Dating: a thing people are forced to do that no ethics committee would allow

[Wise Fool]

Well, if I'm any example, it works exactly like not dating whatsoever, and just being constantly alone.

Not a Jain.

[Datepalm]

You know what's good for something approaching a panic attack? All your colleagues - your your-age colleagues - spending lunch discussing mortgages and school districts with rabid, bright eyed enthusiasm and total conviction while you try to work up the courage to text your new landlord on whatsapp because, honestly, a six month lease, I mean, that's a long time, and, uh, you, know, parents do have a couch and stuff, and then procrastinate from doing that by toying with the idea of texting that guy you went on a second date with two months ago (ie, the most serious relationship of your life,) but don't because, well, he might answer. You decide to compromise by doing neither, but finally calling that new therapist. And sending your boss a call for proposals for a 2 year long project in Cameroon.

Hey, they have trains in Cameroon.

[The guy from the Vale]

Heh.

My dating life has been put on hold by a sudden onset of gastroenteritis. I'm fine, but my coworker (not much longer, hopefully) isn't. I haven't seen her for a week now, and won't until Wednesday due to differing schedules. 

On the good news, it looks like my main source of income will soon switch to a new job at a Start-Up. I will not be earning tons, and I'll probably still work some reduced hours for my current employer because as long as the new firm doesn't generate enough income, we'll all be earning minimum wage. But at long last, I'll not be in a position where I depend on this employer and can go forward with other issues. Only two more weeks...

[Arch-MaesterPhilip]

So I have a friend at work who is a hockey fan and awhile back I asked her if she'd be interested in taking in a Ranger game and she seemed enthusiastic. Now that I have bought them she is iffy, which is totally understandable.  But I don't care to wait for her answer. Would it be wrong of me to offer the ticket to someone else or should I wait a few days? 

[Sis Who Swears]

9 hours ago, Arch-MaesterPhilip said:

So I have a friend at work who is a hockey fan and awhile back I asked her if she'd be interested in taking in a Ranger game and she seemed enthusiastic. Now that I have bought them she is iffy, which is totally understandable.  But I don't care to wait for her answer. Would it be wrong of me to offer the ticket to someone else or should I wait a few days? 

Now that you actually have Rangers tickets, it is NOT understandable that she is iffy. This is straight up yes or no timeand most people jump at the chance to see live hockey no matter what. I'm sorry but she's not interested and you should TOTALLY go with someone else... and have a good time!

[Arkhangel]

She probably wasn't expecting you to actually buy the tickets based on an old conversation without checking whether she was free and still wanted to go. I would just tell her that you'd like to know whether she can make it by, say, tomorrow evening because if she can't you have another friend who would like to come. And then if you don't hear from her, that's fine, you go ahead and offer the tickets to someone else.

[Arch-MaesterPhilip]

6 hours ago, Sis Who Swears said:

Now that you actually have Rangers tickets, it is NOT understandable that she is iffy. This is straight up yes or no timeand most people jump at the chance to see live hockey no matter what. I'm sorry but she's not interested and you should TOTALLY go with someone else... and have a good time!

I have friends who would be interested so it's not going to waste. I certainly will, it's been too long. Too bad my sister lives so far away, we used to go all the time.  

[Theda Baratheon]

Awhile ago I had a pretty boring date with some guy who drove all the way to Wales from Cornwall to see me (this freaked me out) and I said I wasn't interested straight away after and now he's asked me out again and I've said I would hang out as friends but that honestly I don't see anything between us and I feel so bad doing it. I feel so uncomfortable and nasty but what else can I do 

[lessthanluke]

36 minutes ago, Theda Baratheon said:

Awhile ago I had a pretty boring date with some guy who drove all the way to Wales from Cornwall to see me (this freaked me out) and I said I wasn't interested straight away after and now he's asked me out again and I've said I would hang out as friends but that honestly I don't see anything between us and I feel so bad doing it. I feel so uncomfortable and nasty but what else can I do 

Telling the truth isn't nasty. Try not to beat yourself up about it.

[Theda Baratheon]

When I say there was no chemistry I mean like zero. No easy casual chemistry. Not even friendship chemistry D: I don't know if I even wanna hang out with him and I mentioned I'm moving back to cornwall for a bit where he's also from so I feel like ive accidentaly led him on or something and I feel horrible 

[Frances Bean Corbray]

7 hours ago, Theda Baratheon said:

Awhile ago I had a pretty boring date with some guy who drove all the way to Wales from Cornwall to see me (this freaked me out) and I said I wasn't interested straight away after and now he's asked me out again and I've said I would hang out as friends but that honestly I don't see anything between us and I feel so bad doing it. I feel so uncomfortable and nasty but what else can I do 

 

6 hours ago, Theda Baratheon said:

When I say there was no chemistry I mean like zero. No easy casual chemistry. Not even friendship chemistry D: I don't know if I even wanna hang out with him and I mentioned I'm moving back to cornwall for a bit where he's also from so I feel like ive accidentaly led him on or something and I feel horrible 

Oh, you've told the story about this dude before I think?  About a year ago?

iirc and it's the same dude/same date that you talked about before, you were respectful but firm in your statement about not feeling chemistry and Not Being Into Him That Way.  Ultimately you have to stick to your guns on this and he needs to get that you mean what you say and Its Not Happening.

We only have your side of the story of course, but do try to avoid falling in the trap of letting kindness become weakness.  You don't have to feel bad, ever, about rejecting someone you're not into unless you're a total asshole about it.  Which as far as I can tell, you weren't.  You were about as clear and tactful as a person can reasonably be expected to be. 

You haven't led him on.  Although if you guilt yourself into caving, even hanging out as friends, you might start to (or at least that's what he will think when he tries to pursue More Than Friends again and you again have to tell him No).  So don't do that.  He's already sounding hard enough to get rid of as it is.

 

[Red Tiger]

7 hours ago, Salad Days Saan said:

 

Oh, you've told the story about this dude before I think?  About a year ago?

iirc and it's the same dude/same date that you talked about before, you were respectful but firm in your statement about not feeling chemistry and Not Being Into Him That Way.  Ultimately you have to stick to your guns on this and he needs to get that you mean what you say and Its Not Happening.

We only have your side of the story of course, but do try to avoid falling in the trap of letting kindness become weakness.  You don't have to feel bad, ever, about rejecting someone you're not into unless you're a total asshole about it.  Which as far as I can tell, you weren't.  You were about as clear and tactful as a person can reasonably be expected to be. 

You haven't led him on.  Although if you guilt yourself into caving, even hanging out as friends, you might start to (or at least that's what he will think when he tries to pursue More Than Friends again and you again have to tell him No).  So don't do that.  He's already sounding hard enough to get rid of as it is.

 

Dont give in to the pressure of "Being obligated to be nice", being honest with people will be a lot better for your mental and emotional health in the long run.

[The guy from the Vale]

I second (...fourth?) the fine gentlemen above. Saying no is the opposite of being nasty. Stick with your gut instinct on this one and just ignore him if he ever tries to contact you again. 

Going to ask coworker if she minds going for a drink after work on Thursday (which is the day we two usually stay in the office the longest). We'll see where that goes.

[Theda Baratheon]

Should I delete/block him on facebook then ? That's what is making me feel nasty, I haven't done it yet though. I'm going to just opt with hoping he doesn't message me again and not messaging him hah. Thanks though guys, kind of sort of but not really connected to the femninity thread it's sort of interesting how ingrained ''being nice'' is in girls. 

[The guy from the Vale]

No need to go overboard unless you're stuck in a Datepalm situation. Just don't message him and decline further date offers if he cames up with any - but be clear that you're declining, not postponing.

 

[Red Tiger]

28 minutes ago, Theda Baratheon said:

Should I delete/block him on facebook then ? That's what is making me feel nasty, I haven't done it yet though. I'm going to just opt with hoping he doesn't message me again and not messaging him hah. Thanks though guys, kind of sort of but not really connected to the femninity thread it's sort of interesting how ingrained ''being nice'' is in girls. 

It's a society thing, theres a ton of pressure on girls to "be nice" and "not be shallow". The double standards are a bitch.

As for the Facebook question, once you've made it clear to him you don't really like him as a friend or anything else, you are well in your right to delete him, you don't owe him any type of friendship, not even an online one.

[Kelli Fury]

Theda- you are not required to be nice to everyone. You don't owe this guy that, and nice hasn't gotten him to take the hint. You are entitled to all the space from him you want without feeling bad at all.

[karaddin]

Yeah, you are more than justified in deleting him off your Facebook. I mean, you don't have any obligation to have him there in the first place and you don't want to be friends with him, and not only is he not taking a hint, he's not even taking an explicit statement of "not interested".

I know why you feel the way you do, and it's like Red Tiger says, but unfortunately the societal pressure is also working against you on the other side. Look at all the movies where the plucky guy just needs to be persistent enough and through behavior that's actually super toxic she will come around after being worn down (because she's constantly struggling with exactly what you are, can't be 'mean' to him when you are actually just asserting boundaries).

[Red Tiger]

13 minutes ago, karaddin said:

Yeah, you are more than justified in deleting him off your Facebook. I mean, you don't have any obligation to have him there in the first place and you don't want to be friends with him, and not only is he not taking a hint, he's not even taking an explicit statement of "not interested".

I know why you feel the way you do, and it's like Red Tiger says, but unfortunately the societal pressure is also working against you on the other side. Look at all the movies where the plucky guy just needs to be persistent enough and through behavior that's actually super toxic she will come around after being worn down (because she's constantly struggling with exactly what you are, can't be 'mean' to him when you are actually just asserting boundaries).

The Hollywood stalker machine has indeed produced some unhealthy ideas. However, I think its been just as bad for men. All these fantasies give young men the wrong idea about what things like love and romance are and both sexes end up paying the price for it. They come across as more like obsession and desperation in the media.

Another bunch of examples, the idea that a woman should never approach, "all men enjoy the hunt" and that playing hard to get is always sexy.

[The guy from the Vale]

I may have come across the wrong way earlier, I fear; if having him on facebook creeps you out in any way, of course get rid of his address. I'm just far too little of a habitual  facebook user to really care who is in my contact list and I'm just happy to have stored all my contacts' addresses somewhere :P.

And yes, cultural expectations around dating are just so wrong on so many levels. Most Hollywood/Pop Music/Video Game tropes around those issues creep me out with their overall toxicity.