Goodkind XIII

[theMountainGoat]

Careful Alytha - he might take that as a come on and pass the agiel whilst saying "and don't go easy on me, I like it rough!"

[Alytha]

Disturbing thought, yeah.

[VigoTheCarpathian]

I know that besides Richard, there hasn't been a war wizard (remember?) for somewhere around 3,000 years. Did you guys know that in the ancient world, war wizards' clothing choices and their mixtures (their "outfits") denoted their rank, personality, etcetera? The following is a legend, denoting pieces of the "outfit", and what each color means:

Definitions:

Leather torso and leg outfits(known as "pants" and "shirt" to smartasses)

Ashen Gray - Color denotes willingness to "be more than friends" with a goat with good moral standing. Also indicates proclivity towards stabbing people, spine-ripping, and vomiting/crying with hatred when small children are around.

Black - The color of the Underworld, black is a warning: do not talk to this person if you value your life. A colorless, odorless void of nonsense, if this war wizard's speeches and vanity do not get you, then the wizard will probably kill you for your inferiority.

Blue, Sky - Indicates a raptor-like personality: plummets out of trees, is known to eat carrion, may lay eggs, but will probably get angry and smash them for not breaking free of the shell that binds them.

Blue, Navy - Meant to display that wearer is good with herbs: uses blueberries to cure diarrhea, can make the antidote to a poison using solely their magical abilities, possibly must employ poison sumac or stinging nettles in order to "feel anything, down there" while engaged in sexual activity.

Brown - A fabled "Gar-whisperer", this outfit was very rare indeed. Indicates that the wizard can communicate with Gars in the native Gar tongue, which is very difficult to understand unless you spend any time around retards. There is also some mention of the brown torso and leg outfits being employed to mask incontinence (the Diaper of Truth not having been invented yet, and what wizard could be taken seriously in a diaper?)

Green - This color choice was only used by self-loathing war wizards. Green denotes life, prosperity, growth, nature: basically a bunch of hippie nonsense that no objective person would believe in. Color is solely redeemed by sharing hues with the fabled "moral celery", a crunchy and negatively-caloric wizard's snack.

Red - A color choice that seems to have never been used in the histories of the Midlands or D'Hara. Experts theorized that while red would look "ubercool" on a wizard, and give everyone a "boner" if worn by a "uberhot" lady, the color itself indicated a love of torture and a willingness to lend help to people with Yeards. There is also some mention of red outfits theoretically being used to mask wounds and menstruation.

White - Color indicates power, but an elusive power that will probably be no good in a rape situation. Typically, white leg outfits are also known as "travelling pants" (refer to teeny girl movie, "Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants")

Flappy outfits that go on your back ("capes" or if hooded, "cloaks")

Ashen Gray - Wizard often accidentally rolls or falls into a fire: keep a bucket of water or sand handy

Black - Wizard accidentally loses powers, may get captured by enemies often: keep moral clarity level at 11.

Blue, Sky - Wizard will sometimes sit on a rock naked for days: keep eyes lowered if uncomfortable with dangly old-man balls.

Blue, Navy - Wizard believes he is the only one who knows the true heart of the Ultimate War Wizard: keep sarcasm and logic handy in case he goes berserk on your messageboard/encyclopedia site.

Brown - Wizard believes his internal organs are capable of digesting unedible things: may try to eat dirt, carpets, live screaming children.

Green - Wizard suffers from an inferiority complex, urinates self like a puppy whenever around anyone else with a perceived "cooler hairdo".

Red - Theoretical wizard may hit you with a Pain-Causing Dildo (PCD): only known counter to PCD (or "agiel" in D'Haran) is to be wearing the Diaper of Truth, or just to be so messed up mentally that you can halve your mind and unbrainwash the wielder with your servitude/fake love.

White - "Whitecloaks" are known as Blood of the Fold, and are not a ripoff from Robert Jordan, whatsoever.

Wrist and head outfits("headbands" and "claspy wrist protectors")

Bronze - Ancient war wizard coloring, this denotes a certain directness in personality, and a lot of inbreeding in family history.

Gold - The wearer is all of the worst parts of human nature. All bets are off as far as most of the other pieces of clothing: probably the most batshit crazy fundamental person you can find on the planet.

Platinum- War wizard is rich by Dungeons and Dragons standards. Try to hit him with your +3 Vorpal Sword from sneak attack, and rob him.

This, of course, is a limited list, and only based off of some writings that I discovered in an ancient crypt. Please, if anyone else knows more about war wizard outfitery, share with the group!

[VigoTheCarpathian]

Awww, c'mon...no love for my ancient crypt knowledge? It bruises my soul considerably that Mad Moose or any other worthy TG adversary didn't deign to take a look. But in case anyone is wondering:

Terry Goodkind, based off his writings, is probably a repressed sexual deviant! Guess what? If you like what he has written so far, you may want to undergo mental testing, based on your love of leather, and other deviant fabrics! Huzzah!

(And by the way, I'm still vehmently anti-Yeard...they're no good for society, and they're damn well not good enough for me!)

[theMountainGoat]

Well I enjoy your work Vigo if no one else did

I can't seem to find the inspiration to write a new parody of my own. I don't feel like I could top my previous efforts without the new ideas and and :sick: factor generated by the QotD. I miss the quotes!

Gah! I just thought, what if the thing I really miss is the writings of Goodkind? :o :o

[Sandello]

Vigo, this is wondefful. I laughed a lot and I'm hiccuping now.

[MinDonner]

OK, own up, who's dressing up as a War Wizard this Halloween?

@ Vigo, those outfits are magnificent!

[Moosicus]

Patience Vigo, I don't get around in here as much as I used to.

Btw, at one point in the story Zedd is wearing burgundy robes, care to explain the significance?

[Jaxom 1974]

OK, own up, who's dressing up as a War Wizard this Halloween?

Can't I just go dressed however I want. Say I'm a War Wizard. And if anyone disagrees or doesn't get it, I'll just bea the fuckout of them with a pointy little stick and call it magic. Something like that.

[Agulla]

Vigo,

I will never be able to decide in what colour to dress without having second thoughts.

Halloween and Richard Rahl. This gives me some ideas.

The Blood of the Trick

It’s Halloween and three friends have stopped to rest a moment after some successful trick or treating. Edd is a fat boy, he is dressed as a vampire, Sharon is dressed as a princess, and Paul is dressed as a zombie.

Edd: Let's go to that house at the end of Midland’s Road.

Sharon: The haunted mansion? I dunno, my parents told me to stay clear of Rand's Hall.

Paul: You chicken, or what?

At the word chicken to group of children feel that the air has gotten colder around them.

Sharon: They tell scary stories about that place.

Edd: They tell scary stories about Ligotti House, King's Palace, and Joe's Hill too, and the people there were nice and gave us candies.

After some discussing the three friends decide to try their luck with the allegedly haunted Rand's Mansion. On their way they pass in front of Jeff and Scott Thomas Rare Books, where they manage to collect some more candies to fill their bags. They spy other groups of children; some escorted by an adult others, like themselves roaming alone in the cool autumn night. When they pass beside the Tropics, an old fashioned bar with a mural painting inside portraying a tropical beach, they meet Mister Ford, who smiles at them the sad smile of those who miss their childhood nights of Halloween.

Paul: Sharon, your parents, what did they tell you about the house?

Sharon: My mom told me that it belonged to a sour old lady, who lived there for many years, always angry with the world. When the lady died the place was abandoned but now it seems that someone must live there because they hear noises.

Paul: Cool!

Edd: Yeah, cool!

Paul: Maybe it’s the old lady’s spirit that has never left the place.

Sharon: Oh, please.

When the three kids arrive to Midland’s Road the festive spirit, somehow restored by the reassuring sights of their little town dissipates as the ancient Mansion emerges in front of them, surrounded by a chilly fog.

Edd: Now I'm not sure we should go.

Paul: Chicken.

Paul strides fearlessly into to yard and his two friends reluctantly follow him. The house is dark and they can feel the cold that the place exudes but Paul is a brave boy and he has come here to have some candies but even more than this, he has come here to be scared. Adolescence is near and he feels that soon all the magic of nights like this one will be lost to the cynical bravado of youth. He knocks at the door feeling adrenaline surging by his veins, his heart hammering against his chest. Paul knows that Edd and Sharon have followed him and this makes him happy.

Then the door opens and a tall man dressed in black emerges from the complete darkness of the house. He stares at them raptor like, his eyes filled with cold fury.

Richard: Who are you and what do you want?

Paul: We are...

Edd: Trick or...

Sharon: Treat.

Paul raises his bag filled with candy but the man seems unimpressed.

Richard: I don't do weirdo cultural diversity.

Paul: weirdo what?

Richard: And your begging sickens me.

Sharon: We are not begging, we are just asking for candy, it's Halloween.

Richard: Asking for candy at people's doors is begging. If you want candy work for your candy, fight for it, earn it.

Edd: But we are not asking for candy because we don't have money. Look I have money; I mow lawns in the neighbourhood.

Richard: You beg for candy because it's the way your parents have to brainwash you, to make you become Altruistic, to make you ready to expect other peoples help, to choose death and not life. You live in a system that has raised you to be mere parts of a giant organism that wants to destroy your individuality.

Richard goes on and on for a long time and the kids seems unable to escape. Being polite children they have been taught not to allow people to finish what they are saying. Time passes and the night seems to be darker now, they know that they are being late and that their parents are going to be very worried but the man keeps talking and talking about moral vegetables and things equally strange. Finally he stops to catch his breath.

Paul: So you are not going to give us candies.

Richard: No!

Sharon it's really angry. She has waited for more than an hour for this man to stop talking and now he is not even going to toss a few mint sugar free candies in their bags. She does the first thing that comes to her mind, she sticks her tongue.

The man looks at her with hatred; it's as if some thing had suddenly grown in him. Then he kicks at her face.

It's Edd who saves Sharon. He grabs the back of her coat and pulls her back. The man's boot passes a few inches from her nose as they fall down to the muddy ground. Then the man turns to Jason who is still standing paralyzed. The man reaches behind him and a long and ugly looking machete appears in his hand, the word Truth engraved on its rusty blade.

Richard: Blade be true this day.

Paul can see that the man has two words tattooed in his knuckles; Life in his right hand, Death in his left. His eyes are looking at him, mesmerized by the moonlight reflecting on the rusty blade.

Sharon: Run Paul!

Sharon and Edd have managed to arrive to the gate. Then Paul turns and runs, he runs and the man follows him brandishing his machete, cutting the air closer and closer to his back.

Richard: Bringer of Deathhhh!!!

And now Paul is in the street and the three kids run screaming and do not stop for more than ten minutes, even if they know that the man has stopped pursuing them long ago.

They do not talk, they just stare at each and do not care that they have dropped their bags filled with candies in the dark front yard of the evil Rand’s Mansion. The last harvest of their childhood is lost to the dark secrets of the mad world of some adults. They part their ways when they arrive to their street, Paul is the last one, his house being the last one in the street. He covers the last meters to the comforting lights of home with his heart beating fast in the most abject terror, expecting the man with the rusty blade emerge from every shadow, remembering with horror the last sight of Rand’s Mansion, when he was running he looked back to see if the man was still following. It was then when he saw the woman, dressed in white, looking down at him from one of the windows of the ancient mansion. She was smiling evilly at him.

[Fanatic-Templar]

What, a Vampire and a Zombie, yet no comment about choosing Death as their disguise .

That was hilarious! Thanks for that.

[Agulla]

Fanatic-Templar, you are right.

I was so busy inserting supposedly "clever" nods to other horror authors (Goodkind does not write fantasy, he writes Horror as we all know) that one of the most simple and effective jokes passed me by.

If you wait one moment I'm going to hit my head against the wall.

Back.

Well, I should add Fanatic-Templar's suggestion:

Where it reads:

Edd: But we are not asking for candy because we don't have money. Look I have money; I mow lawns in the neighbourhood.

Richard: You beg for candy because it's the way your parents have to brainwash you, to make you become Altruistic, to make you ready to expect other peoples help, to choose death and not life. You live in a system that has raised you to be mere parts of a giant organism that wants to destroy your individuality.

It should read:

Edd: But we are not asking for candy because we don't have money. Look I have money; I mow lawns in the neighbourhood.

Richard: You beg for candy because it's the way your parents have to brainwash you, to make you become Altruistic, to make you ready to expect other peoples help, to choose death and not life. You are dressed as Death, had you chosen life you would be dressed as Noble Goats, Mud People, or maybe friendly Gars, not as Zombies and Vampires as you are. You live in a system that has raised you to be mere parts of a giant organism that wants to destroy your individuality.

[Ser Barry]

RIGHT!

I have in the past joined in with the mocking of Gookind but having finally read through two of his books from a totally neutral stance, I have to say they really are not that bad. I would actually now say that he is a decent writer with some great ideas.

Take some time to read his books properly before you jump on the fucking bandwagon!!

[Mme Erzulie]

Uhm... what?

[Sad King Billy]

Read naked fucking empire and come back to us.

P.S.: did you read a translation or an English copy?

[Ser Barry]

Posted in error.

[MinDonner]

Hey, I've just found this on the Spark Notes page about The Fountainhead - it's a description of Ayn Rand's main character...

Howard Roark is the undisputed hero of The Fountainhead, and his story drives the novel. His name contains the words “hard†and “roar,†both of which accurately describe his tough, determined character. Roark’s buildings suggest his personality, for like Roark they are innovative and austere. Roark never compromises or deviates from his principles. Rand holds him up as everything that man can and should be. Consequently, Roark does not develop over the course of the novel—the ideal man does not need to change. Although Rand despised religion, she often describes Roark as if he is a religious figure. Roark does not preach, and he never actively seeks converts, but he inspires absolute devotion and rapture in his followers. Cameron, Mallory, Dominique, and Wynand change their entire belief systems after meeting him. Dominique in particular exhibits a religious passion for Roark, racked by ecstasy and guilt as if inspired by a messiah. Like all Christ figures in literature, Roark’s enemies persecute him. Despite the hatred of the world, Roark lives life as Rand thinks it should be lived.

Sound like anyone we know?

[VigoTheCarpathian]

After extensive research (in my ass), I've found the legend for burgundy wizard outfits:

Burgundy (torso and leg outfits) - Denotes the wizard's "wise old wizard who is quite powerful, yet not quite as powerful as his young counterpart" status in society. Also may be associated with attraction to old ladies, drinking merlot, smoking pipes, using lame cursewords that anyone can tell refers to a scrotum, and generally being cliched.

Burgundy (flappy outfits that go on your back) - Indicates a potential sexual predator/"diddler". The only known burgundy cloak belonged to Bob "Uncle Filthy Hands" Zorander, who enjoyed eating the heart, brain, and testicles (a la beef tartare) of small boys because he thought they gave increased magical powers.

@Agulla: Hilarious Yeard-o-ween story, but I was expecting an ending that included a policeman telling the kids that "The Truth is coming from inside the house!"

@Mark Walters: I'm not sure if you can really know the pain of SoT without reading further. It's a strange dichotomy, but in order to truly hate it, you have to read more of it. After reading up to "Naked Empire", you will realize that the books have grown from an innocent little blotch of decent fantasy to a raging, pulsating tumor of terrible philosophy wrapped in a thin fantasy shell (complete with suppurating boils that ooze rape and pretentiousness).

It's really too bad that Yeardi didn't follow Rand's naming convention (Howard Roark -> "hard", "roar"), i.e. Kahlan Amnell could have been "Kahlan McAlmostRaped"

[kuenjato]

RIGHT!

I have in the past joined in with the mocking of Gookind but having finally read through two of his books from a totally neutral stance, I have to say they really are not that bad. I would actually now say that he is a decent writer with some great ideas.

Take some time to read his books properly before you jump on the fucking bandwagon!!

Although I agree that a "fucking bandwagon" may be in effect, I disagree 100% as to the debatable qualities of Goody's work. Wizard's First Rule is awful, the worst fantasy book I've ever slogged through. Trite dialogue, stupid world building, a rambling plot that ends with a direct rip from Star Wars, an excessively long torture sequence with little imagination in regards to torture (the latest episode of Lost shows effective torture), poorly thought out logistics, terribly flat prose......and this is considered Goodkind's "best" book!

[Baeraad]

RIGHT!

I have in the past joined in with the mocking of Gookind but having finally read through two of his books from a totally neutral stance, I have to say they really are not that bad. I would actually now say that he is a decent writer with some great ideas.

Take some time to read his books properly before you jump on the fucking bandwagon!!

Yeah, I've read this books, and I hated them long before it was cool to hate them, so less of the slurs and allegations, if you would.

I didn't hate them after having read the first two, though (I'm not one of the quick studies around here, who only had to read a couple of pages before realising what was to come). I liked the first, and I kind of liked the second, though the ending was a bit rushed and felt unrelated to the rest of the book. I didn't like the third at all, but it wasn't until after the fourth that I began to truly loathe Goodkind and all his viles and all his spawn...