Goodkind XIV

[beniowa]

Gods and can you believe people look up to Rand? Am I the only one that thinks she comes off as a cold hearted narcisstic witch?

Nope. I'm with you fellow comrade.

[whelp]

Indeed! The fork of truth will compliment the sword of truth! I wonder if there are boxers of truth??

Well, there is the Chair Leg of Truth - although even Richard might be hard-pressed to wrench it from Spider Jerusalem...

[theMountainGoat]

Mountain Goat Productions proudly presents

The Objectivist Wizard of Os

Part One

[cue sweeping music]

On a small black and white farm a teenage girl runs across a grey lawn to a grey fence and stares wistfully at the grey sky.

'Oh Toto, somewhere over the horizon is excitement, adventure, a hunky man who will save me from gang rape and be my perfect hero.'

'Werk?' Said Toto, a small brown chicken pecking the ground nearby. (For those who do not speak chicken I will translate, what Toto said was, 'Hey wasn't I supposed to be a dog? Dammit! You've gotten this confused with Return To Oz haven't you? Honestly what a lame way to crowbar in a chicken-that-is-not-a-chicken joke.' Chickens have a very economical use of language. This one is also hyper-critical.)

'Thats right Toto, I know one day, some day, I will find him.' The girl begins to sing, the music swells.

'Somewhere over the rainbow . . . .'

'Bags! Kahlan!' Screamed an irrate woman's voice interrupting the music which comes to a jarring halt.

'Yes Aunt Em.'

'Stop that singing, there's work to do. Can't you see there is a storm coming in?'

Kahlan looked up and saw a big black cloud bearing down on the farm. Suddenly a huge spiral shot down out of the cloud and instantly struck the ground nearby, throwing dirt high into the air. Kahlan screamed, picked up her beloved chicken and in a panic ran into the farmhouse. The ear shredding sound of high velocity wind got louder and louder as the twister came closer. The whole house rocked on its foundations and with a sudden movement lifted up into the air. Surprisingly the house remained completly intact and Kahlan, suddenly unafraid, walked over to the window to look out.

There was Ada, the unpleasant woman from the next door farm also caught up in the twister and flying through the air. She was screaming and holding onto a broom as though that would help in some way.

'Its not a Nimbus 2000, what is she doing?' Said Kahlan stupidly.

'Werk.' Said Toto. ('Oh God, not a Harry Potter reference.')

Then in a blinding flash of realisation Kahlan realised that it was a Nimbus 2000 and in fact Ada was not screaming but cackling. She also had green skin and a black hat on which was a dead giveaway.

'Shes a witch!' Gasped Kahlan.

'Werk.' ('Seriously if there is a Monty Pyton joke here, I'm leaving.')

All of a sudden the farmhouse suddenly dropped out of the sky, Ada the witch screamed as she also fell straight down. Whump! Everything landed on the ground with a mighty whump. Kahlan stood up. She could no longer hear Ada screaming nor cackling. She walked over to the door and walked outside, blinking in the sudden and dazzling light.

As her eyes adjusted Kahlan was stunned speachless. The world was in brilliant technicolour. The grass was a sparkling green, a garish yellow road spiralled past a brilliant blue stream and a pure white picket fence lined a glorious green and red orchard opposite.

'Everything is in color.' Said Kahlan, 'it is so colorful!'

'Oi, that is spelled colour, you're not in fucking Kansas anymore.' Said a voice.

'Um, who are you?' Said Kahlan uncertainly.

A woman in white who bore a striking resemblance to her Aunt Em appeared and gestured with her white wand grandly.

'I am Verna, the Foul-Mouthed Good Witch.'

'Foul-mouthed?' Definitely not her Aunt Em then.

'Fuckery! That's what I fucking said ain't it? You got chicken shit clogging your ears or something?' Kahlan clutched Toto closer to her as though to protect her beloved chicken from the Foul-Mouthed Good Witch's tirade.

'What the fucking fuck are you doing with that buggering chicken?' Said Verna.

'This isn't just any old chicken, he's my best friend - Toto.'

'A chicken that-is-not-a-chicken but is Toto incarnate?'

'Werk.' ('Groan.')

'Well fuck a duck.'

'So, um, where am I, if this is not Kansas?'

'You my dear are in Yeardikinland, home of the deminutive but loveable Yeardikins. Come out ya wee little fuckers and say hello.'

From behind every tree in sight small men, midgets even, appeared and walked towards Kahlan and the black and white house. One of them pointedly excitedly at the house. Some of the others came over to look. They began jumping up and down, running around in circles, hugging each other and crying tears of unrestrained joy.

'The witch is dead the mean old wicked witch is dead . . . ' they sang.

'What is going on?' Said Kahlan.

'Well bugger my greasy ass with an oiled up agiel, you've only gone and landed your fucking drab farmhouse on that cunt Ada, the Wicked Witch of the fucking East.'

'The what?' Said Kahalan and then she saw two black feet sticking out from underneath the house. She was wearing red slippers which had the word TRUTH embossed on the sole of each slipper.

'The Slippers of Truth - they will be mine, all mine!' Cackled another witch. The Yeardikins yelped with fright and leapt back from the newcomer. This witch looked identical to the dead witch beneath the house in every way.

'Not a fucking chance Shota, the Wicked Witch of the West.' Said Verna, 'Your shit magic does not work here in Yeardikinland and nor will we listen to your pointless fucking vague predictions of doom, got it?'

'Oooh, go on.' Pleaded Shota.

'No! In fact I am going to give the Slippers of Truth to this young slut just to spite you bitch.' With that Verna cast a spell and the red Slippers of Truth magicly transferred from Ada's feet to Kahlan's. The witches feet under the house shrivelled up and shot back under the house with a shrieking shriek. With raptor-like eyes of murderous intent, Shota climbed onto her broom and took off into the sky disappearing from sight.

Kahlan flexed her toes inside the ruby red Slippers of Truth. She could feel power thrumming up her legs from the slippers. It almost seemed like she had some new memories surfacing in her mind.

'I know what I have to do now,' Said Kahlan suddenly full of confidence, 'To get home I must follow this yellow brick road to the city at the other end. Moral-Celery City. There I will find a great man, a wizard. The Objectivist Wizard of Os. Who, despite being really bad at typing coherantly, will be able to send me home!'

'Eg-fucking-zactly.' Said the Foul-Mouthed Good Witch.

'Werk.' ('So we've got a long walk ahead of us and no sensible footwear, great.')

'Thank you Verna for your help, me and Toto have a long way to go and we had best be on our way.'

'You are very welcome Kahlan. Oh fuck it! Those cunting Yeardikins are going to sing again aren't they. I can't stand fucking singing.'

'Hi, ho!' Began one Yeardikin.

'Ooompa, doompa? Sang another uncertainly.

'Werk.' Said Toto, cocking his head. ('These midgets are in the wrong parody!')

'My Slippers of Truth tell me you should be singing a song about Following the Yellow Brick Road.'

'Ah, but we are dedicated objectivists and thus cannot follow anyone or anything except ourselves.' Said one of the Yeardikins, 'Besides its not a Yellow Brick Road, its a Yellow Bone Road.'

Kahlan gasped, Toto would have gasped too but did not feel like joining in.

'Bones?'

'Yep the bones of lots of dead people which have been yellowed by exposure to the sun, pretty gruesome eh?'

'Whatever.' Said Kahlan, 'Come on Toto, we're off. Off to see the Wizard.' Inspired Kahlan leapt spontaneously into song.

We're off to see the wizard,

The Objectivist Wizard of Os,

Becuase, becuaes, bcause, ebcausse

Because of the atrocious typing he does,

We're off to see the wizard,

The Objectivist Wizard of Os.

Kahlan and Toto pranced off along the Yellow Bone Road away from Yeardikinland as the Foul-Mouthed Good Witch and the Yeardikins waved them goodbye.

Coming up in Part Two of The Objectivist Wizard of Os - Kahlan meets some travelling companions whilst wearing her travelling pants

[The Wolf Maid]

MG, that was brilliant!

I was laughing my head off in the office.

[Moosicus]

That was sweet MG, can't wait for part II.

[DJDonegal]

[beniowa]

[Agulla]

Absolutely brilliant.

Can't wait to read part two.

[theMountainGoat]

Mountain Goat Productions proudly presents

The Objectivist Wizard of Os

Part Two

The Yellow Bone Road meandered through green and verdant valleys for several miles before it arrived at a small village. A large crowd was gathered around a wooden stage shouting and hollering. Kahlan and Toto walked into the village square to see what was going on.

'Ladies and gentleman, what I say to you this day is pure truth, for I am incapable of falsehoods.' Said a man dressed in a black outfit on the stage. 'My name is Richard Rahl and I am The Seeker. There is an evil plaguing this land, blighting its crops, corrupting its citizens and posioning our wells. Colour. Yes thats right, I said it, Colour.'

'Yeah, right on!' Said a loud man in the front of the crowd as the others muttered amongst themselves.

'I stand before you as a symbol of the righteousness of black and white. Right and wrong. Life and death. Good and evil.'

'Dumb and dumber.' Said the voice in the front of the crowd. Richard looked down sharply and then continued.

'What harm does colour do you may ask? Its pretty! But I say to you that colour is confusing the issues. Instead of it being a simple black and white question with an obvious choose life answer, colour is blurring your senses. Making you think in terms of grey areas. Watered down examples of good and evil, thus you cannot make the correct, Objective choice. When you are surrounded on all sides you have only one option, attack! You cannot allow the vague inconsistencies of colour to suggest another plan, another way. To do so is to choose death!'

'Hang on, what are you talking about?' Kahlan could sense that there was something unusual about this man.

'I am talking about depending on the rightness of your own mind. The decision you make is the only true one you can make. There is no such thing as a contradiction. What I propose here today is that colour is outlawed and the world be redifined in absolute black and white and this can only be done by following my rule!'

'But Master Rahl, how can you spout this ridiculous ideaology. Life cannot be simply defined by such rigid absolutes. It is the fundamental reason for the beauty of life, the free will to choose anything is the foremost principle that makes us alive, makes us sentient. Life is not black and white, look at the world around you - it is glorious Technicolor and wishing it were otherwise is not only a complete and pointless waste of time but blinding yourself to the full wonder of existence. I say to you, ones actions are judged and defined by the others around you, by the accepted social order of right and wrong, not by the unsound reasoning of your own mind. Your own selfish desires. It is not a simple life or death choice, it is complicated. It is grey.'

The other people in the crowd agreed loudly with the man at the front and with that turned away from Richard and walked off to carry on with the chores of the day.

Kahlan could now see the man at the front of the crowd. She gasped to discover that he was a Scarecrow made of straw and old clothes with various assorted vegetables for facial features.

Richard jumped down off the platfrom and grabbed the scarecrow by the shirt.

'What kind of a straw man are you anyway? You are supposed to give me an argument I can easily swipe aside, then agree with me and do what I say. Get the others to join in and everyone happily follows my orders. I'll ruin you for this Scarecrow, I will see to it you never work in the Straw Man field again! You are finished, do you hear me - Finished!' Richard storms away angrily towards Kahlan. 'Get out of my way little girl or I will kick you in the jaw!' Kahlan jumps aside.

'Werk.' ('Wow, passion ruling reason right there folks.')

Kahlan turns to hear the sound of sobbing. The scarecrow is on the ground crying his eyes out. Feeling sorry for him Kahlan walks over to try and cheer him up.

'Cheer up Mr. Scarecrow, I thought your argument was good. It sounded right to me.' The scarecrow wails louder in misery. 'Whats the matter? What did I say?'

'You don't understand. I am supposed to be a Straw Man, a tool with a weak position and badly thought out philosophy only there to justify my clients position. But lately I have lost my way. I keep pointing out the logical flaws in arguments and making fools of my clients instead of being the fool and making them look like intellectual giants, even though of course they are stupid as cow muck. Oh, I wish I did not have a brain, I would be a good straw man again.'

'You know, I am on my way to see the Objectivist Wizard of Os, I'm sure he could remove your brain and make you a brilliant straw man again.' Said Kahlan brightly.

'You are? Do you really think he can help me?'

'Sure. My Slippers of Truth tell me so.' The Straw Man leapt into the air and danced a jig, lifting Kahlan up into the air.

'Oh thank you, thank you, thank you. Oh this is simply wonderful, I can't wait!' He put the girl down and smiled happily at her, his tears all forgotten now. Now that she had a good look at him the Straw Man had an uncanny resemblance to Tom, one of the three farmhands from her fathers farm.

'Werk.' ('Would this be the farmhands that should have been introduced in Part One by any chance?')

'Come along Mr. Straw Man its this way along the Yellow Bone Road.' In unison they both leapt into song.

We're off to see the wizard,

The Objectivist Wizard of Os,

Becuase, becuaes, bcause, ebcausse

Because of the atrocious typing he does,

We're off to see the wizard,

The Objectivist Wizard of Os.

They left the village behind and followed the yellowed bone road into some dark and forbidding woods. Suddenly a piercing scream cut through the air. Kahlan and the Straw Man stopped singing. Silence rang as clear as a bell in an empty church.

'What was that?' Said the Straw Man afraid.

'It came from over there, lets go see. Come on.' The Slippers of Truth seemed to be guiding her. Unafraid she walked towards the screams of unbearable pain.

Through the trees Kahlan could see a man tied to a tree. He had various wounds all over his naked body, blood pouring down his face, his head hung in exhuastion. Then she noticed the person torturing this poor man. It was a man made entirely of metal.

'Werk.' ('Tin is a cheap metal anyway, could not afford aluminium?')

The metal man had a large ax in his hands and strode towards the captive menacingly.

'I am going to chop off your bollocks now and then I am going to make you eat them you bastard!' It was a womans voice. This was no tin man, but a Tin Woman!

Unable to watch anymore Kahlan walked out of the trees into the forest clearing.

'Stop! What are you doing this for? Why are you torturing this poor man?' The Tin Woman turned towards the interruption.

'This man is a murderer and rapist. He also kicked a kitten, I saw him.'

'Even so, this is still not right. He should face a public trial and be judged by a jury of his peers, then if found guilty be given a just and deserved sentance. If he is to be executed, it should be in a swift and pain free manner to go meet his maker for higher judgement. Torture is not the answer.'

The Tin Woman looked uncertain. As she thought about this everyone could hear the sound, tick, tock, tick, tock.

'Werk.' ('Look Tick Tock was also in the Return to Os - can you just stick to the original source material or what?')

'Perhaps you are right. I don't know, you see I have no feelings, no emotion. Oh, I wish I had a heart. Then I would know for sure what I should do.'

'Hey we are looking for something too.' Said Kahlan, 'I want to find a way to get home.'

'And I want to lose my brain so I can be a good Straw Man again.'

'I can arrange that . . .' Said the Tin Woman hefting the ax.

'No I meant without losing my head.' Said the Straw Man, 'We are going to see the Objectivist Wizard of Os. He is bound to be able to fix our problems.'

'Then I will go with you and meet this wizard. I so want to be able to feel, to have emotions. Lets go.' The ax flew out of her hand and decapitated the captive man, blood spurting out of his neck like a fountain. 'It slipped.' She said.

As the girl, chicken, Straw Man and the Tin Woman left the clearing Kahlan noticed something hanging from a tree in the background.

'Is that a body hanging from up there?' She asked.

'Werk.' ('Perhaps its one of the stage hands again?')

'Oh, I think thats just the scriptwriter.' Said the Tin Woman, 'Don't worry about it.'

So the three companions resumed their journey along the Yellow Bone Road as it passed through the dark woods. To pass the time they broke into song because it was the only thing to do.

We're off to see the wizard,

The Objectivist Wizard of Os,

Becuase, becuaes, bcause, ebcausse

Because of the atrocious typing he does,

We're off to see the wizard,

The Objectivist Wizard of Os.

It was getting dark fast now. The night settling onto the woods like a black shroud. Things were getting creepy. Ahead through the trees the companions saw torches wavering. They crept forward to see what they might find. What they saw shocked them to the core.

Half a dozen women clothed in black cloaks stood around a naked woman who was tied to the ground. From out of the night a huge beast lumbered forward. Drool fell off its huge forked tongue onto the girls exposed breasts as the dark, brutish animal tasted her skin.

'You have to go through with this girl, to be at one with the Keeper. Now the Namble is going to mount you. Make you his bitch.' The girl shrieked in terror as the Namble clambered into position over her body, an enormous, big, black, barbed Namble Cock hoved into view. His erection growing to nearly two feet in length as the beasts excitement mounted. The barbed head was just about to enter her opening when suddenly it drooped. The women stared in disappointment as the Namble cock shrunk down to a tiny, phlacid member. Wilted and useless.

The women laughed at the Namble. Pointing and hollering at it. In obvious shame the Namble turned and huddled away. The naked girl was untied from the floor and stood up. She gestured with her little finger to indicate what she thought of the black beasts sexual prowess.

'Come on girls, lets find a Namble who can actually get it up.' Laughing and mocking as they went the Dark Sisters walked off into the night. The Namble lay in a ball, crying and shaking.

Feeling sorry for the beast Kahlan crept forward.

'Excuse me, but are you a Cowardly Namble?'

'I'm not cowardly! I just have an erectile disfunction'

'Werk.' ('Oh sure the Namble gets to speak English but not the chicken, huh.')

'I'm sorry, but this has deflated my self esteem and confidence badly. I am so miserable.' Said the Namble, 'Oh I wish I could get it up. Then I would be a big and strong beast again and have disgusting beastiality sex with Dark Sisters who are kinky like that.'

'You should come with us and see the wizard.' Said the Tin Woman.

'The wizard?' Asked the Namble.

'The Objectivist Wizard of Os!' Said Kahlan, 'We are on the way there so he can fix our problems too. Want to come?'

'If only.' Sighed the Namble.

'You have to,' Said the Straw Man, 'It will be fun!'

'Oh alright then. Thank you for inviting me, when do we go?'

'No time like the present, its this way. Say do you like to sing Mr Namble?' And so as they hurried onwards along the Yellow Bone Road, Kahlan and her three travelling companions, who looked so much like the three farmhands she knew, sang a jolly song.

We're off to see the wizard,

The Objectivist Wizard of Os,

Becuase, becuaes, bcause, ebcausse

Because of the atrocious typing he does,

We're off to see the wizard,

The Objectivist Wizard of Os.

Meanwhile.

The Wicked Witch of the West sat in her dark tower and contemplated her plan to acquire the Slippers of Truth from that damned little brat.

'I have it! My evil flying Gar Monkeys will stop her before she can reach Moral-Celery City.' She walked over and released a dozen Gar Monkeys from their cages. 'Fly, fly my Gar Monkeys. Kill the girl who wears the red Slippers of Truth and her friends. Fly! Fly!' She cackled evilly as they took flight into the dark night and headed for the forbidding forest.

Coming up in Part Three of The Objectivist Wizard of Os - the exciting conclusion to the story!

[Zap Rowsdower]

MG, that was genius. Pure genius. Your Wizard of Os story has motivated me to finally try and complete part 2 of my Columbo Mystery parody. I'll try and get it posted by this weekend.

[beniowa]

A namble with erectile dysfunction?!

:bow: :bow: MG

[Enguerrand]

Incredible writing Mountaingoat, I'm in awe. I'm continously amazed by by how little difference there is between bestsellers and fanfic in quality .

[penandink]

:bow:

Oh, SHIT, that was funny. Where is part III? I must see the end!

[Myshkin]

That was great!!! I can't wait 'till somebody stretches and a war suddenly breaks out!!!

[Alaerien]

Oh my God, what a masterpiece!

[The Wolf Maid]

That was classic. Poor, poor Namble.

Maybe he should get a Viagra. Are those available in OZ?

[whelp]

MG, that was just great

Wolf Maid:

Imho the Viagra is replaced by nibbling some moral celery...or whatever makes The Thing rise...

[MinDonner]

:rofl: MG, you are a genius! And now we not only have part 3 to look forward to, but also the next part of the Columbo story! I don't think I'll even bother cleaning the coffee off my keyboard.

:bow:

[Myshkin]

MG, you are a genius! And now we not only have part 3 to look forward to, but also the next part of the Columbo story! I don't think I'll even bother cleaning the coffee off my keyboard.

:bow:

But wait, there's more!

I've just completed my Magnum P.I. parody. I'll post it in several installments after MG is done with the wizard of oz.

[Agulla]

These parodies here are amazing (not my parodies, of course). I've been thinking about something; imagine that we polished and edited the best of our Goodkind parodies; we could even change the names of the characters to make sure that there are no copyright problems. Then we publish them in a limited book, a collector's thing if you want. I just want to have this book in my bookshelves, imagine something like "Moral Celery Tales" a pinnacle of this board's collective genius published for our pleasure.

This book could even have an introduction explaining what the Sword of Truth with some quotes (those allowed by law).