Dear Donkey...

[Michael Seswatha Jordan]

Dear Donkey,

I hear you spend time with Kellhus and drink copiuous amounts of Busch Light. Truly, what are his intentions?

[maarsen]

Dear Larry,

This is an interesting question. In fact, every inquiry has been made to the tune of Making it Work by Doug and the Slugs, including yours. Who can say what cosmic force is responsible?

https://www.google.ca/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CB4Q3ywwAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DfwwPmNWQfIY&ei=OJRnVc_vHvW1sQSfy4OICQ&usg=AFQjCNH94LSlQPoFhnZ3E4j5rgKqZcUUdA&bvm=bv.93990622,d.cWc

That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

[litechick]

Today I do have a problem and while the goats cheered me they could not guide me.

The stage was set, the lighting cues written. The client was a high school for the performing arts so the air was thick with patchouli and ennui. Suddenly and moments before guest arrival one of the lights failed completely. Investigation revealed that the fuse holder had simply fallen apart. There was no evidence of melting and the fuse was not blown. I suspect that it succumbed to existential despair.

The problem: How do I convince the client that this was not my fault?

Thank you.

[all swedes are racist]

Dear Donkey,

What would be the best way to make amends to someone for coming across as a bit of a dingus? Shameless flattery seems so cheap and shallow, no matter how wise, witty, and by all accounts extraordinarily handsome the aggrieved party is, and an offer of an earnest yet platonic back rub is both impractical and somewhat creepy. Perhaps, in lieu of flowers or beer, sharing a nice song you think they may enjoy and hopefully haven't heard before?

Damned If Not GUilt Stricken

[Eyron]

Dear Donkey,

In your visions, have you forseen what will happen to this thread later in the evening, on the first Friday since it's creation? Will it survive the weekend?

Thanks in advance,

Anonymous Ninja

[Nas!]

Dear Donkey,

These mortal humans will never truly understand the depths of your wisdom. Trust me on this one, they are ignorant creatures, incapable of recognizing their betters.

Whenever I begin to despair for humanity, I listen to the second and third movements of Bach's Concerto for Two Violins.

Or sometimes Mancini's Baby Elephant Walk.

[Nas!]

Dear Donkey-

I've been looking for the mammary glands or udder of Human Kindness so I could extract the Milk and sell it online. Any idea where I would find these affectionate teats?

Sorry, no. If I had access to these fabled tits, I would definitely be busy making you all Lattes of Human Kindness right now!

[Elder Sister]

Dear Donkey:

Can you give us a brief history of yourself, and why you are so obviously qualified to dispense advice? How did you come to be so knowledgeable and wise?

Your fan,

ES

[Nas!]

Dear Donkey,

is Down Under a real continent or a myth?

Oh, it's very real. If you want to meet one of its human denizens, I suggest you go to the place where you can find them in their highest concentration: Whistler, BC. If you buy them beer, they will often regale you with tales of their homeland in their adorable accents.

Which is more moral, Europe or America?

Europe when you are in Europe, America when you are in America, and neither if you are anywhere else.

[Nas!]

Dear Donkey,

As I wander the blasted wastelands of oop north, better known to Southrons as Toronto, I often come face-to-face with the were-beasts of the outer plains, also known as suburban 905ers, and despair at their hatred for my person. As one of the Few (Torontonian), we seem to incite rage and hatred from all comers wherever we travel oop north. I will soon be moving to a home among the were-beasts, and worry about constant siege of my homestead. How do I make them love them? I would like to avoid being forced to instill a fear-based-love in them, by cracking open the skulls of their partners and staking them to my front lawn, as that would be messy albeit good for the garden.

Love,

Unloved Northerner

Dear Unloved Northerner,

In your situation, a display of violent force will almost certainly work against you long term. At first, the were-beasts will respect you, but their hatred and fear will fester and grow. When they finally figure out that they can overwhelm you with their numbers, even if many hundreds die horribly at your hands in the process, you will be done for.

I suggest that you buy a new wardrobe of loosely fitting clothes at the local Winners, including a Leafs hat (which you would be well advised to wear backwards), and throw a neighbourhood BBQ shortly after you move in. Nothing bridges the cultural divide like grilled meats and beer.

They may still hate you, but suburban social custom will protect you forever against them. You can ditch the costume anytime thereafter, really.

[Nas!]

donkey:

is the pons asinorum of equus africanus asinus in general apuleius' asinus aureus or shakespeare's bottom or milne's eeyore?

First let it be known that, in donkey society, the term pons asinorum is not used. Our geometry teachers usually use "elefuga" in its place, and most donkeys would not even have heard the term.

Your question is really three-sided, and so requires that I look at the issue from three angles. If your question supposes Euclid's original meaning of the term, then the answer is the Apuleian model. If you were using the term in the more common metaphorical sense, then the Milnean model would fit best. If you were using the less common (and brilliantly ironic) metaphorical usage of the term to mean "stumbling block", then obviously the Shakespearean model is most fittingly applied.

I'm not certain, of course, which answer you were seeking, but I trust you will find all three to have equal value.

[Nas!]

Dear Donkey,

I hear you spend time with Kellhus and drink copiuous amounts of Busch Light. Truly, what are his intentions?

Kellhus just wants the same thing that we all want: attention. Sadly, in his case, his quest for validation is terribly destructive to both himself and others. I've tried to point out some other, healthier, ways that he might find what he is seeking, but he hasn't been heeding my counsel. Personally, I'm starting to think that the only reason he even wants to hang out anymore is because he knows that I always have beer and weed.

[Nas!]

Today I do have a problem and while the goats cheered me they could not guide me.

The stage was set, the lighting cues written. The client was a high school for the performing arts so the air was thick with patchouli and ennui. Suddenly and moments before guest arrival one of the lights failed completely. Investigation revealed that the fuse holder had simply fallen apart. There was no evidence of melting and the fuse was not blown. I suspect that it succumbed to existential despair.

The problem: How do I convince the client that this was not my fault?

Thank you.

I suspected the goats would eventually let you down.

Fuse-holders lead sad existences. Everyone pays so much attention to the fuses themselves, and no one really considers the important work that they do all their lives. Then, when they die, no one thanks them for their long service, they are simply cursed for having died.

Convincing your client that this was not your fault may prove difficult. I'd suggest taking the "crazy approach", and start by asking them how they can possibly stand to be around so many ghosts all day. While they pause to answer, suggest how lucky you were that the one light going out was all the trouble that the ghosts really caused, and maybe add that ghosts have always liked you and never really given you a hard time. Ask your client if they would prefer that their mortal souls were at peace when they died, or if they liked the idea of haunting some place until the wrongs that caused their mortal demise were corrected? I'd finish this question by leaning really close to them and whispering that you sometimes think being a ghost would be kind of neat.

Good luck!

[Nas!]

Dear Donkey,

What would be the best way to make amends to someone for coming across as a bit of a dingus? Shameless flattery seems so cheap and shallow, no matter how wise, witty, and by all accounts extraordinarily handsome the aggrieved party is, and an offer of an earnest yet platonic back rub is both impractical and somewhat creepy. Perhaps, in lieu of flowers or beer, sharing a nice song you think they may enjoy and hopefully haven't heard before?

Damned If Not GUilt Stricken

Dear DiNGUS,

You are really just embarrassing yourself now. Have some dignity, man!

[Weeping Sore]

Dear Donkey,

Are ghosts real? And if so, why?

ETA: I'm a ghost, so I kinda need to know

[Nas!]

Dear Donkey,

Recently a number of my colleagues have found themselves accused of utilising unscrupulous business practices (much to my surprise.) Since then, others in the industry and various outsiders have been shamelessly bullying me and calling for my resignation.

I'm an honest, hard-working man simply doing my best to expand the business globally - have you any suggestions as to how I might be able to shut everyone up so that I can enjoy my post-election champagne properly?

Sincerely,

SB

Dear SB,

People think it's all gold and glitz at the top, but, as you well know I'm sure, it can be an awful burden. You dedicate a large part of your life to the honest building of an important international organization, all the while keeping clear of politics, and a few bad eggs below you start taking bribes (for example) and ruining all the good work you have done!

Shutting people up is extremely difficult, and it doesn't always work. I hate to ask you to compromise your exemplary principles, but people who take bribes (for example) always have one weakness: more bribes (also, of course, for example). Fight fire with fire, I say, because the unimpeachable work that you are doing to market whatever life-saving product it is that you make (cancer drugs? Robotic prostates?), is an end that justifies any means.

[The_BlauerDragon]

Dearest Donkey,

What if the theory that Garfield is actually an abandoned cat dieing of starvation and hallucinating about a happy and well-fed life with Jon and Odie, or the theory that Bruce Wayne is actually a mental patient at Arkham Asylum and all of his "enemies" are actually the deranged hallucinatory identities of the doctors and staff he encounters there turn out to actually be true?!?! What then?

[MisterOJ]

Dear Donkey,

I say "donkey" rhymes with "monkey," but my wife always laughs at me when I make this assertion. I'm right though... right?!?

[Larry of the Lawn]

Benevolent Ass,

Where can I get a robotic prostate? I feel like that's a great investment that should be nipped in.the buds asap.

Curiously,

Larry

[ElizabethB.]

Dear Donkey

If Larry ever gets one, could you please send me his resume and a pic?

We are running out of extras! Thanks!