My friend wrote her own book.... and its good! You guys might really dig this!

[Lady Blizzardborn]

becs32, congrats on your first book. I have some experience in this field and would be happy to help if you have any questions. Just send me a PM (I think you have to have posted 10 times before you can do that) if you are interested.

[Rorshach]

There's also this thread, but since I don't participate I can't say whether it's for you.

[Mudguard]

Thank you for this statement. I agree the formatting sucks! It's something I will work on immediately. I'm unsure if you had glanced at the old content before Amazon verified the second edition. I still hate the format, however, was able to procure funds for editing services. Hopefully it will be a series you reconsider in time.

I looked at the current sample on Amazon. You need tabs or paragraph breaks or something else that clearly identifies the start of each paragraph, because right now it looks essentially like one giant paragraph.

Honestly, the style and subject matter is not my cup of tea, but I'm pretty sure that I'm not your target audience. There are many, many books that I don't have an interest in reading that others enjoy. I have to give you props for having a good attitude despite some harsh criticism. Good luck.

[sologdin]

nothing wrong with ambitious prosopopeia.

[Kojiro]

This can be a really informative comment. Per your reference, may it be fair to assume the writing style is too floral and exaggerated for you? I would love if you could elaborate. I would be very grateful :)

Indeed. You... appear to go too far with adjectives and adverbs to the point where their usage is abused toward the edge of absurdity and silliness. I advise learning what the words you're using mean before you pick them randomly out of the thesaurus.

And hang a picture of Inigo Montoya next to your computer. He does wonders for finding the right word.

[polishgenius]

Yeah, I've only read the very start, but you're using way too much imagery, and quite a lot of it doesn't mean what you appear to think it does, which is leading to muddling. The first paragraph, as an example, uses a great deal of imagery that implies everything's still and stifled, but then you've got the twisting ceiling fan and the breeze, which is directly counter to the rest (thick air hanging by the ceiling also alarms my inner physicist). Also, her temper is crackling and she's yelling, but then she's drawling. Not an impossible feat, but it's an odd contrast, especially since you don't mention her gathering herself together in between.

I don't wanna be harsh coz you've put it together which is more than I've yet managed as a wannabe writer, but my suggestion would be this: write things in the simplest possible language first, then consider exactly what you're trying to say for each moment.

[becs32]

I looked at the current sample on Amazon. You need tabs or paragraph breaks or something else that clearly identifies the start of each paragraph, because right now it looks essentially like one giant paragraph.

Thank you so much, I've got it nailed on Nook :) Kindle uploader is a little more funky. Working on it

Honestly, the style and subject matter is not my cup of tea, but I'm pretty sure that I'm not your target audience. There are many, many books that I don't have an interest in reading that others enjoy. I have to give you props for having a good attitude despite some harsh criticism. Good luck.

[becs32]

Indeed. You... appear to go too far with adjectives and adverbs to the point where their usage is abused toward the edge of absurdity and silliness. I advise learning what the words you're using mean before you pick them randomly out of the thesaurus.

And hang a picture of Inigo Montoya next to your computer. He does wonders for finding the right word.

Lol!!!! That was a great link :) thank you for your opinion. Though I don't tend to randomly choose from a thesaurus, I will consider being more careful with my floral writing style. It's too bad you didnt read farther, I promise it's not all so extravagant :)

[becs32]

Yeah, I've only read the very start, but you're using way too much imagery, and quite a lot of it doesn't mean what you appear to think it does, which is leading to muddling. The first paragraph, as an example, uses a great deal of imagery that implies everything's still and stifled, but then you've got the twisting ceiling fan and the breeze, which is directly counter to the rest (thick air hanging by the ceiling also alarms my inner physicist). Also, her temper is crackling and she's yelling, but then she's drawling. Not an impossible feat, but it's an odd contrast, especially since you don't mention her gathering herself together in between.

I don't wanna be harsh coz you've put it together which is more than I've yet managed as a wannabe writer, but my suggestion would be this: write things in the simplest possible language first, then consider exactly what you're trying to say for each moment.

Thank you for this helpful comment. Perhaps my intention of contrast is not being properly formed. In the idea that our objective and physical reality are mirrors of our subjective and selves, I wanted to create the conflicting emotion that the character is also stumbling through, which would be the moment her anger snaps, or crackles, beyond the usual self control she maintains. Hence still air disturbed by a ceiling fan, or the attempted sense that her physical reality is holding its breath amongst a huge break in her life pattern. These things are later explained in the book as more is uncovered about this unusual girl.

However, I might have missed my mark. I am extremely grateful for your input and very best on your writing adventure! I'd love to know about it

[becs32]

The first paragraph, as an example, uses a great deal of imagery that implies everything's still and stifled, but then you've got the twisting ceiling fan and the breeze, which is directly counter to the rest (thick air hanging by the ceiling also alarms my inner physicist).

Think more a conjuring of energy....although all of that can't be blatantly revealed off the bat! It's part of the mystery ;) However, I will reconsider it's usage. Again thank you :)

[becs32]

nothing wrong with ambitious prosopopeia.

Agreed. Poets are infamous for it. I suppose I have a soft spot for it and need better practice ;) thank you

[dielsis]

Lol!!!! That was a great link :) thank you for your opinion. Though I don't tend to randomly choose from a thesaurus, I will consider being more careful with my floral writing style. It's too bad you didnt read farther, I promise it's not all so extravagant :)

I don't know if this could be helpful for you but I know it really had a tremendous effect on me: I remember a writer's convention where I weaseled my way over to Jim Butcher and showed him my ms. He flipped through much more of it than I would have expected and asked if I was open to honest criticism. He told me that nothing gripped him, nothing pulled him in, nothing was mysterious. I told him, "You can keep it if you want, it gets much better around chapter five." He flipped to chapter five, read the first page, and said, "You start it here. This grabbed me."

Having told him I was open to honest criticism at the time was a lie, since I wasn't even capable of removing the first four chapters (or putting them elsewhere). It was right in the middle of a plot I'd spent so much time on! Looking back on it, he was absolutely right. For me, now, if I share something and people get stuck, I take that to heart: whereas before I would protest or say, "That will be explained later." There are things which can be explained later - Emmy's history of physical abuse and her nervousness - and there are things which need to make sense right away - Emmy's need to be in control of herself and how those parts of her past conflict with that. Far be it from me to rewrite someone's work but a quick turn:

Whatever dream Emmy had been living in these past few years was over with the turn of a wrench. The old ceiling fan above her began to slowly spin and she realized that it paralleled her own growing anger. Its blades dared to slice through the thick, humid air as gradually and persistently as her temper flared through the calm demeanor she tried so hard to maintain. ...

From there the kitchen fight, etc. can proceed, though I would also advise rethinking your adjectives and adverbs. Your story's subject matter isn't particularly my style so I cannot comment on how genuine it is but your responses seem similar to mine. I hope you don't take that as a judgment of character - it's completely okay. You are, at least, open to what everyone is saying, which is a great credit to you! I hope my comments help in some way.

(If it helps, I'm in talks to hopefully sign on with an agency. So I guess if that falls through then don't listen to me!)

[Larry of the Lawn]

Heh, even though he's plausibly the most discussed author in this forum Bakker can't seem to catch a break.

I wonder if any of our threads on him led to more than 5 sales tops.

Abraham, OTOH, seems to garner some good rep around here.

I bought the entire extant second apocalypse series in trade paperback and as ebooks dokey because of the westeros ballet threads. I know I'm kind of a special snowflake but that's 10 sales right there.

Edit: 'dokey' should read 'solely'... Stupid auto correct has revealed me to have the texting habits of Ned Flanders...

Eta 2 : and 'ballet' should be 'bakker' ffs.

[becs32]

I don't know if this could be helpful for you but I know it really had a tremendous effect on me: I remember a writer's convention where I weaseled my way over to Jim Butcher and showed him my ms. He flipped through much more of it than I would have expected and asked if I was open to honest criticism. He told me that nothing gripped him, nothing pulled him in, nothing was mysterious. I told him, "You can keep it if you want, it gets much better around chapter five." He flipped to chapter five, read the first page, and said, "You start it here. This grabbed me."

Having told him I was open to honest criticism at the time was a lie, since I wasn't even capable of removing the first four chapters (or putting them elsewhere). It was right in the middle of a plot I'd spent so much time on! Looking back on it, he was absolutely right. For me, now, if I share something and people get stuck, I take that to heart: whereas before I would protest or say, "That will be explained later." There are things which can be explained later - Emmy's history of physical abuse and her nervousness - and there are things which need to make sense right away - Emmy's need to be in control of herself and how those parts of her past conflict with that. Far be it from me to rewrite someone's work but a quick turn:

From there the kitchen fight, etc. can proceed, though I would also advise rethinking your adjectives and adverbs. Your story's subject matter isn't particularly my style so I cannot comment on how genuine it is but your responses seem similar to mine. I hope you don't take that as a judgment of character - it's completely okay. You are, at least, open to what everyone is saying, which is a great credit to you! I hope my comments help in some way.

(If it helps, I'm in talks to hopefully sign on with an agency. So I guess if that falls through then don't listen to me!)

Thank you truly for giving me your time. This is definitely something I will consider. I am completely on board with your message, it has been very insightful!

[Derfel Cadarn]

Becs, maybe pick up On Writing by Steven King? I've found it quite useful on kindle.

I also used a program called Crucible (I think?) which helped convert a beta version of my novel for kindle. It kept all my paragraphing.

[Migey]

Becs, havn't looked at the book but one small thing.

Don't post 5 seperate comments. Post one big comment instead, much easier to read and less irritating. Or post one and if nobody else has posted something after your last comment, edit it.

That said, props to you for looking at the criticism we're giving you and trying to take it on board. Some lesser people would just blindly defend their work and justify themselves and put little effort into absorbing criticism. If this is your first book nobody expects you to be a great writer, and therefore as long as you keep improving, you're doing all you can (I mean, look at Sanderson's first book, and look where he is today. Can't say he hasn't grown into his craft a little bit).

[Liffguard]

Becs, maybe pick up On Writing by Steven King? I've found it quite useful on kindle.

I also used a program called Crucible (I think?) which helped convert a beta version of my novel for kindle. It kept all my paragraphing.

I'm not even a writer and On Writing is still a good read anyway.

Edit: Regarding the program you're talking about, do you mean Calibre?

[The Marquis de Leech]

OK, let's take the first sentence...

"Thick air hung meekly near the ceiling fan as it twisted nervously overhead."

Air can't be meek, and ceiling fans can't be nervous.

Unless the ceiling fan is underwater or in outer space, it is generally enveloped by air.

Ceiling fans are generally overhead. That's why they are ceiling fans.

If you want to tell us something about the air and the ceiling fan, show us something instead.

So you would have something like:

"The ceiling fan twisted and stuttered." or "The ceiling fan twisted and shrieked." That shows us we're dealing with a malfunctioning fan (it's making strange noises!).

[sologdin]

well, literally those nouns don't get those adjectives. but personification and metaphor can do anything.

blind mouths is one of the best things ever, for instance. so is massy entrails of the earth.

[Kojiro]

well, literally those nouns don't get those adjectives. but personification and metaphor can do anything.

blind mouths is one of the best things ever, for instance. so is massy entrails of the earth.

That only really works in poetry, as metaphor, personification and simile rule in that art form. When I read that kind of thing in prose fiction, though, I'm wondering what the author has been smoking and if he's cracked open a dictionary lately. It comes across with this bizarre, surrealist bent that's almost comical to read.