Moosicus Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 Penandink's right Zap, just nod and move on, you're overthinking it. Now go have a drink. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinDonner Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 Ah, all these wonderful parodies have inspired me to do another one... this is... Richard the Chicken Slayer Voice of Zedd: Previously on Richard the Chicken Slayer... Zedd: You are the Seeker of Truth! Kahlan: Help me, Richard! (Richard rescues Kahlan) Zedd: Bags! I can't use my magic! Kahlan: Richard, we can never be together because of my plot-device Confessor powers Richard: The chickens are restless today Sinister close-up of chicken eye watching him (start theme music with montage of the characters in action...) Richard examines his sword/Richard fights several men, who are taller than Richard even though Richard is tall/Richard grabs arrows out of the air/Richard pretends to stretch and steals a sword, and instantly a war breaks out Kahlan is almost raped/Kahlan is almost raped/Kahlan is almost raped/Kahlan is almost raped Zedd trips over his robes/Zedd loses his memory and dresses as a merchant/Zedd makes out with elderly sorceress/Zedd looks stern and wags his finger Nicci gets her boobs out/Nicci unleashes a blast of Additive and Subtractive magic that blasts a melon-sized hole in a guard/Nicci falls to her knees with joy at the sight of a statue/Nicci tortures victim with a serene smile (end theme music with lingering shot of Richard posing in his War Wizard outfit) Opening scene - Kahlan cautiously enters the barn, looking around for potential rapists. All she sees is some chickens, innocently pecking at some corn. She steps forward... and instantly hears the barn door close behind her. Kahlan: Who's there? (an evil clucking noise comes from the shadows) Kahlan: Richard? Is that you? This isn't funny. (close-up of a chicken-claw scratching evilly at some dirt. Some sacking moves near the barn wall) Kahlan approaches the sacking... (suspenseful music building to a crescendo...) she pulls it aside... Chicken: WERK! (chicken flaps out at Kahlan, dummy shock, viewers sigh with relief)) Kahlan: Phew! It's just a chicken! (Real shock! Chicken lunges at Kahlan and goes for the throat! Close-up of gaping chicken-maw coming towards the camera) Kahlan: Aaaaaaaaaaaah!! (cheap fight scene where Kahlan wrestles with chicken pretending that it's really dangerous, shot from several different angles with that crayzee motion-blur technique) Richard (bursting into the barn): Kahlan! (he instantly kills the chicken with one mighty blow from his mighty fist) Kahlan (sobbing): It was a chicken... but it wasn't... what could this thing be? Richard: That is a Chicken That Is Not A Chicken. I hope you fully understand the concept now. You see, I know a lot about representational designs involving lethality... (Announcer's voice): Richard's speech continues, after the break! *click* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agulla Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 MinDonner I believe there are many series there just waiting for the Tairy treatment. So, who will be the next? Who will dare to try with Rome, Lost or Deadwood? Just to name a few. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fanatic-Templar Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 OK, what I don't understand is this: why did Amelia, Janet, and Manda betray the good guys? I suppose I could believe that Amelia and Janet were terrified of Jagang and of being horribly punished for disobediance but that was not the way it was written! Amelia turned a wicked smile on Verna. The way it reads it seems that Amelia enjoys betraying Verna to Jagang. And this is after Jagang has had Amelia raped dozens if not hundreds of times by his troops! So instead of: "Oh Verna, I'm so sorry for this, but I cannot bring myself to defy Jagang! It would cost me too much! We get: "Muhahahahahahahaahaha! I'm eeeeeeeeeevil! Muhahahaahahahaha!" I'm not an expert on this, but I believe the reason is simply that, as he has stated himself, the difference between what he's doing and what's traditionally done in 'traditional' fantasy is there would be a bad guy because he's bad. And he's just this boring bad and he's just bad. The difference with what he does is that the bad guys have a cause and they're fighting for something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zap Rowsdower Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 Penandink's right Zap, just nod and move on, you're overthinking it. Now go have a drink. That would be a problem; I am a teetotaler and thus I am always sober, before, after and during the reading of a Terry Goodkind book. That's why it takes me so darn long to finish the things. Sigh. Onto the next Sword of Truth Book. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Wolf Maid Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 *gasp* Zap! I have no idea! Maybe someone should give you a non-alcoholic drink with enough kick to get you through the horrible...er, pain. Min, it's so good to see your parodies after so long. Lethality indeed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moosicus Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 That would be a problem; I am a teetotaler and thus I am always sober, before, after and during the reading of a Terry Goodkind book. That's why it takes me so darn long to finish the things. Sigh. Onto the next Sword of Truth Book. Oh dear gods NO! Well, when the men in white coats come to take you away (probably during faith of the fallen) you'll be missed. Good luck to ya. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinDonner Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 Now... while I'd never want to encourage anyone to read (or, perish the thought, reread) the works of Tairy, I can't deny that it's fun to see his daft plot-holes unravelled... I hardly dare to suggest something as awful as a TG reading group, where his plots are gradually torn to shreds by us lemmings of discord, but I may soon venture to open my copy of Phantom in search of similar nuggets of inspiration... Somebody stop me, please!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moosicus Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 Tairy madness seems to be spreading like herpes at a catholic school, this has to stop. I suggest we all take a nice long breather, get drunk this weekend and then see how we all feel on monday. Maybe it'll pass, like a kidney stone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theMountainGoat Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 Don't stop it now Moose - I worked hard on that epic parody last week because this place needed something fresh to inspire and look what has happened. Great new work from Myshkin, Agulla, Min Donner and a promised continuation of the brilliant Columbo parody from Zap. It is true I did not intend for people to go out and actually read a Sword of Truth book, but if it were not for heroes who put their sanity on the line the TG thread would not be the stunning work of outstanding beauty it is. You of all people should know this better than most - though I do agree that a Goodkind book is too dangerous to be attempted sober. Consider yourselves warned. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Wolf Maid Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 Now... while I'd never want to encourage anyone to read (or, perish the thought, reread) the works of Tairy, I can't deny that it's fun to see his daft plot-holes unravelled... I hardly dare to suggest something as awful as a TG reading group, where his plots are gradually torn to shreds by us lemmings of discord, but I may soon venture to open my copy of Phantom in search of similar nuggets of inspiration... Somebody stop me, please!! Wait, a TG reading group? Are we all sure we have enough moral celery (and enough alcohol) to pull this through? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moosicus Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 Wait, a TG reading group? Are we all sure we have enough moral celery (and enough alcohol) to pull this through? No. We do not have enough alcohol (and I have a lot of alcohol) to pull this off. Do what you will, read the books if you must. I shant. If I partake at all of this monstrosity that is being suggested I will only be delving into the memories of Tairy's stuff (that which I have yet to repress). I'm not reading anymore Tairy until the new one comes out. Then I'm going on the mother of all benders. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mad Monkey Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 Personally, I'm lucky to be a teetotaller, for two days ago I traveled to Border's Bookstore and honestly, genuinely had a difficult time deciding whether I wanted to get A Feast For Crows or Pillars of Creation. I made the right choice in the end but I shuddered to think what I might be reading right now if I had been smashed at the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Wolf Maid Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 I'll prepare the buckets for the occasion, MM. (I don't drink, too, but with Tairy, I just might) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myshkin Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 Sadly, I was completely sober when I read the first 7 SoT non-fantasy novels. Perhaps a large amount of tequila will help me supress the memories. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaxom 1974 Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 Wait, a TG reading group? Are we all sure we have enough moral celery (and enough alcohol) to pull this through? Man...it's almost enough to make me want to speed read through it all again though. You know, just to see if I can identify all of the junk that I skimmed over the firt time through that I've learned because of you all...kinda like how you re-read ASOIAF and notice on the second time through that R+L=J... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moosicus Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 Well I'm starting to tie one on, so when does this "reread" begin? How's it going to work and who's running the show? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nearly Headless Ned Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 Righty ho me little ducklings! I've just checked a previous Tairy bashing site and foolishly folowed a link to a strange and terrible forum called Goodkind is our God. Is this- a)A spoof site. b)Not a spoof site. c)The absinthe I necked a couple of hours ago playing tricks on me.(god I hope so!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nearly Headless Ned Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 I mean Jesus-theres even a poster called terrygavemetheclap. Im getting freaked out an might hyperventilate! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon AS Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 Well, to put your mind at ease: GIOG was set up by someone from this board (drawing a blank on who exactly right now) and a lot of the posters there are also people who participated in the Goodkind threads here. Though the occasional genuine Tairylover may have put in an appearance... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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