Sandra Hill, We Meet Again: Kiss of Surrender

[Datepalm]

Heinrich, who was a mere mung demon.... Mungs were a species of great size, often seven feet or more, oozing a poisonous mung or slime from every pore.

...as you'll recall. So, giant, slimy, demon Nazi. Hi Heinrich!

there were also the prestigious haakai demons, such as the five who were walking into the hall now with great pomp, their magnificent capes trailing behind them.

That's an interesting use of the word prestigious. And they have long capes! Like a king in a cartoon. I'm imagining them being, like, ermine trimmed red velvet, you know?

Now there's a bit of that casual misogyny and bad porn imagery we can't do without...

Kneeling next to each of the five chairs were five young, newly turned human girls, naked, with their hair pulled back to expose their necks. Just in case his guests wanted a “beverage.” He knew from personal testing that these five were especially tasty . . . damn sweet.

then they take a seat at the conference table where...

brass nameplates spelled out their names and territories.

He's running a classy joint here, you know!

“Hector,” Jasper greeted the first of the haakai to come forth.

Ah, I love how bad Hill is at names. Anyway, Hector is dressed like a Roman soldier (I'm assuming the cartoony version again, red mohawk helmet and stuff) cause thats what he used to be. He lives in the catacombs in Rome.

Next up was Haroun al Rashid, the Silk Road merchant who had been responsible for hundreds of slave deaths in his greedy human life. Haroun did the touching of heart, mouth, and above the head form of obeisance to him before saying, “Greetings to you from the Arab lands.” Haroun lived in Torment, a tent city in some remote Afghan region that he’d furnished lavishly to fit his tastes.

Man, history. And geography. Did she not even bother to google Haroun al-Rashid? Could she not just have called him Abdul or something? Nope, Haroun Al-Rashid.

I'm not strictly sure why i'm listing these guys - the book gives a great deal of text over to them, but that means nothing. It's entirely possible we'll never hear of them again.

Nevertheless, the next lot is...

Yakov, the Russian Cossack who had established a command center in Siberia aptly named Desolation, and Zebulan, the Hebrew warrior, who lived in a honeycombed volcanic ruin on a Greek island called Gloom. Then, there was the only woman in their command group, Dominique Fontaine, a six-foot-tall, black-haired voodoo woman, whose New Orleans mansion, Anguish, had a popular eating establishment and a torture chamber that defied description.

WHAT? The Russian Cossack with the Jewish name, the Hebrew warrior on the Greek island and the torture chamber diner?

Anyway, they all exchange some chitchat, except Dominique, whom Jasper does not like and who doesn't like him back. We know this because Sandra Hill tells us. They just glare at each other. And the snake Dominique has draped around her shoulder does too.

Heinrich liked to arrive late and make a grand entrance. He was dressed in his old Nazi uniform, loaded with medals, his back ramrod stiff. No tail today. Nor was he oozing slime as most mungs did. In fact, he was looking rather dapper with his blond hair parted on one side and slicked smoothly off his face. “Heil!” he said, stretching his arm outward toward Jasper, as if he were a frickin’ Hitler, when everyone knew Der Führer was roasting in Satan’s own version of Auschwitz.

News flash, Heinrich. You lost the war. Jasper nodded to the seat beside him and rapped on the table once again.

“Sorry I was late, everyone, but I was in conference with Luce,” Heinrich told them with an exaggerated grimace of apology. Luce being Lucifer, of course.

Stupid Nazis.

[Alytha]

Concerning Haroun al-Rashid, there's a Rashid al-Haroun in Pillars of the Earth, who is also a merchant...I wonder if Follett tried to be extra clever there.

Also, living in Torment? *snort*

And I wonder what Gloom means in Greek.

[Maithanet]

“Sorry I was late, everyone, but I was in conference with Luce,” Heinrich told them with an exaggerated grimace of apology. Luce being Lucifer, of course.

Really? Namedropping Satan so people think you're important? That's pretty low, even for a Nazi Demon.

[Datepalm]

Yeah, he's a really smarmy Nazi demon and Jasper really doesn't like him, the poor dear.

Heinrich glanced over at him and said, “Oops! Did I step on someone’s tail?” Then he pulled a laptop out of his leather shoulder bag and proceeded to tap away at the keys.

What the fuck is he doing now? E-mailing Satan? Holy Hades! Is there wireless in Hell?

Is there? Is there no wireless in the Anti-Svalbard Mountains Ice Castle? For shame. Jasper gives "Heiny" a tepid verbal smackdown and

Zebulan, at the other end of the table, grinned with satisfaction. Heinrich hated Zebulan with an unholy passion since he was of Jewish descent. Zebulan suffered no love for the Nazi, either.

...ok. I mean, demons, sure, but not Nazis! They all report stuff, and everything seems to be going swimmingly, except the truly excruciatingly bad jokes.

“So, do you serve snake on your restaurant menu?” Zebulan inquired with a grin.

Dominique licked her fire-red lips with a tongue that would do Gene Simmons proud while giving Zebulan a lascivious once-over. “No, mon ami. Just Hebrews.”

They all laughed, even Zebulan.

Is anyone getting the joke here? Do tell me if you are.

“We took a dozen Al-Qaeda members just last week, Lucifer be praised,” Haroun informed him. “And many soldiers of all countries who were at their tipping points for sin. Most important, I am well pleased with the progress we are making in turning Najid bin Osama, who, as you know, is from my territory. It helps that he is the long lost son of Osama bin Laden, one of dozens of his sons, lost or otherwise.”

...

“By the by,” Heinrich interrupted, “Satan is having a grand time ‘playing’ with Osama bin Laden down there in his deluxe suite.”

By the by, they've got Hitler down there too. So we're back to the moral and theological conundrums of Hill's books. The Demons are, you know, the bad guys and they take lots of time torturing bad people. But the vangels are out to save bad people. So, in this universe, the problem with Bin Laden is that no one got to him in time to save his soul. Which I guess is a commendably progressive and humane notion? On the other hand, the Demons also like to encourage baddies to stay alive and well because they cause more chaos? Like, you know, decadent sex cruises in Libyan waters.

After each of the other commanders discussed issues of importance in their territories, with special emphasis on newly killed humans and newly created Lucipires, there was another round of applause. Five hundred and sixteen kills in the past three months! Not bad!

Seriously? This is the global reign of demonic terror?

Their fiendish new plan is to "get some of the world's Special Forces on their side", because clearly they suck at killing people on their own. No wonder Lucifer had to send in a Nazi. Sheesh. Unfortunately, their plans are incredibly timid and low key in this area as well:

Although we don’t have any firm ‘recruits’ yet, there have been ten initial fangings that we intend to follow through on. Two of them are Navy SEALs, two Delta Force, two Mossad, two British SAS, and two Russian Spetsnaz.”

Hell has a serious issue of quality manpower here. Way to plan big. They've kinda, maybe, made a first move on ten guys out of all the world's special forces. They also have the attention span of a cupcake, so immediately they're talking about how what they really want is to nab one of the Seven Magic Brothers, because...

“Wouldn’t we all?” Dominique remarked. “The things I could do with one of The Seven! Pleasure-pain is my specialty, you know.”

Yes, they all knew!

“Aren’t we overextending ourselves a bit?” Zebulan asked.

Because important strategic reasons. No, Zevik, you're not overextended! You have hoardes of seven foot high demons at your command, and all you've done is organize a very tame orgy that failed and cultivated Osama Bin Laden's long lost son into evil (maybe.)

[MinDonner]

As if he were a frickin' Hitler...

...A Hitler?? Is this like the people who think "dracula" is just another word for vampire?

I am impressed with the satisfyingly underwhelming Enemy Forces. Though I'd like to know why the Greek island is called "Gloom". Did they just rename it to put off the inevitable tourist trade? (which might interfere with EVIL sex cruises by having... non-evil sex cruises instead?) Or does Ms Hill think that there's a remote chance that any Greek islands could legitimately be described as "gloomy"? Lucky for us that the torture chamber was "beyond description" as I dread to think what an actual description would have been like.

[Maithanet]

Lucky for us that the torture chamber was "beyond description" as I dread to think what an actual description would have been like.

It probably features a room with eleventeen walls, where prisoners are forced to march endlessly up the Penrose Stairs.

[Antonius Pius]

I dunno, seems a bit light for Sandra. Wasn't Sandra the one who gave us the barbwire-around-the-dick torture-porn?

[MinDonner]

TROND WHERE IS TROND WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO TROND

(I probably don't really want to know. But damn!)

[The BlackBear]

TROND WHERE IS TROND WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO TROND

He's just having a quick nap.

[Datepalm]

TROND:

Well, no, actually still JASPER:

So, they're scheming, at really tedious length, about the pros and cons of the "lets sinnify Special Forces soldiers, because they'll make totally cool demons." There's a stupid amount of back and forth about whether this is really the best use of their resources and blah blah, but none of it matters because the Devil liked the project and apparently hell doesn't have the greatest corporate communications:

“In what way does Satan want us to expand?” Jasper asked Heinrich.

Heinrich spread his arms. “Everywhere. Somalia. Cuba. Libya. Scandinavia. Spain. Canada. Germany. Everywhere. Most countries have special forces of some type or other. Wouldn’t it be impressive if we had Lucipires in all these units?”

I would actually read the book about the Somali special forces being infiltrated by demons.

They decide Zebulan should be in charge of the project, because he doesn't want to, and they're deliriously evil like that. Then we get to the evening's entertainment, where Jasper rounds up some random victims he keeps in jars (?) and...

A hordling wheeled in his new torture device. It resembled a two-man or -woman rowing machine with enormous phalluses projecting in either direction from the center.

There was a communal sigh of appreciation at his creativity.

He smiled. “I call it the Impaler.”

Ah, stay classy, Sandra Hill. Also, stay with the terribly lame descriptions. Amazingly, the chapter pretty much ends there and there isn't an account of the thingy in use, which is tame and tasteful for these books.

TROND! TROND IN BAR:

Many of the customers were singing along—rowdily, of course—with the three-person band—one woman and two men—to a song called “It’s Five O’Clock Somewhere.”

“I don’t understand the words,” Trond finally admitted.

“Easy, what planet you been livin’ on? The lyrics mean that men can drink beer whenever they want since it’s quitting time in some part of the world,” Cage explained.

“What? You American men are such halfwits! If there is one thing we Viking men know better than any other, it is that beer needs no excuse for drinking. Ah. It probably has something to do with you modern men . . . I mean, American men . . . being too much under the thumb of your women.”

He is the worst undercover anything ever. He also thinks about sex a lot, or, rather, he thinks about thinking about sex a lot, because Hill is a sufficiently bad, and utterly unsexy writer, to not bother to have him actually thinking about sex, but just to have him stand there going "huh, i'm thinking about sex."

“You dumb fuck! Are you sayin’ we’re pussy-whipped?” F.U. snarled.

Well, yes.

Trond spends paragraphs and paragraphs not getting into a fight, thinking about how he has to act nice because angel, blah, blah, how incredibly important it is not to get caught out, how they'll stick him in a "Frankenstein Lab" is they find out about him, etc, etc.

But then, he couldn’t help himself. He positioned himself so that only F.U. could see his face. With a hiss, he flashed his fangs at the man. It all happened so fast that F.U. just blinked at him, then howled at everyone else. “Did you see that? Did you see that? He’s got bloody fangs? Holy shit! Easy is a vampire!”

Worst undercover anything ever.

Then we get this exchange:

Trond turned to his other side toward the baby-faced SEAL known as Geek. ...Being of superior intelligence, a computer genius whose skills were highly valued by the military, he milked his innocent façade for all its worth; women apparently loved “babying” him. Meanwhile, when he was not being a SEAL, he was making vast amounts of money on some of his Internet projects.

“I understand you own an interesting company associated with the website www.penileglove.com,” Trond remarked politely. But what he thought was, Why would any man in his right mind put a glove on his cock? Oh, maybe it is a type of condom. “What exactly do you sell?”

Geek grinned at him. “Sleeves of wax to be warmed in hot water or a microwave. When a man dips his dick in the warm wax and then removes it from the sleeve, the wax hardens like a tight glove. Pulling it off creates an orgasmic sensation that can only be described as magic down yonder, if you get my meaning. I have samples in my car if you’re interested.” He waggled his eyebrows at Trond.

hot.

So, people with penises, interested?

[Gillio]

There's a waxing joke here somewhere, but I 'm not looking for it !

[Lummel]

...So, people with penises, interested?

No. Although I have only the one. Maybe those with multiple penises would give it ago.

[SkynJay]

A two man-or-woman rowing machine? Glad to know either gender can fit in the thing. Though I read the dicription twice and still can't figure out what it is. Maybe what I think is a rowing machine is in fact something different?

[The BlackBear]

Yay! It's back! I thought the wax thing was going down the route of that thing where you create a cast of your penis.

Also that sounds very hard to clean off.

[williamjm]

So, people with penises, interested?

I think the inventor might have to hope that all of his customers are too embarrassed to sue him for any unfortunate injuries that might occur because it does sound like a lawsuit waiting to happen.

[lacuna]

I think the inventor might have to hope that all of his customers are too embarrassed to sue him for any unfortunate injuries that might occur because it does sound like a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Surely (Shirley) it's a variation of this little gambit.

[Gillio]

I'm still confused about the rowing machine.

Are the rowers facing different directions?

[Lummel]

I'm trying to think about human anatomy and how one uses a rowing machine - you know actually sitting down rather than squatting, I can't see the phalluses as serving any other than a decorative function, if they are very long I suppose they would poke you if you rowed back too far :dunno:

Sandra Hill probably needs to look at some Hieronymous Bosch to get some fresh ideas.

[Gillio]

Well, in our younger days, hubby used to be in a surfboat crew, they used to pour water on the seats so it was easier to slide back and forth on the seat as they rowed; but i dont see.....

Oh....

ew.

[MinDonner]

Forget Hieronymous Bosch, it's not like there's any shortage of way gnarlier BDSM porn out there* for Ms Hill to draw inspiration from, if she insists on writing Hell as a kinky rape-dungeon. I think even Fifty Shades would be embarrassed to have "muahaha, two people fucking the same rowing machine at once!" as the Nadir of Depravity.

Also, hahahahaha at Trond's failure at stealth. I've only EVER seen subterfuge this clumsy when the author is deliberately going "hey readers, laugh at this foolishly inept spy", but my impression here is that we're supposed to be thinking "oh Trond, he's such a very virile viking that is far too manly to bother with the petty details of which century he's living in". Here are five of your earth dollars, bar-wench!

*or so I've heard :leaving: