Thongor and his Amazing Barbarian Friends, Part 2

[Nerdanel]

Based on the quality of the writing, I think it entirely possible that the author did the repeated use of "thing" on purpose, to emphasize parallel lack of humanness between the twins and the more obvious monsters.

[MinDonner]

Based on the quality of the writing, I think it entirely possible that the author did the repeated use of "thing" on purpose, to emphasize parallel lack of humanness between the twins and the more obvious monsters.

(he did. I was just trying to be funny)

[MinDonner]

8 - The Swordsmen of Ibrahim

The Skulwind is here, at last! It batters at the caravan in a surprisingly convincing way for the next two days; Pol and Brak have a further moment of bonding when they try to shift a stubborn mule. Pol suspects that Hadrios may be losing it a bit, and asks Brak to see what he can do about persuading the caravan master to seek shelter.

Helane agrees, when he consults her the next night (she is looking dirty and tired, as one would after a tough and lengthy journey, unlike certain Mother Confessors of our acquaintance with their pristine white dresses); she's had to ply Hadrios with a load of wine to get him to sleep, but Brak goes off to tell Gorzhov about the new shelter-seeking plan.

Gorzhov is still being an arsehole, however, and insists on checking with Helane before he takes Brak's orders. Brak thinks about fighting Gorzhov over this and they GLARE at each other with RAGE, until our barbarian hero suddenly decides to start acting like a grownup...

Finally Brak saw the futility of it. It was this damned Skulwind rubbing brains and nerves raw. It turned the slightest remark into a provocation. He made contemptuous sounds in his throat and walked off. But as he did, he reminded himself that one time, soon or late, he would have to settle affairs with the self-styled Captain.

OK, so, he's not entirely letting the matter lie... but wow! I am seriously impressed by any barbarian who is capable of backing down from a dick-waving contest of this nature without worrying about the loss of Man Points. Props to Brak!

Next day, Hadrios is pissed off at the change of plan, but Helane puts him in his place and he shuts up and eats his gruel (which is, apparently, more sand than food). Then Gorzhov comes back from scouting out the ruined fort that he knows lies in the area, and the caravan gets there by nightfall to set up a relatively comfortable camp.

Quran horsemen pass by on the horizon near dawn the next day, but fail to spot the fort; then, later on, the twins start singing again and everyone gets creeped out. Gorzhov, however, is drunk enough to be full of foolish bravado:

"Sotted?" Gorzhov spat to show his contempt. "Might be. But that's a better state than being all trembly with terror. Better than burrowing down here like vermin afraid of the light. Hell's eyes!" He snicked his curved sword out clumsily. The flat of the blade flashed in the firelight. "I'm not frightened of them. Nor of those damned ruby-eyed sons of sluts parading back and forth on their ponies. You're frightened of them though, all of you."

Brak feels a sting of wounded manliness as G includes him in this accusation, though Helane is sick of all the cock-waving ("In the name of gods," Helane said wearily, "this is no time to try and prove you're a man."). Undeterred, G decides to head out and put a stop to the singing, once and for all; Hadrios orders him to stop and then drunkenly whips him round the head a couple of times before Brak and Pol get the whip away from him... eventually it all gets sorted out and the drunken drunks pass out drunkenly... until later on, Brak is awakened by a husky, bubbling cry!

[MinDonner]

If you've been following since the last thread, you may recall I mentioned the cover - well, you lucky people, I've finally gotten round to scanning it in for your edification. Check out Brak's amazing seven-league stride! His half-missing torso! The pristine blonde wench behind him (presumably Helane?)! Considering the relatively high quality of the writing, if there ever was an argument for not judging a book by its cover, then here it is...

[Lummel]

Good grief, I bet the artist's optician still remembers the prescription needed to correct that!

[Seventh Pup]

Min I love this sooooo much. More I NEED MORE.

[Gigei]

Lmao at the cover! I actually used to own one of the Brak books. Yeah, they are pulptasic goodness.

[thx4allthefish]

That cover is mockery in itself. I think Brak looks more like his cartoon-self than like a properly thewed hero ... not the man I would enjoy dreaming of ... but then, Helane is not to my taste either (intellect notwithstanding)

[Nerdanel]

The cover looks like it was modeled on several better paintings and assembled haphazardly. What strikes me most among the numerous points of badness is how plastic that sword looks like.

[Erik of Hazelfield]

Hahaha! With a cover painter like that, you don't need any enemies.

[MinDonner]

The source of the terrible cries turns out to be Hadrios, who overstrained himself while whipping Gorzhov and is now having convulsions. Gorzhov, also, has vanished into the night, taking one of the mules with him, so they are now stranded without a scout. Oh noes! However, a day later, the Skulwind drops enough for visibility to reappear, and they decide to make for Samerind with all haste, so they can get Hadrios to a doctor.

Luckily, they haven't heard the twins singing for a while, but they still have no scout -

"Wrong, my lady."

Brak spun. Up there on the top of one cellar wall, Captain Gorzhov glowered down at them.

The scout was filthy. Sweat had dried the dirt on his face into a kind of yellow mask. He looked as though he had lost weight. He climbed down to them, moving slowly, tiredly. One of the big man's knee joints popped as he bent beside the fire.

Gorzhov did not so much as glance at any of them. He concentrated on warming his hands at the fire. Finally he said, "Curse me freely. I admit now that it was a fool's errand. I saw no-one. And all I have to show for my pains is a wolf's hunger."

Oh my. Have you lost weight? Perhaps this makes up for G's earlier fashion faux pas with that coat?

Gorzhov, apparently, stormed off in a drunken huff and got lost, and it's taken him a day to get back; he says he won't mind if they mock him for his stupidity, but Brak is a decent guy and declines. However, he's less relieved than he thought he would be to see G's return; the scout now has a woeful look about him that makes the barbarian uneasy.

The next day they head off, but G keeps changing direction, and eventually Helane voices her suspicions that he may be lost. Brak is about to agree, when he hears an ominous drumming sound, which goes Drum-a-drumm several times from all directions. He puts his ear to the ground and digs his hands into the sand to listen for vibrations(?). Is it a balrog?

Suspicion ripened again, popped like a festering wound, poured its angry poison out.

"Gorzhov! Captain Gorzhov!"

"Gods," Helane cried, "you don't believe that he -"

"That he knows where we are heading? Has all along, and has led us to the Quran on purpose?" The muffling-cloths whipped away from Brak's face. His teeth were a white slash in the gloom. "Before those horsemen strike, I mean to make him answer that."

And the big barbarian went charging up towards the head of the caravan where Captain Gorzhov's dromedary pranced.

The Quran horsemen have them surrounded, and Brak is filled with RAGE!

[MinDonner]

You know I wouldn't leave you with a cliffhanger like that for long (also, it's snowy and I have nothing else to do this morning), so without further ado, on to the next chapter...

Blade and Mirror (OK, I've lost track of the numbering)

As Brak approaches Gorzhov, the red-bearded scout slips off that famous coat - shit just got real! However, from the looks of things, he's no match for our barbarian:

Gorzhov used his free hand to scale away his flat fur cap. His shoulders under his coarse shirt looked bony. His belly fat hung on him like a flaccid pouch.

"No reason to hide your treachery any longer, eh, Captain?" Brak roared.

Gorzhov wiped his lips. "None." The word was slurred.

"And you've been a long time hatching it, I'll wager."

Gorzhov blinked rapidly. "Aye. Ever since that old jar of slops Hadrios humbled me with the whip."

In the background, the Quran horsemen approach through the swirling sand, but this is time for MAN ON MAN ACTION. Brak taunts G into fighting him right there and then, and is surprised at how powerful G is; in fact, G seems to have the upper hand through most of the fight, cutting Brak's arm and ear while Brak falls on his arse again and nearly gets stabbed in the face. At the same time, Brak is noticing how slow and sluggish G's reflexes are, so good job he wasn't on top form or our hero would be toast. Eventually Brak gets his chance and cuts G's throat... and only a single drop of blood comes out!

Yeah, it's not just the Quran that G met on his wanderings, he clearly ran into the Vampire Twins as well; Brak spots the triangle mark on his arm as Ibrahim and his horsemen close in, having basically already routed the caravan while Brak was busy. Let's have a look at our latest adversary:

Two riders had moved out from the line that completely circled the remains of the caravan. One was a tall, robust man with a strikingly long jaw, a bold nose and a gem in his left eyesocket. He wore black boots, coat, gauntlets, helm - black everywhere, except for his four plumes. All were bright red.

Brak starts shouting threats and insults at Ibrahim, so the second rider comes forward - of course, it is the fabled Stoneeyes, whose lack of actual eyes in no way affects his ability to throw lances at Brak (don't worry, he dodged). Sorcery is afoot! Ibrahim tells the surviving caravan members to come along peaceably, but Brak is having none of it, and tries to incite them to at least go down fighting. Helane agrees (and dashes off to grab a sword), as does Pol, and eventually Hadrios decides to fight as well, even though it will probably mean their doom! But then Helane screams - the Twins are here and they have grabbed her!

[MinDonner]

In with a triple! as they say in TTTNE. Has Brak's lack of shitness stymied all comment?

Anyway, the Vampire Twins have Helane, and Ky is holding a dagger to her breast, which is quite enough to make Brak dash the cross from Pol's hands to stop him from attacking them (the cross did appear to worry them).

Ibrahim, however, appears to be a bit of a snob, and is delighted to meet a pair of travelling nobles - they spin a tale of how they were mistreated by the horrid barbarian meanie, and how great it is to meet someone nice at last.

"The lying slut!" Brak howled, unable to believe that Ibrahim could possibly be persuaded by this fabrication. "Listen to my tale too! Let me describe how this pair of monsters -"

A sick uncertainty quenched his speech in mid-sentence. He exchanged hopeless glances with Hadrios and Pol. It could not be happening and yet it was: Ky wheedling and posturing in his determined effort to show himself as royal as Ibrahim. If Ibrahim only knew how the two must me mocking him in silence!

Ibrahim, despite his bold nose, is completely fooled by the twins, and invites them to travel with him as honoured guests (to be fair, one of the guys Brak killed at the river was his cousin, so Brak's credibility was somewhat damaged). Brak tries one last gambit, which is to grab a mirror out of one of the caravan bales and try to show the twins' lack of reflection, but Stoneeyes tugs his braid (yes!) and he drops the mirror and it smashes.

And then, in one hideous moment of insight, he understood the reason for the dissembling of the twins.

The men of Quran were strong. Hadrios had said that. The Blood-eaters were hungry for the blood and bone of Quran City itself. And they meant to have it.

Then he gets knocked unconscious and carried away!

---------

Brak the Barbarian > Sword of Truth? Without a doubt, I'd say. Not only do we have actual characterisation, even outside the protagonists; we also have realistic geography, plots that make a basic kind of sense, and a complete lack of cod-philosophising. John Jakes deserves to be more famous than he is.

[Lummel]

Ah Ambassador Min, you spoil us with this barbarian cheese lovingly wrapped in the golden foil of your wit.

I for one am deeply pleased with this positive portrail of how a disabled person can be an effective figure of terror and evil and has overcome not simply his physical disablities but also the mindless prejudice of his society against blind javelin throwers.

[Luzifer's right hand]

It looks like braids are not that useful in combat after all.

[Maia]

It looks like braids are not that useful in combat after all.

Wait, Brak is a _braided_ barbarian?! I somehow missed that. _Lance_ throwing FTW, too. And if the Twins wanted the Quran, why didn't they just go to them as soon as they were first spotted. Grozhov could have led them. Why hang around the caravan for as long as they did, once there were other, superior sources of food nearby? Also, Ky beats his sister in the arts of seducing victims hands-down. She is generally pretty useless for a demon. OTOH, Helane is actually a decent and versatile character, so it all balances out, I guess. We will probably soon find out that the Twins have consumed a whole civilization and were trying to move to new pastures when Brak ran into them.

[Lummel]

I guess the twins are probably too bloated on caravan people to be able to waddle very far on their own.

I like the idea that the terrible bandits are susceptable to flattery.

Twins: Oh I admire the quite noble, no in fact distinctly regal, manner in which you overtook and seized this petty caravan, why it reminds me of our grandfather, noble king of somewhere you've never heard of...

Bandit: Please, call me Ibrahim, it's so nice to meet cultured people out here in the desert...

[Erik of Hazelfield]

I'm most impressed by the fact that the mirror plan failed. If this was a Sword of Truth novel, the fight would have carried on for pages, then when Dick was finally overpowered after slaughtering scores of bandits, he would think of this mildly clever idea that makes him look like Einstein in a world of morons. It would have worked too, because nothing he or his friends do ever fail. Just think of the attack-nude-while-painted-white plan or the even more stupid show-your-tits-and-they'll-forget-your-face plan. In Tairy's world everything that remotely looks like a novel or clever idea automatically works no matter how stupid it is, probably because he can't come up with anything better.

Being better than SoT is no great feat though. The question I ponder now is one of outmost delicacy, perhaps bordering on heresy. Is Brak better than Conan?

[MinDonner]

I guess rabbits is our man for that question, as I've not read any Conan. Rabbits, are you still here? What do you reckon?

[The Marquis de Leech]

Being better than SoT is no great feat though. The question I ponder now is one of outmost delicacy, perhaps bordering on heresy. Is Brak better than Conan?

Or is Brak better than Grignr?