Sci-2 Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 O_o Sci Sci style at work ; thanks but no thanks is all you need. But he hasn't asked her out. I agree with Sperry on not answering back too often. Just send one reply every 2-3 days. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Summah Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 Usually he either calls me, texts me, or fb chats me every day. Maybe it's normal, but to me it feels like too much. And a lot of my replies (especially the past week or so) have been short, but that doesn't seem to deter him, I also haven't been initiating contact for over a week. I don't think I have flirted with him (but I also have a history of men misreading if I am flirting, but I think that happens to all women, so I don't know if that means anything), I have definitely made an effort to keep things platonic. I guess I really liked him (platonically) when we first met and now he's kinda annoying me, but if he stepped back a little I think I'd probably like him again (platonically). In terms of the lack of attraction, he's not my type physically and I don't feel like there's any chemistry. So if he does make it overt I will try to turn him down kindly and firmly. I have a feeling if he does pursue something he's the kind of guy who will ask for a reason why I turned him down, I guess I could go with no chemistry/not attracted to you thing. And I know I can't control whether or not he would still want to be friends if and when he asks and I turn him down. I think it's just the mutual friend things which makes it kinda awkward. Thanks for the advice everyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sperry Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 Usually he either calls me, texts me, or fb chats me every day. Maybe it's normal, but to me it feels like too much. And a lot of my replies (especially the past week or so) have been short, but that doesn't seem to deter him, I also haven't been initiating contact for over a week. I don't think I have flirted with him (but I also have a history of men misreading if I am flirting, but I think that happens to all women, so I don't know if that means anything), I have definitely made an effort to keep things platonic. I guess I really liked him (platonically) when we first met and now he's kinda annoying me, but if he stepped back a little I think I'd probably like him again (platonically). In terms of the lack of attraction, he's not my type physically and I don't feel like there's any chemistry. So if he does make it overt I will try to turn him down kindly and firmly. I have a feeling if he does pursue something he's the kind of guy who will ask for a reason why I turned him down, I guess I could go with no chemistry/not attracted to you thing. And I know I can't control whether or not he would still want to be friends if and when he asks and I turn him down. I think it's just the mutual friend things which makes it kinda awkward. Thanks for the advice everyone. This may be an over-generalization, but the type of guy who is going to often be the type of guy who doesn't any attention from women, has little experience dealing with them, and little confidence. To them, a woman giving them attention and being nice and friendly to them (which it sounds like you have been, since you say you do like him platonically) is much more than they get from most women so they can mistake this for an interest in something more than a casual platonic friendship. I know, because 10 years ago, that was me. I didn't have the confidence to even talk to women my age (this was as a 17 or18 year old or so), so I had very few female platonic friends. If a very friendly woman went out of her way to talk to me and be nice, I often mistook this for more interest than it was, leading to some to pretty painful rejections. By the second half of my college career, my skin had cleared up, I'd cut my hair to something respectable and started dressing better, and had women very forthrightly approach me that they were interested in more than friendship that gave me the confidence to actually just talk to more women in general, and thus the experience to gauge when someone was interested or not. And misreading the signals sucks for everyone involved. Not fun to have to feel like you're being pestered or to have to reject someone who you never gave anything that should have made them think you were interested. Also obviously not fun to be the person being rejected, and it's small consolation that you missed the signals and they weren't into you at all. I'm also not sure what you mean by the type of guy who will ask for a reason? Are you implying that it's a bad thing to ask why someone rejected you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sci-2 Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 Usually he either calls me, texts me, or fb chats me every day. Maybe it's normal, but to me it feels like too much. And a lot of my replies (especially the past week or so) have been short, but that doesn't seem to deter him, I also haven't been initiating contact for over a week. Meh, seems way overbearing for someone just interested in friendship. Maybe don't answer his calls? That would be my suggestion at least. And definitely spread out how often you reply to him. Like only reply to him at most once day via text. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brook Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 Are you implying that it's a bad thing to ask why someone rejected you? Yes Firstly because often enough you really aren't going to want to hear the answer 'well you're a fun guy but I just don't think you're intelligent enough to date" or even "I just don't find you attractive" can be hard to hear and really puts the person on the spot to mumble some sort of polite fiction that makes you both uncomfortable. Second because, intentional or not it really gives the impression that someone NEEDS a reason, and that unless there is something obviously lacking that they should want to go out with you. There really doesn't have to be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Derfel Cadarn Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 I Han Solo a couple people a year on I love yous. You take them out to a bar and shoot them under the table? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sci-2 Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 Second because, intentional or not it really gives the impression that someone NEEDS a reason, and that unless there is something obviously lacking that they should want to go out with you. There really doesn't have to be. Yup. I can understand the desire of people wanting to improve themselves if it's a character flaw, but that really isn't the rejecter's responsibility. There's also a huge gender imbalance where women should date nice guys [or have "valid" reasons outside of physical attraction for rejecting someone], whereas the opposite situation has less social expectation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Summah Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 Sometimes the reason for rejection is not one that someone wants to hear and not one that knowing will benefit in any sort of way. For example, I'm not usually attracted to white men (though there have been exceptions), and me telling some guy that I'm not attracted to him (at least in part) because he's white benefits no one. If I were the one interested in some guy who doesn't like women who look like me, I don't think I'd want to know that was why. Or telling someone I'm not attracted to him because he's overweight just seems cruel, yes maybe he will start taking care of his health more, but he probably already knows he's overweight, no need to rub salt in his wounds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Summah Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 And someone can ask why he's been rejected but he might not like the answer, and I shouldn't be obligated to give an answer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sperry Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 Yes Firstly because often enough you really aren't going to want to hear the answer 'well you're a fun guy but I just don't think you're intelligent enough to date" or even "I just don't find you attractive" can be hard to hear and really puts the person on the spot to mumble some sort of polite fiction that makes you both uncomfortable. Second because, intentional or not it really gives the impression that someone NEEDS a reason, and that unless there is something obviously lacking that they should want to go out with you. There really doesn't have to be. Well I certainly agree that if you are going to ask, it's not okay at all to be upset when they answer you honestly, which I think you are right that probably a lot of people who would ask would argue with you. And it sort of does imply that you need a reason, but that's not weird because you do do have a reason for saying no, otherwise you would have said yes. I'm guessing you mean that any reason is a good enough reason, which I also agree with you on. But I still think it's a fair question to ask. Because again, going back to my awkward, lacking confidence days, I didn't really understand why I was getting rejected. I mean I understood that the acne was not doing me any favors, but I didn't realize that I was dressed poorly, that my haircut looked ridiculous, and that my lack of confidence and negativity were not attractive. Had someone that rejected me sat me down and told me those things, it could have saved me a lot of misery. Again, I don't think you have any right to demand further explanation if they give you a polite non-answer, and you certainly have no right to get mad if they tell you something you didn't want to hear, but I don't think by itself it's an unfair question to ask. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sperry Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 Okay, I understand where you all are coming from with your answers. But like I said, I think the problem is more with the way the asker handles, than the question itself. There is nothing inherently wrong with asking the question, IMO, but I see where it's not often going to be of any utility. I guess my perspective is a little slanted since some of my issues that were offputting women were absoltuely correctable (adjusting outward appearance, attitude adjustment). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Summah Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 This guy might lack a little confidence, but he dresses well, so I don't think that's really an issue for him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brook Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 The problem is asking still implys that the person being asked owes you something, and that if all the reasons she gives you went away that she or he would go out with you. This just absolutely isn't true. To put it simply the default state is not going out with you, no body need a reason to not change the default, and asking someone to provide a reason (when most of the time it's simply going to be 'I'm just not in to you') is simply unfair and really comes across as acting like a douche. I certainly understand the impulse, rejection hurts and constant rejection hurts more but that's not the way to go about fixing it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TerraPrime Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 I dunno. If someone tells me that they're not interested in me because I'm Asian, then at least I can move on, knowing that I hadn't done anything wrong. If someone tells me that they're not interested in me because I am a sexist asshole, then I'd want to do some introspecting on whether that accusation has merits. But of course, there is a lot of grey area between these two ends. I think a more gentle description of "I'm just not feeling the chemistry between us to go further than a casual friendship" is honest-enough and yet not-too-brutal. There have been a few cases where someone wrote back to ask why, after I rejected them. In all but one case, what they wanted was to argue/defend themselves. That was no fun. The one case that didn't turn into this was a guy who was new to online hookup sites and I explained some things about what people are looking for at those sites (hint: not a 3-paragraph description on how you still love your ex and you are looking for someone Just Like Him). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brook Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 Ok are we talking about asking these questions on a dating site though? Or with people you've asked out in your day to day life? Because in the former I can see some reasons where it wouldn't necessarily be a bad question (although I really can't stress enough you have to be ready to deal with whatever answer that comes) but when you're talking someone who you simply took it upon yourself to ask out however and they said no I don't think they should be under any obligation to explain why they did not choose to change the nature of your relationship and I do think asking is nearly always entirely unreasonable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inigima Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 I am instituting a new rule for myself on OKCupid. If we have traded two messages and you still have not managed to write anything that isn't a reply to a question I asked you, I am going to stop replying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tellus Explorer Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 I have a date in a few days and I don't want to go nownow, because I'm on this whole anti men as of yesterday Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phaing Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 I have a date in a few days and I don't want to go nownow, because I'm on this whole anti men as of yesterday Then date a girl. No, not being snide, that's an actual option these days. Might even give you a new perspective on the whole anti-men thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tellus Explorer Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 Then date a girl.No, not being snide, that's an actual option these days. Might even give you a new perspective on the whole anti-men thing.I already have bud, lol but know I'm just so sick of sneaky cheaters... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phaing Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 I already have bud, lol but know I'm just so sick of sneaky cheaters... Oh snap, sorry about that. Well, now that I've stuck my foot in it.... I had a bad run like that too, with additive types that were a real downer. Got past it by leaving the whole social circle behind and starting a new one from scratch. Not trying to be preachy, but it worked for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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