MormontsRaven Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 I have a coffee date with a girl tomorrow and I have no idea what to do. I met her on Tinder. I have no idea what "getting coffee" at starbucks with a girl entails. What do I do? Do I offer to buy her drink? Do I hug her when we say hi or shake hands? How do I know if we're hitting it off? If we get a long do we go to lunch afterwards? I'm so worried and confused. Any and all advice would be helpful. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maithanet Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 I have a coffee date with a girl tomorrow and I have no idea what to do. I met her on Tinder. I have no idea what "getting coffee" at starbucks with a girl entails. What do I do? Do I offer to buy her drink? Do I hug her when we say hi or shake hands?I've never used Tinder so I don't know the rules associated with it. If you have a coffee date, I would indeed go for a quick hug when you say hi. I would probably offer to buy her drink, but if she thinks that's unnecessary, don't push it. How do I know if we're hitting it off?How does anyone know anything? Presumably she is not a robot, and you can do some interpretation of how things are going. If we get along do we go to lunch afterwards? I'm so worried and confused. Any and all advice would be helpful.I guess you could, but I wouldn't expect that unless she offers. In general, I wouldn't bring it up. The whole point of a coffee date is to have a quick, low commitment chat to get to know each other, and confirm that you aren't an ax murderer. If it goes well, you schedule something later that is a little more involved like dinner or a show or something. I'd just let it end, and go about your day like you have other things going on. If you feel like it went well, text her that you liked seeing her, and hopefully she'll respond likewise. If she does, try and schedule something for later in the week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NestorMakhnosLovechild Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 The phone call was pretty much the final straw kind of deal after all the rest, hence the all-caps. I stupidly responded to his text, listing out those items I listed out above, saying that I had a whole lot more reason to "not trust his motives" than he did mine. Now he's apologetic and wants to talk more tonight. Ugh. I think I'm a little jaded from dates where guys just seem interested in sleeping with me, and it sounds like he's a little jaded from some woman who tried to steal his identity (wth!?!?)... Is this really what dating is like lol There is zero reason for you ever to be communicating with this person ever again. You're not interested in him - and for good reason. Who cares about his reasons for being a fucking weirdo that didn't treat you nicely and didn't respect your personal space? Those are his problems and you are not his therapist. You shouldn't have bothered texting him back and you should cancel your call tonight, ban his number, block him on your dating profile, and move on with your life. Any further discussion of this with him is just an invitation to completely unnecessary drama. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deedles Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 There is zero reason for you ever to be communicating with this person ever again. You're not interested in him - and for good reason. Who cares about his reasons for being a fucking weirdo that didn't treat you nicely and didn't respect your personal space? Those are his problems and you are not his therapist. You shouldn't have bothered texting him back and you should cancel your call tonight, ban his number, block him on your dating profile, and move on with your life. Any further discussion of this with him is just an invitation to completely unnecessary drama.I rarely agree with Nestor quite this thoroughly but this. Yes. This. You deserve better Mandy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Larry of the Lawn Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 Don't even hear him out. Actions speak louder than words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brook Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 The thing about a certain type of guy is that they will always have a very good explanation for their actions and a reason for making you think you are wrong for your reactions to their behaviour. If this guy is one of those (and his actions don't give you any reason to believe he deserves the benefit of the doubt) than hearing him out is a really bad idea. Trust your first impression on this one, why on earth would he deserve any second chance? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Four-Eyed Raven Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 My husband was like this. I had to literally back him into a wall and lay a hot and heavy kiss on him. His shyness melted away. ;) He tells me now that he was so afraid of offending me that he didn't want to come on too strong. This is so good to know! And thank you ALL for your advice/two cents on my dating life (or lack thereof!), it's really appreciated and helpful! :cheers: I badly wanted him to make a move, and I now realize I should have just gone for it. I highly doubt it would have been refused, since we both were into each other. Maybe I can help move things along better this time, if he's still timid. I just don't want to read the situation wrong, at the same time (which was another issue previously). Him and I, who I'm going to refer to as the Engineer going forward, texted again back and forth yesterday for a bit. I proposed being some variant of "pen pals", which he happily agreed to. That made me happy, though I haven't heard from him today at all. But I won't overthink that (for now), especially when I know he's a very busy man with tons of projects going on for his PhD program. I just really like him all over again and have to resist the urge to text him for no reason...don't want to come off too strong and scare him away! :blush: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Four-Eyed Raven Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 I've never used Tinder so I don't know the rules associated with it. If you have a coffee date, I would indeed go for a quick hug when you say hi. I would probably offer to buy her drink, but if she thinks that's unnecessary, don't push it. How does anyone know anything? Presumably she is not a robot, and you can do some interpretation of how things are going. I guess you could, but I wouldn't expect that unless she offers. In general, I wouldn't bring it up. The whole point of a coffee date is to have a quick, low commitment chat to get to know each other, and confirm that you aren't an ax murderer. If it goes well, you schedule something later that is a little more involved like dinner or a show or something. I'd just let it end, and go about your day like you have other things going on. If you feel like it went well, text her that you liked seeing her, and hopefully she'll respond likewise. If she does, try and schedule something for later in the week. Prime advice, couldn't have said it better. Remember that she may be nervous, too, and that is perfectly okay and normal. :) You'll be able to tell if it's going well or not. After the nervous jitters subside a bit, the flow of conversation should become natural. If it's a flop, just think of it as a learning experience! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arkhangel Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 I don't know about going for the hug hello on a first date, depending on the girl she might think that was a bit much. Hug goodbye if it goes well, for sure, but for a hello I'd err on the side of caution. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arkhangel Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 OKcupid is giving me an option to "filter messages by attractiveness" (for money, obvs., so that's not happening). How do they do that, do you think? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sir Thursday Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 OKcupid is giving me an option to "filter messages by attractiveness" (for money, obvs., so that's not happening). How do they do that, do you think? You can give other people star ratings (either using the Quickmatch facility or just by filling it in when you visit their profile). I believe 'Attractiveness' is an aggregation of those ratings. If you read through the OKTrends blog (highly recommended even though there's only been one post in quite a long time), you'll see that they do a lot of analysis based on that rating. ST Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arkhangel Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 Interesting! Thanks! Edit: This blog is awesome, everyone should be reading it. Been sitting here giggling to myself over this chart: http://akcdn.okccdn.com/blog/10charts/ProfileWordsSource.png Gentle sex = England! Gardening! Crafts! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Disturber of Peace Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 The whole point of a coffee date is to have a quick, low commitment chat to get to know each other, and confirm that you aren't an ax murderer. Yeah those dudes that spray the whole can of Axe on them make it impossible for anyone to even breathe. Datekiller for sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fez Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 So, hypothetically, I didn't end up asking out that friend until this week; and, hypothetically, after thinking about it for a couple days, she told me she thinks we should just stay friends. I'm okay with that, and I think we'll manage to get by without much awkwardness. What I'm not okay with is confirmation of how completely useless I am at reading body language. The last two women who were interested me, I was so oblivious to the fact that they eventually had to straight up tell me "Hey, do you want to do something or not?" And there may have been others who didn't take that step, but I wouldn't know. Yet in this case, where I was reasonably sure that she was into me, it turns not so much. And this is the second time where I've been turned down when asking out a friend (although the other time I suspected was a long shot). It's all very annoying. The one thing I can take solace in is that just a couple days before I hypothetically asked her out, a mutual friend of ours (who I hadn't ever discussed this with) asked me "Hey, are you ever going to ask [name] out?" So either's he's just as bad (which is entirely possible, although he's engaged now so it doesn't really matter for him), or she really was flirting a bit more than's appropriate for just friends and I can be forgiven for getting the wrong idea. But still. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deleted01 Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 That's a shame, Fez. I hope you can remain friends without awkwardness.Well, I've moved home. Still settling in, and shifting stuff from my boyfriend's to mine. We're putting some more shelves up tomorrow in my room. It seems to be going well. I've got a job where he works, so hopefully we won't get sick of the sight of each other. Our shifts will only slightly overlap, and we won't actually be working together (plus I don't intend on staying there forever - it's just a small cleaning job to see me through), so it should be okay. The lack of privacy is starting to get on our nerves though. Bloody families :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Er Rn Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 I let things fizzle out with the guy who had kids and lived 2 hrs away. We both kinda did the slow fade which worked out great. No awkwardness. I've still been messaging with the other guy who I will call the Archer. We have tons in common and have been trading multiple paragraph messages with winky and smiley faces for several days. I gave him my phone number today and told him to text me sometime, so we'll see if anything comes of it. I think he's on the shy side, so it may be up to me to purpose dates and such. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Littlefingers In The Air Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 On the subject of being terrible at reading body language and making the first move, I've fallen on my ass so many times that I've stopped considering whether or not my desire for a date will be be reciprocated. If I want to go out with a woman, it'd take a force stronger than death, such as cookies or brownies, to get me to not ask her out because I've completely stopped giving any resemblance of a fuck about failing.Having a nice story to bring back to y'all is also in the back of my mind when I decide to go for it. This thread has pretty much become my favorite little corner of the interweb. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Er Rn Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 Having a nice story to bring back to y'all is also in the back of my mind when I decide to go for it. This thread has pretty much become my favorite little corner of the interweb.Same. Even though I mostly just lurk.If it wasn't for all the brave folks on here being open about dating on the internet and otherwise, I don't know if I'd ever get back out there in it.:cheers: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beorn_J Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 On the subject of being terrible at reading body language and making the first move, I've fallen on my sass so many times that I've stopped considering whether or not my desire for a date will be be reciprocated. If I want to go out with a woman, it'd take a force stronger than death, such as cookies or brownies, to get me to not ask her out because I've completely stopped giving any resemblance of a fuck about failing.Having a nice story to bring back to y'all is also in the back of my mind when I decide to go for it. This thread has pretty much become my favorite little corner of the interweb.Right on. I'm usually terrible at reading body language but was pleased I picked up on the fact that the girl I'd been out with a few times liked me but wasn't ready to date again. She had been engaged but her fiancé cheated. Anywho I'm getting better at this dating thing. Starting to enjoy it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpaceChampion Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 Met someone really ideal for me at my friend's wedding reception, now waiting to hear if she asks about me. We may be collaborating on research with the bride too so there is opportunity to get to know each other. After my last disaster it's clear I don't know how to read interest either so I may never make a move on Miss Mars, despite that she seemed to make a point of saying bye before leaving. Her lack of reply to my flirty msg isn't a good sign, but I know she is probably busy prepping for field work and will be away for weeks so there is no rush. My most successful relationship was also with a Mars girl and that took 9 months before she started plotting to seduce me, after initially having no interest. I guess I should have patience. As for the previous disaster, one would think someone asking me about commitment would be a clear indication but apparently it means "never have / never will think of you romantically." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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