Dating thread VII? Single Nerds Club

[peterbound]

I do consider myself a man of science

They are laughing at you. Not with you.

You should learn to make that distinction.

[Disturber of Peace]

LITA,

http://www.liberator.com/ramp.html

PA,

Ser, I have always regarded you as a gentleman and a scholar.

[Prince Alexander]

They are laughing at you. Not with you.

You should learn to make that distinction.

You sound like a very happy person, I'm very happy for you

PA,

Ser, I have always regarded you as a gentleman and a scholar.

I live to serve.

[Darth Visenya]

I'm happy although unfulfilled in my relationship at the same time at the moment, it's a very odd feeling.

[Inigima]

Good for you Mandy, I think that's a good idea and I hope it helps, and good on you for identifying a problem and working to address it.

[kungtotte]

I think you're on the right track, Mandy. A lot of people seem to want to find a significant other just to have one, or to scratch some sexual itch (which for all I know could be literal in your case :laugh:), and don't seem to be comfortable being on their own. A friend of mine just got out of a serious relationship and now he can't stop talking about trying to find someone, and I keep telling him that until he feels comfortable with being alone he's probably only going to find relationships that have built-in expiration dates.

Defining yourself relative to a relationship rather than the other way around is not a great idea.

But I don't doubt things will work out for you, Mandy. You know what's up and you have a plan, so it doesn't matter if you have to take some time to work on things.

[Eponine]

Is it tacky or misguided when one is single and looking to ask someone to put you in a position be able to meet some of their single friends and acquaintances? I can see a situation where it's tacky - you feel like you'll be able to corner someone into having to hang out with you - and a situation where it's not tacky - you want to expand your social circle and get to know more people, with the side benefit of possibly meeting eligible dates. I don't fault anyone for putting themselves in social situations where they'll meet more potential partners.

But I'd like to be able to say, "sorry, but it's not really appropriate for me to invite you along so you can try to meet some women." Because when I'm not cowardly, I'm tactless. And the other thing I can think to say is "there's no way in hell I'd let anyone I know think I was endorsing you as a date because in Ini's Cracked article, you fail pretty much every point." Perhaps there's a middle way to say this?

[Prince Alexander]

Is it tacky or misguided when one is single and looking to ask someone to put you in a position be able to meet some of their single friends and acquaintances? I can see a situation where it's tacky - you feel like you'll be able to corner someone into having to hang out with you - and a situation where it's not tacky - you want to expand your social circle and get to know more people, with the side benefit of possibly meeting eligible dates. I don't fault anyone for putting themselves in social situations where they'll meet more potential partners.

But I'd like to be able to say, "sorry, but it's not really appropriate for me to invite you along so you can try to meet some women." Because when I'm not cowardly, I'm tactless. And the other thing I can think to say is "there's no way in hell I'd let anyone I know think I was endorsing you as a date because in Ini's Cracked article, you fail pretty much every point." Perhaps there's a middle way to say this?

Dating through friends./work/hobbies is IMO/in my world - pooping where you eat. I would never hit on a fellow dancer for example. I've made a mistake of dating through theatre before, didn't end well + consequences.

PA certified advice - meet strangers in random places (or web if you're lazy), magic is outside of comfort zone after all, and you will never have to risk your social standing.

ETA: I misread your post, although advice still applies.

Tell them no, unless you want someone else's drama in your life. Alternatively, take them out to meet strangers.

[Inigima]

I don't think it is weird to want a friend to set you up with their friends -- at your discretion only. If you think he sucks, don't set him up with anyone. Although if you think that little of him, why are you friends?

Wanting you to invite him places to meet women seems stranger to me, though.

[karaddin]

Hey Mandy, this is drifting off topic but I'm reading a book for a subject I'm doing at uni on drug use and (disclaimer I'm only 1/4 done) thought you might be interested in it. It's called memoirs of an addicted mind and it's by a former addict of pretty much everything turned neuroscientist talking about his life and addictions. Quite easy reading and not just talking about drug addictions either.

[Eponine]

I don't think it is weird to want a friend to set you up with their friends -- at your discretion only. If you think he sucks, don't set him up with anyone. Although if you think that little of him, why are you friends?

He's a longtime friend of the V's. It's not that he sucks, exactly. It's more that he doesn't really have anything to offer a girlfriend (and he's looking for a girlfriend not a one night stand type deal) beyond being an alright person, thus the reference to the Cracked article.

I mean, if I had a friend who thought she might be interested in going on a date with you, I would definitely say that you're awesome, but that's vague and uninteresting. Just off the top of my head, I could easily say 5 things about you that indicate your interests and personality, and I haven't even seen you in person in years. I don't know what I could tell my friends about this guy because he doesn't pursue his interests consistently, doesn't have a career, and is generally directionless. Which doesn't make him awful or worthless, but not someone I could recommend to a girlfriend.

[Colder Hands]

He's a longtime friend of the V's. It's not that he sucks, exactly. It's more that he doesn't really have anything to offer a girlfriend (and he's looking for a girlfriend not a one night stand type deal) beyond being an alright person, thus the reference to the Cracked article.

I mean, if I had a friend who thought she might be interested in going on a date with you, I would definitely say that you're awesome, but that's vague and uninteresting. Just off the top of my head, I could easily say 5 things about you that indicate your interests and personality, and I haven't even seen you in person in years. I don't know what I could tell my friends about this guy because he doesn't pursue his interests consistently, doesn't have a career, and is generally directionless. Which doesn't make him awful or worthless, but not someone I could recommend to a girlfriend.

well if you just told her the bare bones up front, some people like fixer uppers ;)

I do a piece in my standup about how guys like a fixer upper house or car to save money but they all think they deserve a perfect 10 when it comes to women.

i know a few really successful women in their early 40s who would be very happy with just a nice guy. they are getting ready to retire and have enough $ for the rest of life, they just want a guy who will love them, treat them right and not use them for their $.

[Littlefingers In The Air]

If only the world worked so ideally. I wish the best for those women, CH.

[Colder Hands]

If only the world worked so ideally. I wish the best for those women, CH.

Thanks, as do I. :) Let's just say the online sites are not getting it done for them!

[ljkeane]

I'm not sure I'd be too comfortable saying to someone I'm somewhat friendly with that they can't meet my friends unless I thought they were actually an unpleasant person. I'm might not actively endorse them as boyfriend/girlfriend material but my friends are adults who can make decisions about how suitable people are to date for themselves so if someone wants to meet them in a general social setting why not?

[Colder Hands]

I'm not sure I'd be too comfortable saying to someone I'm somewhat friendly with that they can't meet my friends unless I thought they were actually an unpleasant person. I'm might not actively endorse them as boyfriend/girlfriend material but my friends are adults who can make decisions about how suitable people are to date for themselves so if someone wants to meet them in a general social setting why not?

I have one guy friend, who on paper looked amazing. That said he was the last guy I wanted any of my female friends to date. While they were adults, and expressed interest, there is a certain comfort they gain with a friends endorsement and the guard starts down a little.

It's like a friend referring their friend for a job, you feel the vetting process is done because you trust that friend who recommended them.

[ljkeane]

I have one guy friend, who on paper looked amazing. That said he was the last guy I wanted any of my female friends to date. While they were adults, and expressed interest, there is a certain comfort they gain with a friends endorsement and the guard starts down a little.

It's like a friend referring their friend for a job, you feel the vetting process is done because you trust that friend who recommended them.

I appreciate that actually endorsing somebody as a potential partner is different, and perhaps I'm misreading what'd be involved, but just putting someone in a position to meet your friends doesn't strike me as a big deal.

[White Walker Texas Ranger]

You wouldn't necessarily have to set up a date in order to introduce him, and you're wouldn't necessarily have to endorse him in order to set up a date. I don't see the harm in a casual introduction.

[Littlefingers In The Air]

I'm on the fence. On one hand, I see the argument there is no harm in letting reasonable adults choose for themselves what they want. On the other, I've had friends that I would consider brothers approach me about hooking them up with close female friends and sometimes cousins, and I've actively refused on the grounds that I didn't like what could possibly result.

But I always did that based on knowing those brothers weren't in good places in life and not wanting to subject others I care about to dealing with someone who already has enough to deal with on their own.

[peterbound]

Ep-

I'm generally anti blind hook up, although it sounds like a great opportunity for you to set up a bwb meetup for them to meet each other.

PA- you don't actually think people take your advice do you? You have one of the most misguided world views when it comes to dating that I've ever read. Ask advice, sure, but stop giving it.