Ded As Ned Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 On the lighter side of things, I think J may have bolted after all, lol. Haven't heard from her since the last conversation, and she didn't return my message yesterday (a first). It's a little early to call for sure, but I'll know in the next few days. I would find it comically ironic if that after all her talk about the importance of honesty and openness, and giving me kudos for coming clean about my living situation before we met in person, if she told me exactly what I wanted to hear and then ran like the wind, lol. Not that I mind, because really I get it. But she could have just said so and no hard feelings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kungtotte Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 That's my main beef with this whole dating thing, online or not. We're all adults aren't we? Just speak plainly and honestly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KiDisaster Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 That's my main beef with this whole dating thing, online or not. We're all adults aren't we? Just speak plainly and honestly. Too many people have issues with this in all aspects of life, not just dating. Can't stand it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ded As Ned Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 Same here. As to dating, particularly when you haven't even met in person yet. I get that the better you know someone the harder it becomes, but when you've never even met what's the big deal with saying not interested? It's not your fault if I take it badly, and vice versa. For me personally, I'm rather picky in whom I'm interested in dating, maybe 1-2% of the women I come in contact with. So I expect maybe 1-2% of those I'm interested in to also be interested in me. If I'm going to be this selective (and I am), then I'd better damn well be ready to face a lot of rejection. Doesn't bother me at all. It's just statistics. Maybe I'm in the minority here though. In the end though I don't let it bother me because I know it's just in their nature for a lot of people to avoid any potential for confrontation. On the flip side it was kind of funny the other day a girl contacted me who was interested. On her profile she specifically said she found it rude when guys ignored her when they weren't interested, and just to reply and say so if that was the case. So I replied "Not really what I'm looking for, sorry. Take care". She deleted her profile 5 minutes later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sperry Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 Same here. As to dating, particularly when you haven't even met in person yet. I get that the better you know someone the harder it becomes, but when you've never even met what's the big deal with saying not interested? It's not your fault if I take it badly, and vice versa. For me personally, I'm rather picky in whom I'm interested in dating, maybe 1-2% of the women I come in contact with. So I expect maybe 1-2% of those I'm interested in to also be interested in me. If I'm going to be this selective (and I am), then I'd better damn well be ready to face a lot of rejection. Doesn't bother me at all. It's just statistics. Maybe I'm in the minority here though. In the end though I don't let it bother me because I know it's just in their nature for a lot of people to avoid any potential for confrontation. On the flip side it was kind of funny the other day a girl contacted me who was interested. On her profile she specifically said she found it rude when guys ignored her when they weren't interested, and just to reply and say so if that was the case. So I replied "Not really what I'm looking for, sorry. Take care". She deleted her profile 5 minutes later. Incredibly frustrating. Very rare to get a straight answer, which means you have to sit there and wonder if you're reading "signals" right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kelli Fury Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 Look, I know I'm in the minority here, but I don't think a person you've only been on a couple dates with owes you anything. I wouldn't expect a sorry not interested message and I wouldn't prefer it. I also wouldn't usually give one. Honestly, I think it's a pretty needy expectation to have openness and honesty from someone you really don't know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KiDisaster Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 Look, I know I'm in the minority here, but I don't think a person you've only been on a couple dates with owes you anything. I wouldn't expect a sorry not interested message and I wouldn't prefer it. I also wouldn't usually give one. Honestly, I think it's a pretty needy expectation to have openness and honesty from someone you really don't know. It's more common courtesy than "openness and honesty". A 2 second text from you so I'm not wondering whether you're not interested, just busy, or in some kind of mortal peril for a few days seems like a pretty tiny thing to want. Of course they don't owe me anything, but you don't have to owe someone something to be straight up with them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalbear Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 The amount of people that go batshit crazy when you do that bit of honesty sometimes outweighs the common courtesy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KiDisaster Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 The amount of people that go batshit crazy when you do that bit of honesty sometimes outweighs the common courtesy. Surely the type of person who goes batshit crazy at a "Sorry, not interested." message would go just as crazy, if not more so, at being ignored. Since you can assume they're also the type of person who isn't going to take a hint and stop messaging you. I dunno. I'm always straight up with everyone, and I appreciate people being straight up with me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ded As Ned Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 Look, I know I'm in the minority here, but I don't think a person you've only been on a couple dates with owes you anything. I wouldn't expect a sorry not interested message and I wouldn't prefer it. I also wouldn't usually give one. Honestly, I think it's a pretty needy expectation to have openness and honesty from someone you really don't know. I understand your position, but I'm curious at what point in a relationship you come to expect someone to stop being dishonest with you and start being honest, and vice versa? The amount of people that go batshit crazy when you do that bit of honesty sometimes outweighs the common courtesy. I have a hard time believing that a large number of people exist who will go batshit crazy over you telling them "not interested" but not go batshit crazy when you suddenly start ignoring them. In my experience, if they're going to go nuts, they're going to do it regardless of the method you use in cutting things off (and generally moreso when you do the whole avoidance thing). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kungtotte Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 Yeah I don't know, I think it's just common courtesy to be straightforward, but that might just be me.Particularly when you've got a conversation going, just fading away is kind of shitty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sperry Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 Agreed. I have heard the phrase "they don't owe you anything" used a lot re: rejections. And I disagree. No one is going to force you to let someone know instead of just ignoring them, but if you do that it makes you a pretty big jerk, IMO. Using the argument that they might "go crazy on you" is a ridiculous one, IMO. It's akin to saying, I think if I provide a common courtesy to this person they *might* respond in a rude way, so I'm gonna nip it in the bud by just being rude to them straight off the back." what kind of logic is that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ded As Ned Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 Yeah I don't know, I think it's just common courtesy to be straightforward, but that might just be me.Particularly when you've got a conversation going, just fading away is kind of shitty. It's not just you, trust me. (Or don't since I'm a stranger ;) ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kungtotte Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 Don't worry, I'm not about to climb into your van Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kelli Fury Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 It's not dishonest to say nothing instead of openly rejecting someone. You are not leading anyone on nor are you telling them anything untrue. A large number of dudes will not react well to outright rejection who would never pester you about it otherwise. These people are probably just as busy as you are seeing other people and living their lives. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inigima Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 I don't think anyone owes me shit, but I sure would appreciate it in cases like mine. Everything seemed to be sunshine, lollipops and rainbows on Sunday, then radio silence 36 hours later? I'm just confused. If she's not interested I'll get over it, but I'd like to know for sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ded As Ned Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 It's not dishonest to say nothing instead of openly rejecting someone. You are not leading anyone on nor are you telling them anything untrue. A large number of dudes will not react well to outright rejection who would never pester you about it otherwise. These people are probably just as busy as you are seeing other people and living their lives. To me, both of those are still openly rejecting someone. The only difference in the "say nothing" scenario is that it seems as if the offending party gets to pretend it's not (or less) offensive, and avoid any potential fallout that might occur. For me it boils down to a position of "some people don't handle rejection well, so I'll reject & ignore instead of reject & give them a chance to retort." More of what I was getting at, is: Once you have told someone you're interested in dating them, or you want to keep dating them, (or anything else for that matter) when you have no such intention is the textbook definition of leading someone on. And dishonest. imo I'll drop the debate at that. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion on the matter, and human nature isn't going to change regardless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Derfel Cadarn Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 I'm firmly in the camp of "common courtesy." I met Mr. Event Planner for coffee, and I'm on the fence - he dresses well, but there was just something about him where my chemistry wasn't 100%. I'm giving him another chance on Monday for dinner and drinks. I should be able to give an up or down vote by then. If it's down, I will just let him know that I just don't think we would be a good match. Tonight is Mr. Commercial Litigation at 8 pm. Mr Real Estate...Mr Event Planner...Mr Commercial Planner...Just bite the bullet and tell Satan when and where you want to go for drinks :p Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ankou Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 Reasonable place to share. I moved to a new place recently, small law firm is where I work, and I really don't have time to meet anyone outside the office and there's only 2 coworkers. I'm trying OKCupid for the first time in my 26 year life, so I'll keep you people posted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inigima Posted May 8, 2014 Share Posted May 8, 2014 Ended up calling and leaving a voicemail for that girl. Weirdly, no name on the voicemail -- generic greeting with no name, like "Please leave your message for .................... after the tone." Makes me wonder if something is up with her phone, but the only other option is to send a message on OKCupid, and there's no way to do that without looking like a psycho now that I've called. Think I'm just going to have to assume she's not interested. No idea what changed in two days. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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