danro Posted January 8, 2008 Share Posted January 8, 2008 I might be inclined to think we have witnessed the birth of a New Terry! NOOO!!! *falls to knees* I like my Terry mad as a hatter. Here's hoping he regains (or maybe re-loses ) his senses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Pita Posted January 8, 2008 Share Posted January 8, 2008 Now I know what we need to do. We need to write lots of fanfics so the Yeard will go back to being giggle-insane-evil. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zap Rowsdower Posted January 8, 2008 Share Posted January 8, 2008 Now I know what we need to do. We need to write lots of fanfics so the Yeard will go back to being giggle-insane-evil. We already have. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinDonner Posted January 8, 2008 Share Posted January 8, 2008 Well, it's been a while since we've had any new parodies, so here's another one: Con Dar Night (note - slight spoilers for Scar Night, maybe, though it's been comprehensively Yeardified) Presbyter Zedd hauled his ancient frame up the stairs to Dick's turret, at the top of Deepgate Temple. The young angel was flapping his raptor-like wings and merrily torturing his snail collection. But it was time he learned of his Objectivist heritage. "Dick," said the old priest, "you are the last of the Objectivists. You have a holy duty to our Temple of Reason, to stand firm against the menacing hordes of Commies. Obviously, we don't need you to do any fighting, cos you're a bit of a wuss, but as long as the people know there is still an Objectivist in the Temple, they will stand firm against the forces of discord." Dick looked longingly at the sword over the fireplace. Its shiny blade, the word "Truth" lovingly written on its handle in some kind of bendy wire. All he wanted to do was take it down and slaughter some Commies, but the priests didn't want him to hurt himself. They wouldn't even let him outside the temple, in case he tripped over his own feet and fell into the abyss. Zedd continued. "Tonight is Con Dar Night, so we need to make sure you are protected. As you know, once every month when the moon turns dark, the ancient beast Kahnival roams the town. Legend has it that hundreds of years ago she was once an Objectivist like you, but got so fed up with being kidnapped and almost raped that she went mad, and now she comes out every month to feed. She will find a good, loyal capitalist, then make him cut off his own testicles and eat them, while she munches popcorn." "Yes, but she has big boobs, right?" asked Dick, earnestly. Zedd nodded. "Yes she does, so there may still be hope for her. Oh look, here's your new protector!" A small girl walked into the room and gave Dick a sardonic glance. "Hi, I'm Rachel," she said. Dick was appalled. He'd been expecting a huge, bronzed warrior, possibly wearing only a loincloth. "But she's only, like, 8!" he cried in horror. "Eight-year-old girls can have terrible power; it is wise never to underestimate them," said Zedd, wisely. "Besides, this particular girl has been trained in all kinds of arcane terminology, and can give speeches that last for several pages." The girl nodded brusquely. "I am well versed in representational designs involving lethality," she said, "and I've also cut down at least four dozen Commies with my bare hands, as well as being the custodian of the fearsome but entirely pointless Stone of Tears. The only thing that scares me is the Ghostey Gobblies." "So, that's settled then," said Zedd, hobbling off to carry out some priestly duties. ----- Some time later, their holy body-disposal ceremony was suddenly interrupted by the Arch Poisoner, Alexander Darken. Clutching the Boxes of Orden, he cackled wildly as he opened one of them. "Now I am invincible! Mwahahahaha! All I have to do is open the other... oops!" And with that, he tripped over and dropped the remaining boxes into the Abyss. "Curses!" he spat. He grabbed Presbyter Zedd and flew off in a stolen airship to plot his next move, pausing only to kick a cute little goat, demonstrating his evilness. Rachel and Dick couldn't believe it. Why would he have kidnapped a man? That was the job for women! Dick sighed with disappointment at the missed opportunity for an almost-rape scene. "We have to find some way to defeat Darken, before he builds up his Commie army and comes back for us! We need those other Boxes of Orden!" cried Rachel in despair. "I can't go down there, it's all dark and full of ghostey gobblies!" Dick's mind raced. Given that he still couldn't manage to pick up his sword without cutting himself, there was only one person strong enough to venture into the pit and find the boxes. "We have to find Kahnival," he said solemnly. ----- Using Rachel as bait, they finally managed to track down the vicious Kahnival. She listened with interest as they told her of the magical boxes that they needed to find. The force of Dick's words moved within her. Something about him made her regret her centuries of castration. Maybe it was time she chose life. And she could always cut his balls off later if need be. "I've always wanted to visit the bottom of the abyss," said Rachel, leaping into the pit. Dick stared after her morosely. Of course, he had wings, so he should probably go and catch her before she splatted on the bottom, but that would be to deny his Objectivist heritage, and any obligation to save her life would make him into a slave. Kahnival, however, lacked his moral celery, and flew down quickly to catch the prepubescent warrior. Now Dick was free to make his own choice, he followed with a lighter heart. Meanwhile, Darken had arrived at the evil hippy commune in the desert, and was conversing with their leader, Jagang. The hippies all hated Deepgate because they were enemies of life itself and wanted to destroy all that was good in the world, in the manner of hippies everywhere. They gladly agreed to Darken's plan, and formed a huge Commie army that marched towards the city like a giant fighting centipede. Deepgate's Swedish grandmothers were in for a tough time. Meanwhile, Kahnival was regretting her earlier act of altruism. It was a long way to the bottom of the pit, and her arms were starting to hurt. She was glad when they finally reached the bottom and she could let go of Rachel. As they walked along, the ground crunched strangely beneath their feet. Rachel bent down to investigate. They had landed on a huge pile of celery! "Those callous pit-dwellers!" cried Dick. "Instead of nobly consuming this celery, they have left it here to rot! What kind of monsters could they be?" "We'll find out in a minute," observed Kahnival "Cos here they come!" "It's the ghostie gobblies!" cried Rachel, and passed out in a fainting swoon. ----- They awoke to hear low, cackling laughter from outside their cell. A grotesquely fat man with distinguished grey hair was watching them, smoking a cigar and holding a box-like object in prominent view. "Ha ha ha ha ha," he laughed, with a sinister laugh. "I am Bill Clinton, the God of Altruism, and you are my prisoners! My altruist army will enjoy feeding and looking after you - for ever!!" He shuffled off, only to be replaced by a couple of his altruist minions. They leered patronisingly at their helpless captives. "Everything all right in there? Do you need a cup of tea or anything?" they asked gloatingly, safe in the terrible knowledge that by treating their captives well, it removed their free will and turned them into slaves, or something. Kahnival had an idea. "Oh, altruists, could you just unlock this door for us?" she asked, in her best pleading voice. "We're completely helpless, and if you help us, we'll be even more helpless." "But of course!" they cried, and instantly Kahnival and Rachel were free and had killed them to death. "Stupid altruists," said Rachel, spitting on their corpses. But where was Dick? Dick was lying on the floor, not moving. "Oh no!" cried Rachel. "All his life, he's been helped and protected by other people, who have stopped him from rising up and living his life! He has been turned into a slave by all those servants attending to his every whim! And now he's so helpless he can't even move! What can we do?" Just then, her eyes crawled across Dick's sword, which he'd still never gotten round to using. "Hurry up," said Kahnival urgently. "The publishers need this book to be finished before the weekend, so we need to get a move on!" Instantly Dick's hand shot out and grabbed his sword, which blazed with a blaze of light, like lightning blazing from a sword. He rose up and lived his life. Bringer of Death. Freedom good, slavery bad. Bill Clinton had accidentally dropped the Boxes of Orden as he walked off, so Dick opened it and, um, they were all saved, and Jagang's Commie army fell into the pit and squashed all the altruists. The End. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gabriele Posted January 8, 2008 Share Posted January 8, 2008 Well, it's a good thing he didn't drown in Mälaren after all. I prefer it with as few floating corpses as possible. (It does have countless small islands suitable for a holmgång though. Good research!) I lived in Stockholm for two years. And yes, floating corpses in the Mälaren are no fun. I liked to swim there - took a morning steamboat to Birka or Sigtuna and spent the day there more than once during the summers. These stories are an alternate history, but I do stick to the existing geography. It's my fun project I do besides the historical fiction. Sometimes I just don't want to research more pesky details and have history interfere with a good plot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gabriele Posted January 8, 2008 Share Posted January 8, 2008 Dick sighed with disappointment at the missed opportunity for an almost-rape scene. What makes me wonder is that there are never male rape scenes. It happens in real life, after all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foreverlad Posted January 8, 2008 Share Posted January 8, 2008 What makes me wonder is that there are never male rape scenes. It happens in real life, after all. I'm a guy and I have read all of Tairy's works. I might not have been in a scene, but I feel like I've been thoroughly and redundantly raped of all reason. Does that count? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agulla Posted January 8, 2008 Share Posted January 8, 2008 MinDonner, :bow: It was time someone wrote a new parody. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
diabloblanco18 Posted January 8, 2008 Share Posted January 8, 2008 Min, your post has made me realize that even though I've participated in lots of the Goodkind threads, I've never actually written a parody. Time to remedy that. Truthborn: The Final Order Rahlsier had heard stories. Heard, not read. Books were for the other revolutionaries, who lived in worlds of fantasy, who thought their ideals could substitute for experience. They had failed. All of them. Not Rahlsier. He was different. He was an individual. He had heard stories, but he hadn’t actually listened. What did it matter what the world had been like before the sky rained ash, the plants turned brown, the nambles roamed the mist at night? Before the skaa had let themselves be enslaved by the promises of altruism? Rahlsier knew these things were irrelevant, like dreams and fantasies. He knew that the Final Order needed to be destroyed, and that he was the only man who could do so. The sun was setting now. Soon the mists would rise, and the nambles would come out. Rahlsier had nothing to fear from them: he knew they had little interest in such as him. But the skaa cowered in their hovels, terrified of being savaged and eaten by the hulking beasts. Rahlsier laughed at the idea. I'll have to cure them of that someday. The women especially. He smiled his secret smile, and entered one of the larger hovels. Silence. The skaa stared at him in rapt attention, and why not? He was taller than most skaa, though not all, and his yeard was the envy of all the men (and a few of the women). They looked up at him in awe and wonderment…but something was missing from their stares. Fear. A young girl stood near him, unaware of Rahlsier’s thoughts. She stood there, unknowing, as he pulled a lump of pewter from his pocket and tried to swallow it. She made a face as he gagged on the metal. Foolish girl. Rahlsier greeted the room of skaa with a kick to the girl’s chin. Normally, such a blow would have shattered her jaw, maybe even severed her tongue. He was digesting pewter, though, the allomantic metal for strength, and so his kick tore her head clean off. It landed across the room, in a pot of boiling soup. Rahlsier laughed at the coincidence. Silence. He coughed expectantly. The men at the tables laughed. The women in the kitchen laughed. The children laughed. All of them laughed together, expect for one woman sobbing hysterically in back. What a stuffy bitch, Rahlsier thought. When the laughing had gone on long enough, Rahlsier silenced them with his raptor-like gaze. “Greetings,†he said. “I have come to free you from the Lord Ruler’s oppression.†“Really?†one of the men asked. “Really. Also, I brought food!†Rahlsier hefted the heavy sack he had slung over his shoulder, and tossed it onto one of the tables. The skaa all grabbed for it. Like lemmings, Rahlsier thought. One upended it, hoping to have first pick of the food inside. Ash spilled out. They all looked back at Rahlsier, accusingly. “I lied. Don’t you see? You can’t expect to be given food or freedom. You have to rise up and live your lives. Take freedom for yourselves! Rebel!†“But…†a skaa stammered. “They’ll kill us all!†“Not if you fight.†“Especially if we fight,†an older man said. “You know as well as I do, boy, the Lord Ruler cannot be beaten.†Now Rahlsier was growing angry. How dare they refuse him? He was only trying to help them, to give them the strength to… Wait. “Help†them? “Give†them the strength? That was altruism speaking. That was the enemy working its way into his thoughts. The skaa had to choose rebellion for themselves…but these had already chosen death. His thing rose inside him. He drew the Sword of Truth and ran his tongue down the length of the blade. Tiny particles of metal made their way through his mouth and down into his stomach. Not pewter for strength, or steel for dexterity, or even tin for charisma. This metal had no name, but its allomantic property did: deus ex machina. Rahlsier exploded into action. Bringer of death. Spines were torn out through stomachs. Limbs were severed at wrist and knee, elbow and thigh. Heads flew. Another landed in the soup. The room was soaked in blood when Rahlsier finished. He took a moment to savor it all, and then left the hovel as swiftly as he had entered. Morning would see him back in the capital. There was work to be done. Stay tuned for the next installment in the epic not-fantasy saga! Coming...well, whenever I feel like it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gabriele Posted January 8, 2008 Share Posted January 8, 2008 Heads flew. Another landed in the soup. Fine, now I have tea all over my monitor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rakehell Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Here's a frightening thought I just had. Given that we're starting to see more and more fantasy works adapted into comic book format, could we possibly get anything worse than SoT illustrated by Rob Liefeld? Oh yes, that's right, share my nightmares.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaxom 1974 Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 I thought I should let everyone here know that we have been accused of being guilty of a major epidemic of groupthink on another thread. Tairy isn't that bad, we have just all egged each other on and created an unnartural and unjustified snowball effect. Got a link for that? Here's a frightening thought I just had. Given that we're starting to see more and more fantasy works adapted into comic book format, could we possibly get anything worse than SoT illustrated by Rob Liefeld? Oh yes, that's right, share my nightmares.... Bastard. But if you really want to make it bad, make it an artistic collabortation between Liefeld and Todd McFarlane Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Wolf Maid Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Now I know what we need to do. We need to write lots of fanfics so the Yeard will go back to being giggle-insane-evil. Well, it's been a while since we've had any new parodies, so here's another one: Con Dar Night Min, your post has made me realize that even though I've participated in lots of the Goodkind threads, I've never actually written a parody. Time to remedy that. Truthborn: The Final Order Well, looks like Pita got his wish. Those were fantastic, Min and Diabloblanco18. God, how I missed the parodies. I thought I should let everyone here know that we have been accused of being guilty of a major epidemic of groupthink on another thread. Tairy isn't that bad, we have just all egged each other on and created an unnartural and unjustified snowball effect. You know, I think on some occasions, this is true. But then I read the interviews and then remember the books, and well, I couldn't help but think that yes, he is THAT bad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mashiara Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 MinDonner, Diabloblanco18, your parodies were great! Good job. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myshkin Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Well, it's been a while since we've had any new parodies, so here's another one: Con Dar Night (note - slight spoilers for Scar Night, maybe, though it's been comprehensively Yeardified) Truthborn: The Final Order Two of the best books I read last year and look at what you've done to them! Thank you from the bottom of the space where my heart would be were I not such a pinko hippy liberal! On a political note: Come election day I will be voting for Hillary. Partly because I like her, but mostly because if how much it will piss Tairy off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ser Mosh Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 I've got a Tairy related problem that I thought the Lemmings of Discord could help with. A friend of mine has been approached by a co-worker that lives and breathes the Yeard. This co-worker, hell-bent on spreading the Word of Tairy, has offered to read ASOIAF, which my friend is hooked on thanks to me, if she agrees to read the Sword of Truth. She came to me and asked if I had heard of Goodkind, which made me laugh out loud, and asked if his books were any good. This only brought on more laughter, but eventually I said that I had read some of them and that she shouldn't waste her time. Was this the right course of action? Should I have been worried about subjecting a friend to the Yeard, or excited at the possibility of blowing the mind of a fantasy reader with such ridiculously low standards, thus putting an end to one voice shouting the merits of Tairy? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baleraxar Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Obviously, your friend lacks the will to rise up and live her life by making this choice for herself. Furthermore, only commie death-choosers would agree to a trade. The truly noble never sacrifice anything to achieve their aims. Your only recourse is to rip out her spine and hope she learns her lesson. (In all seriousness, creating another ASoIaF fan is not worth putting yourself through Tairy, and trying to turn a Yeardling onto anything decent is a waste of time anyway.) I thought I should let everyone here know that we have been accused of being guilty of a major epidemic of groupthink on another thread. Tairy isn't that bad, we have just all egged each other on and created an unnartural and unjustified snowball effect. I hated Tairy for years before these threads started. He really is that bad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Muttering Bill Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Ahh, such delightful new parodies. Which reminds me that it's been a while since I've written one myself. I'm organizing some ideas for a Devices and Desires parody. Not sure when I'll get to actually writing it. Or if these ideas will even hold up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Pita Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 I hated Tairy for years before these threads started. He really is that bad. I'm sorry for lemming-bashing, but your post sounds like "I hated Tairy before it was cool". I won't deny that these threads lead to my thinking his books were crap, but I thought the man was an ass before I was on these boards. I think even before I heard of Martin. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Muttering Bill Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 No, I hated him first! Me! Me! Me! Me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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