Parenting question: Kids and swearing

[MisterOJ]

So, around my friends, I swear a lot. I like to swear. But, since I've had kids, I haven't really cursed much at home. Because, you know... I have to set a good example, I guess. My oldest daughter is 10. She's probably heard me slip 3-4 times in her life. And she can recount each of those times too, since it was such an out-of-the-ordinary occurrence.

But this school year she has started playing soccer on her school's co-ed middle school squad. (It's a small school, and they don't have enough girls interested in soccer for a girls-only team, so any girls that want to play, do so with the boys.) They also share a practice field with the high school team and ride a bus together to away matches. I knew what we were in for. She was going to hear every swear word in the book. And she pretty much has. She was shocked by it all a little at first, but we had some good discussions about how it's not cool, even though "dumb boys" may find it so.

The season is almost over now. I'm really happy with how she's handled it. It hasn't really changed her vocabulary at home at all. And we haven't gotten any reports from teachers that she has started cussing like a sailor in class. It makes me feel a little silly about how I worried about her being exposed to bad words in movies and music before. Now, I don't worry about skipping over a song in the car that drops the F bomb with her. And it's sort of liberating.

I'm just curious to hear about how other parents have gotten over the whole swearing in front of your kids issue. Was it ever an issue for you? And if so, what age were your kids when it stopped being much of one?

[Lany Freelove Cassandra]

When the kids are younger than 10, it can be hard for them to understand why it is not appropriate to use certain words adults (and older kids) use. As they mature, they start understanding better and the exposure isn't a big deal.

IMO, you handled it exactly right. Limit exposure when young, explain why it should be used when they are old enough and/or when exposure can no longer be limited

[Frisco]

So far, I've found it to be a great gateway to start explaining how different things are appropriate for different occasions and in different places. My son is only 8, but when he discovers a new bad word, I make it a point to let him know that he needs to pay attention to when he uses it. It's led to some nice discussions on respect and appropriateness. He hasn't gotten in trouble for swearing...yet.

[Kalbear]

Our philosophy has been that there are some words that you should not use in public because they can get you in trouble or are mean. We tell them about the words and tell them why the words mean those things. We do not forbid their use or forbid their being heard from time to time. We try to not use them in front of the kids mostly to set a good example of not using them regularly.

It's our belief that understanding why not to use the words is more effective than simply forbidding them. So far it's worked out well, though my eldest son swears like a fucking sailor when playing videogames.

[Frisco]

So far it's worked out well, though my eldest son swears like a fucking sailor when playing videogames.

Along with stubbing toes and hitting your thumb with a hammer, that is one of the most valid reasons for swearing in the book. If I had been allowed to swear as a child, I would've broken far fewer Atari joysticks.

[Yersinia]

I sometimes find it really difficult not to swear in front of my kids, like when some asshole tries to run us over in the middle of a crosswalk.

They're way young to understand about when it's all right to say certain words and when it's not. Even though I know that they'll eventually slip up in front of the wrong person, I'd feel a lot better if I could safely shrug and say "They didn't learn it from me!".

It will be a relief when I don't have to watch my language so carefully, though. How difficult it is to avoid swearing seems to depend heavily on what I'm reading at the time. Anyone else have that?

[sj4iy]

I'm not terrible about it, but I've cursed in front of my children. It's just a natural reaction that I don't even think about until after I say it. My kids are 5 and 3, so they have repeated some of the words I've said. My daughter is quick to point out that I said a bad word. But she's going to school now, and I have no illusions that she will remain young and innocent forever. As long as they learn when it's appropriate and inappropriate to swear, I don't really mind too much.

[Otho Bracken]

If you don't swear in front of your kids, they won't swear in front of you. They'll come to know all the words, of course, but your behavior will help them learn that there are appropriate and not appropriate social contexts for swearing.

[Gillio]

Communication is the key. Like Frisco said, a great introduction to many conversations!

(when my youngest was 4 we had a cafe in a bowling alley. One of our friends took son with him to watch him play pinball. When i went to collect son, he was standing on an upturned milk crate at an inactive machine, hitting the flipper buttons and shouting "BUCKET")

[Littlefingers In The Air]

I stopped going around some friends who curse at their kids when they're angry. Things such as yelling "I'm going to beat your mutherfucking ass if you don't get upstairs" at a four year old makes me cringe.

[sj4iy]

I stopped going around some friends who curse at their kids when they're angry. Things such as yelling "I'm going to beat your mutherfucking ass if you don't get upstairs" at a four year old makes me cringe.

Yeah, that's pretty awful.

[lessthanluke]

I stopped going around some friends who curse at their kids when they're angry. Things such as yelling "I'm going to beat your mutherfucking ass if you don't get upstairs" at a four year old makes me cringe.

That is swearing at your kids though not swearing in front of.

I don't really have that much of a problem with parents who swear in front of their kids, they are going to learn the words anyway so don't really see why it matters who from. As long as it is explained that it isn't appropriate in some settings etc.

[sologdin]

mine learned serbocroatian curses from her mother by age three (jebo ti pas mater, u picku materinu, &c.). she doesn't know what they mean; nor do her instructors. win/win.

[Sci-2]

Marjorie Heins' "Not in Front of the Children", a book-sized argument against age-based censorship, used to be offered as a free PDF but having trouble seeing if there's still a legal link out there.

Worth a read, though naturally there's room for disagreement.

[MercenaryChef]

My dad swore a fucking lot around me.

I was told not to do it myself. And I didn't. ... within earshot or in public situations.

To this day I know who I can speak freely around and who I cannot.

[Larry of the Lawn]

My gf used to get written up for swearing at her old job so a coworker got her hooked on swearing in Klingon.

[buy one get one free]

My experience with my kids pretty much mirror's Mercenary Chef's dad.

I have always cussed like a sailor in front of my kids and they learned early on what was a "mommy-daddy" word and they didn't use them. When they hit middle school, I implicitly (maybe explicitly, I dunno) let them know that cussing around their peers was okay by me, if it was okay with their peers. Adults and littler kids are not peers.

Now, with 4 grown kids and 2 high school boys......3 of the 4 adults cusses regularly (but not inappropriately--it is fine to for them to cuss in front of me, but only 2 of those 3 will), 1 son will only very occasionally cuss. The two high schoolers, I am not positive, but don't think they cuss a lot.

It isn't the cussing or not cussing in front of kids that will ensure they grow up cussing responsibly--it is what many folks have already said, that you gotta actually teach them how.

[buy one get one free]

PS

Kevin Hart has a funny bit about this

prob don't need to tell you, but, nsfw

[kairparavel]

My gf used to get written up for swearing at her old job so a coworker got her hooked on swearing in Klingon.

I had a boss that didn't appreciate my cursing or taking the Lord's name in vain, so I started cursing in Quebec French.

I have an incredible potty mouth, developed over years of working in male-dominated non-office work. I've made coworkers blush. It used to amuse but now I'm growing to realize it does me no favours professionally so I have started to work very hard to reign in it. But it's SO hard sometimes. But on the other hand I almost never drop anything around my nieces/nephew.

I daresay it's more grating and uncomfortable to hear your 67 year old mother say fuck than your four year old kid.

Not that I have a four year old kid.

But I do have a 67 year old mother.

Grating.