Anti Baby-Fever: Options for younger folk

[Ser Rodrigo Belmonte]

Damn after read ASOS, I can see why you were so affected that he was choking on food..

[palimpsest.]

I'm 23 and am really struggling with that as well. I used to be certain that I don't want any kids, ever. Then I started dating my current bf and went from 'never' to 'maybe'. The pregnancy part is actually what bothers me most - I'm pretty certain that if I were a man, having children would be a complete no-brainer for me.

Me and my boyfriend agree that neither of us wants babies in the next few years. However, we sometimes joke about what kind of parents we would make, and how we'd treat our children. One part of me likes the idea, but the other part is COMPLETELY TERRIFIED and very strongly opposed. One of my friends said that I'm one of those people that will only have children if an 'oops' happens, and that's probably right - but at the same time, I'm afraid it won't happen and I'll regret it eventually.

I'm probably overthinking it, but still, it would be nice to just know for sure.

[Minaku]

I find it a little sad that the people who SHOULD reproduce - ie, many members of this thread - will instead leave the reproduction to the idiots of the world.

Do your duty, people.

[MinDonner]

I know that's basically a joke, but... fuck off. Seriously.

[Opisthokont]

I'd get a vasectomy tomorrow if it wasn't for the possible risk of chronic pain. I am as close to certain as I can be that I will not ever want any children, but unless I can be sure that the risk is negligible I don't think it's worth it.

I've also done some computations, and if we assume that the probability that some particular gene of mine is shared by some particular sibling of mine is 0.5, and the probability that they have passed it on to some particular child of theirs is also 0.5, then the probability that that gene isn't already present in any of my nieces and nephews is (0.5 * 0.5)^8 or roughly .0000153 (0.00153 %). So I think my conscience is clear in that regard.

[Minaku]

I know that's basically a joke, but... fuck off. Seriously.

I wasn't even considering you, since you've voluntarily put yourself out of the running.

Opisthokont, there are some of us without any siblings whatsoever.

I look at the art community - any artist, whether it's a musician, writer, visual artist, architect - and I'm saddened because many of my peers won't be able to have children, or aren't in a place in life where they can have children. I think they'd be good parents, and it's sad that there won't be a generation of children growing up with art right at home.

[Call me Odie]

I know that's basically a joke, but... fuck off. Seriously.

Agree

[MinDonner]

I don't really care whether you were specifically addressing me or not. There's already enough bullshit pressure on people - especially women - to have kids, and up to this point, this thread had been admirably lacking in that. Saying "you SHOULD have kids!" to people who want to but can't is frankly even worse.

[Phaing]

I find it a little sad that the people who SHOULD reproduce - ie, many members of this thread - will instead leave the reproduction to the idiots of the world.

Do your duty, people.

Indeed.

I know that you are addressing the cultural side of it, and it is pretty amazing on the one hand how babies are no longer cool with the hip crowd... but on the other hand teens continue to have them, sometimes in very precarious situations.

Don't worry, life will always find a way, even as the precious veneer of civilization falls away.

All of this has happened before, it will happen again.

[lacuna]

What drives this idea that people who don't want kids are somehow better than those who do, or even those that end up having them through "oops"? Idiocracy is a movie, people, not RL. Trust me, my shiftless slacker genes do not merit replication anyway.

[FriendlyMisanthrope]

It's also worth noting that despite parent's best efforts to make their children a certain way, there are lots of kids who grow up and become completely different people (than what their parents intended). Hence gay or lesbian kids being born to conservative, pray-the-gay-away parents, or me, being born to very strict redneck conservative religious parents, and I turned out to be a liberal artistic pot-smoking atheist.

[Cedna]

My answers in italics within:

1) Who has been adamantly opposed to kids in their relative youth (I am 29), but had a complete change of heart?

i) Was this change of heart planned or an "oops"?

I have been adamantly opposed since age 13 when it even became a possibility. Have not yet had a change of heart--I'm 35. I once had a "moment" during a time of stress, overtiredness, and overwork when I thought, Gee, having a baby would make me able to stay home and sleep in (ridiculous reason for procreation, I know). Then I came to my senses and slept for about 15 hours and have had no such thoughts since. The hardest part is that my husband of nine years wouldn't mind having a baby, and so sometimes I feel like I'm limiting his hopes. But I did tell him before we married that I couldn't promise ever having an interest in kids, and he married me anyway. He understands how much it would change our very pleasant life to have children, and I think he has his own ambivalence, but he's less adamant than I am.

2) Anyone around here had a vasectomy/tubal litigation, and willing to post some thoughts?

No, I use the copper IUD and have for the past 17 years. Best birth control ever for me. Never had a problem, never had an "oops" or even and "oops" scare. It's so easy I generally forget I have it. No hormonal weirdness. I have no side effects from it at all. I guess there's not anything like that for men, though. Do you have one steady partner who who would be willing to take on the birth control duties of the relationship?

[Castel]

What drives this idea that people who don't want kids are somehow better than those who do, or even those that end up having them through "oops"? Idiocracy is a movie, people, not RL. Trust me, my shiftless slacker genes do not merit replication anyway.

I'm confused. Given the rest of your post and the current leaning of the thread it seems that the bolded part works better the other way round :dunno: ?

(And Note: I'm not talking about the argument in general, I mean your post.)

[deleted01]

My boyfriend's sister is desperately trying to have children with her soon-to-be husband of 10 years, but she is having some difficulty carrying. It must be awful for her, for both of them, but we had a conversation about people assuming things not long ago and I think it's relevant.

They're getting married in September and she said that many people have asked whether or not they have children yet. When she says no, the majority of people immediately assume that it's because they can't, not because they don't want to. It's the correct assumption in her case, at least so far, but it annoyed her - and me - that it seems that people find it difficult to consider the possibility that some people, especially women, simply don't want children. People thinking they can poke their noses into such a delicate matter also irritates her, and I agree.

I'm looking forward to speaking to my doctor next week about the IUS (compared to the IUD, it seems like the better option for me), and I will throw sterilisation into the discussion. I doubt I'd make the step now, as I am young and other methods would suit me better right now, but I'd like to know the 'rules" on it now, see if anything has changed recently.

[lacuna]

I'm confused. Given the rest of your post and the current leaning of the thread it seems that the bolded part works better the other way round :dunno: ?

(And Note: I'm not talking about the argument in general, I mean your post.)

Hmmm... It should perhaps read "better suited". I also left an "even" in there, after the comma, which should have been edited out after a rephrasing. (See what I mean about lazy?) Does it make more sense that way? My meaning is that people who don't want children are admonished for it because they're somehow better suited to procreate. I, for one, do not feel that I am, because of a lot of uninteresting stuff.

[Castel]

Hmmm... It should perhaps read "better suited". I also left an "even" in there, after the comma, which should have been edited out after a rephrasing. (See what I mean about lazy?) Does it make more sense that way? My meaning is that people who don't want children are admonished for it because they're somehow better suited to procreate. I, for one, do not feel that I am, because of a lot of uninteresting stuff.

Ah, I see what you're saying. Thanks for explaining.

[kairparavel]

All the power to those who want children and those who don't. Sympathies to those who cannot but want. It may not have been the plan but children are a choice nowadays. No right or wrong decisions so much as wrong or right situations.

[Minaku]

I think very often the people who don't want children are the kinds of people who would make good parents: responsible, always questioning if they could be doing better, doubting themselves, understanding that they will make mistakes. I respect the decision of those who don't want children. That doesn't mean I can't believe those people would make good parents. Self-awareness and self-criticism are important when it comes to raising children. There are plenty of people who lack those qualities who have children, and plenty of people who have those qualities who do not have children.

I came into my marriage not wanting children. My husband wanted children. I thought I'd try for one, and soon, since the age difference between us is 6 years and it would be completely unfair of me to make him wait on my decision. I had one, it turned out pretty good, I'm not a shitty mom, our kid is awesome. For several years after I had that first one I thought he'd be an only child until my hormones went crazy; now we'll have two. We're done at two. I'll just have myself committed if the hormones get out of control.

[Lightning Lord]

My answers in italics within:

Cedna

I have a long-term(ish) girlfriend, yes. But, she's not comfortable with using birth control. And I'm not comfortable with only one kind of contraception because I really don't want a child. I think I mentioned upthread...I am not sure how honest she's been with me about future parenting desire, and I worry that it will be a deal-breaker.

Minaku

We have enough Board parents that do wonderful parenting and raise great kids. The world won't miss my horrible attempt at raising a helpless crybaby into a self-sufficient, strong, productive adult.

[Minaku]

Cedna

I have a long-term(ish) girlfriend, yes. But, she's not comfortable with using birth control. And I'm not comfortable with only one kind of contraception because I really don't want a child. I think I mentioned upthread...I am not sure how honest she's been with me about future parenting desire, and I worry that it will be a deal-breaker.

Minaku

We have enough Board parents that do wonderful parenting and raise great kids. The world won't miss my horrible attempt at raising a helpless crybaby into a self-sufficient, strong, productive adult.

If your gf isn't comfortable with using birth control of any kind, whether hormonal or barrier, then that would be a dealbreaker for sure for someone who doesn't want children.

As for your attempt, no one will ever know at this rate.