Drawk's Back To Crisis Mode

[drawkcabi]

I went to the hospital at 2pm today to pick up my mother. We got all her discharge information straight, went to the pharmacy, went to the store for a brief shopping trip.

Then we got home. We have 2 sets of steps to get into our house, each set is only 4 steps. On the first set of steps my mother collapsed and said she couldn't move her legs.

I had to call 911 again and they took her back to the hospital. My dad and I followed in the car. We were in the emergency room from 6pm until about 1am. They did a whole bunch of tests...again...CAT scan, blood tests, urine samples. The only thing they found was my mom was low on magnesium.

The er was a madhouse, and my mom was a basketcase. When she had to pee she had to pee NOW and she shouted until someone helped her. When the bed she was lying in mad her tailbone hurt she yelled and carried on until someone helped her. Then her had to pee again.

The ER staff attending her, after all the tests were done, said they just needed to get her to walk a bit and she could go home. My plan was to get my mom walking and then borrow a wheel chair and I could wheel her up the ramp at the back of my house. But my mom couldn't get her legs to work. It got so bad the nurses were clearly getting pissed at her.

My dad couldn't understand why there was no definitive answer whether my mom was being admitted again or being sent home. The problem was that if my mom could walk some they would send her home, if she couldn't, well that complicated the issue.

My dad kept walking around bugging the ER staff about why he couldn't get an answer about my mom and they kept explaining it to him only to have him bugging them with the same question half an hour later. I had to take him to another waiting area to keep him away from them. Eventually he told me he had to go to the restroom, after about 10 minutes I had to go hunt him down and he was bugging the ER people again.

When the doctor came to see her he concluded that it was psychosomatic brought on by her anxiety. There's the possibility it's neurological but the doctor seemed to think anxiety causing it was the greater possibility.

We came to a decision to have an independent ambulance company bring my mom home and bring her up the ramp in the stretcher. My dad and I left first so we could be there when my mom arrived. On the way home my dad kept asking me if my mom was coming home tonight or tomorrow. I had to explain it to him 3 or 4 times.

When the ambulance got here with my mom, I told my dad they were bringing her up the back ramp. My dad says to me "Who?"

I went to the back door to open it and it would only open about a foot wide because the snow we had on Monday had melted and refrozen (It was now 2:30am and about 30 degrees) and the door would not budge over the ice past that foot.

They had to carry her precariously up the steps in the front. Now my mom is home and while she isn't walking, she has muscle control of her legs that she didn't have in the hospital. I'm supposed to be contacted a bout physical therapy for her tomorrow.

My brain is fried. I haven't eaten a thing all day except Halls cough drops for a sore throat that's been on fire and now I'm so hoarse I can barely speak and it hurts like hell to do so.

I'm heating up some wonton soup eating it, then going to bed. What a day.

[Stubby]

That must have been an awful day.

Hang in there mate. :grouphug:

[Gillio]

Oh boy, you are not kidding. What a day.

Take care of yourself Drawk, If your throat is still sore try a salty gargle, it should soothe it a little bit, at least. :grouphug:

Like Stubby said, Hang in there.

[Elder Sister]

I'm so sorry - what a day, indeed. That's horrific.

Hope you, your mom and dad are able to have some peaceful days for awhile. :grouphug:

[drawkcabi]

No offense taken Mandy, in fact I've thought about eldercare and have been trying to look into it more and more. I know we're headed this way, I don't know if they can qualify for it yet or if what they need is affordable. More looking into it is needed.

Thank you and again, everyone else for your posts. This thread is helping to keep me sane.

[drawkcabi]

Ok, um now we have social workers, psychiatric nurses, and physical therapy workers coming to the house every day to see my mom.

We finally got a wheelchair for her so we can take her to doctor appointments.

I've been very grumpy lately with the onslaught of allergy season and my knee that gives out has been hurting every time I walk on it. I'm having chest pains, stomach pains, and dizzy spells.

After 5 years of complaining about our landline phones and every time some calls having to aploigize for not being able to hear on thse shitty phones and the batteries giving out in less than an hour, I bought a new phone on Amazon for $24 without consulting my mother. It had the most positive reviews for a landline cordless in its price range and I checked and it gets extra loud for my hard of hearing dad.

When the phone came today and I hooked it up, she was horrified I bought it without consulting her first.

My mom has an appointment with the cardiologist tomorrow and she wants to cancel it. She is very upset because she has numbness all through her feet and legs and her hands. She is very verbally abusive, when she asks me or especially my dad to do stuff for her and we don't do it right. I get verbally malignant too, but not when I'm asking people to do something for me, sometimes when I'm having a particularly bad moment and I'm asked to do something for her or my dad and then there comes a "just one more thing..."

With the cardiologist, she had some paperwork to fill out before she goes and she kept asking me these questions. We have a social worker coming today and I suggested we ask her to help us if she's confused on what to do. She got upset and said she didn't want to ask the social worker anything, she doesn't even want her to come. She wants me to help her do the paperwork.

When it came to bringing her medications, she has a list of all she's taking, been taking and she got upset because she's not taking much on the list. I told her cross off everything she's not currently taking she got mad at me and said she's not going to do that.

That's when I lost it and said "FUCK YOU, YOU WHINY PITY BITCH!!!"

unforgivable, unredeemable, no matter what, it was undeserved, and I couldn't help myself.

No matter what she did or has done, I have done the unforgivable and my soul will be black marked for the rest of my days.

I am unredeemable and no amount of apologies will or can ever make up for it.

My damn mouth, my damn temper. It's always slow to boil, but when it reaches the boiling point, I lose self control.

And with that I damned in this life and whatever is beyond.

[naz]

Dude. You're seriously being too hard on yourself. You've held up extraordinarily well, all things considered. To be honest, I think you should seek some counseling as well. Do the social workers have some kind of support for caregivers? I know seeking help for yourself that's not free could only add to the tension, but maybe try to find a support group or something?

And, if there are people coming to help, does that free up some time where you can let off some steam for yourself? I think you sorely need it.

And you are not damned for losing patience and cussing at your mom. If that were so, I'd be in hell already. Don't take it out on yourself, dude. It won't help your parents and it certainly won't help you.

[Guy Kilmore]

It's ok.

People lose it. Mothers and Fathers have said the same thing to infants. Your mom is in a regressed state. Its ok to feel bad about it, that is a sign that you are a good person. Don't flail yourself with it. Just be honest, let her know you feel overwhelmed. Anger is an emotion we have because it motivates us to change a situation, use that motivation.

Use that social worker. That is why we get paid the big bucks, to do paperwork.

[Sci-2]

Yeah, as someone who has been way more of an asshole to his parents without even a tenth of the justification - it's okay Drawk.

You're human dude.

I think you should consider some counseling, even a community health center. There's stuff in my sig for that, but if you have trouble finding something let me know and I might be able to help.

[Maithanet]

unforgivable, unredeemable, no matter what, it was undeserved, and I couldn't help myself.

No matter what she did or has done, I have done the unforgivable and my soul will be black marked for the rest of my days.

I am unredeemable and no amount of apologies will or can ever make up for it.

My damn mouth, my damn temper. It's always slow to boil, but when it reaches the boiling point, I lose self control.

And with that I damned in this life and whatever is beyond.

It was a low moment, for sure. But it's just a moment, we all snap sometimes. You are being way way too hard on yourself in what is an incredibly difficult situation. You cannot expect to be endlessly patient, 100% of the time.

I'm sure that your mother will forgive you (and if she doesn't, she's being totally unreasonable). It sounds like forgiving yourself will be harder, but you have to try.

[drawkcabi]

I have a counselor and pshychiatrist. I haven't been able to see either since January. Every time I had an appointment, mother nature seemed fit to dump at least 4 inches of snow that day.

My next appointment is this Monday though.

I just feel like a horrible person right now, farthest point ever from the person I want to be.

[TerraPrime]

You just snapped under that pressure, drawk. It's not a moment to be proud of, but it's also not a moment to get yourself down on. You can't be perfect - nobody can. Cut yourself some slack. *hugs*

[drawkcabi]

thank you, everyone.

[Sci-2]

thank you, everyone.

Hope you're feeling better. Otherwise I can always bring out SCI-HULK TO GIVE YOU A HUG: :grouphug:

....cause me and sci-hulk are definitely different people.... :ph34r:

[drawkcabi]

feeling drained...

I apologized to my mom. she acknowledges she overwhelmed me, but she still despises that word

Feeling relieved you guys let me let out my frustration here and provide positive feedback, thank you for that.

[Balefont]

I don't care that she's your mother, you don't deserve to be treated like dirt.

< creepy internet hugs >

I hope you find and start to lean on some outside help soon. This is too much for anyone and there is only one of you.

[Ixodes]

I think it's great you are going to get help for yourself. Let me tell you that a person can only provide so much care to another (person, pet, cause, etc) before something gives. I remember years back when my infant son was having ongoing health issues. I was so frustrated, so spent, so sleep-deprived that I was running on fumes. My mom called and was telling me what to do when I finally just snapped. I yelled, I cursed, dropped f bombs left and right, and drove my mother to tears. On the phone. When all she was doing was trying to help. Yeah, I know how that feels.

That you are taking care of yourself is key. You can't help if you're spent. Use the support that is in place and don't feel guilty. All you can do ask forgiveness and go forward positively. The hardest person to ask forgiveness is yourself but it is vital. Hate the stress, hate the situation, but don't hate yourself. No one is unbreakable but we all can move forward after trauma.

[Gillio]

Drawk, I just got caught up. :grouphug:

I agree with the guys, dont be too hard on yourself, you are (and have been for a while) under enormous pressure with no let-up.

Lean on there outside carers as much as you can while they are available to you, and get some respite for yourself.

We are not our usual selves when we are stressed and tired, so dont be too hard on yourself if you lost it for a while.

Go re-read the last few posts, they all say it better than I can!

[Nichole]

Drawk, please do not beat yourself up about snapping at your mom. What you are going through is extremely difficult. You are a wonderful son doing all that he can and honestly, the whole situation seems like too much for one person. Can you talk to the social worker about what your options are about getting home help?

[Greywolf2375]

feeling drained...

I apologized to my mom. she acknowledges she overwhelmed me, but she still despises that word

Feeling relieved you guys let me let out my frustration here and provide positive feedback, thank you for that.

:grouphug:

that's what peeps are for.

It's great that you two were able to work through that, just make sure you keep taking some time to yourself. Use the care givers as much as possible/allowable. Make sure you're getting sleep, doing things that you enjoy. It's been said before - often the caregiver will get sick because they don't/can't keep focus on their own health.

:grouphug: