Is Monogamy a failure as an idea?

[Ser Scot A Ellison]

From the Promiscuity thread:

That may be true, for you, but for those of us who are of a more romantic bent your statement is not true. There is something to be said for the intense endorphen related rush of the early stages of a relationship but there are levels of intimacy that cannot be experienced until you have spent as significant portion of your life with someone else. My wife and I have been together for more than a decade. We have a family together, we've struggled through sickness, family, and work turmmols together. That quick rush of "first date, first kiss, first sex" is intense but it, necessarily, lacks the depth and connection a long term relationship creates.

You may desire the repeated chemical high created by your choices. I'll appreciate and treasure the intimacy my wife and my monogamy has created any day of the week.

Out of curiosity, what is the longest relationship you have been a part of?

I thought this deserved its own topic. Obviously I disagree with Gwydden. I think that monogamy may not be for everyone but that doesn't mean it can't be for anyone.

Discuss.

[sperry]

Think you pretty much answered your own question. It very obviously works for some people, and very obviously doesn't for others.

[Tears of Lys]

After having been married over 36 years, I can truthfully say monogamy works for me.

I had said for a long time that I would NEVER marry. Having grown up in a household where there were constant battles, and seeing that my mother would have left many times if she had only had somewhere to go, left me feeling that marriage was a trap.

Frankly, if you don't marry the right person, it can be a living hell. As a court reporter, I often report divorce matters, and if you want to see how people can screw up their lives, just sit through a few of those.

But I met a man whom I felt was, cliché as it may sound, the yin to my yang. On top of that, he threatened to cut off the relationship if we didn't marry. I didn't want to risk losing him at that point, and so I caved in. At first, adjusting to married life was not easy for me, but I'm extremely glad I stayed the course.

It could have turned out so differently. When you marry, you don't really know the person. You can't, because throughout the years people change. The person you are at this moment will not be the person you become, and so on, and so on. Taking such a big leap of faith and hooking yourself up to someone on the chance that you will change together is a huge gamble. But if you both are flexible and willing to give and take, when the need arises, it can work out lovely.

I find I like the familiarity that only a long association gives you. And I know I would never be in the comfortable position I'm in today if I had married someone too close to my own personality type. The trick is to be smart enough to realize your shortcomings and not resent them for not being like you.

Remembering to put the other person high up the ladder in your daily life pays dividends you have to experience to believe. People tend to become too comfortable with each other and don't realize or don't care that the other one is exposed to new people all the time who will catch their eye or their hearts in some way. Yes, you will change throughout the years, but hold onto that core of who your mate fell in love with and your partnership will endure.

[Guy Kilmore]

What works for people is what works, but I think the poster you are quoting is confusing the feelings associated between love and infatuation. By doing so, he makes love....much smaller concept that in actually is.

[protar]

Not that I have very much experience on either monogamy or polygamy but I think the first quote is a very sad mindset to be in. If that works for you then I suppose that's great. But enjoying the honeymoon period and then tossing the other person aside as soon as any effort needs to be put into the relationship is not love. Enjoy living like that if you want but don't call it love. Love is having the motivation to keep things exciting after the honeymoon period.

[Weeping Sore]

But I met a man whom I felt was, cliché as it may sound, the yin to my yang.

Yang = male; Yin = female

[Ser Scot A Ellison]

ToL,

That is awesome in the true sense of the word.

:)

[The Notorious]

For the non-monogamous, have anyone tried out the ashleymadison site yet?

[Ser Scot A Ellison]

Lev,

Ashleymadison used Mark Sanford as a poster boy on a billboard between Columbia and Orangeburg. The tag was "Next time try Ashely Madison".

I couldn't stop laughing.

[The Notorious]

Lev,

Ashleymadison used Mark Sanford as a poster boy on a billboard between Columbia and Orangeburg. The tag was "Next time try Ashely Madison".

I couldn't stop laughing.

Mark Sanford! :lmao:

[Balefont]

< snip Post-of-Awesomeness >

I find I like the familiarity that only a long association gives you. And I know I would never be in the comfortable position I'm in today if I had married someone too close to my own personality type. The trick is to be smart enough to realize your shortcomings and not resent them for not being like you.

Remembering to put the other person high up the ladder in your daily life pays dividends you have to experience to believe. People tend to become too comfortable with each other and don't realize or don't care that the other one is exposed to new people all the time who will catch their eye or their hearts in some way. Yes, you will change throughout the years, but hold onto that core of who your mate fell in love with and your partnership will endure.

After 20 years from our first date, we've gone through tons of "stuff" and every year is better than the last. I don't want to imagine what life would be like without him because of all the new joys and experiences we are sharing together and all the difficulties are so much easier to face and put in perspective when we have two-decades of foundation under us. Can't wait for the next 20!

[1918me]

As I said in the polygamy thread, I'm a very monogamous person, and while I personally don't see the appeal of most other situations, I can certainly understand how other people would be better suited for other types of relationships, and wouldn't judge such people because of that.

[Tears of Lys]

Yang = male; Yin = female

:lol: I've been mistaken on this board for a guy, and my husband is in touch with his feminine side, so maybe that's not as wrong as it first appears.

[sologdin]

Why would I want to try Ashleymadison?

first rule of marital affairs 101 is mutuality of risk. when a party to the marital affair participates covertly or illicitly, then the rule dictates that the other party or parties to the affair must be bound to the same mutual conspiracy, and that the attendant risks be symmetrical. all parties must therefore be married, covert, &c.

if you're not married, therefore, you wouldn't want a marital affair site, and if the married persons thereupon know the rules, then they wouldn't mess with you.

[Prince Alexander]

I think that monogamy is a generally a failure as an idea.

But there are those who make it work, or have other priorities in life and don't much care if it works or not, and simply use it for convenience. And I think - good for them.

In any case, this is a personal matter. There is no right or wrong answer.

[Ser Scot A Ellison]

PA,

I think that monogamy is a generally a failure as an idea.

But there are those who make it work, or have other priorities in life and don't much care if it works or not, and simply use it for convenience. And I think - good for them.

In any case, this is a personal matter. There is no right or wrong answer.

Why do you make assumptions about why people choose monogamous relationships? Can't you leave it at "if it makes you happy go for it?" You seem to imply that you have to lie to yourself to be monogamous.

[Kelli Fury]

I am super comfortable with nonexclusivity when dating casually. But, when I'm in a relationship with someone, I'm monogamous. The reasons I agree to commitment in the first place are very related to monogamy (security, intimacy, cohabitation, ect) to me so it's essential to my happiness long term. No judgement on people who feel differently, but for me it is important

[Faydra]

Polygamy is even a bigger failure. It may keep the love life spiced for one person, but what of the other two?

[Wise Fool]

How can an idea fail, really? If it's an idea, and people have this idea, then it's alive. The only truly dead ideas are the ones I can't list because everyone including myself no longer remembers them.

[Prince Alexander]

How can an idea fail, really? If it's an idea, and people have this idea, then it's alive. The only truly dead ideas are the ones I can't list because everyone including myself no longer remembers them.

Yeah, I think it's about the fail rate rather than failure as an idea.

PA,

Why do you make assumptions about why people choose monogamous relationships? Can't you leave it at "if it makes you happy go for it?" You seem to imply that you have to lie to yourself to be monogamous.

I went into great detail about this in the thread you referenced.

I don't know if "lie" is the right word. Monogamous settling does seem to relate to lying to oneself and their spouse, but considering the economics of the dating game it's the kind of lie that almost every player has to accept on some basic level. Which, I think, makes the lie irrelevant, and not really a lie?

I mean, if a guy comes out and says: I will only be monogamous with a perfect woman, the obvious answer will be: yeah noone is perfect.

Then, mathematically, the goal becomes to search for the woman who is closest to perfection, which is possible, but is kind of a Sisyphean task.

Acknowledging this is, the obvious, easy way is to find someone in a reasonable amount of time, who is closest to perfection (in one's personal interpretation) and settle for them.

Obviously you won't tell that woman "honey I love you, although to be 100% honest I picked you because I didn't want to spend my whole life searching for someone more perfect than you. You are perfect enough for me, so I settled as to enjoy more time with someone rather than in search of someone better". That's a bit of an ass thing to say, although probably more honest for vast majority (I'd estimate 99.9%****) mono couples.

***in my anecdotal, irrelevant, unscientific experience, which you may of course disregard