Eddard and Robert: A Tragic Love Story

[ghost the direwolf]

Poor Ned! when he had finally decided to come out of his closet, took his courage and told cercei to step aside so he can finally be where he belongs, The love of his life get himself killed by a boar out of despair. Such a sad love story.

I now understand why Satin has been assigned to Jon S. He needs to be shown the way as Ygritte has corrupted him. Now wonder she got terminated. Stannis will be his Lightbringer. It is known!

[Queen of Spades]

Oh, and what about Aeron Damphair ?

"What is dead may never die but rises again harder and stronger." :leer:

(and him being so dead set against women...)

[bloodymime]

because Ned is my favorite character (still) i have a certain picture in my mind for him and i cant see him getting horny by looking Roberts hairy cock

But that's just how it is. Remember how Ned fondly remembers Roberts mighty 'warhammer' that he can hardly handle directly segueing into perhaps one of the most homoerotic lines ever "In those days, the smell of leather and blood had clung to him like perfume."

I don't like the Red Wedding either but it's what is right there in the books. We have to take the sour with the sweet,

[Malgarroth]

Poor Ned! when he had finally decided to come out of his closet, took his courage and told cercei to step aside so he can finally be where he belongs, The love of his life get himself killed by a boar out of despair. Such a sad love story.

I now understand why Satin has been assigned to Jon S. He needs to be shown the way as Ygritte has corrupted him. Now wonder she got terminated. Stannis will be his Lightbringer. It is known!

It is known.

Actually, I think Stannis is Jon's Nissa Nissa.

[Buckwheat]

Roose Bolton

Tywin Lanister

The Blackfish

Jorah Mormont

Tyrion Lannister

Aerys, the mad king

Possible Rhaegar

Thank you for the 'complete' list - by the time I log in tomorrow, it will likely be twice as long! :lol:

I don't think people are making fun of Lord Paramout of Essos because he missed the joke. They're making fun of him because he has said a number of homophobic statements.

I know, but I have a soft spot for bastards, cripples and people who miss the jokes somewhere ... :P

[Queen Cersei I]

Proof that "N+R= LHGGS (Lotsa Hot Guy on Guy Sex) includes:

--Upon seeing his old friend and throwing himself into his arms in an intensly ambiguous, "bone crunching hug," (complete, one imagines, with growls of manly passion and inward groans of long repressed desire), Robert immediately orders they go down together in the crypts, all alone, in the dark... to, ahem, visit Ned's dead sister, of course.

Because he likes girls, seriously, really, they both do! Girls are hawt! Yay boobies! Nothin' to see here, folks. Just two guys going down all alone together into a highly symbolic "underground labrinth" to explore its musky depths and hidden tunnels. (Does anyone else bet these couple of Freudians went in through "the back entrance" :spank:

P.S.-- did anyone else notice that Cersei was mysteriously enraged-- even, dare I say it, jealous, at her husband's descent into a dark cavern with his old "friend"?

--And later: "And damn this "your Grace," business." Robert said. "We are more than that to each other, Ned."

"I had not forgotten," said Ned. :leer:

--And after that: "Ned, I have need of you," said Robert.

"I am yours to command," Ned replied. "As always." (Good lord. "yours to command?" "I have need of you?" These two are really taking the "sub" out of "homosexual subtext," aren't they?)

But wait, you ask... isn't Ned straight as they come?

I think not.

Proof that Ned is gay includes:

1. Overt distaste for Cersei, clearly resulting from blatant sexual jealousy. ("The last time I saw the youngest," Ned tells Cat in AGOT, "he was still sucking at the Lannister woman's teat." (Note the blatant jealousy of Robert's sexual partner and the utter lack of interest in female secondary sexual characteristics, or "teats" as Ned dismissively calls them.) Later: Robert: "If that things breaks another weal, I swear I'll burn the whole thing... and Cersei can walk, damn her!" Ned smiled. "I do believe you mean it," he said."

Seriously, one almost expects, after a few more seconds, for Ned to turn to Robert and ask petishly, "you don't think she's prettier than me or anything, do you?"

2. "He remembered Robert as he'd been all those years ago...six and a half feet tall, bright eyed and clean shaven, and muscled like a maiden's fantasy." This has to be the single gayest comment in all of modern literature. (Note-- I don't mean that at all offensively or negatively. I'm only noting that if one describes one's "Friend" as "muscled like a maiden's fantasy," then clearly there is a little somthin somethin more than pure, manly hetero admiration inspiring that description.)

3. "Damn him," said Ned. "Damn his royal hide." (Clearly, Ned's fixation on Robert's "royal" arse implies...well, you know... :leer: )

4. Besides the two seconds of pasionless sex he has with his wife, Neddard never thinks of women or having any sort of sexual contact with them, ever. His steamiest thought about Cat? He at one point reflects on how they can make another child together. (Or something.) Apparently, he saves all of the gushing semi sexual descriptions ("muscled like a maiden's fantasy"!!!) for his male "friends".

Proof that Robert is gay:

1. The community of bastard chidlren. One to four bastards= high sex drive. Five to ten=extremely high sex drive. Ten to fifteen= obvious sex addiction. But sixteen bastards?= obviously compensating. For something.

2. Excessive talk about girls clearly meant to cover up his true inclinations.

3. Runs around hitting guys with a big, giant phallic symbol.

4. Was so erotically obsessed with the former heir to the throne he jammed his sympbolic penis right through him.

In short.... to use LF's lash's phrase-- King Bob and Ned are "gayer than a basket of blood oranges."

Hmm, the real reason why Robert wanted to marry Lyanna - so him and Ned could better hide their passionate love?

Yeah, and also, whose name do you REALLY think good old King bob said on his wedding night? Does anyone else even buy that Cersei would have gone so batshit crazy at the sound of her husband saying another woman's name? "He whispered Lyanna", Cersei fumes. Replace "Lyanna" with "Eddard" and methinks you've got a much truer story.

[7V3N]

Troll threads here? Oh no -_-

[butterbumps!]

In short.... to use LF's lash's phrase-- King Bob and Ned are "gayer than a basket of blood oranges."

Sorry....forgive my feeble mind. How are blood oranges gay? Is it possible that eating blood oranges is how you catch the gay? (If so, there must have been a real bumper crop to produce an incredible 14 gays in 1 story- so unnatural).

[Queen Cersei I]

Robert wanted to marry Lyanna because she was the closest socially acceptable look alike to Ned.

Is it just a coincidence that Robert fell in love with a girl who looks just like Ned?

Just to add-- remember TV Margary's suggestion to Renly ("Shall I turn around, and you can pretend I am my brother?") I think that was some advice that King Bob intended to utilize throughout the marriage to Lyanna. It was his version of "lie back, and think of England (Westeros?)", if you catch my drift.

[Dacie]

Thank you for the 'complete' list - by the time I log in tomorrow, it will likely be twice as long! :lol:

I think we can safely add Jaime Lannister as well. It's all on the nickname, you see.

Kingslayer

King-slayer? Nay, I say.

Kings-layer. Bingo! Lays with kings. Pretty obvious.

[Kittykatknits]

Sorry....forgive my feeble mind. How are blood oranges gay? Is it possible that eating blood oranges is how you catch the gay? (If so, there must have been a real bumper crop to produce an incredible 14 gays in 1 story- so unnatural).

Have you seen a blood orange? They look gay. Plus, they are falling of the trees in Dorne so that's probably the gayest part of Westeros.

Also, 14 seems to be low. I'm guessing the number is probably closer to 17 now. Oh, and at least one partial lesbian.

[Dr. Pepper]

Can somebody post a complete list? I start:

1. Loras Tyrell

2. Renly Baratheon

3. Jon Connington

4. Eddard Stark

5. Robert Baratheon

6. Jon Arryn

7. Stannis Baratheon

8. Davos Seaworth

...

Who did I miss?

You've forgotten Dany! We really need to find evidence of all the lesbians as well as teh gay boys.

Also, stop makign fun of poor Lord Paramout of Essos, he just did not get the joke, poor boy.

But our dear Lord Paramount of Essos is our devil's advocate. How can we know that all of this evidence of gays in the story is true if we don't have someone making us stop and consider it from all angles? It's important that we know that London is full of gays and someone people don't like gays. For this dirty job, our Lord Paramount of Essos has been most satisfactory.

Joking aside, LPoE is being a good sport about our japes. He deserves a hairy cock bow. :bowdown:

[Queen Cersei I]

Varys is already too much

This just in-- homosexuality and being an utterly asexual eunuch castrated in very early childhood are... the same thing? I guess so! Eunuchs don't like the boobies, gays don't like the boobies--OMG, they ARE the same!

The things I learn on these here boards. I tell ya....

And? Do you think that if you prefer to sleep with men rather than women that it has any bearing on how well you can fight?

To cite a commonly known and almost cliched fact--- the Spartans fucked the bejesus out of each other to increase their manly bonds and improve their fighting prowess.

The idea of a "homosexual" as an specific identity that is "weak" and "feminine" is a wildly new topic. As late as the 1890's, there was no real "gay identity". For instance, around the time of the Oscar Wilde trials, the only thing most people thought homosexuals had in common was that they all liked to sleep with other men.

Also, it's commonly known that in Greece homosexuality was seen as a higher sort of love by many. In Rome, wanting to bang a guy was not so different from wanting to bang a girl. The emperor Nero was in love with a girl and a guy at the same time, and no one found this at all "funny" or indicative of any iron clad sort of preferences on his part. (Nero, of course, was considered a corrupt sicko for other reasons, but this was no big issue as it is reported.)

[Dr. Pepper]

Have you seen a blood orange? They look gay. Plus, they are falling of the trees in Dorne so that's probably the gayest part of Westeros.

Blood oranges may be gay in our world, but they are not in the world of ASOIAF. However, there is a family of fruits that will lead us to the gay. The evidence is in Renly's peach. Renly has a peach, Stannis thinks about that peach. Therefore all fruits of the Rosaceae family signify the secret society of Westerosi homoserxuals.

[brashcandy]

Poor Cersei. This is why she was with Taena, to try to experience Ned and Robert's same sex pleasures.

@Dr. Pepper - Daenerys has long been a lesbian. Why do you think she saved those poor girls from Drogo's khalasar? Selflessness and compassion? HA!

[Benxz88]

But y'all, how does Hodor fit into all of this?

Ned's true father, impregnated by tormund's member

[Artemis]

Seriously, one almost expects, after a few more seconds, for Ned to turn to Robert and ask petishly, "you don't think she's prettier than me or anything, do you?"

2. "He remembered Robert as he'd been all those years ago...six and a half feet tall, bright eyed and clean shaven, and muscled like a maiden's fantasy." This has to be the single gayest comment in all of modern literature. (Note-- I don't mean that at all offensively or negatively. I'm only noting that if one describes one's "Friend" as "muscled like a maiden's fantasy," then clearly there is a little somthin somethin more than pure, manly hetero admiration inspiring that description.)

I made the honest mistake of reading this post while I was sipping my coffee and ended up snorting in laughter and spraying coffee all over myself. So thank you for making me smell like caramel latte, truly.

I have to say I am really very disappointed with myself for never picking up the whole homoerotic subtext of Robert "wielding his warhammer".

When Ned begins to grow increasingly delusional in the black cells of the Red Keep (aka when he loses it):

He found himself thinking of Robert more and more. He saw the king as he had been in the flower of his youth, tall and handsome, his great antlered helm on his head, his warhammer in hand, sitting his horse like a horned god.

Beautiful. Just like a great horned god.

Edit: I should have just bolded that entire quote, come to think of it.

[butterbumps!]

Have you seen a blood orange? They look gay. Plus, they are falling of the trees in Dorne so that's probably the gayest part of Westeros.

Also, 14 seems to be low. I'm guessing the number is probably closer to 17 now. Oh, and at least one partial lesbian.

Really?

So the tally is 17 + 1 partial lesbian + apparently 1 citrus fruit? Perhaps it's time we add Beric Dondarrion to the list. It goes without saying that purple is the universally recognized badge of gayness. Plus, the lightening bolt reminds me of the Queen song, "Flash," and Queen is gay, so it's probably a good assumption that Beric is a card-carrying homosexual.

If this weren't enough evidence, let's look more closely at his relationship with Thoros. Since we've already proven Robert's homosexuality exhaustively, let me remind you that he and Thoros spent many a night together "drinking and whoring." It stands to reason that during these lovemaking sessions Thoros perfected the "kiss of life," an embrace he would later use on the one man who could truly appreciate his efforts (since Robert's attentions were divided between him and Ned). How many times do we see Thoros raise Beric's limpness from the ashes and restore him with new life? This also explains why he sent Thoros off with Beric- obviously Ned wanted to remove his competition from the court.

[Benxz88]

Let's not just restrict this to the novels. I suggest Dunk and Egg. Egg doesn't want to go back to King's Landing, but prefers to go on "adventures" with his best friend and mentor, Ser Dunk the Tall. Also, his family lets him go with Dunk because they know all too well what he is going through. And that one puppeteer was just a red herring. George loves to give us those.

[Winter's Knight]

Why isn't Jon Snow's latest paramour, Satin on the list? And Aurane Waters?

Also, wow, I didn't think this thread'd get so big so fast.