Phostopheles Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 It depends on whether, in the long run, you will view them as a liability or an asset.I know for me, the liabilities far outweigh the assets. I am not the parenting type. For you, it could be different. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Balefont Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 I, too, had my daughter when I was fairly young. I have absolutely no desire to have any more kids but if I did, I'd have two closer together. I don't want to raise another only child. (Even though being an only child worked for Bailey - and then the nephew came along.)That said, I'll never speak to anyone - parent or unparent - about regret. It is what it is and there is no sense in feeling regret. Raids, the only concern I have for you and your marriage is the potential for your husband to resent you for not ever wanting kids. I would never advise someone to have children just to appease their partner. However, it is still a very real possibility. I, 2 years ago (pre-nephew), asked Jay if he really wanted another child and said I could go either way. And I could. I didn't have a burning desire to have another but I was willing to if he felt strongly enough about it.I didn't want him feeling a building resentment towards me over the years because I didn't necessarily want more kids. He thought about it and said, "Nah. I don't really want to start over. 40 and free!!!" And then, this year, we got two dogs. ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Former Lord of Winterfell Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 I think it depends greatly on the person, but I certainly wouldn't advise having kids if someome has to talk you into it. It's very rewarding, but also incredibly difficult, and you do have to make tremendous sacrifices, especially financial sacrifices, to have them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Balefont Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 Think of it this way: Once you are a parent, you never stop being a parent. Every decision you make for the rest of your life will pass through the "What impact will this have on the kid(s)" filter. You do it so often, you don't even realize it most of the time. But trying to ever shut that off? Won't happen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tormund Ukrainesbane Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 You guys make kids sound like really really expensive herpes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Raids Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 Raids, the only concern I have for you and your marriage is the potential for your husband to resent you for not ever wanting kids. This is my major concern also. And he's great with kids. Really great. Watching him with his nieces is aborable. He would be a really great Dad. Honestly, were it not for this concern, I don't think I'd even be considering it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Raids Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 I don't suppose hoping that he has an affair and accidentally impregnates someone else who decides to have the baby is a mature solution to the issue? Is there perhaps a lesbian couple that needs a donor? I swear he won't be all "The Kids Are All Right" about it. Seriously, though, are there really any options for a couple where one partner really wants to procreate and the other does not? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalbear Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 He can always do something like a big brother program, I guess. But it's not really the same.Really, this is the sort of thing that likely needs to be agreed upon ahead of time. It can cause a lot of resentment either way no matter what happens, and of the two choices him resenting you for not having a kid is a lot more fair than you resenting him AND THE KID for having the kid.That being said, I don't know of many people who regret having kids. Some regret having them at a specific age, but few regret it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smegma Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 Raids, the only concern I have for you and your marriage is the potential for your husband to resent you for not ever wanting kids. I would never advise someone to have children just to appease their partner. However, it is still a very real possibility. Yeah, I was going to post something about this as well - I totally agree. It's certainly happened. Of course, some marriages come apart because of their domestic roles after having kids, so it can go both ways! The guy I was dating didn't necessarily NEED to have kids, and I didn't need to have anymore either (some part of me wants more because I know I'll be better situated this time around, another part says shiiiiiit - you spent the past 16 years as a mom, time to live it up, why start over?!). But I did see a part of him that would have been an excellent father and I wouldn't have denied him the opportunity, had he so desired. If you both don't want them, that's an easy choice. If you are unsure but he is warming up to the possibility, maybe there's something to be said to consider doing it for the marriage (not to save it, but to bring you two together even more). Anyway, it's a tough call. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tormund Ukrainesbane Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 I don't suppose hoping that he has an affair and accidentally impregnates someone else who decides to have the baby is a mature solution to the issue? Is there perhaps a lesbian couple that needs a donor? I swear he won't be all "The Kids Are All Right" about it. Seriously, though, are there really any options for a couple where one partner really wants to procreate and the other does not?An acquaintance of mine wanted kids and her husband didn't so they got divorced. Now she has no kids and no husband either. Is it seriously that big of a deal from him to have kids? Would you rather be unhappy with kids but still married or be unhappily unmarried with no kids?ETA:every thing that Coco has just said. 100% Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitestripe Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 I never really thought I wanted kids. We got married at 22, both went to grad school and spent a few years working on our careers. Then, about 8 years into our marriage we decided to have a kid. We tried and tried. When it just wasn't working out we had to do some more thinking about what we were going to do. We considered adoption but in the end decided to see a fertility specialist. We finally got pregnant...and Henry was born just 6 weeks before our 10th wedding anniversary. We had plenty of time to ourselves before introducing a family. I can't say that the decision to have kids was ever a during desire (extremely frustrating, perhaps) but it just seemed like the natural progression of things. We thought we were only having one...but that's another post. And yes, it is possible to not like your kid while at the same time loving him/her so much it hurts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ixodes Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 You guys make kids sound like really really expensive herpes.It's not like herpes at all. Herpes goes into periods of remission.If both parents aren't down with having kids, a child will rip that relationship asunder. Sometimes for the better, often for the worse. In all honesty Raids, if your husband wants to be a father figure, maybe considering mentoring/big brother type program?? This could give him and you a chance to interact with some kids in a positive way and give a slight taste of what will be in store. Let me tell you the most terrifying day of my life was the day my first child was born and I realized I had no fucking clue what to do next. This crippling fear only lasted about 2 1/2 years before it tapered down a bit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nichole Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 I think my husband some times leans towards having kids. For the record, I have always been 100% upfront about not wanting kids. But, everyone has always either said or acting "oh, you'll change your mind someday!" as if I can't possibly know what I feel. Really, if my husband decides that kids are something he wants, we may face divorce. I am not having a kid just because he thinks it would be fun. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Balefont Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 I don't suppose hoping that he has an affair and accidentally impregnates someone else who decides to have the baby is a mature solution to the issue? Is there perhaps a lesbian couple that needs a donor? I swear he won't be all "The Kids Are All Right" about it. Seriously, though, are there really any options for a couple where one partner really wants to procreate and the other does not?If I felt very strongly against and he very strongly for, then I would honestly consider separation/divorce. Again, that's just me. This is one of those dealbreakers for me and I think for a lot of other people as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seli Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 Raids, the most important thing is probably that you should not decide to go for it if you don't want to.Keep in mind that your mother is your mother, and the way she interacted with you may have to do more with her than with you. I don't have children, I don't expect to have them, but I know that I could take things from my father that were good and others that I would do my extreme best to avoid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alguien Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 A lot of my couples friends wanted to have kids, but before that, they wanted to have fun. So they did. Most of them were partied, traveled, took classes, had hobbies, and went to shows. Then, now that they're approaching or in their 30's, they decided to have kids. To them it wasn't a choice of, "Well, now the fun must stop forever." rather, it was, "OK, now to move on to a different stage in life."And they're still fun. And their kids are fun. So it can be done. But it's certainly not for everyone. There are so many factors that play into this. You and your partner's family background, economic status, job, biology, etc. There's a shitload of factors responsible potential parents need to consider. I think adoption and not having kids at all is much more socially acceptable than it used to be. In fact, this phenomena is a large part of why overpopulation is no longer the threat it once was. Case in point, one of my best friend's, in fact I was best man in his wedding in Hawaii, and his wife both just got their PhD's in psychology a year or so ago. He is a world-class Ironman triathlete, she is a stunner. Both now have demanding jobs. She is intensely into fitness and also had a breast augmentation. They want kids, eventually, but have already decided that if they do get kids, they will be adopting. As she said, "I put to much work into my figure to ruin it." (she's also tiny as hell)In any event, Coco's suggestion of adoption has real merit.Personally, I'd like a biological son or daughter someday. The thought of a person with the combined features and personality of whoever I end up with appeals to the romantic in me. And I think I'd be a good parent. But I totally acknowledge that its much easier for a guy to want kids than a girl. We don't become have to become an incubator for 9 months. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fez Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 I think the solution is to wait until both your careers have advanced far enough that you can afford an (christ I have no idea how to spell this, but its pronounced like "o-pear" and is basically live-in child-care.) My aunt and uncle did this for their twins, they provided food, living space, and a small allowance to a foreign student who was in the country at a college here for a year or two and in return the student provided 30 or so hours of child care each week. They did this continually from about age 2 to age 10, and went through I think 5 of them, all responsible women in their early 20s (and no affairs!...I think); 4 were from various South American countries and one was Chinese.This obviously doesn't solve all the problems of having kids, but it does allow you to have much more free time then you otherwise would and relieves you from a lot of the domestic chores relating to kids. Its not the cheapest option, but its not incredibly expensive either (though you would need to live in a place with an extra bedroom). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starkess Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 I wish I could offer any advice, but I'm very lucky in that both my husband and I are adamantly against having children, ever. (Sometimes one of us will say something like "Aw, what a cute baby" and the other one goes "Aw, yeah," and then panics, "We're still not having one!" And then we laugh.)But I would second the idea of maybe consulting a counselor. I'm sure they see this issue all the time and would help you two decide where you really stand in regards to wanting children.Also, it's unfortunate but true that you will probably be making more sacrifices than he will. You'll be the one getting pregnant and, from what it sounds like, bearing the brunt of increased domestic chores. So I don't think it's exactly an issue of flipping a coin, heads you have kids, tails you don't. Obviously. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Balefont Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 (christ I have no idea how to spell this, but its pronounced like "o-pear" and is basically live-in child-care.) :rofl: That's so... cute, Fez. :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seli Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 au pair Fez, au pair Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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