Derfel Cadarn Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 Things seemed to be going pretty well with the girl I've been emailing on OkCupid. Last night I asked if she'd be up for meeting over the weekend and her reply was encouragingly enthusiastic. An exact day hadn't been agreed although I suggested Saturday.And then I got a phone call that my terminally ill stepdad had taken a turn for the worse and wasn't expected to last the weekend. This wasn't entirely unexpected although a few weeks earlier than I thought it would be. He died this afternoon which while very upsetting is also something of a relief as he was suffering badly, and it was hell on my Mum.Needless to say, I'm going to stay with her for a few days, and emailed the girl this morning apologetically postponing the meet-up. I kept it vague, saying only that it was a family emergency and that I'd be back next week and happy to arrange something then.Since then there's been nothing. I know through notifications that she's re-visited my profile twice this evening and while I don't expect instant replies, I get the feeling cancelling the first date may have blown it, even though it wasn't quite arranged and I stated I'd like to re-arrange it for next week.I'll have more than enough on my plate over the next 4 days, but when I get back next week and if I've not heard anything, do I wait a day or two and send an email, or write it off? Given the last one from her was enthusiastic, I don't know if she's taken me postponing as game-playing or messing her around. I'm new to this whole online dating thing and no idea of the 'rules'. Maybe I'm just being antsy, and she's waiting a day or so before replying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily Valley Posted August 31, 2013 Author Share Posted August 31, 2013 <snip>Maybe I'm just being antsy, and she's waiting a day or so before replying.First, I'm really sorry for your loss. I hope your family is holding up ok.Second, when things are a little less hectic, if you send an email with a specific date and time that would be appropriate. As a female with a family and STUFF to deal with, sometimes life gets in the way and that is understandable. I have also been stood up a couple of times. The follow up would be a new experience for me and one I would appreciate. Third, I'm really slow at processing. A day or two is nothing (for me), but I'm a dinosaur. If you don't hear from her, message again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TerraPrime Posted August 31, 2013 Share Posted August 31, 2013 I kept it vague, saying only that it was a family emergency and that I'd be back next week and happy to arrange something then.Sorry to hear about your loss, Dervel. *hugs*As for the above, I would suggest you just explain that your stepdad had just passed away and you are needed to be with your family. Yes, I know we all get jaded from the online thing with jackasses lying about all sorts of things, but a polite word or two won't kill anyone. If she can't find time in the next day or two to send a simple condolence message, then maybe you wouldn't want to date her. Just saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Derfel Cadarn Posted August 31, 2013 Share Posted August 31, 2013 Thanks for the kind words. It's a relief in a way as he was suffering badly and kept doped on painkillers. The last 8 months have been hell on my Mum and her own health was suffering so while she's really upset, she can start to take care of herself. My aunts been with her since yesterday, and my sister and I should be there in a few hours.I got a nice message from the girl (really need to learn her first name, but have shied away from personal info questions) so I can dismiss yesterday as angsty stress. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seventh Pup Posted August 31, 2013 Share Posted August 31, 2013 I am very sorry for your loss.I would think about perhaps about putting a pause on dating while you process your grief. It a big thing to lose a parent, and a step parent is still a parent. I remember going on a date with a guy who'd lost his father a bout a year before, and was still in pretty deep mourning. While he was nice a guy, and I wished him well, the date was pretty much dead in the water as soon as he brought it up.In fact I've dated about 4 guys who lost parents. The above mentioned guy, who lost his father as an adult. Then 3 others who lost one of their parents when they where younger. Of the 4, I felt like 3 where still actively and publicly processing their loss. They had a lot of grief and pity for themselves. Which is understandable and I don't know how who I would be if I lost my parents early. But they presented as such a big part of themselves, that as someone who didn't have emotional ties to them yet it seemed like a lot to take on.My husband was the 4th one. He lost his mother at age 9 to cancer. He never brought it up on the first date, when I asked him about his mom on the second date, as he'd only really mentioned his father and brother. He let me know that she'd pasted when he was 9. When I said that must have been hard he just said "it was, but I was lucky to have a great father and grandparents". This led to him discussing Chicago where he would go to visit his grandparents.I got to make an emotional connection with husband before he really spoke in depth about his mother with me. It was one part of him, but it wasn't all of him. Where as the other 3 it felt like the main part of them. They shared really intimate details about their losses with someone they didn't even know. I felt a bit like a therapist, and I was glad to listen to them and offer them what comfort I could. But that was not something that was appealing to me in a mate.Grief and loss are very hard deal with. It's a natural human tendency to want to share it, and you should with people you've known for a long time and have deep bonds with; and with people who are trained to deal with this. But when coping with a loss this big your in a vulnerable place, and it might to well to think about if you really want to date right now.If you do want to date right now, which is understandable. Try to let her meet you and get to know you; not just the loss you've just suffered.Also if your going to meet this girl go ahead and get her name. An easy what to do this is to give your name, she'll likely write back with hers. :) :grouphug: GOOD LUCK! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black Walder Posted September 1, 2013 Share Posted September 1, 2013 Thanks for the kind words. It's a relief in a way as he was suffering badly and kept doped on painkillers. The last 8 months have been hell on my Mum and her own health was suffering so while she's really upset, she can start to take care of herself. My aunts been with her since yesterday, and my sister and I should be there in a few hours.My condolences.I got a nice message from the girl (really need to learn her first name, but have shied away from personal info questions) so I can dismiss yesterday as angsty stress.After the first reply, I start tacking -[My Real First Name] at the end of my messages. 90% of the women who've already responded will respond in kind automatically without awkward questioning when you do this, and the other 10% are hyper-paranoid about the internet and almost guaranteed to never want to meet offline no matter what they say. It's her first-freakin'-name, not her SS#. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inigima Posted September 1, 2013 Share Posted September 1, 2013 Yeah, a while ago I started either introducing myself by first name in the first sentence or signing my name. Not everyone responds in kind, but most do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MercenaryChef Posted September 1, 2013 Share Posted September 1, 2013 Yeah, a while ago I started either introducing myself by first name in the first sentence or signing my name. Not everyone responds in kind, but most do.hatem, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Derfel Cadarn Posted September 1, 2013 Share Posted September 1, 2013 When stuff like this happens i tend to obsess about random stuff for a day pr two, probably a defence mechanism. I'll maybe delay the date for another week, as i wont arrange anything if i think I'll be affected. But I'm good at compartmentalisig stuff, and I prefer to do stuff than sit around moping. If it had been a sudden death, or my Mum/sister or nephew I'd be a wreck. I always got on well with my stepdad but we werent especially close.I'm down at my mums with my aunt and my sister. We're not really the types to sit around wailing types, and my mum prefers to keep busy. As she lives far away we want to get as much done before we go back. We've known it was going to be sooner rather than later since spring, an its a relief that its over, as my mums health was suffering.My profile contains my first name and I signed some of my emails with my name, but she's not stated hers so I'll wait until if/when we arrange to meet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Derfel Cadarn Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 Date arranged for Sunday (apart from time). I was meant to be nightshift but finally managed to arrange a shift swap so the date doesnt become a coffee stop.I asked if she prwderred coffee shop or bar, but she's been noncommittal. I take that to mean she wants me to be proactive and so Ive suggested a wine bar I'm familiar with. And now the joys of preparation begin. Ive a few new checked shirts, but thinkin of getting a plain white one. Thoughts? Bought new tan caterpillar boots, and have a nixe black leather jacket. Will wear jeans. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buckwheat Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 All of you dating online ... please tell me those are not real. :eek: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ser Reptitious Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 And now the joys of preparation begin. Ive a few new checked shirts, but thinkin of getting a plain white one. Thoughts? Bought new tan caterpillar boots, and have a nixe black leather jacket. Will wear jeans.I just wanted to wish you best of luck! And personally I really like the choice of a wine bar. :thumbsup: Unfortunately I can't really give you any advice regarding shirts. I'll let more fashion-conscious people handle that one. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily Valley Posted September 5, 2013 Author Share Posted September 5, 2013 All of you dating online ... please tell me those are not real. :eek:Totally real Buckwheat. And now the joys of preparation begin. Ive a few new checked shirts, but thinkin of getting a plain white one. Thoughts? Bought new tan caterpillar boots, and have a nixe black leather jacket. Will wear jeans.Your outfit sounds great. I like the plain white with blue jeans and black leather jacket. Second the kudos on the wine bar. Quiet enough to talk and a little alcohol to break the ice. Nicely done! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buckwheat Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 Totally real Buckwheat.I am not sure if unstoppable laughter or a repeated face-palm are the right reaction here. :lmao: :leaving: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sci-2 Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 All of you dating online ... please tell me those are not real. :eek:So the blogger took the pics off OkCupid?That seems like a massive violation of privacy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buckwheat Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 So the blogger took the pics off OkCupid?That seems like a massive violation of privacy.Apparently. :dunno: And, yes, I agree it is totally a violation of privacy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord O' Bones Posted September 6, 2013 Share Posted September 6, 2013 i am totally joining this site based on the nonsense that is inundated there. Maybe I can provide some of my own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lightning Lord Posted September 6, 2013 Share Posted September 6, 2013 I can't wait to hear it, Bonesie.This post made me sad. I clicked in when I saw that Mandy had posted, only to be crushed and discover that it had nothing to do with her own dating life. Come on Mandy, I live vicariously through your posts! If only because after a preggers scare, I am too terrified to go near a date. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ser Reptitious Posted September 6, 2013 Share Posted September 6, 2013 Uh oh, we've reached 400 posts in this thread already. :uhoh: Looks like Derfel may have to start a new one to let us know how his date went... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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