUTH by TERRY GOODKIND. If this was an animated series it would have been hentai porn. You're not a hero until you kick a child in the face. Chickens are evil. Despite being in a made up world with magic and made up names this is most definitely not fantasy. Or, if you're not the author and not deluded, it most definitely is fantasy. Isn't that a redundant redundancy? :shocked: Anyway, Where the Red Fern Grows: A dog dies Old Yeller: A dog dies Notre Dame de Paris: The streets of Paris, a detailed layout... and somewhere there's a story of a priest, a gypsy, and a hunchback. Eye of Argon: "Take hold of this rope," said the first soldier, "and climb out from your pit, slut. Your presence is requested in another far deeper hell hole." Grignr slipped his right hand to his thigh, concealing a small opaque object beneath the folds of the g-string wrapped about his waist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SkynJay Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 This thread was made for Sologdin. Just let him post the first line of every review on Goodreads Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DanteGabriel Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 This kinda reminds me of "Uncomfortable Plot Summaries" -- which was more movie-focused, but also got some good digs on books (every Gaiman book is summarized as "Misfit discovers s/he is a special person in secret world just beside our own.") Some highlights: 300: Gays kill blacks.BATMAN: Wealthy man assaults the mentally ill.HARRY POTTER: Celebrity Jock thinks rules don’t apply to him, is right.LORD OF THE RINGS: Midget destroys stolen property.STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE: Religious extremist terrorists destroy government installation, killing thousands. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polishgenius Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Someone do Vellum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sologdin Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Just let him post the first line of every review on Goodreads hahaha I can pop a few: hyperion II - https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/691152367 end of eternity - https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/462369635 legend - https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/637322432 lord of light - https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/654589141 moon is a harsh mistress - https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/447969199 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anatúrinbor Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 My favorite of Solo's is the review of Stephen King's It. https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/175670571 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SkynJay Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 That legend one was my favorite 'nutshell' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
all swedes are racist Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Wise mans fear: bucolic virgin great at everything, including losing bucolic virginity Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Reckoner Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Someone do Malaz. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EruditeFool Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Jane Austen: Family of sisters is going to eventually lose their estate to distant male relative due to male-favored inheritance laws. They set about looking for husbands. Many things are not what they seem, some men are charismatic scumbags, some are pleasant fellows, and others are brooding men who are totally worth getting. In the end at least two of the sisters get a husband from the second and the third category. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrew Gilfellon Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 Malazan Book of the Fallen by Steven Erikson These guys formed an Empire 100 years ago then this other girl killed them and changed her name because she now rules Empire. Original guys only pretend to be dead and instead travel through a magical realm that allows them to have God like powers and to go anywhere really fast. There is a guy who broods with a big sword filled with angst. A guy named Traveller because he likes to travel and also has angst. Dinosaurs who may or may not have opposable thumbs. A God who is considered evil and does evil things but the good guys want to help him anyways because they're good. A race that is bendable like Stretch Armstrong. A fat person who rides a donkey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sologdin Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 hamlet - entitled aristocrat murders entire household because ghost. macbeth - entitled aristocrat murders entire household because witch. othello - entitled aristocrat murders entire household because handkerchief. lear - entitled aristocrat murders entire household because sulfurous pit. R&J - entitled aristocrats murder entire household because bucolic virgins. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jo498 Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 There are more urban than bucolic in R&J, otherwise precise precis. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
all swedes are racist Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Someone do Malaz.How aboutEmbittered and jaded veterans grunt and glare at each other, against backdrop of a cosmic Magic The Gathering tournament. Thousands die. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Reckoner Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Not bad, not bad at all. Malaz: Embittered and jaded veterans spend six books making it up as they go along; then the author gets a sponsorship from Prozac. Something about the lovespawn of xenomorphs, rexes and raptors. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Talleyrand Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 300: A tale of fighting for democracy and freedom told from the point of view of the Fascist Paedo 1% rather than their democratic neighbours Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pilusmagnus Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 hamlet - entitled aristocrat murders entire household because ghost. macbeth - entitled aristocrat murders entire household because witch. othello - entitled aristocrat murders entire household because handkerchief. lear - entitled aristocrat murders entire household because sulfurous pit. R&J - entitled aristocrats murder entire household because bucolic virgins. Richard III : Entitled aristocrat murders entire household because. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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