Go Ahead and Date a Single Dad says CNN

[Balefont]

[quote name='Seventh Pup' post='1742002' date='Apr 2 2009, 07.35']Honestly I did not mean all the time, in every situation. 'Never, ever' was a bit hyperbolic, I apologize if that offended.

It's hard to explain... Look I'm 26, I have a good job, a good boyfriend, and am generally very independent. But I'll always be my papa's little girl; the bond that children have with their parents bends and changes over time but I think it's one of the strongest there is. I'm still very close with all of my parents (including my step parents). What I meant by never ever, is that a bond a parent has with their child (hopefully) never, ever goes away. If that makes sense...[/quote]

I totally understand and would like to add to this coming from someone who is married with a child and is very close to her daddy. My dad is my world. Sounds strange as most people would assume that statement should be "my daughter is my world". Well, she is yet it's different. And I love my mom just a deeply as my dad, it's just a different color is all. My bond with my dad does not diminish my bond with my mom. My bond with Bailey does not diminish my bond with Jay (except when we disagree on parenting techniques, gods he can be a frustrating twat sometimes). It's just... different. And for those with 'successful' step-parent/child relationships in addition to biological and adoptive, etc., as mormont said, your feelings for each person aren't exclusive of the others.

I know Jay has a hard time dealing with the wicked strong bond between Bailey and my dad - he feels... replaced or displaced or that Bailey might love my dad more or me more. Yet, Jay is getting better at realizing that Bailey's love for each of us is deep yet a different flavor and one doesn't preclude another. And he's learning to be happy for her because she has [i]that[/i] [i]much more love in her life[/i].

There is no hierarchy to love - it's more like shepherd's pie.

ETA: This also brings me back to the thread on loving nieces and nephews as much as your kids. You can totally love them and your own kids on a deep level. Loving your own kids does not mean you love your nieces and nephews less if you are lucky enough to have that close of a relationship with your nieces and nephews. It's just more love in your life and there's always room for more love.

[Angalin]

[quote name='Simon of Steele' post='1741797' date='Apr 1 2009, 22.27']All I know is when my son was sick and I missed a number of days from school while staying at the bedside in the hospital, when I came back there was a stack of get well/thinking of you cards from my students. They got together and did it on their own. They showed true caring, something some of my closest friends weren't able to do.[/quote]
If they're doing that for you, you know you're reaching them, Simon. :)
[quote]I love babies too. [b]This idea that men only want older children seems strange too.[/b] I'd never been around kids before my son, and the first five months of his life I was still deployed overseas. So when I came home he was pretty established with people other than me. I took over full time parenting that first day back, and we were bonded almost instantly.[/quote]
Hmm... not exactly what I said. Without checking- no time - I think I said that "a lot of men" and "some women" want kids and what they get are babies. Which are a whole different proposition (paraphrasing now). For some people, that's a big adjustment and a long wait for what the adult involved considers the "fun part".

[quote name='Seventh Pup' post='1742048' date='Apr 2 2009, 07.47']Both of my parents have happy marriages with my step parents. There is [b]defiantly[/b] a love life possible post divorce post children.[/quote]
:lol: I can guess your original intent but some truth to that, too ;)

[Centrist Simon Steele]

[quote name='Seventh Pup' post='1741933' date='Apr 2 2009, 02.25']Well I can only speak for myself but to highlight all of the reasons I can think of off the top of my head…

One, you will never ever be number one to your partner. Now personally, my personal relationships (not necessarily romantic) are the most important thing to me, this isn’t the case with everybody nor should it be. For some people its career, or religion etc.[/quote]

It doesn't work that way. We all have things in our lives that drive us--some people are very dedicated to their partners and their careers. My ex-girlfriend tried that line on me, and she didn't understand that care for your partner is a completely different part of your heart untouched by care for your child. They are one hundred percent separate and there is more than enough room for both.

I didn't understand this always either. When my son was born, I thought to myself that I loved him and this is what love is. I never loved my wife that way. (Of course she was cheating on me and sending all the money I made to her family in another country, but that's another story!) I realize now that they are completely different.

It should never be about competition or we're looking at this completely the wrong way.

Angalin--sorry for misrepresenting what you said. I was just taken back to my "Daddy Boot Camp" seminar I was forced to go to where the lady said fathers want a time out on parenting until the kid is old enough to play catch. Or whatever. I was like "oh yeah?"

[Lyanna Stark]

I don't know why it should be a bad thing to date a single father. Doesn't it all depend on the person? For me there are far more important factors like, is he a nice bloke? Is he totally hopeless with money? (I'd say a single father might actually be better than average here, since like single mothers, they really learn how to budget and not spend money on useless crap.)

As for not wanting another kid, sometimes people are adamant about exactly what they want, like Chataya, other times, life just happens. It doesn't always turn out as planned. I can respect a decision to not have another child since it is a big undertaking, but what is true for one person doesn't always have to be true for another person. Plus like I found out myself, depending on your situation in life, this can change. I don't only mean your relationship, your partner and your age, but also other changes, like parents dying, experiencing dwindling amount of relatives etc. Many things in life can help determine whether or not you want a child of your own or think it is something you'd be fine with to live together with step-children. What you think at 22 may not be what you think at 34 (and not cos of the silly ZOMG biological clock thing).

Regarding the "ZOMG I NEED MY OWN BIOLOGICAL CHILD OR ELSE!!!", what can I say, for many years I didn't think I could have children. I was fully prepared I was unable to and it was something I was not too upset about, whether it would lead to not have a child or to adopt. Luckily my partner is fine with this and won't ditch me. A lot of people have fertility problems. Would your dump your SO if she/he had fertility problems? Is it "My Bloodline" over "My Lifelong partner"?


EDIT: Is it just me, or wouldn't you totally want to date Simon if you were single and lived near him? (Altho he'd probably turn me down :) )

[Silverstar]

For me, (and it is just for me - I'm not assuming that anyone else feels the same way), fertility problems are a different issue. There's a big difference IMO between "you can't have a child because, biologically, there's problems with that", and "you can't have a child because I say so".

In the first instance, there are things that you can hopefully do about it - IVF, surrogacy, adoption and so on - the main factor being that you and your partner are working together to figure out the issue. The second instance is far more a case of one partner having to give up something that matters very much for them in order to please the other partner.

In some cases, option number 2 ends up working out fine, as in Chataya and Darling's case. Darling clearly thought about it and decided that ultimately, being with Chataya was more important to him than having a biological child. And that's great. They're clearly very happy :) But for me, I would love a biological child, and if that wasn't possible for fertility reasons, I would want to go on and figure out other ways in which I could be a parent. I know that, were I to choose to be with someone who categorically refused to have children, even if I went along with that, there would always be a part of me that resented that person for preventing me from having something that I've always wanted, and being something that I have always wanted to be, and believe I would be very good at.

A single dad, therefore, would be absolutely fine for me, provided he understood that I wanted to try to have my own biological children too. A single father who didn't want to have any more children would probably not be for me. If he was prepared to try, and it didn't happen, that's one thing, but as I've said before, I don't know that I could help resenting that person to a certain extent if they made me give up the chance of one of the most important things in the world to me, no matter how much I loved them. I wouldn't [i]want[/i] to resent them, and I'd try very hard not to, but I know my own feelings on the matter, and I'm not sure I could help it.

But that's just me.

[needle]

[quote]It's just more love in your life and there's always room for more love.[/quote]

Ali, that's the first post in ages I've read of yours that I've hundred percent agreed with :P. Usually I'm gnashing my teeth by the end of them...:P. Great post.

It's an interesting thread. I sort of wish Zak had kids already so I didn't have to have them. But then, I'm quite a jealous person and I don't know if I could handle that. Not so much his love for his kids - but the idea that there was a woman out there that he'd done something amazing with, and that for however long we loved each other that would always be a stronger bond. Or not stronger, but different maybe. I'd find that hard. But that's just me, and I do have jealousy issues, as anyone who knows me/has seen me drunk knows :P

[tenalpia]

[quote name='needle' post='1742264' date='Apr 2 2009, 17.18']Not so much his love for his kids - but the idea that there was a woman out there that he'd done something amazing with, and that for however long we loved each other that would always be a stronger bond. Or not stronger, but different maybe. I'd find that hard. But that's just me, and I do have jealousy issues, as anyone who knows me/has seen me drunk knows :P[/quote]

I know it's totally hypothetical because Zak doesn't have kids already :P but fwiw - I feel no bond with my ex through having had children with him, there is a bond between me and my children and a bond between them and my ex and therefore a connection of sorts but I feel absolutely no bond with him. I don't look at him and think 'we made beautiful babies together' I just think 'I used to feel something... and now I have no recollection of it' - Sad but true!

[Balefont]

[quote name='needle' post='1742264' date='Apr 2 2009, 12.18']Ali, that's the first post in ages I've read of yours that I've hundred percent agreed with :P . Usually I'm gnashing my teeth by the end of them... :P . Great post.[/quote]

Life would be too boring if we [i]always [/i]agreed. :P

:love:

[WhiteQueen]

[quote name='mister cobble' post='1741638' date='Apr 1 2009, 20.57']i have to second this. and if you're serious, are you a vulcan or an anasurimbor perhaps? i actually feel sad having read that. :([/quote]
Ridiculous! So if do not have feelings for my husband's son, I am unemotional? The child (or I should say the young man) does not live with me. I see him 3 times a year. Not because of me, but since his birth that was his mother's wish, that he sees his father (my husband) as little as possible. He views his stepfather as a father-figure in his life, and my husband as a source of revenue. I do not dislike him. I do not love him either. I stated in the original post that things could have been different when a child lives with the parent and the stepparent - obviously, daily interaction and involvement causes feelings toward a child or a stepparent. In my situation, and most situations when the child does not live with the parent - it is a normal setup - the child comes a few times a year, the step parent is a gracious host, but that's all it is. The child is not an orphan - he has a mother, he does not need me. When he needs me I am there for him without even him knowing. For example, when his father made me his sole heiress, I insisted on him including in the will the exact amount of how much he wants his son to get in case of his death. I do not want anyone to be thrown to the wolves. When he did badly in school (and we pay for his college) his father wanted to stop paying his tuition as a lesson to him, but I persevered in convincing him to continue paying. I got him his first internship with the New York Stock Exchange via my connections, even though he is not exactly the material they were looking for. I do my best, but I do not love him and I never will. I asked colleagues with stepkids if they love their husbands' children (who do not live with them and just visit every so often, not on a regular basis) and those who are honest share my sentiment - they accept them happily when they visit, but are even happier when the kid goes back home - so it's not anything unusual. Or maybe we are just more honest and less foolish.

[Werthead]

[quote name='Seventh Pup' post='1741933' date='Apr 2 2009, 09.25']One, you will never ever be number one to your partner. Now personally, my personal relationships (not necessarily romantic) are the most important thing to me, this isn’t the case with everybody nor should it be. For some people its career, or religion etc.[/quote]

I know Mormont addressed this above, but my perspective on this is that it also depends on the partner. The first single mother I dated did not have this priority-based approach at all, but instead treated me and her daughter differently and depending on the circumstances. She made some changes to her lifestyle (nothing particularly onerous) to accomodate the relationship, as I did to mine, and there was never this feeling of 'priorities', of putting one person above the other. Considering we were both only 19 at the time, it was a pretty impressive and mature way of dealing with the situation (although maybe the fact we'd been friends since the first year of secondary school and I'd known her daughter for pretty much all of her life helped in that situation).

It was not the case in the later relationship at all, where it was very much a case where I was made to feel like I had to 'fit in' to a pre-existing family situation and there weren't going to be any compromises to accomodate me. It was my partner's way or no way at all, which was tremendously frustrating given the already pretty significant compromises I had made in my life to make that relationship work.

[Eponine]

[quote name='Werthead' post='1741828' date='Apr 1 2009, 23.59']I think that's a good point as well. You can draw up your list of rules that you won't date someone with kids or whatever, and then you meet someone who is literally perfect for you and they do have kids, so you have to end up compromising or potentially missing out on a great relationship.[/quote]

I just don't get why this is considered something that seems like such a matter of concern. I've missed out on plenty of great relationships with really great people because we weren't going the same direction (not just over kids), and I'm 100% ok with that. I've gotten into a terrible relationship because I thought I could compromise on some things I shouldn't have but I was afraid of "missing out". It's not like there's "the one" and if you don't jump at the opportunity to get with them, you're going to die alone or something.

[Seventh Pup]

[quote]For me, (and it is just for me - I'm not assuming that anyone else feels the same way), fertility problems are a different issue.[/quote]

Fertility issues are a whole different ball game as far as I'm concerned. I don't need to have biological children, in fact I often think that when/if I have children they may well be adopted. I feel that genetically between my 20 first cousins so far, I am well represented. Also I have some crazy rare genetic disorder that nearly killed my father and I have a less sever form of. Not sure if it would be fair to put a kid at risk for it though. Haven't totally ruled out having biological kids, but haven't ruled out adoption either.

Anyway fertility issues are health issues, which are very different from theœ"I don't want to have children"€ issues.

I misspoke when I used tried to describe things in more or less terms, and sorry if that offended anyone. But a single father will have different priorities then a single guy with out children. His children's are going to be a priority to him (honestly could not respect much less date a guy who's children weren't important to him), while I might be an equal priority in a different way and love is not a finite thing, his time and resources are limited. I want to have a time with him, before kids, where I don't have to share those as much.

Now I'm not saying I expect or want a guy to devote his every waking hour to my amusement. Seriously I need my own personal time, my friend time, my hobby time, (hell I'll say it my board time!). I also want him to have friends, and interests outside of me. But kids are more then that.

It's the difference between someone who is spiritual (which I want in a guy) and someone who is religious (which I wouldn't date). Not that I saying that children are single parents religion! :uhoh:

[dornish prince]

[quote name='WhiteQueen' post='1742337' date='Apr 2 2009, 13.12']Ridiculous! So if do not have feelings for my husband's son, I am unemotional? The child (or I should say the young man) does not live with me. [b]I see him 3 times a year. Not because of me, but since his birth that was his mother's wish, that he sees his father (my husband) as little as possible. He views his stepfather as a father-figure in his life, and my husband as a source of revenue.[/b] I do not dislike him. I do not love him either. I stated in the original post that things could have been different when a child lives with the parent and the stepparent - obviously, daily interaction and involvement causes feelings toward a child or a stepparent. In my situation, and most situations when the child does not live with the parent - it is a normal setup - the child comes a few times a year, the step parent is a gracious host, but that's all it is. The child is not an orphan - he has a mother, he does not need me. When he needs me I am there for him without even him knowing. For example, when his father made me his sole heiress, I insisted on him including in the will the exact amount of how much he wants his son to get in case of his death. I do not want anyone to be thrown to the wolves. When he did badly in school (and we pay for his college) his father wanted to stop paying his tuition as a lesson to him, but I persevered in convincing him to continue paying. I got him his first internship with the New York Stock Exchange via my connections, even though he is not exactly the material they were looking for. I do my best, but I do not love him and I never will. I asked colleagues with stepkids if they love their husbands' children (who do not live with them and just visit every so often, not on a regular basis) and those who are honest share my sentiment - they accept them happily when they visit, but are even happier when the kid goes back home - so it's not anything unusual. Or maybe we are just more honest and less foolish.[/quote]

if this is true, then i could certainly see justified indifference, i guess. my apologies. my situation is quite different and perhaps i projected a bit of that as well. again, my bad.

ETA: it does still make me kinda sad though, no offense. i know we don't know each other and this may sound presemptuous but i wish that it had turned out differently for ya'll.

[ljkeane]

My stepmother hates me (admittably I did make her cry at her wedding) and I can't say it particulary concerns me.
So long as you aren't living with a step parent who is indifferent to you I don't think it's much of an issue.

[ztemhead]

[quote name='Eponine' post='1742355' date='Apr 2 2009, 10.23']It's not like there's "the one" and if you don't jump at the opportunity to get with them, you're going to die alone or something.[/quote]

logically this can't be 100% true. Try the question in reverse- people die alone all the time, and who's to say the reason isn't because they passed on the right person at a key moment in their personal story arc?

re: spreading the seed, I'm with pup. My genes are teh suck and rather than find a complimentary set of chromosomes in a mate that also can stand to be around me, and then spending 18 years of preventive medicine, genetic testing, and health education, the random wild card of adoption seems a better bet.

wow, opening this thread was a total downer. Ima go cry in a corner. :cry:

[Eponine]

[quote name='ztemhead' post='1742404' date='Apr 2 2009, 13.52']logically this can't be 100% true. Try the question in reverse- people die alone all the time, and who's to say the reason isn't because they passed on the right person at a key moment in their personal story arc?[/quote]

That still doesn't mean there was "the one". Anyway, who's to say it's not better to die alone (as someone pointed out before, alone != lonely or unfulfilled) than to end up with someone who took your life in a direction you didn't want?

[Centrist Simon Steele]

[quote name='Lyanna Stark' post='1742210' date='Apr 2 2009, 09.31']EDIT: Is it just me, or wouldn't you totally want to date Simon if you were single and lived near him? (Altho he'd probably turn me down :) )[/quote]

It must be just you cuz I can't get nice girls to talk with me in real life. :thumbsup:

Also when I get sentimental I post with 80s monster ballads playing in the background, so I'm sure that has an effect too. I'm channeling Steve Perry through my keyboard.

[Guest thebadlady]

*grin*

Play some Ratt instead. As a total off topic: My son (13) has discovered 90s metal and LOVES it. I am having a blast finding new tunes for him. The latest has been early Alice Cooper. Between the music and the WoW, my son and I have so much fun together. He has been a series of joys for me (I was told I couldn't have kids so he was my miracle baby, my daughter was simply an act of god.)

My son also figured out my iPhone for me without reading the directions. Yes, I burst with pride over my kids!

White Queen, my sympathies for that situation.

[tenalpia]

[quote name='Simon of Steele' post='1742428' date='Apr 2 2009, 19.09']Also when I get sentimental I post with 80s monster ballads playing in the background, so I'm sure that has an effect too. I'm channeling Steve Perry through my keyboard.[/quote]

:lol: This made me laugh out loud for real. the imagery that it invokes is just brilliant - do you have the wind blowing in your hair too? :D

[The_BlauerDragon]

[quote name='thebadlady' post='1742437' date='Apr 2 2009, 11.19']As a total off topic: My son (13) has discovered 90s metal and LOVES it. I am having a blast finding new tunes for him. The latest has been early Alice Cooper.[/quote]
If you ever end up in Arizona, for any reason, you need to take him to Alice Cooper's restaurant "Cooper's Town".