deleted01 Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 She didn't do it for me. The important thing, for me, is that she stopped. Not why she did so. And the argument wasn't health, specifically. It was, mainly, the point that the smell is a massive turn-off for me. Yeah that still sounds like she stopped because you don't like it. I'm not saying cigarettes smell good, and smokers very rarely win any battle, but I'm not keen on the whole "I don't like this, you stop that" thing. I don't like the smell of my SO's farts, and I'm sure he doesn't like mine, but we shall continue stinking each other out. I suppose it just generally annoys me when people change for others, or when people expect others to change for them. I take Quorra's point on being concerned for someone's health - my SO has pretty bad IBS, so together we've recognised the triggers and he's tried to cut them out. But I would never have forced him to do that. Just like he doesn't like me smoking inside, so we'll step outside as often as possible. But again, that's for my own health, and out of consideration for him. From your posts, it really didn't seem like your girlfriend had much of a choice. But I may be wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lessthanluke Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Well of course she had a choice, stop smoking or end the relationship. It is totally fine to have dealbreakers. The other half doesn't have to change if they don't want to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arkhangel Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I think it's fair to have habits which are deal-breakers. I wouldn't date a smoker or a heavy drinker or someone who used a lot of drugs. Of course people are free to make their own choices, that's perfectly valid, but I'm then free to choose not to date them because of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frisco Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Sometimes people need an impetus to give up a bad habit. Sometimes that impetus is making their partner happy. Nothing wrong with that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lessthanluke Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I think it's fair to have habits which are deal-breakers. I wouldn't date a smoker or a heavy drinker or someone who used a lot of drugs. Of course people are free to make their own choices, that's perfectly valid, but I'm then free to choose not to date them because of it. Exactly. theguyfromthevale is free to say stop smoking or it's over and his girlfriend is free to say fuck off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quorra Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 When I was in high school I remember a guy who wore a T-shirt to school that said "I don't date girls who use 4 letter words like Don't, Stop, Quit" So, yeah everyone has dealbreakers in relationships. (God, he was repulsive) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deleted01 Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Would you really end a relationship over something like smoking? Well, okay, fair enough, I just don't see things like that as massive deals I guess. I suppose my partner doesn't do anything that annoys me *that* much. I can understand not starting a relationship because of something like that, but I wouldn't end one. Eh, different strokes and all that. (And I did say that smokers rarely win these battles :P ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arkhangel Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I would - smell is a big part of sexual attraction for me, if someone smells bad it's a huge turn-off. Plus, if I remember correctly, there were some issues with theguyfromthevale and his partner being on a tight budget and her spending their joint money on her cigarettes. That's something which would be a big problem for me too, if I were in that position. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The guy from the Vale Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Dracarya: Nope, she decided she wanted to attend a certain event in the future, determined that it would be about as expensive as her cigarettes until that day, and quit because of that. I hope she doesn't start afterwards, but we'll see. It also is a pretty big deal for me, and her continuing smoking would have ultimately led to me leaving, yes. I would never have started dating her, or become exclusive with her, if she had been smoking back then. I don't think I'd stay in a relationship with somebody who smokes and doesn't at least try to quit. For me, the smell is literally nauseating. I can't stand it at all. But my position didn't factor into her decisionmaking, at least not majorly so. She needed a tangible benefit from quitting, not just a potential negative. That event gave that to her. I hope it lasts beyond the event. ETA: I also gave her a chance, and quite a lot of time, to stop smoking. I didn't immediately stop the relationship the second she started. Quite the opposite. So I don't see how I'm being unreasonable here if I insist on a situation I can live with long-term. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lessthanluke Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Would you really end a relationship over something like smoking? Well, okay, fair enough, I just don't see things like that as massive deals I guess. I suppose my partner doesn't do anything that annoys me *that* much. I can understand not starting a relationship because of something like that, but I wouldn't end one. Eh, different strokes and all that. (And I did say that smokers rarely win these battles :P ) It's a pretty big deal for a lot of people. Obviously not for you or your SO but lets not pretend smoking is some minor thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deleted01 Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 It's a pretty big deal for a lot of people. Obviously not for you or your SO but lets not pretend smoking is some minor thing. There's no need to get snippy. I hate how every discussion about smoking ends up like this. I'm not saying it's a minor thing, but, and I know this may come as a shock to you, some people actually enjoy smoking. I was simply curious as to whether it was such a huge deal to some people that they'd end a serious relationship over it. I'm not really sure what my deal-breakers would be. I guess I wouldn't start a relationship with someone who desperately wants kids or someone very religious. But smaller things? I guess heavy drinking, as I'm not much of a drinker myself. And somebody who doesn't like cake :p Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lessthanluke Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I enjoy smoking a lot actually! Apologies if you detected snippyness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deleted01 Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 That's alright, I got snippy myself. (And you smoke? I didn't think you did! Huh, the more you know :laugh: ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lessthanluke Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I'm a social/work smoker. Try to do it as little as possible for health/fitness reasons! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arch-MaesterPhilip Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I'm going out for dinner and drinks with a friend next week. You may remember me talking about her, she is the lady who is/was(?) seeing the older gentleman. I'm not going to call it date because there is a possibility that it's not like that but I'm happy to be getting together with her just the same. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Theda Baratheon Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 There's no need to get snippy. I hate how every discussion about smoking ends up like this. I'm not saying it's a minor thing, but, and I know this may come as a shock to you, some people actually enjoy smoking. I was simply curious as to whether it was such a huge deal to some people that they'd end a serious relationship over it. I'm not really sure what my deal-breakers would be. I guess I wouldn't start a relationship with someone who desperately wants kids or someone very religious. But smaller things? I guess heavy drinking, as I'm not much of a drinker myself. And somebody who doesn't like cake :P I didn't really read it as Luke being snippy at all, maybe a bit cheeky. And he's right, some people really do care about smoking and the smell and I don't think they should be made to feel like they're just being trivial. Then again, I also don't think smokers should be made to feel like the devil but no one is doing that here :P I understand the defensiveness though (not meaning to insult) I know smokers are picked on a lot and especially in the UK when you can't smoke inside except in your house and it's obvious you don't, the chance of second hand smoke isn't too high. But some people really can't stick the smell and I understand that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karaddin Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I couldn't be in a long term relationship with someone who was smoking around me a lot. My sense of smell is sensitive and if I actually get any of the nicotine it gives me a migraine. I will however pursue something more casual where I don't expect the insane level of time together I have with Brook. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starkess Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 Yeah that still sounds like she stopped because you don't like it. I'm not saying cigarettes smell good, and smokers very rarely win any battle, but I'm not keen on the whole "I don't like this, you stop that" thing. I don't like the smell of my SO's farts, and I'm sure he doesn't like mine, but we shall continue stinking each other out. I can see your point, but also I think there is something to be said for a willingness to change. Not everything all the time, but taking your partner's desires into consideration is part of developing a relationship. I just thought your example was funny because my boyfriend hates when I fart in front of him (and he doesn't in front of me), and so I make an effort to step out of the room when I can. I could insist that he must smell my farts all the time and deal with it, but I care about his feelings. And he puts up with my incredible stinky sleep-farts with great humor. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Littlefingers In The Air Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 I have deal breakers like everyone else. Don't be a Jar Jar Binks fan is at the top of the list. Same with everyone else in the world, I'm sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dbunting Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 Everyone has deal breakers, even the ones who say they don't, they just don't realize it yet. My wife and I literally wrote out a list on a napkin while on a date. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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