lady narcissa Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 They are not compliments to the recipient at all. Which makes you wonder who these "compliments" are for. It certainly doesn't seem to be for the intended recipient of said "compliments".Agreed. I always perceive the "compliments" being more for the speaker than the recipient. They are always what they the speaker likes and enjoys and wants to see more of - i.e. the woman's ass, their legs, their breasts. Or if not "compliments", they are commands to the woman about what she should change so she will be more aesthetically pleasing to the speaker - i.e. "Smile! You will be prettier!", "Hey girl, grow your hair longer, you will look so much sexier!", "Hey why are you hiding those long legs behind that long skirt? Show them off so I can enjoy them!". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lyanna Stark Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Somewhat tangentially to this discussion to people sincerely interested in what they can do themselves: 5 Steps to Unlearning a Lifetime of Patriarchal Lies. In my view, a lot of change starts with education and awareness. LN: Yes, very good points. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zorral Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 And now the woman is getting rape and death threats to punish her for having created this documentation, and made it public. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gneisenau Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 And now the woman is getting rape and death threats to punish her for having created this documentation, and made it public.This is probably going to be the norm in the internet era. If her video has 5 million views, than at 1 percent, 50000 are potential psycopaths, and a smaller subset of them would be sending out the death threats. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lyanna Stark Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 And now the woman is getting rape and death threats to punish her for having created this documentation, and made it public. The woman in the video? I am unfortunately not surprised since the amount of misogyny from a subset of the public is pretty intense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
protar Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 I consider it rude to stop and engage someone who's moving (even if it's to ask directions), because they might be in a hurry, etc, or for example it's the same if someone is doing an exercise at the gym and you start talking to them. I don't want to have people talk to me when I have 120kg over my chest and focusing on doing the set. Same idea. So I'm fully behind people minding their own business and not distracting those who are clearly occupied. But my point is that this video is yet another men vs women clickbait that offers no objectively good messsage (except don't stalk? duh?) You're saying it's ok to compliment women in subway or bars? How the hell is that different, then? Same arguments posters mentioned above can be applied in any freaking environment. Woman alone at a bar looking bored? Can't compliment her, she doesn't need compliments, cause that's objectification and is creepy, just mind your own business man. As I already said - it's different when there's some social context which puts the two of you together, where it's logical for you to be talking. Your compliment might still be unwanted, but you aren't flinging your compliment at her from out of the blue - there's a reasonable space for you to be saying something to her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mouse Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 As an update to my posts yesterday regarding my experience with no cat-calling, my husband reminds me that I have frequently not noticed when people I actually know say hello to me on the street, so it is entirely possible that I'm cat-called and harassed all the time, and am just oblivious to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TerraPrime Posted October 30, 2014 Author Share Posted October 30, 2014 [mod hat] Please stay on topic in this thread. [/mod hat] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deleted01 Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 As an update to my posts yesterday regarding my experience with no cat-calling, my husband reminds me that I have frequently not noticed when people I actually know say hello to me on the street, so it is entirely possible that I'm cat-called and harassed all the time, and am just oblivious to it.I think I'm on hyper-alert, and notice everything around me, whether it's directed at me or not. My partner tends to block everyone out - a habit arising from being harassed on the street by others - and doesn't notice very much, but I'm trying to get him to take note of things.My sister and I were catcalled by a pair of builders a few weeks ago. My sister is 17. I got even angrier than usual, and spoke up, telling them that they were being inappropriate and disgusting. I was met with stunned silence. Usually I ignore it, or make a joke back at them, but I felt the need to protect my sister, and the words just shot out of my mouth. Situations like that make me want to raise my fist and shout "feminism!" at the top of my lungs, largely because it makes me feel more empowered, and as if I've taken control of the situation, and also because it would piss them off even more. I'm petty, I know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swordfish Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Is the consensus that there is a distinction between the type of catcalling we see in the video, which hopefully we can all agree is not acceptable, and complimenting a stranger as a way of breaking the ice? i know it's been discussed, but only by one or two people. And if so, where are the lines? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gneisenau Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 If you want to talk to strangers, you have to accept the risk that they might not want talk with you and will feel uncomfortable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swordfish Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 If you want to talk to strangers, you have to accept the risk that they might not want talk with you and will feel uncomfortable. Indeed. But never talking to strangers also seems like not the best option. There are a lot of friendships I'd have missed out on had I never talked to strangers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shryke Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Agreed. I always perceive the "compliments" being more for the speaker than the recipient. They are always what they the speaker likes and enjoys and wants to see more of - i.e. the woman's ass, their legs, their breasts. Or if not "compliments", they are commands to the woman about what she should change so she will be more aesthetically pleasing to the speaker - i.e. "Smile! You will be prettier!", "Hey girl, grow your hair longer, you will look so much sexier!", "Hey why are you hiding those long legs behind that long skirt? Show them off so I can enjoy them!". I think it goes beyond that. Like, they don't expect the women to actually stop and accept it. Or fuck them. Or whatever. Any reaction is just an invitation for abuse or more comments. There's literally nothing they want out of the scenario for the women other then to just take it. They want nothing more then a target. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shryke Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Also, The Daily Show's Jessica Williams did a piece on this early this month, which seems timely:http://thedailyshow.cc.com/videos/5ndnit/jessica-s-feminized-atmosphere For anyone (looking at a specific poster) who think it's totally cool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TerraPrime Posted October 30, 2014 Author Share Posted October 30, 2014 I like one of the excuses used for this is that they just want to brighten someone's day by telling them that they look nice. ORLY? Is that why the recipients of these compliments have been almost exclusively women, from men? I guess men just don't want other men to have a nice day, eh? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brook Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Is the consensus that there is a distinction between the type of catcalling we see in the video, which hopefully we can all agree is not acceptable, and complimenting a stranger as a way of breaking the ice? i know it's been discussed, but only by one or two people. And if so, where are the lines? Situation is important, and pay attention to body language. Someone sitting in a place that welcomes social interactions (like a bar etc) and looking around making eye contact with people is a lot more likely to be open to being approached than someone on public transport head down buried in a book, or with headphones on staring out the window, or in the middle of a conversation with friends. I have seriously in the past been at a bar, deep in a VERY obviously emotional conversation with a friend, she had been CRYING and the guy who felt the need to butt in and talk to us ranted about how rude we were because he got 'sorry I'm really not interested in talking right now'. I was even polite about it because of not wanting to antagonise the douche or I would have outright told him to fuck off from the start. Compliments about my looks from someone I don't know are pretty close to 100% of the time going to annoy me and put me on my guard. If I am open to talk it's going to be a lot more likely to happen if you find something to actually talk about. I'm really not interested in if you think I'm pretty or not but I may enjoy hearing about your opinions of the book I'm carrying, or the tv show referenced on my t-shirt etc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ser Scot A Ellison Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 I don't quite know what to make of this:http://elitedaily.com/humor/10-hours-walking-new-york-city-man-lot-funnier-video/820511/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deedles Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 I've complimented people in the past, on very specific non personal things, "great bag", " "love your shoes", "where did you get that bag" but it's always been when a) in public and b) when standing. I would never dream of stopping someone to strike up a conversation when they are walking somewhere or making a random statement. I am disturbed and upset when people tell me to "smile ", "cheer up", "lovely eyes" or the like when I am going somewhere. The only time I think it's ok / non threatening is if I'm walking my dog and someone says "hello", "good time of the day". I'm clearly engaged in a leisure activity and it feels different to me.Having said that, I'm terrified of randomers touching me when the bump starts showing properly. I'm Not great with hugging / touching when I'm not expecting it. Do I just grope them back? Run away? Does it really happen that much. I would have felt my Mums bump when she was pregnant with my brother but I've never felt the need to touch anyone else's. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swordfish Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Situation is important, and pay attention to body language. Someone sitting in a place that welcomes social interactions (like a bar etc) and looking around making eye contact with people is a lot more likely to be open to being approached than someone on public transport head down buried in a book, or with headphones on staring out the window, or in the middle of a conversation with friends. I have seriously in the past been at a bar, deep in a VERY obviously emotional conversation with a friend, she had been CRYING and the guy who felt the need to butt in and talk to us ranted about how rude we were because he got 'sorry I'm really not interested in talking right now'. I was even polite about it because of not wanting to antagonise the douche or I would have outright told him to fuck off from the start. That makes sense. I think that's sort of the point that was floating around in my brain not fully formed. Thanks! Compliments about my looks from someone I don't know are pretty close to 100% of the time going to annoy me and put me on my guard. If I am open to talk it's going to be a lot more likely to happen if you find something to actually talk about. I'm really not interested in if you think I'm pretty or not but I may enjoy hearing about your opinions of the book I'm carrying, or the tv show referenced on my t-shirt etc This one I think is a little more nuanced though I think. I mean, if I'm in a social situation and all the criteria from the first paragraph are met, I know literally nothing about the person except what i can see. In the case where you're carrying a book or wearing an interesting t-shirt that definitely helps, but it's not always the case that i have anything else to go on. There's always the 'do you come here often' or 'how about this weather' i guess, but I don't think those are particularly effective ice breakers. I make passing comments to strangers all the time, though not on the level of the catcalling in the video, obviously. I guess I had no idea this was even controversial. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brook Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 It didn't happen a lot to me but it did happen. The worst was at work one time when someone in another department I barely new bailed me up in the bathroom and I was literally backing up against the wall trying to get away from her. I suggest telling them you're likely to throw up if they touch your stomach. Most people seem to think all pregnant women are just a second away from projectile vomit at all times so they are likely to take that seriously (and sometimes that's even true). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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