Mommy guilt and slow parenting

[Whitestripe]

OK, I admit it. My elementary school age children are not involved in after-school or extra-curricular activities.

My oldest (age 11) plays the clarinet in band and takes Spanish lessons at lunch. My youngest (age 9) can't join orchestra or band until next year (she has her heart set on the upright bass) but she has a college-age mentor that she meets once a month. They're going to a day camp for two weeks this summer, but that's it. That's all they do, besides be kids. (Luckily, my job allows me summers off)

We've tried art lessons, ice skating, gymnastics, ballet, soccer, swimming, baseball, basketball, etc. The kids say they aren't interested in going places after school or early on Saturday mornings. They'd rather spend hours and hours making up imaginary games about talking animals, riding up and down the street on their bikes or scooters, shooting hoops in the driveway, or playing in the backyard pond.

To be honest, I hated all the running and shuttling around but I kept enrolling them in stuff because all my friends' kids were in multiple activities, and I felt like I was doing mine a disservice by NOT asking if they preferred to stay home.

Then I heard about slow parenting and I realized that I wasn't a lazy, antisocial, homebody. I was a revolutionary! No more guilt! Suddenly, my children are allowed to just be kids and that's 100% OK by me. Don't get me wrong, if they've ever asked to join an activity, I've always said yes (except for Pop Warner Football.)

To be honest, I really like not having a million things scheduled. What about you, parents of the board? What are your kids into, and do you think youngsters are too over-scheduled these days?

[Frog Eater]

My 12 year old daughter is in the school band (she plays the Bassoon), she is on the math team, the quiz team, and takes volleyball lessons

She is in a magnet program for gifted and accelerated kids, and is in all honors classes so she studies a lot. She doesn't have a close friend in our neighborhood, but does occasional sleep overs at friends from school.

My 8 year old daughter plays outside or inside with the girl her age two doors down. I think she watches too much tv, so I welcome her playing with her friend.

[HexMachina]

My parents never forced me to do tons of extra-curricular stuff. Never played an instrument, didn't really go to sports clubs etc. I eventually took up gymnastics and trampolining, but that was entirely my own choice. My mam was good friends with the head coach and I went with her one day when she was meeting her, watched a class and asked if I could join. Mam was surprised but agreed to let me, and I took to it right away. She was always clear that it was up to me whenever I wanted to leave though.

I've never liked the idea of parents pushing children to take up all these activities. Let them be kids for goodness sake, childhood doesn't last long so they should enjoy it while they can. If they would rather make up imaginary games and play on their scooters and stuff then let them. I don't see the obsession so many have with filling every waking hour with "meaningful" activity.

[Whitestripe]

Frog Eater: Does your eldest seem too busy or is she happy in so many activities? (We have a friend who is not happy unless she is in at least half a dozen activities) The kids started a new school this year and I told Henry that he had to join the math team (during recess twice a week in the winter) and the Spanish lessons. After a semester, he told me that he prefers mentoring younger kids in math during recess to being on the math team, but he did want to continue Spanish. I said fine.

[MisterOJ]

As I've said on here before, my 11-year-old plays soccer. During this school year, she has played on four different teams; one select team, her middle school team, a second select team (but just when it didn't interfere with her primary select team, and a team in the local parks & rec (which was just for fun). Except when she broke her ankle practicing at the beginning of March. Then she was out for like 4-5 weeks until she begged her orthopedic doc to let her get back out on the field. When she isn't playing soccer, she plays trombone in her school band, performs in about any play her school will let kids her age take part in (she will be playing Toulouse in an upcoming performance of The Aristocats) and is in a couple of different service clubs at school. And since soccer isn't a year-round sport here, she also plays basketball through the winter months.

Next week there will be a hard decision that has to be made. On Tuesday is the spring band concert. She's been chosen as one of only a handful of band kids to play a special selection during the show. But, she also has soccer practice on that same night for her primary select team - which is playing in the semifinals of the State Cup the following Saturday.

You'd think that with school out, things would slow down. They are not. Every week in June, she has some kind of camp. Some even overlap like how she has a soccer camp in the morning of the first week in June and basketball camp in the afternoon. It's nonstop. I think she has like one or two weeks in July when she doesn't have anything planned. That's it though. Crazy how busy she is. Certainly wasn't like that when I was a kid.

My 9-year-old isn't nearly that busy. (But neither was my eldest at that age.) She goes to gymnastics once a week. She did a school volleyball team that practiced a couple times a week for like six weeks and that's about it for her now. She really wants to do competitive cheerleading starting next year, but I just can't get behind that. I don't like any "sport" where the uniform looks like something a common streetwalker might wear and all the participants have pounds of makeup caked on their face. I feel sort of bad about not letting her do it though. She really wants to, and I have been so supportive with letting her sister do soccer - but there is such a wide difference in my mind between competitive soccer and competitive cheer.

[Iskaral Pust]

I try to limit the extra-curricular stuff. It must be exhausting for kids.

Our 8 year old son has a swimming lesson once a week, a guitar lesson once a week (he practices for ~30 minutes most days) and a Taekwondo class once a week (he cut back from twice to once per week when he reached black belt). And even that feels like a lot. He has been doing all three for nearly four years already. He now swims pretty well (won't need one-on-one lessons too much longer), has a first degree black belt and is pretty accomplished on the guitar. His Argentinian guitar teacher does a few minutes of Spanish with him each week, which he also does in school anyway (although in two years of Spanish in school they are still only singing some basic folk songs!?)

He likes to play imagination games at home. He reads a lot. He pounces on me to "play rugby" with me. He also has extra homework because he needs advanced work for more challenge -- he has been doing second grade and third grade homework in math and English all of this school year. (I don't know what he'll do next year) He only gets to watch TV or play Minecraft at the weekend, and no more than an hour of each.

He doesn't want to do any camps this summer. We'll enroll him in one or two day camps for some external interests but overall I'd like him to enjoy this period of his life when his imagination is so vivid and he wants to just play.

I would not encourage my son to play on travel/select sports teams when he gets older, unless he is really passionate about it. They just sound like too much effort for parents and children. I've play team sports all my life and really enjoyed it but I think kids here over-play and get burnt out. He has his whole life to play sports and explore hobbies. He doesn't have to fit it all in right now.

It does feel like college admissions is part of the gratuitous extra-curricular frenzy, certainly by high school.

[Frog Eater]

Frog Eater: Does your eldest seem too busy or is she happy in so many activities? (We have a friend who is not happy unless she is in at least half a dozen activities) The kids started a new school this year and I told Henry that he had to join the math team (during recess twice a week in the winter) and the Spanish lessons. After a semester, he told me that he prefers mentoring younger kids in math during recess to being on the math team, but he did want to continue Spanish. I said fine.

It seems like she studies a lot to me, but she works ahead and gets bored in class if not challenged. The math team and quiz team were all her doing, as she came home one day and informed us that she had joined, and on the Saturdays when she has the competition, we take her.

She volunteers to go to extra math tutoring after school on Tuesdays ( She is straight A's so its just overachieving) and the Math club is after school as well.

I don't think she is overburdened, She had to interview and test into the school she is in, and she wants to stay. She enjoys the focus on success and lack of uninterested and distracted classmates.

Both of my daughters are in Girl Scouts as well, and on Thursdays (Girl Scout night) it is pretty hectic at our house. I dont know how people can have something scheduled every night of the week.

[drawkcabi]

Not a parent but speaking as a former kid I think slow parenting is awesome and what you're doing Whitestripe is great! Sounds kind of like how my parents raised me...let me grow up.

They tried to make me take piano lessons which I hated. I loathed. Just did not want. I think I had about a months worth when I put a note on the front door for the piano teacher "Drawk's sleeping, go away!" That's when my parents said, all right piano lessons aren't for him.

I'm so glad I had the chance to be free with my time and my play as a kid. It might have been better if I was encouraged to do more active things, more sports. At least introduced to it.

Also when I was 13 I started taking acting lessons. I kind of just lapsed in going to them and wish I had been pushed more with those.

So it seems like I'm describing a "damned if you do, damned if you don't' situation, which I imagine a lot of parenting is like.

However I think it could be just about knowing your kid. Asking them do you want to do this? and if they are like "NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!" let it go. If they are like "I don't know" or "No", but in a soft, unsure kind of way, it may be worth pushing them a bit more.

[Larry of the Lawn]

Not a parent, and apologies for chiming in because most of the time I don't really think non-parents should be chiming in on parenting issues, but I'll make an exception for myself in this case because.

I have three siblings about 20 years younger than me, and they're on the other end of the 'activity' spectrum, and I have to say, Whitestripe, what you're doing sounds great. You've given them the opportunity to be involved in things if they want to, but your'e not forcing them into stuff. I'll elaborate a bit on this other pole because I think the difference is obvious and instructive, and my family is a pretty extreme case:

My dad and my step-mom have my siblings schedules so packed full of stuff that it's actually impossible for them to do everything- in order to go to soccer they skip fall softball practice that day, in order to go to jazz band they skip cross-country or ice-skating lessons. And in the end they either hate it all or resent that they can't just focus on the one or two activities they actually give a shit about. Messier situations have evolved that I don't even want to go into, other than to say that in the last 6 months some pretty serious consequences seem to have resulted in my parents backing off a bit.

At the end of the day my two sisters and little brother hate most of the activities they participate in, but are forced into required to participate in anyway. The results are mixed, so far, but I can't say I'm impressed by the 'fast parenting approach.'

I think it's cool that if you're kids end up in an activity, that it's something they're passionate about. It's doesn't sound like you're denying them the chance to be involved in anything, or like they're stir crazy. It sounds pretty good all around.

[ElizabethB.]

I don't like any "sport" where the uniform looks like something a common streetwalker might wear and all the participants have pounds of makeup caked on their face.

That sounds "a bit" too harsh.

[Whitestripe]

OJ: My daughter isn't a girly-girl, but I think I would discourage cheerleading, too.

[MisterOJ]

That sounds "a bit" too harsh.

Ya think? How would you describe dressing up pre-teen girls like this? Seriously. That is the actual uniform of the big cheer squad here. I find it disgusting and trashy for any age female, but especially so for the 9-11 year old set.

[Swordfish]

Oh boy. A 'Cheerleading: Sport or Prostitution' debate.

This will end well.

*pops popcorn*

[ElizabethB.]

Ya think? How would you describe dressing up pre-teen girls like this? Seriously. That is the actual uniform of the big cheer squad here. I find it disgusting and trashy for any age female, but especially so for the 9-11 year old set.

At least they wear skirts on top of their leotards, sweetie.

http://dailybruin.com/images/galleries/gymnastics-ties-for-2nd-place-in-ncaa-championship-semifinal/gymnastics05.jpg

[HexMachina]

I cannot stand the phrase "mommy guilt".

I feel absolutely no guilt for any of my PARENTING (not "mommy", which is trivializing) decisions.

Generally, I drag my kid around Europe and Asia. He can read a map. I can't. We bond. I don't give a damn about stupid extracurricular activities. If you can behave in a plane for up to 15 hours, learn another language on the fly, convert currency like a pro, and have an opinion on the Lonely Planet guidebook, while not looking like an American tourist, you're an ok kid.

Damn, I'm going to hate it when my little buddy goes to college.

He can behave on a plane for 15 hours? Damn, I don't think even I could manage that :D

[Elder Sister]

Growing up, my parents couldn't afford a lot of extracurricular activities, so we got to choose one each. When my daughter was young, we did the same thing. And I think it's a good idea, honestly. I see children today, and their lives and the lives of the parents are so hectic, so chaotic, so stressed...I remember all of the time we spent with my parents doing family stuff, and I'm very grateful for that time. Those are the memories that stick with me.

[Whitestripe]

At least they wear skirts on top of their leotards, sweetie.

http://dailybruin.com/images/galleries/gymnastics-ties-for-2nd-place-in-ncaa-championship-semifinal/gymnastics05.jpg

You do realize that you are comparing a picture of a college gymnast with that of a middle school cheerleader, don't you? Furthermore, since they are both wearing long sleeves, the cheerleaders are probably showing more skin with their bare midriffs.

Lots of girls' sports have leotards and make up for competition. Gymnastics, ice skating, and dance are a few. Swimmers don't wear all that much, either. Thing is, gymnasts and swimmers are considered strong and athletic. Ice skaters and ballet dancers are considers graceful. Cheerleaders are just thought of a sexy. My daughter is going to have enough baggage just growing up female. I don't want to push the sexy before she even hits puberty.

Oh, and although it kills my gothic soul to admit it, I was a cheeerleader for Pee Wee football about 35 years ago. We wore shorts and t-shirts with the team logo on them.

[sologdin]

whyever should i be required to do anything as a parent? goddammed kids always begging for something. i gave you genetic material already, looters. precious bodily fluids! purity of essence!

[White Walker Texas Ranger]

Bring back free range parenting. Let them walk to school by themselves, have them play outside with minimal make-sure-they-don't-kill-each-other supervision, and leave in cars while the parents buy shit. I'm sure they'd rather be playing minecraft on their phones than walking through a hardware store.

[peterbound]

We've let dylan do pretty much what he wanted since day one. He's played soccer in the UK (hated it), Basketball back here in the US (acted like a tiny Velociraptor the whole time. Too young for that one), and finally landed on Football. Glorious football. He enjoys it, and is damn good at it. It does require, however, massive commitment on the part of the parents. Practice, camps, practice, rehab, lifting courses, speed work. All that shit.

Wouldn't change it for anything though. He loves it, and nothing brings me more jot than seeing that kid run out there on the field, and see that smile on his face at the end of the game.

As for 'being a kid'. He's been able to play outside, walk to school, ride his bike to the store, travel the world, stay at friend's house, and watch movies that may be completely inappropriate for his age. He's turned out to be an awesome fucking kid, and I wouldn't change anything in the way we raised him.