Dating X

[Disturber of Peace]

Well I dropped the living situation bomb on J last night. I really wasn't sure what to expect but I didn't expect... this. She's cool with it, said she appreciated me being up front about it before we met in person and gave me bonus points for honesty. :) So while I was cleaning out my closet I went ahead and told her about the addiction problems in my past, even though it's not much of an issue these days and I've been clean for almost 6 years now. I figured that was a need-to-know kind of thing. So the conversation morphed into her jokingly saying my ex could watch all the kids (hers and mine) one night so we could go out. Which led to the ex actually volunteering to do that, and we're going out next week after her finals are done. Truth is stranger than fiction yo.

Fire the writers of your show for such convenience in plots!

Anyway, i am glad for you.

You bring up an important issue - that, in manipulation, less is often more.

Note that i do not think, based on what you said, that you were conciously manipulating. Yet your story can be used as a model for concious manipulating.

[Maithanet]

I know someone whose relationship fizzled when she realized that she was always the person doing the calling: when she stopped calling him, he never ever called back and that was it.

Somehow this strikes me as really sad. To be in a relationship with someone who can't even be bothered to call and break it off. Ugh.

Fire the writers of your show for such convenience in plots!

:laugh:

[Ded As Ned]

Fire the writers of your show for such convenience in plots!

Anyway, i am glad for you.

You bring up an important issue - that, in manipulation, less is often more.

Note that i do not think, based on what you said, that you were conciously manipulating. Yet your story can be used as a model for concious manipulating.

I'm going to wait until the season ends before I make a judgement on the writers. :cool4:

Yeah I wouldn't call it manipulation in the devious sense... But in that I had a desired outcome in mind (her not throwing in the towel before we've even met), and I tried to manipulate maneuver the situation towards my desired result. It's hard to argue that that's not manipulation, but if it's benevolent I don't know that it's a bad thing. She easily had the option to say fuck off and cease communication at that point.

I did learn a few things on the debate team in high school, in that it's not always the argument you're making that convinces people, but rather your delivery, presentation, and timing are often the primary factors in persuasion. (and once you've presented your case, you have to respect the opinion/decision of the observer even if it's not your desired outcome). I think that easily translates into dating in general. We're trying to persuade another person (who is presumably doing the same) that we are a potential partner/bf/gf/hookup/sex-slave (whatever you're after). First impressions matter a lot in long-term opinions, so I think you have better chances at presenting the reasons you have good potential before laying out the reasons you might not. You still need to present those negatives, but I dunno, I try to minimize their impact vs. the positives? I don't have much dating experience at all so I could be way off here. Your mileage may vary.

ETA: To be clear I went into this online dating thing expecting exactly nothing to come of it. I didn't think anyone would actually be willing to go out with a guy in my present situation (I've learned I often underestimate the humans). I thought I'd get my feet wet a little so I'd be more prepared to actually start dating once the ex has moved out. Famous last words, I guess. I'm still fairly skeptical anything will come of it, but so far so good.

[Ferrum Aeternum]

Congrats DaN! I hope your date goes well. :cheers:

[Prince Alexander]

If a guy is not initiating contact anymore (but used to prior to sex), it means he was after the notch and now looking at other opportunities, while not giving the woman a direct "I'm done".

2014 dating meta game is such: woman stops texting before sex if she's not interested, guy stops texting after sex if he's not interested.

Ideally in a relationship both partners are initiating contact the same number of times but this rarely happens. Most relationships have difference in partner quality levels where one partner is inferior, the superior knows they can do better and have an eye out of new potential partners.

[litechick]

Chats, I hesitate to interject but having acknowledged that you are a sub looking for a dom, it seems to me that he is training you. I think some people widen that dynamic to encompass all of their relationship and not just specifically the bedroom so maybe that's what he's after.

[Lily Valley]

Derfel and DaN:

Congrats! I hope you have a great time.

Chats, it's one day. Just wait. It isn't unusual for people to go radio silent for no reason at all for a couple of days. It's maddening, but it might be no big deal.

[Lily Valley]

Aw nuts, Chataya. I was pulling for a busy Monday at work. Sorry.

[karaddin]

I'd be careful with that Chats, only try be friends if you can be satisfied with that's all it is. Don't be friends in the hope she will break up with him again and he'll come back to you.

[Yagathai]

Well, MPDG told me that she may get back with her ex- or she may not, but either way she doesn't want to do the 2-hour commute so there's no LTR potential for us. That said, she hasn't ruled out the occasional hook-up. So, meh. I was kind of hoping she was going to work out, but better to know sooner than later.

[Insomnium]

Single after a two year relationship. My first on-topic contribution to the thread, I believe!

[kungtotte]

Isn't he the one who is supposed to hit it?

[Inigima]

Ladies of the board: if you'd had two dates and a kiss with someone, and they suggested a third date but you decided against going further, is that early enough that you'd just stop replying, or would you tell them that you'd decided to break things off? It's too early to be worrying, but I'm worrying.

[Inigima]

Chats: I'm the other party. Second date was Sunday evening, I kissed her at the end. I sent her a text yesterday (Tuesday) morning. No response yet, a shade under 24 hours. It might be nothing -- I did take a day and a half to message her (didn't want to seem clingy or just after sex), and she might be responding in kind -- or she might just be busy. Just trying to get a feel for how people would handle it, so I can judge what this is likely to mean.

[KiDisaster]

Ini, been there. What I'd do is give it another day or two and then send one more message, she doesn't reply after that then she's lost interest.

I really dislike disappearing acts. Just tell me you're not interested, I won't be upset. Easier for both of us.

Isn't he the one who is supposed to hit it?

That all depends on what you're into.

[Ded As Ned]

It's hard to say Inigma... there seems to be a broad spectrum of how people break it off. So she might just be busy, or she might be done. Personally if I've even sent messages back and forth and then decide someone's not for me, I'll at least send a courtesy message to say I'm not interested. Of course you also get a broad spectrum of responses to that as well. Some people are appreciative, some people get pissy. Try not to stress about it though. Give it another day or two and then maybe send a query. If they don't respond at the point then I'd move on.

Also, I've learned not to trust the online status thing. I've not visited the sites for a day or two at a time and have it show me as online most (if not all) of the time. Not sure what triggers it or if the sites do it to generate more traffic, but I don't put any stock in it anymore.

[Hutch]

So I've been seeing a girl for about a month and a half (the one from bowling), and she's a really sweet girl, who I enjoy hanging out with. Problem is I'm really introverted, and not even entirely sure I want a relationship. I've explained this to her numerous times, but she has persisted in making this a full blown relationship (ie. showing up unannounced, expecting me to spend every minute I'm not at work with her, etc.). Anyway, shit came to a head last weekend, and we've spent the week apart. We are supposed to be getting together tomorrow to talk things out.

Here's my question. I already know she's going to continue to escalate the relationship, regardless of what either of us say, it's just part of her personality. I don't have the time or energy for what she wants. So do I break things off clean, or take her word that we can slow things down and make it work? Fuck! I remember now why I hate dating.

[Maithanet]

So I've been seeing a girl for about a month and a half (the one from bowling), and she's a really sweet girl, who I enjoy hanging out with. Problem is I'm really introverted, and not even entirely sure I want a relationship. I've explained this to her numerous times, but she has persisted in making this a full blown relationship (ie. showing up unannounced, expecting me to spend every minute I'm not at work with her, etc.). Anyway, shit came to a head last weekend, and we've spent the week apart. We are supposed to be getting together tomorrow to talk things out.

Here's my question. I already know she's going to continue to escalate the relationship, regardless of what either of us say, it's just part of her personality. I don't have the time or energy for what she wants. So do I break things off clean, or take her word that we can slow things down and make it work? Fuck! I remember now why I hate dating.

That sounds extremely clingy. I'm pretty far along the spectrum of "spend lots of time with your SO", but if you just started dating, those are totally unreasonable expectations even for me. You have to have other interests and time apart are you are going to bored with each other. She needs to understand that.

Now, whether or not she can actually make that happen, is another question. If you think she can't, it's probably better to break it off. But you would know better than us.

[Ded As Ned]

snip

Here's my question. I already know she's going to continue to escalate the relationship, regardless of what either of us say, it's just part of her personality. I don't have the time or energy for what she wants. So do I break things off clean, or take her word that we can slow things down and make it work? Fuck! I remember now why I hate dating.

A clean break might be best. If you guys are not on the same page on the basic nature of your relationship and where it's going (if anywhere), it's probably for the best imo.

Knowing nothing other than what you just posted, it sounds like she is looking for serious LTR and you might be someone content to just date without the need to be progressing towards something more serious (or at least progressing at the lightning pace she seems to want).

[Hutch]

Thanks guys. I think I just needed to hear what I was thinking from someone else.