GOODKIND XXIX: BRING ON THE STUPID

[Jaxom 1974]

Yep! The problem is Tairy only has 2-3 pics out there. I swear, I think M* hordes them all. We could also have the sig back, if you want!

Oh I'm ready. Reagrdless of how many pics og TG there are out there, I've got an okay idea that should choose life!

Mossman: Awesome!

Wolf Maid, is this the av that is a pic of yourself? It would be like you to show us absolutely nothing. Tease!

Whether it is or not, I choose to believe that her current av really is Wolf Maid.

[Muttering Bill]

Whether it is or not, I choose to believe that her current av really is Wolf Maid.

It's changed again. I'd assumed the silhouette av was her, hinting at her splendor without actually showing us anything. But this one might just as easily be it too. Damn you, Wolf Maid!

[Jaxom 1974]

It's changed again. I'd assumed the silhouette av was her, hinting at her splendor without actually showing us anything. But this one might just as easily be it too. Damn you, Wolf Maid!

I missed a silhouette one? Damn.

***

This was not a chicken, it was HAT incarnate!

In honor of the recent NHAW.

[VigoTheCarpathian]

I'm actually thinking I'll go as Tairy for Halloween: black t shirt, yeard, arms crossed the whole night, pants-crotch stuffed with two large baking potatoes. When people try to talk to me, I'll reply with a wizard's rule or with some overly simplistic platitude ("I will choose life by doing this Jagermeister shot.")

As a bonus, I will comment on everyone else's costumes for having/not having important human themes, and for choosing life/death ("That sexy nurse outfit puts a lie to the existence of homely nurses everywhere.", "Your zombie costume mirrors my distain for mindless communist people, who I consider to be undead because I haven't killed them yet.")

My wife is going as an elf: I don't know how this will work out, but I suppose I could either let her know in advance that I don't approve of her weirdo cultural diversity, and that I will make repeated claims that I am not associated with her costume because I don't write fantasy. I then could follow her around and steal her ideas.

[Jaxom 1974]

My wife is going as an elf: I don't know how this will work out, but I suppose I could either let her know in advance that I don't approve of her weirdo cultural diversity, and that I will make repeated claims that I am not associated with her costume because I don't write fantasy. I then could follow her around and steal her ideas.

You could talk to her all night in jibber jabber...?

[potsherds]

I'm actually thinking I'll go as Tairy for Halloween: black t shirt, yeard, arms crossed the whole night, pants-crotch stuffed with two large baking potatoes. When people try to talk to me, I'll reply with a wizard's rule or with some overly simplistic platitude ("I will choose life by doing this Jagermeister shot.")

As a bonus, I will comment on everyone else's costumes for having/not having important human themes, and for choosing life/death ("That sexy nurse outfit puts a lie to the existence of homely nurses everywhere.", "Your zombie costume mirrors my distain for mindless communist people, who I consider to be undead because I haven't killed them yet.")

My wife is going as an elf: I don't know how this will work out, but I suppose I could either let her know in advance that I don't approve of her weirdo cultural diversity, and that I will make repeated claims that I am not associated with her costume because I don't write fantasy. I then could follow her around and steal her ideas.

That's honestly a good idea, even if most folks won't get it.

[Isgrimner]

I'm actually thinking I'll go as Tairy for Halloween: black t shirt, yeard, arms crossed the whole night, pants-crotch stuffed with two large baking potatoes. When people try to talk to me, I'll reply with a wizard's rule or with some overly simplistic platitude ("I will choose life by doing this Jagermeister shot.")

As a bonus, I will comment on everyone else's costumes for having/not having important human themes, and for choosing life/death ("That sexy nurse outfit puts a lie to the existence of homely nurses everywhere.", "Your zombie costume mirrors my distain for mindless communist people, who I consider to be undead because I haven't killed them yet.")

My wife is going as an elf: I don't know how this will work out, but I suppose I could either let her know in advance that I don't approve of her weirdo cultural diversity, and that I will make repeated claims that I am not associated with her costume because I don't write fantasy. I then could follow her around and steal her ideas.

You sure you can't convince her to go as an evil chicken?

[Jaxom 1974]

You sure you can't convince her to go as an evil chicken?

Hey, I provided a link above that would help with a costume!

[Myshkin]

Sad news Lemmings: apparently Tairy has canceled this year's "Gathering" (a pay to meet the author event). I'm not sure but without this great Circle Jerk I believe the Yeardites might just explode.

[Jaxom 1974]

Sad news Lemmings: apparently Tairy has canceled this year's "Gathering" (a pay to meet the author event). I'm not sure but without this great Circle Jerk I believe the Yeardites might just explode.

Okay, first of all let's hope it isn't cancelled because of some drastic personal reasons or tragedy or anything like that. Loathe we may the man's works, but no one should have to go through hardships. So hope you're okay there, TG! Truly.

Second...well, I'll save the snark for later. Would seem to be in really poor taste to say something snarky if the above were actually true.

[Myshkin]

Okay, first of all let's hope it isn't cancelled because of some drastic personal reasons or tragedy or anything like that. Loathe we may the man's works, but no one should have to go through hardships. So hope you're okay there, TG! Truly.

Second...well, I'll save the snark for later. Would seem to be in really poor taste to say something snarky if the above were actually true.

Snark away. It seems that the "Gathering" was canceled because Tairy was simply too busy to jerk off his fantards.

[The Wolf Maid]

This was not a chicken, it was HAT incarnate!

In honor of the recent NHAW.

Damn, this would be great for Halloween. I wonder if they have hats of lemmings and goats?

You sure you can't convince her to go as an evil chicken?

Nice Av, Isgrimmer. I almost didn't see Terry there.

Vigo, if you do decide to go as Tairy, pics please. If you can convince the wifey to dress up as Kahlan or as a Mord-Sith, that would be awesome.

[Jaxom 1974]

Snark away. It seems that the "Gathering" was canceled because Tairy was simply too busy to jerk off his fantards.

So he had to what? Re-tie the yeard?

[Myshkin]

So he had to what? Re-tie the yeard?

Tairy's Yeard is perfect. It has always been perfect, and it will always be perfect. To suggest that something went wrong with the Yeard is blasphemy. I think he canceled because he has carpal tunnel in his wrist from.... well, you know.

Another little tidbit I picked up from the net: Apparently Mystar just ran over some small animal that he claims looked like Dylanfanatic. He was very pleased about this.

[The Wolf Maid]

Another little tidbit I picked up from the net: Apparently Mystar just ran over some small animal that he claims looked like Dylanfanatic. He was very pleased about this.

...I really don't know what to say to this, only he is a true Tairy fan to the very soul.

[Larry.]

Really? Where? Where?

Hope it wasn't a fennec. I seem to be associated with them lately...

[Larry.]

Ah, I found it. I can feel the lurve coming from there. Pat and the rest of you, eat your hearts out. I get death-wish fantasies from a kook who once thought he could find out where I lived in order to try to keep me from retaining my position. It is warming to note that I get so much raw, visceral hatred from a few there for the little bits I've said/done over the years. Good thing I don't have an 8 year-old daughter, as her jaw doubtless would have been shattered.

But I wash my hands of them for now. Nothing I've ever said tops that level of immaturity. But perhaps they're going through their second repressed childhoods?

[Dycedarg]

Greetings fellow Lemmings. I'd like to present my first humble attempt at a Goodkind Parody. Before I start, I'd like to thank Happy Ent, whose comment about half-finished parodies inspired me to start this (and to start looking at Bakker) thanks to a coincidental similarity in names. If you like this you can feel free to shower me with praise. If you hate it, you can throw bricks at the sentient and smiling tree. In the spirit of Lemminghood and in honor of the recently released movie, please enjoy!

Prologue

It was an odd looking continent. All boring and covered in ice, which is water when it's frozen. But on that day in 2000, something happened. Antarctica was shattered, sea levels rose, cities were flooded and civilization collapsed. Pinko communism began to spread and democracy was replaced by gang-rapes. When order was finally restored, people began asking themselves what had caused the tragedy. Many theories were offered: Some said that it was a meteorite impact. Others claimed it was punishment from the heavens. Still others claimed it was the result of an experiment prodding Ayn Rand's bloated corpse with the Tuning Fork of Truth. These people were taken out and shot in a professional manner. And fifteen years passed...

Namble Genesis Truthelion

01:1

When Chickens Attack

A row of tanks sat along the road overlooking the submerged ruins of a city. The crews were watching and waiting like collectivist lemmings, incapable of thinking for themselves. Hovering above were a group of VTOL fighters, their crews slightly less lemmingish but garbed in red shirts for some unknown reason. All of a sudden, a war broke out. A monster rose from the depths, black and massive and misshapen. Flexing its giant claws and squinting its beady eyes, the giant strode onto the shore, heedless of the pitiful lemmings who began to fire upon it. It was Namble, the Third Chicken. Its purpose was as simple as the choice between Life and Death. Nothing would stop it from reaching Midlands-3. The Yeard was calling to it.

***

In another section of the ruins, a boy stood staring at a pay phone. He was somewhat short for his age but not the shortest because some people were shorter than he. His name was Richard Ikari. At this moment, he was also cursing. "Stupid operator, can't understand a word she's saying. Why does she have to speak in Jibber-Jabber? Stupid parents for being from a funny foreign country. Stupid country for not speaking English!" Frustrated, he looked once more at the photo of the woman who was coming to pick him up. Actually, he just looked at her impressive cleavage, helpfully circled in pen with a caption reading 'Check these out'. He felt his thing rise in him. Looking up for a brief second, he spotted a girl across the street. She had blonde hair so pale it was almost silver, red eyes and was wearing a school uniform that wasn't sexy at all. He turned back to the photograph. Whoever that girl was, she probably wasn't important or anything. Without warning, the ground shook and buildings trembled. Richard looked up to see a hideous creature smashing VTOLs. It paused to look at him with its eyes, squinting down that terrifying beak. Then it turned and moved on, leaving burning wreckage in its wake. Behind him, Richard heard the squealing of tires.

"Richard Ikari, right? Sorry to keep you waiting, get in!"

Turning, Richard saw that it was the buxom woman from the photograph. His thing rose once again and he hopped into the woman's '98 Scarlet. The car quickly sped off, carrying Richard to his rendezvous with destiny.

***

Deep in the heart of his underground fortress, Commander Zeddicus Ikari watched the antics of the lemmings below him. Bags, but they were fools, thinking that their collectivist soldiers could possibly stop a Chicken. Behind him, his second in command Warren stood in silence. He really didn't do anything but nobody could stand around and agree with the Commander as well as him. The lemmings on the command room floor seemed to have reached a decision. One was speaking very rapidly into his phone. Zedd smirked, the gesture hidden behind his hands which he held steepled in front of his face. Soon, he thought. Soon the lie would be put to their purpose.

***

At an outlook on the highway, Richard watched the woman looking at something in the distance through a pair of binoculars. He noted that her breasts looked even larger in real life than they did in the photo. He also wondered how he hadn't noticed that her hair was an odd purple color before now. Then his gaze wandered back to her chest and he forgot what he'd just been thinking about.

"Oh shit, the lemmings are using an N2 mine? Get down!"

Richard suddenly fell backwards as the woman threw herself over him. In the distance, there was a giant explosion as if someone had just detonated a really big explosive. The shock wave tossed the car end over end and the pair were thrown around for several minutes until the car finally came to a stop, somehow landing upright. Richard opened his eyes to see two breasts staring back at him. Opening her own eyes, the woman looked at Richard.

"You know, I don't think we've been properly introduced. I'm Major Nicci Katsuragi. Nice to meet you."

"Mffffgh ng Rrrrnnn"

"Oops, sorry about that." Nicci sat up, leaving Richard free but somewhat disappointed.

"They're very nice- I mean, it's nice to meet you too."

***

Back in the command center, the lemmings celebrated as the Chicken vanished in the explosion. Zedd continued to smirk and said nothing. A technician announced that visual contact was being restored. There on the viewscreen they could see the Chicken, unharmed. It cackled, a sound which turned the lemmings knees to jelly and their bowels to water. A flash of light came from its evil eyes and the visual feed was lost. From behind the Commander, Warren spoke.

"An RD-Field."

"Indeed, just like fifteen years ago."

On the floor, the lemmings rose from their seats and turned to look at Zedd. The Commander looked down upon them. Generals Muus and Mish and the one they simply called W. Lemmings all and now they had seen the lie that was their existence. It was written on their faces.

"It appears we will have to make use of your services after all, Commander. Do you think you can stop the Chicken when we could not?"

Zedd glared down at them. "That is why D'HARA exists."

***

The Scarlet sped down the deserted highway. Inside, Richard was struggling with something.

"Nicci, that monster I saw earlier, what was it?"

"Oh that? We call them Chickens. Our organization exists to protect mankind from them."

Ahh, Richard thought, that explains why I felt I was in the presence of Evil Incarnate.

Nicci turned around to stare at the back seat. "Say, was it really a good idea to do that?" Richard followed her gaze to where a large number of batteries and fuel cans were sitting.

"Of course it was. This is an emergency and we need fuel and power to get wherever it is you're taking me."

"Actually, I meant what you did to that little girl at the gas station."

"You mean that evil girl who told us we couldn't just take all the gas we wanted? Kicking her in the jaw was perfectly justified."

"She would disagree. Well, if it wasn't for the fact that she can't talk any more after you broke her jaw and severed her tongue. You even laughed about it."

"So what if I laughed? You did too. Eventually, even the parents laughed. That girl was choosing Death by trying to keep us from taking the supplies that we needed. By doing that, she turned her back on the Way and the Truth. Even a child can be used for Evil. If someone like me hadn't shown her the error of her ways-"

Realizing that he might go on for some time, Nicci floored the accelerator in an attempt to reach headquarters as quickly as possible.

[Eyecatch]

[Mossman]

I think he canceled because he has carpal tunnel in his wrist from.... well, you know.

Does he do that to himself, or does Myst@r do it for him?

[Larry.]

Myst@r is too busy trying to hit poor defenseless squirrels and fennec foxes and claiming to see me in them for him to have "jammed up" Tairy's wanking wrist.