HelenaExMachina

Mental Wellbeing Thread

124 posts in this topic

Every time anyone posts something here I want to say something encouraging, something that might help even if it is just a little, but in the end I never manage to do so, because everything coming to my mind ends up being not good enough. Know that I read everything here, know that I feel with everything you write and wish you to get better.

Well... I wanted to say that so that it doesn't look like I'm just taking up space with my whining about petty problems. It's just that... damn, I'm just so thrown out of whack since last week. It's a reminder just how messed up I am that a single stupid mistake and the resulting anxiety is enough to destroy everything that I was trying to do. I was in between Master degree and teacher training, apparently everything study-related finished, all application papers properly sent, my position as good as secured and even more importantly I've promised to stay in contact with a few fellow students who go into teacher-training at the same time and was desperately clinging to the vain hope of getting something resembling an ordinary social circle for once, maybe even... I barely dare to say it... friends...

... or so I thought...

Because then it suddenly turned out that with all the chaos that is my computer science study on a campus without any professors, I somehow ended up missing 5 credit points. The problem was that the only professor left just before a new study regulation had to be implemented and I started with my Master studies, which means that I've only gotten a distinct course schedule in my third semester and had to guess which courses to take up until then with a system that offered me all of them and had the frustrating tendency to show me gained credit points only after something got acquired. Long excuse, short conclusion, I was too busy, too exhausted and too fucking stupid to keep track of all the weirdly fractured computer science courses and how they were somehow merging the credit points and that's why I missed a little footprint which read "replace this one with any 5 point course whatsoever" that went unnoticed because I also expected to get 20 credit points for my Master thesis, not just 15. There is still a sliver of hope though, since during my Bachelor I had attended and passed one 5 point course more than I needed to, so I've made an appointment with the examination board for this week to go beg them on my knees that this old Bachelor course could somehow get shifted to my Master. Till then half a year of my life is locked in Schroedinger's catbox.

And I am summarizing all this because this bout of stupidity is utterly wrecking me. I cannot face anyone at all. I've cut all ties, completely broken any contact with everyone who is going into teacher training and intend to never face them ever again if it turns out that I have to stay behind at university for half a fucking year. I now registered in one advanced software engineering course to accomodate for the worst case, but barely managed to make myself join a homework group (I turned down the first two invites because I thought it would amount to betrayal joining when I'm hoping for the chance to drop out of the course this week already). Whenever I meet someone I know on campus, I pretend not to notice them and feel like I should just bury myself somewhere in the yard. I thought this was just the initial shock from last monday, but it lasts till today. The worries, the anxiety, the crippling thought that I don't deserve even the tiniest amount of carefree conversation, all because I'm just an irredeemable failure. And I am just deadly afraid that when the worst case happens (and I fear that it will), then this feeling will continue for the next half a year and completely cripple everything positive that I might achieve with involuntarily extended study time...

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My not-sure-what-to-call-them (I guess girlfriends?) are so fucking messy.  SO FUCKING MESSY.   I lived with new girlfriends for nearly two weeks then had to take a quick trip to help a sibling.  Within a day of being away I realized how incredibly stressed I had been living in the mess and constantly picking up other people's shit.  I'm probably on the more obsessive end of the spectrum when it comes to a clean and tidy home so I usually expect that I'll be having to do more than my share of cleaning just to calm my anxiety about it.  This situation is just well above doing more than my share.  It's like being either a full time housekeeper or else slowly dying of the agony of having to live within the mess.  I mean, why not pick up your clothes from the shared bathroom floor and put them in the fucking basket??????

Yes, I know I should just talk to them about it.  I did a bit, but I didn't convey well how serious I felt this was.  Now that I feel the stress leave my body, I realize that it's way serious.  Maybe it's one of those things that will just go away over time as we all get used to living together and can adjust our expectations.  I wonder if maybe I need to speak to a therapist specifically about the anxiety I feel about messes and how much stress it causes me.  Or the most depressing thought of all, that this is something that can't be overcome and this awesome wonderful relationship is going to fizzle out completely.

Oh, and my SAD is kicking into high gear already and is made worse from being at a higher latitude where the days become so fucking short and it's cold and grey and miserable.

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4 hours ago, Dr. Pepper said:

My not-sure-what-to-call-them (I guess girlfriends?) are so fucking messy.  SO FUCKING MESSY.   I lived with new girlfriends for nearly two weeks then had to take a quick trip to help a sibling.  Within a day of being away I realized how incredibly stressed I had been living in the mess and constantly picking up other people's shit.  I'm probably on the more obsessive end of the spectrum when it comes to a clean and tidy home so I usually expect that I'll be having to do more than my share of cleaning just to calm my anxiety about it.  This situation is just well above doing more than my share.  It's like being either a full time housekeeper or else slowly dying of the agony of having to live within the mess.  I mean, why not pick up your clothes from the shared bathroom floor and put them in the fucking basket??????

Yes, I know I should just talk to them about it.  I did a bit, but I didn't convey well how serious I felt this was.  Now that I feel the stress leave my body, I realize that it's way serious.  Maybe it's one of those things that will just go away over time as we all get used to living together and can adjust our expectations.  I wonder if maybe I need to speak to a therapist specifically about the anxiety I feel about messes and how much stress it causes me.  Or the most depressing thought of all, that this is something that can't be overcome and this awesome wonderful relationship is going to fizzle out completely.

Oh, and my SAD is kicking into high gear already and is made worse from being at a higher latitude where the days become so fucking short and it's cold and grey and miserable.

You can borrow my cat.  She will pee on ANY clothing item left on the floor.  Took three weeks to train me to pick up my clothes from the floor, BUT IT WORKED.  Now she only pees in her cat bathroom.  Love you.

:hugs:

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10 hours ago, Dr. Pepper said:

My not-sure-what-to-call-them (I guess girlfriends?) are so fucking messy.  SO FUCKING MESSY.   I lived with new girlfriends for nearly two weeks then had to take a quick trip to help a sibling.  Within a day of being away I realized how incredibly stressed I had been living in the mess and constantly picking up other people's shit.  I'm probably on the more obsessive end of the spectrum when it comes to a clean and tidy home so I usually expect that I'll be having to do more than my share of cleaning just to calm my anxiety about it.  This situation is just well above doing more than my share.  It's like being either a full time housekeeper or else slowly dying of the agony of having to live within the mess.  I mean, why not pick up your clothes from the shared bathroom floor and put them in the fucking basket??????

Yes, I know I should just talk to them about it.  I did a bit, but I didn't convey well how serious I felt this was.  Now that I feel the stress leave my body, I realize that it's way serious.  Maybe it's one of those things that will just go away over time as we all get used to living together and can adjust our expectations.  I wonder if maybe I need to speak to a therapist specifically about the anxiety I feel about messes and how much stress it causes me.  Or the most depressing thought of all, that this is something that can't be overcome and this awesome wonderful relationship is going to fizzle out completely.

Oh, and my SAD is kicking into high gear already and is made worse from being at a higher latitude where the days become so fucking short and it's cold and grey and miserable.

Definitely speak to your therapist about the cleanliness issue, that's what therapy is for. Do what you have to do to nip this in the bud. I'll be rooting for you. 

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I think the vyvanse is causing me headaches been having bad ones daily for a a while.

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On 10/30/2017 at 3:38 PM, Toth said:

And I am summarizing all this because this bout of stupidity is utterly wrecking me. I cannot face anyone at all. I've cut all ties, completely broken any contact with everyone who is going into teacher training and intend to never face them ever again if it turns out that I have to stay behind at university for half a fucking year. 

I'm sorry that you are going through this. Please try to find a counselor with whom you can talk, because your response to this stressor is completely out of proportion to the situation. Shit, I took an extra year at university and I still managed to not be a failure. Good luck.

Edited by Xray the Enforcer

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8 hours ago, Xray the Enforcer said:

I'm sorry that you are going through this. Please try to find a counselor with whom you can talk, because your response to this stressor is completely out of proportion to the situation. Shit, I took an extra year at university and I still managed to not be a failure. Good luck.

Well, I know my go-to reaction can't be considered normal, I don't need a counselor to tell me this. But it is difficult to get rid of behavior learned from bad experiences. Having a history of people I called friends turning against me because my ostracized status became a bother to them, I have simply learned that people don't want to deal with people who have problems, no matter where they come from. That's why my go-to reaction to having a problem is completely avoiding any social contact until the problem is solved, so that the few people with whom I feel comfortable with get no reason to shun me instead.

What bothers me a bit however is that even though I managed to somewhat solve this problem (I only haven't gotten my Master degree yet because beaurocracy is so slow), I still haven't managed to resume contact. I guess I am already at a point past caring whether I just drift away or not...

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@Dr. Pepper  I spent half the evening last night thinking about how my girlfriend has been training me to be less messy during the workweek.  

Here's the stuff I was able to catch, I'm sure she's doing a lot more things that I don't catch.  

-Hamper anywhere I might drop clothes (bathroom and next to the bed)

-Key hooks / coat hangers near the front and back door that are comfortably placed so bag, keys, coat and binoculars can be stashed without even thinking about it.

-Throwing out all of my coffee cups except 3.

-I do ALL of the scrubbing type work.  Bathrooms, kitchen sink, vacuuming, mopping cleaning the fridge.  The "light chores" (vacuum / dust / bathrooms swiffer) get done once a week.  PERIOD.  Even if I'm tired.  Even if I have to work all weekend.  She spends all week picking up after me even though I'm getting better by changing my routine and consciously trying to get better, I often just don't "see" the mess I made while flying out the door.  Since she picks up for me the least I can do is ALL of the scrubbing and actually do it.  Not put it off, do it.

Maybe something like this could be worked out for your family?  So far it's kept my lovely and very domestic girlfriend from killing me.  However, if  I disappear from here, it's because she got fed up and I totally deserved it.  :P  I really hope something works out.

Oh, and seriously, if you've ever put on shoes and then realized 2 hours later, once your feet warmed them up, that a cat has peed in them, you'll NEVER leave stuff on the floor again.  Snack is my girlfriend's bad-cop enforcer.  Together they have me on a program with consequences.

Best of luck.   <3  I really hope you can resolve this.  Your family sounds wonderful in all other respects.

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Amazon is holding walk in events for on the spot job offers daily from 9 am to 1 pm from Monday thru Saturday. One of the job offers is for part time seasonal sortation associate. It doesn't require any prior work experience, it pays well, and it comes with benefits.  I feel like this may be opportunity to finally enter the work world, and hopefully come to terms with the regret I feel that I mentioned in this thread a while back.

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5 hours ago, KingintheNorth4 said:

Amazon is holding walk in events for on the spot job offers daily from 9 am to 1 pm from Monday thru Saturday. One of the job offers is for part time seasonal sortation associate. It doesn't require any prior work experience, it pays well, and it comes with benefits.  I feel like this may be opportunity to finally enter the work world, and hopefully come to terms with the regret I feel that I mentioned in this thread a while back.

Go for it :)

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On 11/15/2017 at 0:02 PM, Lily Valley said:

@Dr. Pepper  I spent half the evening last night thinking about how my girlfriend has been training me to be less messy during the workweek.  

Here's the stuff I was able to catch, I'm sure she's doing a lot more things that I don't catch.  

-Hamper anywhere I might drop clothes (bathroom and next to the bed)

-Key hooks / coat hangers near the front and back door that are comfortably placed so bag, keys, coat and binoculars can be stashed without even thinking about it.

-Throwing out all of my coffee cups except 3.

-I do ALL of the scrubbing type work.  Bathrooms, kitchen sink, vacuuming, mopping cleaning the fridge.  The "light chores" (vacuum / dust / bathrooms swiffer) get done once a week.  PERIOD.  Even if I'm tired.  Even if I have to work all weekend.  She spends all week picking up after me even though I'm getting better by changing my routine and consciously trying to get better, I often just don't "see" the mess I made while flying out the door.  Since she picks up for me the least I can do is ALL of the scrubbing and actually do it.  Not put it off, do it.

Maybe something like this could be worked out for your family?  So far it's kept my lovely and very domestic girlfriend from killing me.  However, if  I disappear from here, it's because she got fed up and I totally deserved it.  :P  I really hope something works out.

Oh, and seriously, if you've ever put on shoes and then realized 2 hours later, once your feet warmed them up, that a cat has peed in them, you'll NEVER leave stuff on the floor again.  Snack is my girlfriend's bad-cop enforcer.  Together they have me on a program with consequences.

Best of luck.   <3  I really hope you can resolve this.  Your family sounds wonderful in all other respects.

Excellent advice!  I like your girlfriend already.  

Came back from the trip and things were worse.  We actually have TONS of hampers.  One girlfriend does most of the washing just fine.  But then no one PUTS UP THE CLOTHES!  They just sit in hampers all around the house.  I went to put up clothes but all the drawers are a mess and stuffed full and don't get me started on closets.  *Shiver*  Worse, my car was a mess.  I don't get why one can't take the diaper bag inside each time, or toys or trash.  I might have accidentally screamed because it bothered me so much.  Ugh.  They are soooo soooo sooo messy and it's compounded by having three kids who aren't being taught how to clean up for themselves.  And the bathroom.  I won't even describe. How did I never realize how messy they were??

I've gone and invested in hooks and I've hung them in the appropriate places.  I got shoe racks.  I told them that they need to be on this because I'm literally going to start throwing up and pulling out my hair (yeah, I guess this clean thing is more compulsive than I thought).  I'm going to say no to the cat for now because they already have one and I'm allergic, but if it solves the issue, I'll take an asthma attack or two just for clean floors.  I'm setting up some other consequences for not doing basic housekeeping.  

And yeah, they are all wonderful otherwise.  :)  

On 11/14/2017 at 7:14 PM, KingintheNorth4 said:

Definitely speak to your therapist about the cleanliness issue, that's what therapy is for. Do what you have to do to nip this in the bud. I'll be rooting for you. 

Seeking out a new therapist now.  Having been the only adult for years in my household, I never had much cause to analyze this cleanliness issue because I got to decide how everything was.  I've spoken with people who know me well and have spent time in my home and they were very clear that I have a BIG ISSUE with this.  

Thanks for the advice!

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On 11/16/2017 at 6:37 AM, Theda Baratheon said:

Go for it :)

I was gonna go for it today, but due to some external factors and sitting down and really thinking about it, today wouldn't have been a good time to go. Thankfully, they'll be holding the walk in event at the mall until December 15, so I have some time.

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7 hours ago, KingintheNorth4 said:

I was gonna go for it today, but due to some external factors and sitting down and really thinking about it, today wouldn't have been a good time to go. Thankfully, they'll be holding the walk in event at the mall until December 15, so I have some time.

I'd try not to put it off too long lest it becomes a monstrous big thing in your head but fair play! Best of luck for when you do! :)

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This one is clearly on me.

It's 23:02 after two weeks of 12 hour, 6-day workweeks, and the first PhD application of the season is due in about 7 hours. The only chance I had to get a last, but important bit of feedback about specifically writing for American institutions, from a colleague who was out of the country, was yesterday evening.

Naturally this is the time I decided to have a fight with my semi-drunk mom. She's right. If I knew what I was doing, it wouldn't matter if she was clattering dishes at 23:02.

Well, I already knew she thought I'm not so smart (less smart than her. If it was her she'd be done already, is the point) and my various PhD plans - whatever those are, she thought I was stressed out because had to submit that paper -'you know, that big paper, about the thing, that you couldn't finish' - (MA thesis, I think? Done a month ago, and a month early at that) - pretentious and silly. But hey, nothing like hearing it spelled out loud when the one bit you have left to do is fix the 'insufficiently enthusiastic' and un-American vibe your writing (apparently) still somehow carries.

There are only so many times I can write 'extremely excited' in a one-page document, y'all. The alliteration alone is killing me.

 

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I sort of wonder if I'm going through some type of life crisis.  I feel so...unsettled?  I don't know if that's the exact word I want to use, but I guess close enough.  I find I tend to be a bit nomadic by nature.  I love being in new places, but I also love being home.  I think I'm sort of looking for a place to dig in roots, but also scared of the idea of being settled in one place.  I'm in a location where the idea is to find a place to settle, but nothing appeals to me at all.  Maybe the idea of it, but definitely not the reality.  I start wondering how I could have possibly wanted to do this.  Then when I sit to think about where I might want to be instead of here, I'm just as baffled and uninterested.  It's strange, unsettling.  I'm only in my mid-30's but I'm starting to wonder if maybe I'm having some sort of super early mid life crisis.  Is this what it feels like?

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Anyone ever find themselves wondering if they have been incorrectly/inadequately diagnosed? I’ve been struggling lately and going through some stuff that made me question my diagnosis and wonder whether I was receiving the help I actually need. Though I understand there is a lot of overlap and high rates of comorbidity between various mental health issues. 

I know, I know, a professional is in a better position to diagnose me than I am myself. I’m probably just over analysing stuff as per usual.

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58 minutes ago, HelenaExMachina said:

Anyone ever find themselves wondering if they have been incorrectly/inadequately diagnosed? I’ve been struggling lately and going through some stuff that made me question my diagnosis and wonder whether I was receiving the help I actually need. Though I understand there is a lot of overlap and high rates of comorbidity between various mental health issues. 

I know, I know, a professional is in a better position to diagnose me than I am myself. I’m probably just over analysing stuff as per usual.

Yup.  Years ago I received a diagnosis and it felt right in the moment and the treatment for it helped get me through a crisis.  After that and as time went on, I became less certain the diagnosis was correct.  At the time I was doing well but started to feel myself struggle and long term treatment and maintenance for the diagnosis just seemed useless for my situation.  I sought out a different doctor and she got a more thorough history and really took her time and arrived at a different diagnosis.  It feels right.  More importantly, there are more effective ways to manage my health with this particular diagnosis because treatment is slightly different.

I say it probably doesn't hurt to have it further examined, especially if you feel that you've been inadequately treated.  

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7 hours ago, Dr. Pepper said:

Yup.  Years ago I received a diagnosis and it felt right in the moment and the treatment for it helped get me through a crisis.  After that and as time went on, I became less certain the diagnosis was correct.  At the time I was doing well but started to feel myself struggle and long term treatment and maintenance for the diagnosis just seemed useless for my situation.  I sought out a different doctor and she got a more thorough history and really took her time and arrived at a different diagnosis.  It feels right.  More importantly, there are more effective ways to manage my health with this particular diagnosis because treatment is slightly different.

I say it probably doesn't hurt to have it further examined, especially if you feel that you've been inadequately treated.  

Thanks for some input. I’m not sure of the best way to bring up my concerns though with my current therapist (who is actually really good, so I’m a bit reluctant to leave her in any case). Do you have any advice on that? Is it best to just be direct and tell her “I’m finding myself worried that I may be improperly diagnosed becaus xyz?”

its also pretty clear if you understand my particular circumstances that parts of my current treatment will have to remain in place. This is why I mentioned overlap/comorbidity/imprecision of diagnosis, because parts of how I am being treated are clearly necessary but I can’t help feel it’s not all relevant.

 

eta; just chiming in on your ‘mid-life crisis’ post. It could just be that you haven’t quite found the exact right place yet, or that your general disillusionment is tied with the current social and political landscape in the US. I’m in Part basing this on some of your other posts (might have been US politics, which I read but don’t participate in) where you mention your difficulties with rural communities and looking for somewhere with like-minded people (or at the very least people who don’t actively hate you for bigoted reasons). I can imagine this being hard to deal with and leading to a sense of dissatisfaction. I realise I’m not offering any advice here but just my idle thoughts on your struggles

Edited by HelenaExMachina

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On 12/18/2017 at 2:26 AM, HelenaExMachina said:

Thanks for some input. I’m not sure of the best way to bring up my concerns though with my current therapist (who is actually really good, so I’m a bit reluctant to leave her in any case). Do you have any advice on that? Is it best to just be direct and tell her “I’m finding myself worried that I may be improperly diagnosed becaus xyz?”

its also pretty clear if you understand my particular circumstances that parts of my current treatment will have to remain in place. This is why I mentioned overlap/comorbidity/imprecision of diagnosis, because parts of how I am being treated are clearly necessary but I can’t help feel it’s not all relevant.

Hmm, I'm not so sure on this.  In my situation I was no longer seeing the original therapist who had diagnosed me as I'd moved so I was able to start fresh with a new therapist.  I think it's probably best to be direct and have your list of reasons handy.  Maybe she'll reevaluate or maybe adjust treatment.  I'm also a big fan of the second opinion if it's possible.

Quote

eta; just chiming in on your ‘mid-life crisis’ post. It could just be that you haven’t quite found the exact right place yet, or that your general disillusionment is tied with the current social and political landscape in the US. I’m in Part basing this on some of your other posts (might have been US politics, which I read but don’t participate in) where you mention your difficulties with rural communities and looking for somewhere with like-minded people (or at the very least people who don’t actively hate you for bigoted reasons). I can imagine this being hard to deal with and leading to a sense of dissatisfaction. I realise I’m not offering any advice here but just my idle thoughts on your struggles

I think maybe you're right in that I haven't found my place.  I've taken some time away to really clear my head and think and it's occurring to me that I constantly fall in love with the idea of something or some place without really thinking about the long term realities of it.  So I'm always going from one thing to the next when what I really need to do is figure out how to fall in love with the reality rather than just the idea.  Not sure if that makes sense, it works in my head lol. 

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For a change I'm not gonna complain about my own issues, well outside of a certain sense of helplessness in how to be of the most use.

Here's what happened: Yesterday I sat down and made up plans how to address the issues of my most difficult students. It is my last month before I quit my job as a study lab tutor and yet I had gotten quite a number of new students at the moment. And as if to mirror the current global climate, I noticed that among them were as many cases of children with depression symptoms as I had never had before. In fact, before that in nearly 5 years of work there I only once dealt with a boy who was struck with depression, but now among only 26 students there are four cases. One of them deals with it the same way I usually do when life takes a shit on me: By throwing herself relentlessly into work until she collapses. At least there I can relate to with my own experiences and give some encouragement. It's the other three cases where I am extremely worried about.

Thing is, they just freeze up most of the time, are totally lethargic and not responsive at all. When I take my time to talk with them alone, I get barely anything out of them when it comes to what their issues are and how to build up their confidence. Okay, in one case I am fairly certain it's related to bullying, but since I am not a teacher at her school, I can't tackle the problem at its root. The two other cases however... I am at a total loss at what to do and end up fearing for their health. Except those attempts at talking about this with them themselves, I only informed the studio administration and hope it can be brought to the attention of the parents this way. I'm also thinking about asking the little sister of one of those cases to be a bit more attentive to her, but given how hostile they are to each other most of the time and how she herself has to deal a lot with her own attention disorder, I'm not sure that can't backfire.

Bloody hells... and here I thought the attention disorder cases are the worst challenges, but through stupporn try-and-error attempts I now have a set of personal agreements and self-study schedules I can use to reach out to those. It's certainly not enough to replace medication, but at least I don't have any trouble with them being uncooperative anymore at the moment. But now students that are trapped in a vicious cycle of total lethargy... there I feel totally unprepared. I'm not a therapist, but as a teacher I have to help in every way I can, and here I am a little iffed that during my studies this wasn't talked about AT ALL. There was endless preparation for how to work with students of migration background and one single hour in which attention disorders were mentioned as an issue (without giving any tips of how to deal with it whatsoever, only that it is troublesome -.-). Depression and other psychological problems were never even mentioned, now that I think about it. And it vexes me to no end...

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