DreamSongs Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Quorra, I am a 47 year old diabetic that has neither children nor have I ever been married. And I did not give up on the idea of having a family until I was 45. Unless there is some dramatic health condition, you have PLENTY of time to find the right person and build a life together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DreamSongs Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 And I would recommend a new doctor that isn't living in the 1950's. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maithanet Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I think maybe we should change the title of this thread to "facing the prospect that I need to find a new doctor" 28 is really young, don't sweat it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quorra Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 I might have a tendency to become dramatic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
S John Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I'd also point out that it can make for a really toxic world view to consider, for yourself, not getting married and reproducing by a certain age cut-off is a "failure." It's not a good way to, imo, to go about assessing the value of your life. Seriously. So, so, so many complete fuck-ups have managed to have kids. Simply having one is not an accomplishment. Its the raising them part that is important. Having a kid just for the sake of having one by x age is not something I would advise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Pepper Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I think your doc was being overly dramatic about it. As Nestor mentioned, 35 is the line for "high-risk" pregnancies, and even then the majority of child births take place without much ado. I'd also point out that it can make for a really toxic world view to consider, for yourself, not getting married and reproducing by a certain age cut-off is a "failure." It's not a good way to, imo, to go about assessing the value of your life. Seriously. So, so, so many complete fuck-ups have managed to have kids. Simply having one is not an accomplishment. Its the raising them part that is important. Having a kid just for the sake of having one by x age is not something I would advise. Just to tack on to these two comments...it's also probably not the healthiest to think that one's ability to find future happiness ends when one has a child. Just as family can grow and evolve after finding a partner, so can it grow and evolve after having a child. It doesn't have to happen in a specific order. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angalin Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be judgmental. It's an idea I had of a family, meaning, I don't have to do it on my own. My aversion to single motherhood is of the burden of responsibility and of being the only parent. I want the multiple relationships of a family consisting of more than caregiver and child. I am taking a lot for granted and being whiny. I want it known I'm admitting that now. You're right. I do have options that I should be grateful for and I should stop stubbornly insisting that life is over just because I might not get exactly what I thought I wanted. I had to take some time to answer this, because I didn't want to straight-up yell at you. First up: your doctor has a bit of a point - it is harder to get pregnant as you get older - but needs to go back to tact school. Secondly, if you're serious about pregnancy, quit smoking and start taking folic acid. There are people who'll say you should have a kid first and find a partner later; there are people who can't imagine having children outside of a committed relationship or marriage; there are people who want to have kids and can't; there are people who don't want them and have them. If you want to be a parent, work it out for yourself then parent your kid(s) when you have them. All possible dating advice is in the dating thread; you can read that there. My family consists of me, my children and a whack of other people both related by blood and not. They're people I've known all my life and others I've met along the way. Some of them my children have never met in person; that doesn't matter. Some of them, I'm proud and honoured to say, are members of this board. Thinking that a family must mean a father, a mother and X number of children is terribly limiting both to your own options and to how other people's families are given value in the world. We're worth more than that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quorra Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 Quorra, I am a 47 year old diabetic that has neither children nor have I ever been married. And I did not give up on the idea of having a family until I was 45. Unless there is some dramatic health condition, you have PLENTY of time to find the right person and build a life together. Past age 35, what was your plan, and why at age 45 did you give up? How do you feel about this? Were you advised, due to diabetes, against having children? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quorra Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 I had to take some time to answer this, because I didn't want to straight-up yell at you. First up: your doctor has a bit of a point - it is harder to get pregnant as you get older - but needs to go back to tact school. Secondly, if you're serious about pregnancy, quit smoking and start taking folic acid. There are people who'll say you should have a kid first and find a partner later; there are people who can't imagine having children outside of a committed relationship or marriage; there are people who want to have kids and can't; there are people who don't want them and have them. If you want to be a parent, work it out for yourself then parent your kid(s) when you have them. All possible dating advice is in the dating thread; you can read that there. My family consists of me, my children and a whack of other people both related by blood and not. They're people I've known all my life and others I've met along the way. Some of them my children have never met in person; that doesn't matter. Some of them, I'm proud and honoured to say, are members of this board. Thinking that a family must mean a father, a mother and X number of children is terribly limiting both to your own options and to how other people's families are given value in the world. We're worth more than that. I'm afraid that not doing it the "right" way will be...wrong somehow. I know, intellectually, and from real-life examples, that it isn't always a disaster when people have children alone, or without other people to help them. I just have a gut feeling - and my guts could very well have shit for brains - but it's a gut feeling I have trouble intellectually and emotionally overcoming, that there is the best way to start a family which is in a committed monogamous loving relationship. I don't care if the marriage happens at all, I just thought a father figure would be essential for me personally not to screw it up. I know that I know nothing and I honestly do not want to offend anyone. But even those so confident in their lives, haven't you ever had doubts? Not that your doubts confirm my fears but it makes me feel better to think that other people were afraid or hesitant and still found a way to have a family and make it a good, solid, loving one. Or even to know that some people did actually want a family, never got to have one, and it made them sad about it. That just sounds realistic, as a possibility. Staunch optimism always seems so suspect. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quorra Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 I'm kind of ashamed of this topic now. I'm sorry, everybody. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mish Windage Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 My mom had me in her middle 40's. I didn't feel like I missed out on much... Really... I had a more stable human as my parental unit than many of my peers with younger mothers. My boss (a male though) had his first and only child in his lower 50's. There's still time. Alot can happen in a VERY short span of time. Never know what tomorrow may bring. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Pepper Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I'm kind of ashamed of this topic now. I'm sorry, everybody. There really isn't any reason to be ashamed. As you can see, both men and women experience this sort of situation. Often, women just go through it earlier simply due to biological realities. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angalin Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I'm afraid that not doing it the "right" way will be...wrong somehow. I know, intellectually, and from real-life examples, that it isn't always a disaster when people have children alone, or without other people to help them. I just have a gut feeling - and my guts could very well have shit for brains - but it's a gut feeling I have trouble intellectually and emotionally overcoming, that there is the best way to start a family which is in a committed monogamous loving relationship. I don't care if the marriage happens at all, I just thought a father figure would be essential for me personally not to screw it up. I know that I know nothing and I honestly do not want to offend anyone. But even those so confident in their lives, haven't you ever had doubts? Not that your doubts confirm my fears but it makes me feel better to think that other people were afraid or hesitant and still found a way to have a family and make it a good, solid, loving one. Or even to know that some people did actually want a family, never got to have one, and it made them sad about it. That just sounds realistic, as a possibility. Staunch optimism always seems so suspect. Doubts? Every day. I screw up every day. And then I keep going, because for me there isn't another option. For a long time in my 20s, I wasn't sure if I wanted kids, then I had them and it felt... it worked for me, that part. The marriage and co-parenting, not so much. Other friends have wanted children desperately and not had them - due to fertility issues or circumstance - and have different lives than they would have otherwise. Not better, not worse: different. Starting a family while being in a committed, monogamous, loving relationship may be what feels best to you, and there's a lot to be said for it. It just may not match up with reality, for any number of reasons. What kids need are kind, competent, loving adults in their lives - if they have two of those as parents, they've hit the jackpot. Sure, there are regrets. I saw a graph recently: kids & no regrets / kids & regrets no kids & regrets / no kids & no regrets the friend who posted it has kids and says he's been in every single quadrant. At some point you set the baggage down and do the job that's in front of you, whatever it looks like. I'm kind of ashamed of this topic now. I'm sorry, everybody. Agreed with Dr P. Deciding whether or when to have kids is a big deal - it shouldn't take over your life at this point, though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seli Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Don't be ashamed. It is an important subject.At 28 you are still below the average age of first time mothers over here in the Netherlands. And two thirds of all mothers are older than 30 over here according to the official statistics. There is hopefully plenty of time, even without medical intervention (as luck will have it). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinDonner Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Trust me, there is no shortage of men in their 30s who want to have kids. I've honestly found it harder to find ones who DON'T. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kelli Fury Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 This is probably going to be an unpopular opinion but-Maybe the attitude surrounding having children should be about what you would be in a position to offer a child, rather than creating humans as a life goal for yourself. A baby isn't a means to fix the life YOU have, it is a life of its own, a life whose quality is utterly dependent on you and what you have to offer. IMO, having that end figured out is way harder than the process of finding or making a baby. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chaldanya Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 28 is still young. There is an increased risk until 35 but the numbers only get considerable when you hit 40. I am obese and have endometriosis. I got pregnant at 32 and carried a successful pregnancy to term. I had only just met my husband to be at 28. Your life is not over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NestorMakhnosLovechild Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 This is probably going to be an unpopular opinion but-Maybe the attitude surrounding having children should be about what you would be in a position to offer a child, rather than creating humans as a life goal for yourself. A baby isn't a means to fix the life YOU have, it is a life of its own, a life whose quality is utterly dependent on you and what you have to offer. IMO, having that end figured out is way harder than the process of finding or making a baby. First, the desire to have, love and nurture a child ain't nothing. It's something. And in fact, research suggests that it's something very important that a parent can give to a child. Second, I see no reason to second-guess parental fitness in a thread like this, until some evidence is actually presented. Also, you know, I think it's nice to try to answer the question that was asked, instead of second-guessing the questioner's right ask it. Frankly, if someone asks for some advice or thoughts about doing something that is a normal part of life for our species, it's obnoxious to jump in and insinuate, without any other evidence at all, that the person is unfit to do the thing they're asking about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Filippa Eilhart Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I'm seriously wondering what kind of doctor you spoke to. Fertility specialists in this country think mid-to-late 30s is still young. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kelli Fury Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I didn't question anyone's fitness as a parent, I said that the OP doesn't, in her own opinion, have the life situation in place to give a child the life she would want to. So, it strikes me as pretty obvious to work on getting that sorted out before worrying about fertility (especially at 28), when infertility isn't an insurmountable block to parenthood Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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