Goodkind XXIV: Entertaining the Illiterate with Sweeping Epic Themes

[Caligula_K]

Well I'm gonna tell you anyway: You see, what happened was that Dick and Klan were supposed to be banging other people for some reason, but unbeknownst to them they were actually doing each other. But that's beside the point. See, Klan was really starting to get into it and got so crazy that she bleed onto Dick's dick. She must have felt bad about making such a mess because she decided to lick it all off, enjoying the flavor for some reason. Don't look at me like that. I didn't make this stuff up, it came directly from the mind of Tairy.

:sick: :sick: :sick:

Who needs us to write Sword of Truth slash fan fiction when the man can write such erotic scenes himself?

[PhelanArcetus]

Damnit, I need friends across the pond. Especially with my obsession with not buying hardcovers. I can't even buy Midnight Tides for another month or so because of that.

To write Goodkind... well, I don't think I can. Just to match his sixth grade writing level, I'd either need to regress myself to age 8, because I definitely wrote above my grade level always or get so hammered that... well, if I got hammered enough to write that badly, I wouldn't be writing. I might not be breathing.

[Muttering Bill]

Unwillingly, it's my duty as the keeper of Pestiferous Bandages. And sooooo slowly - since starting Stone of Tears, I've managed to read Reaper's Gale, half of Phantom Menace, Rogue Planet, half of Ghosts of Yesterday, and upped my wikipedia edit count by about a thousand. I'm on a bus for eight hours next week, I'm only bringing Stone of Tears and hopefully will finish it then. I can read policy for hours, but I find these books BORING.

I've found it's helpful to visualize the characters from Master of the Universe (wasn't it He-man that you'd likened Richard to a few threads ago?). Picturing Richard as Dolph Lundgren, complete with accent and monotone delivery. And every time he meets another male in the story -as he inevitably either wants to or does kill them - insert the phrase: "I will break you." It helps a bit.

[Muttering Bill]

I'm still on Midnight Tides, and Bonehunters/Reaper's Gale arent published in the United States. I talked to a friend of mine who lives in Canada and he said he would buy them from a bookstore and then ship them to me, but is this a bad idea? Are there any major discrepencies? I heard that one character supposedly had a gender switch or something between the U.S. version and the Canada/UK versions. So I guess my main question is are there any significant differences that will make it a bad idea to read the canadian version of bonehunters and reaper's gale after reading the first 5 in the U.S. version?

I bought the UK verisons of Midnight Tides and The Bonehunters, and had no problems with them.

[word]

I think the best possible way to prepare to write a goodkind book would be this:

1. Grow a beard and ponytail. Without these, there is absolutely no reason to continue on your quest to channel the Yeard.

2. Go out and buy a sword. Do not practice with it, this is not necessary as when you do use it, you will automatically know what you are doing.

3. Walk around raping people at forced sword point. If anybody objects, cut off their testicles and fry them. Also kill any small children you find on the way.

4. Assuming you have raped or almost-raped at least 10 people, and killed anywhere from 30-50 people, you are now almost ready to begin writing.

5. Pop 10 pills of viagra, take of all your clothes, put hardcore porn in the vcr.

6. Turn on your computer, and start writing to your hearts content!

*Note* Always keep a copy of every book in the Wheel of Time series on hand for when you run out of ideas.

*Note #2* Keep in mind that it is a book about important human themes, so you can and SHOULD use deus ex machina as often as possible.

*Note #3* Keep a broom in handy for all the sweeping themes.

Edited with some help from WLU.

[Jaxom 1974]

6. Turn on your computer, and start writing to your hearts content!

I have a problem with this one. I don't think Terry actually types his books into a computer. I think he hand writes them out on anything about, paper, envelopes, cocktail napkins and then it's up to his editor to put it all together in a pattern that Terry believes is about the human themes of life.

[WLU]

The gender change refers to a very, very, very minor character in Gardens of the Moon. The Canadian versions, besides a few other small changes in Gardens of the Moon, are identical to the American ones. And we have better cover art.

Brahm's correct, particularly about the abortion of the US cover art. I live in Canada, but 'cause I'm impatient I buy 'em direct from the UK - doesn't cost that much more actually.

Five posts in the last 24 hours shows you to be a liar. It's okay, lying is very becoming of uncelerious centipedes of collectivism such as ourselves.

Wah! Stop putting lie to my purpose!!

Awesome. Who is the gender change character?

So minor that even after five re-reads I still have to refer to GotM to remember who it is. Wiki says Orfantal

I've found it's helpful to visualize the characters from Master of the Universe (wasn't it He-man that you'd likened Richard to a few threads ago?). Picturing Richard as Dolph Lundgren, complete with accent and monotone delivery. And every time he meets another male in the story -as he inevitably either wants to or does kill them - insert the phrase: "I will break you." It helps a bit.

I'm contemplating trying to convince my girlfriend to gently fellate me while I read them, but for some reason she won't agree. Something about reading slowly in purpose. Chicks, eh?

5. Pop 10 pills of viagra, take of all your clothes, put hardcore porn this in the vcr.

*Note* Always keep a copy of every book in the Wheel of Time series on hand in case for when you run out of ideas.

*Note # 3* Keep a broom handy, what with all the sweeping themes.

Some fixes there for ya word, the whole entry gets a and a

Remember, in Tairyland it's a combination of congratulations and saying hello. Totally appropriate.

[WLU]

Well at least I believe in evolution.

Prove it! HA, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE! IMPOSSIBLE!

I really don't want to do my work today.

I think we can narrow that down to a single sentence:

"It was an odd-looking vine."

[word]

Orfantal...is that the Tiste Andi chick's brother? Turns into a dragon, rapes giant condors, etc?

ETA: I suppose I should've clicked on your link before writing this, but remember, today is spam day. I don't even remember Orfantal until Memories of Ice. Oh well.

[Muttering Bill]

So minor that even after five re-reads I still have to refer to GotM to remember who it is. Wiki says Orfantal.

I re-read GotM not too long ago, specifially looking out for this. I didn't see Orfantal's gender mentioned at all.

[Red Templar]

It's simple. You get the rawest aguardiente and you drink shots while reading Ayn Rand. Then when you're thoroughly plastered, you go read some of that Kirk/Tribble slash I mentioned and then channeling Tairy will be a snap.

But one has to be thoroughly trashed before being able to reach that Zen-like state of becoming one with Tairy...not that I ever particularly care to do that.

Or one just takes some of Clifford Bowyer's writings, SoTomize it some, and then pass it off as Tairy. Then let Clifford and Tairy fans battle it out

Another technique for channeling Tairy:

Go to the store and buy some raw chicken breast. Cook it halfway. Leave it out on your back deck (preferably in the sun) for a week. Eat it.

When the sickness starts to come over you, strip off your clothes and run along the shoulder of a busy interstate shouting obscenities, as you vomit all over yourself. After you are released from jail, go home and sit down at the computer while still naked, without washing off your crusty vomit. Begin your composition.

[word]

Does anybody know how paypal works if you try to pay somebody in Canada? Will my American dollars be converted to Canadian automatically in the transfer?

[Red Templar]

It's okay, lying is very becoming of uncelerious centipedes of collectivism such as ourselves.

Who are these "centipedes of collectivism" you speak of? Are they an ultra-violent splinter faction of the Lemmings of Discord? Do I smell a war brewing?

Or are they the minor league version of the lemmings? Do the centipedes dream of one day being called up to the big leagues?

[Mad Monkey]

I have a problem with this one. I don't think Terry actually types his books into a computer. I think he hand writes them out on anything about, paper, envelopes, cocktail napkins and then it's up to his editor to put it all together in a pattern that Terry believes is about the human themes of life.

The editor has to work with minimal or unhelpful input from Goodkind. It actually turns out that the books that Goodkind actually wrote were actually pretty good but by the time the editor pieces it together all the magic is gone.

[WLU]

Does anybody know how paypal works if you try to pay somebody in Canada? Will my American dollars be converted to Canadian automatically in the transfer?

No idea, but I am curious why you aren't just ordering it from Amazon.ca, or Amazon.co.uk. Has the current US government placed restrictions on the reading habits of its citizens already? I thought there was at least two or three more administrations to go before that happened.

Today, Red Templar is red because he's ON FIRE. Word is smoldering with resentment, Wolf Maid is smokin' and Moose is a towering inferno of Rage worthy of Richard himself. Me? I'm tepid, they've over-air conditioned the office today.

[word]

Well I looked at amazon.ca and I didn't really like how much it would cost, I think it would probably cost less through my friend. Maybe I'm wrong, but two paperbacks for 28 bucks just doesn't seem normal to me... Either way I would rather have him check the bookstore first than pay 28.00 + 9.00 shipping right away.

ETA: WLU in your sig I think you meant Yeardly, but you wrote Yearly. Silly lemming.

[Red Templar]

Myshkin, I barely managed to erase that from my mind and you had to remind me of it.

I shall now use language unbecoming of a maid. YOU MOTHERFUCKER!

In any case, she bled because things got too rough, perhaps had a tear in her external reproductive parts? Wouldn't that...hurt her a lot? I mean, really.

WM,

It is obvious to me that you need to start a vendetta list, much like the one MM maintains. And Myshkin has just earned his way onto it.

[Red Templar]

Today, Red Templar is red because he's ON FIRE. Word is smoldering with resentment, Wolf Maid is smokin' and Moose is a towering inferno of Rage worthy of Richard himself. Me? I'm tepid, they've over-air conditioned the office today.

Right now I am inspired by the US Air Force Thunderbirds, who are practicing over my house today. The house rumbles and shakes everry 10 minutes or so and I run outside to look, hoping to get a glimpse as they fly over in formation. Most of the times I'm too slow getting out there, because this Tairy thread has me captivated. I then funnel my frustrations into my posts.

Definitely nowhere near channeling the yeard, but it's a start.

[word]

USAF and you are from Ohio...where the hell do you live? Near Dayton? I'm going to Dayton in 2 hours to visit my friends at UD and hang out with my brother/go to air show tomorrow then talk to some scholarship people at UD to make them give me more money.

[Red Templar]

USAF and you are from Ohio...where the hell do you live? Near Dayton? I'm going to Dayton in 2 hours to visit my friends at UD and hang out with my brother/go to air show tomorrow then talk to some scholarship people at UD to make them give me more money.

Sounds like a good plan. I work right next to UD, and I live about 2 miles (as the crow flies) from the show grounds. I am working from home today so I can watch the Thunderbirds and the other show aircraft make their practice runs. It's a little hazy today, so it's difficult to see them when they are high up.