Facing the prospect that I won't have my own children

[Quorra]

When I was 28 I had recently broken up with my fiancee and didn't date for three years. I thought I'd never meet anyone. I'm now 44 I've been married 13 years. We have an 11 year old daughter and an 8 year old son. My wife is 43.

Don't give up hope.

That's such a happy story and I'll keep it in mind.

[TerraPrime]

[mod hat]

Let's keep personal and possibly creepy things out of the public eye.

Thanks.

[/mod hat]

[Angalin]

ah, don't be!

Your experience was a wake up call. The pain you felt, maybe still feel, shows what a powerful dream this has been of yours. But we can now say that the rules you have set out: "to start a family which is in a committed monogamous loving relationship" are rules that you have laid down for yourself, the pain you felt show how deeply you have committed to them and how far they are at variance to your current situation.

So what to do now? You can stick with your original dream, change nothing in your life, and run the risk of further pain. Or you can become awake, be aware of yourself and what you want. Be with yourself - with your gut feelings, feel that dream and scrutinise it. Know your gut feelings - that's the important stuff because we might be unconscious of all those judgements and opinions that we bring as assumptions to any conscious thought we have. You are the one who can give yourself permission to change the rules you've made for yourself. You are the one who can challenge the assumptions that you have that have led you to shape your dream in the way you have.

I mean you say "I just thought a father figure would be essential for me personally not to screw it up" - that's a pretty negative view to have of yourself, it's also a hell of a burden to lay on the putative father figure!

Be easy on your self, we're all in the same boat, trying to make our way through life, be happy, facing upset because things don't work out the way we'd have liked. Perhaps you'll have some gut reactions to some of the stories others have shared that might help clarify things for you :)

The zen master comes out, rather than the UK-politics-slashfic meister. Nice post. :)

This is important to consider, that no matter the oversimplified outward summary of one's life (i.e. kids and no regrets vs. no kids & regrets vs. ...so on...) - there are multiple conflicting states of being in each outcome. I suppose it speaks to the role of intentional perception in life. Perception becomes reality in determining how satisfied I can be with whatever happens.

At 3am, lining up another laundry basket of puked-on sheets, it's all existential crises.

I had an unhappy childhood - sort of - I was obliviously happy until about age 6-7. I feel like I got enough to understand what would have completed the happy childhood had things been different for me. I had this consolation that I would make it up to the universe by doing my best to give someone else a real honest attempt at a decent childhood into teenhood into being a good person. I wanted to try to be a good parent for a couple of siblings.

If what you want is to be that kind, competent, caring adult to a kid who needs one, as I mentioned earlier, there are lots of kids out there who need a Big Sister or fostering, and that's something you can do right now while pondering the rest.

And I wanted to quote the person who said I shouldn't put so much pressure on the father figure to complete me as a mother figure. It's something to consider - this idea that I could have too much riding on the idea of having a family. If I committed to a man and we raised kids together, I'd just be one element in that and there'd be so much out of my control - I may not be considering that.

If you want someone to complete you, get a dog. Seriously. People are way too human to cope with that kind of pressure. Relying on someone else, a partner or a kid, or even a job, to make you happy is riding for heartbreak.

Hell, there's a woman in Germany who is having one stage 65.

That's the most tiring thing I've heard all day.

[Tears of Lys]

If you don't mind my asking, Quorra, did your parents divorce when you were around six?

[Morrigan's Raven]

Do you think??

I'm going to get a bit testy, here. You still have a uterus, damn it. You didn't all of a sudden wake up one day with uncontrollable bleeding that lasted for months, only to end up in the emergency room for blood transfusions, and multiple surgeries and medications resulted in complete failure. Failure being defined as "still bleeding blot clots the size of lemons and the only option that can buy you a few months to decide on total hysterectomy is chemical menopause. And that's only a few months of chemical menopause."

I was 39. I had one wonderful child and never wanted another, but the ridiculous weird kind of pain that happens when I'm at the OB/GYN and they ask "when was the date of your last menstrual period?"

And I say "February 11, 2014. And it didn't stop until my hysterectomy in April."

Bitch nurses.

I had to make a decision like this. I've a progressive neurological disorder, and was losing control of my legs and bladder. There was a treatment, lots of radiation involved, right over my ovaries. I chose the treatment, and yes, sometimes wish things were different. It was the right choice though; I have a difficult time living the life I have; no extra fuel in the tank for homework and shopping, etc.

[Lyanna Stark]

Here I thought 28 for becoming a parent was extremely young these days. I hadn't even considered kids at 28 and didn't think I'd had any on account of seeing myself as a poor parent (I still do) and since I had an extreme phobia of giving birth. So, why the panic?

At 3am, lining up another laundry basket of puked-on sheets, it's all existential crises.

LOL completely this.

[Mish Windage]

If you don't mind my asking, Quorra, did your parents divorce when you were around six?

Curious what you're getting at. I was seven myself. Is there some known thing going on?

[Quorra]

I think if they had divorced when I was six, we'd be better off. They officially divorced when I was 15.

28 is young, I know. But my doctor told me that I would probably have trouble conceiving naturally becuase I basically only have 1 working ovary due to cysts on the other one that have malformed it into a wad of scar tissue, amongst other issues I have with my body not to get too graphic, I might want to consider the possibility that I'd need to undergo fertility treatments which might prolong the process. And he said "Women often have an unrealistic expectation that it is always easy to conceive"

I previously had this casual, "I'm not even ready to think about it yet, it'll just happen one day when it happens, lah-dee-dah" mindset and in addition I didn't even want a boyfriend anyway. My plan was to be done with the concept of serious relationships for a few years just to date and have fun. I just got a job that made me move. I might seek another and move again in 5 years.

But then this reared up on me like maybe I should start thinking about it. Like maybe I might not have so much time. Like if I meet some guy I may want to lock it down and explain the situation to him.

[Angalin]

I think if they had divorced when I was six, we'd be better off. They officially divorced when I was 15.

28 is young, I know. But my doctor told me that I would probably have trouble conceiving naturally becuase I basically only have 1 working ovary due to cysts on the other one that have malformed it into a wad of scar tissue, amongst other issues I have with my body not to get too graphic, I might want to consider the possibility that I'd need to undergo fertility treatments which might prolong the process. And he said "Women often have an unrealistic expectation that it is always easy to conceive"

I know one person who got pregnant three times off one ovary. Even one has a lot of eggs waiting to hatch. Your doctor may think he's been helpful and informative, but from here he sounds like a patronizing jerk. For your sake, I hope it's better than that.

It's all in "how far do you want science to go". And "how much are you willing to pay".

Yup.

[Kelli Fury]

Also, being childless gets an undeserved bad rap. I am turning 32 soon and I have money and I go on vacations and I have a demanding career, ALL WHILE NEVER GETTING UP BEFORE 9:30. On days off, I stay in bed until noon. I do dangerous things like mess around with untrained horses and operate heavy machinery and am irresponsible with fireworks, nobody relies on my safety, nobody is badly influenced by my swearing or ridiculous behavior. If I want to stay out all night, I don't have to plan ahead. Let me tell you, it is fantastic. And the absolute best part is that I don't have any inlaws harping at me to bring my kid to them for holidays instead of my family's.

[Tears of Lys]

Curious what you're getting at. I was seven myself. Is there some known thing going on?

I wasn't getting at anything, actually! The idea just popped into my head when Quorra said that she was happy until she was around six or seven, and then she said something to the effect of how she yearned to raise up a young'un to have a happy life. (or words to that effect.)

That kinda led my busy little brain into putting two and two together and getting 14.

Sometimes we humans long to fix things we think went wrong somehow in our own lives through our kids - a natural and loving urge. But life has a way of messing with us and it somehow never turns out as we planned.

I do wish Quorra all the best and hope her fondest dreams come true.

[scotcat]

I can definitely sympathise with the OP, as I am in a very similar situation myself - only at 33 I'm a bit older than she is.

I am single - have been for quite some time - and I'm slowly coming to the realisation that a child/children of my own just isn't likely. Female fertility drops like a stone at 35, and both my mother and my paternal grandmother were years before managing to conceive, so the odds really are not in my favour. The past year has been a difficult one as I've wrestled with this and, I won't lie, it's caused me a lot of pain.

For me, I've decided the best thing is to stop hoping for something that is looking further away than ever and focus on a career and what I do have in my life - namely that I have no major health issues and I'm an auntie to 4 beautiful nieces, 2 handsome nephews and another baby (gender unknown at the moment) will be coming along in October.

If my personal circumstances changed, it would be wonderful but I'm not making it a priority anymore. I just can't do it.

[Filippa Eilhart]

Female fertility drops like a stone at 35

Apparently that's not strictly true.

The widely cited statistic that one in three women ages 35 to 39 will not be pregnant after a year of trying, for instance, is based on an article published in 2004 in the journal Human Reproduction. Rarely mentioned is the source of the data: French birth records from 1670 to 1830. The chance of remaining childless—30 percent—was also calculated based on historical populations.

Surprisingly few well-designed studies of female age and natural fertility include women born in the 20th century—but those that do tend to paint a more optimistic picture. One study, published in Obstetrics & Gynecology in 2004 and headed by David Dunson (now of Duke University), examined the chances of pregnancy among 770 European women. It found that with sex at least twice a week, 82 percent of 35-to-39-year-old women conceive within a year, compared with 86 percent of 27-to-34-year-olds.

[scotcat]

There must be at least some element of truth to it, as you hear this a hell of a lot. Many women, in Scotland at least, are asked when they to to see a doctor about their fertility is whether or not they are over 35.

But there are exceptions - my step-sister had her 1st child at 41 and had no bother at all conceiving. Yet a friend of mine (we are the same age) spent 5 years trying to conceive - they now have a 2 year old daughter - but they had a very rough road. Her doctor told her the same thing about women 35 & over.

[Filippa Eilhart]

You hear a lot of things a lot, it doesn't mean they're true :) I don't claim to be any kind of an expert, I just found the article and its finding interesting.

eta:

some more links if you're interested:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/posteverything/wp/2014/07/22/no-womens-fertility-doesnt-drop-off-a-cliff-at-35/

http://journals.lww.com/greenjournal/Fulltext/2004/01000/Increased_Infertility_With_Age_in_Men_and_Women.10.aspxYoublacklove

[scotcat]

Thanks. :)

[DreamSongs]

You can't judge what applies to you until you are actively attempting to conceive. The human body is a miraculous creation and has ways of circumventing problems on its own. If one ovary isn't working, the other will. I really think that you are too young to be putting yourself under all of this unnecessary pressure. I again urge you to find a physician that is up to date on women's health.

[Quorra]

You hear a lot of things a lot, it doesn't mean they're true :) I don't claim to be any kind of an expert, I just found the article and its finding interesting.

eta:

some more links if you're interested:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/posteverything/wp/2014/07/22/no-womens-fertility-doesnt-drop-off-a-cliff-at-35/

http://journals.lww.com/greenjournal/Fulltext/2004/01000/Increased_Infertility_With_Age_in_Men_and_Women.10.aspxYoublacklove

You are amazing! Thank you.

[Quorra]

You can't judge what applies to you until you are actively attempting to conceive. The human body is a miraculous creation and has ways of circumventing problems on its own. If one ovary isn't working, the other will. I really think that you are too young to be putting yourself under all of this unnecessary pressure. I again urge you to find a physician that is up to date on women's health.

I think that might be a good idea. This gynecologist has glamour shots of his hideous family and kids all over the office, too. I could do without seeing those again. :stillsick: I'm talking huge, professional, air-brushed studio shots.

[Larry of the Lawn]

I think that might be a good idea. This gynecologist has glamour shots of his hideous family and kids all over the office, too. I could do without seeing those again. :stillsick: I'm talking huge, professional, air-brushed studio shots.

That sounds like a dealbreaker right there, or at least a good reason to see what other docs are out there. Do they look like the Romneys? About the adoption thing, its a lot of paperwork but it was a pretty straightforward yet insane process for my dad and his wife, they adopted twice from china, 2001 and 2003, and Guatemala in 2008. I can give you more info if you PM me.